Friends of the opposite sex

[twf]

A recent thread regarding a married woman wanting to hang out with male friends got me thinking… the consensus on that thread seemed to be that it is wrong for a married man or woman to hang out one on one with a member of the opposite sex, even if a clearly defined platonic friendship. I fully agree that prudence is required. We must avoid all occasions of sin and scandal…but I really struggle with the idea that ANY man is a temptation to ANY woman and vice versa. I’ve been married for a year now and still have a few female friends, all of whom I’ve known for about a decade or longer. There has never been even the remotest inkling of romance with any of these women. Two of them were bridesmaids in our wedding party. Sometimes my wife and I will both hang out with them…sometimes just me and one of these women. For example, a few weeks ago my wife and I had made plans with one long term female friend to have lunch on a Saturday afternoon. My wife who is pregnant suddenly felt she wouldn’t be up to it, but the friend had already traveled over an hour and was waiting for us at the location. My wife insisted that I go by myself. The other thread seemed to rule out all such situations as dangerous territory. Can exceptions be made?

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I personally don’t see an issue. I think these are boundaries to be worked out on a couple by basis rather than as a rule for all couples. If it works for both of you great. If not then deal with it as appropriate.

More over, such avoidance has bigger implications imo. It’s almost a lack of trust in implying that any other member of the opposite sex is an adulterous relationship waiting to happen. That and it creates a “forbidden fruit” issue.

 

[marymary1975]

I’ve been married for a year now and still have a few female friends, all of whom I’ve known for about a decade or longer. There has never been even the remotest inkling of romance with any of these women. Two of them were bridesmaids in our wedding party. Sometimes my wife and I will both hang out with them…sometimes just me and one of these women. For example, a few weeks ago my wife and I had made plans with one long term female friend to have lunch on a Saturday afternoon. My wife who is pregnant suddenly felt she wouldn’t be up to it, but the friend had already traveled over an hour and was waiting for us at the location. My wife insisted that I go by myself. The other thread seemed to rule out all such situations as dangerous territory. Can exceptions be made?

What you have written here contains the key elements for this kind of situations. Notice that on what you wrote:

1. These are mutual friends - or have become mutual (sometimes you both hang with them)
2. You have known them for a decade or over

And most importantly of all:

1. It appears that your wife is perfectfly fine with you having these friendships.

I am not sure about the other thread but I believe the spouse was not happy about the situation. That is an entirely different beast. If the spouse has an issue with it then it wouldn’t be acceptable. Also the fact that the spouse is being integrated is big. Most people had the objection over a friendship in which the spouse is competly excluded. That is a problem. If you are including your spouse and your spouse is perfectly fine with it, is a different story. But most of the time that is not the story we hear. Usually what we hear is about a spouse who is not comfortable with a friendship or who is being singled out.

 

[PrayPsalm51]

A recent thread regarding a married woman wanting to hang out with male friends got me thinking… the consensus on that thread seemed to be that it is wrong for a married man or woman to hang out one on one with a member of the opposite sex, even if a clearly defined platonic friendship. I fully agree that prudence is required. We must avoid all occasions of sin and scandal…but I really struggle with the idea that ANY man is a temptation to ANY woman and vice versa. I’ve been married for a year now and still have a few female friends, all of whom I’ve known for about a decade or longer. There has never been even the remotest inkling of romance with any of these women. Two of them were bridesmaids in our wedding party. Sometimes my wife and I will both hang out with them…sometimes just me and one of these women. For example, a few weeks ago my wife and I had made plans with one long term female friend to have lunch on a Saturday afternoon. My wife who is pregnant suddenly felt she wouldn’t be up to it, but the friend had already traveled over an hour and was waiting for us at the location. My wife insisted that I go by myself. The other thread seemed to rule out all such situations as dangerous territory. Can exceptions be made?

I’ve been following that thread too and I agree with Mary Mary I think the difference is that you had these friends for decades prior to your marriage and they are friends to both of you. I think most people in that thread would have agreed that in the situation you describe it would be fine for you to meet. It had been planned as something to do all together and she suddenly got sick. The other thread involved a married woman cultivating new male friendships…

 

[cheezey]

I personally don’t see an issue. I think these are boundaries to be worked out on a couple by basis rather than as a rule for all couples. If it works for both of you great. If not then deal with it as appropriate.
…

I’ve been following that thread too and I agree with Mary Mary I think the difference is that you had these friends for decades prior to your marriage and they are friends to both of you.** I think most people in that thread would have agreed that in the situation you describe it would be fine for you to meet.** It had been planned as something to do all together and she suddenly got sick. The other thread involved a married woman cultivating new male friendships…

My best friend is a guy. We’ve met for many luncheons, etc. Sometimes with his wife, most times without. It’s all good.

 

[QuestLove]

A recent thread regarding a married woman wanting to hang out with male friends got me thinking… the consensus on that thread seemed to be that it is wrong for a married man or woman to hang out one on one with a member of the opposite sex, even if a clearly defined platonic friendship. I fully agree that prudence is required. We must avoid all occasions of sin and scandal…but I really struggle with the idea that ANY man is a temptation to ANY woman and vice versa. I’ve been married for a year now and still have a few female friends, all of whom I’ve known for about a decade or longer. There has never been even the remotest inkling of romance with any of these women. Two of them were bridesmaids in our wedding party. Sometimes my wife and I will both hang out with them…sometimes just me and one of these women. For example, a few weeks ago my wife and I had made plans with one long term female friend to have lunch on a Saturday afternoon. My wife who is pregnant suddenly felt she wouldn’t be up to it, but the friend had already traveled over an hour and was waiting for us at the location. My wife insisted that I go by myself. The other thread seemed to rule out all such situations as dangerous territory. Can exceptions be made?

From the perspective of the single female or male platonic friend, it is quite annoying that everyone thinks you are lying in wait ready to “steal” someone’s spouse.
My take on it is you have to know yourself and your spouse. If it is too much temptaion to hang out platonically with another person don’t do it. But for most people I think it is fine. The people who are planning on cheating probably won’t tell you who they are hanging out with anyway.

And of course it goes without saying, If the spouse is not on board it’s not a good idea.

 

[EasterJoy]

You’re talking about a horse of a very different color, namely: having an opposite-sex friend or two who is also the friend of your spouse, and maintaining friendships from among people you meet as colleagues, fellow students, even the opposite-sex ones.

The thread you are talking about considers the opposite sex friend chosen because he was of the opposite sex and when he is not a friend of one’s spouse or with the idea of cultivating a relationship that *does not *include the spouse.

 

[EasterJoy]

From the perspective of the single female or male platonic friend, it is quite annoying that everyone thinks you are lying in wait ready to “steal” someone’s spouse.
My take on it is you have to know yourself and your spouse. If it is too much temptaion to hang out platonically with another p[erson don’t do it. But for most people I think it is fine. The people who are planning on cheating probably won’t tell you who they are hanging out with anyway.

And of course it goes without saying, If the spouse is not on board it’s not a good idea.

I’ve been the single friend. It is quite possible to have some married guy in the “Friend Zone” get ideas that you never saw coming.

IOW, it isn’t even just about cheating. It is about what you do about a friend who falls for you in a situation where he’s likely to fall for you even though you never intended to have him fall for you. If you don’t want him to fall for you and have to deal with non-platonic feelings about you, don’t be in a rush to put him into situations where you might strike up a spark. That doesn’t mean never going out to lunch, but it just means to remember that people you have no feeling for can sometimes develop feelings for you, particularly if you are very open and trusting with them as friends, and make them into the kind of friend “you can tell anything.”
[/quote]

 

[QuestLove]

I’ve been the single friend. It is quite possible to have some married guy in the “Friend Zone” get ideas that you never saw coming.

IOW, it isn’t even just about cheating. It is about what you do about a friend who falls for you in a situation where he’s likely to fall for you even though you never intended to have him fall for you. If you don’t want him to fall for you and have to deal with non-platonic feelings about you, don’t be in a rush to put him into situations where you might strike up a spark. That doesn’t mean never going out to lunch, but it just means to remember that people you have no feeling for can sometimes develop feelings for you, particularly if you are very open and trusting with them as friends, and make them into the kind of friend “you can tell anything.”

As you have rightly pointed out the issue is not always the single friend who is trying to steal a guy or girl from his or her marriage. Sometimes it is the married person who has the problem not recognizing boundaries. Now if you are married and you seem to have a problem where you develop feelings for every person of the opposite sex you spend time with, it suggests a lack of self control.
Personally, If I am hanging out with a married friend who hits on me (whether I’m single or married is beside the point) that will be the end of that friendship. That would suggest to me he has no respect for his family or our friendship.

Let me hasten to say, I do not in any way endorse those opposite sex friendships where the spouse is entirely shut out. For example If I am in town and we decide to meet up, I would not be upset if the wife came to dinner with us. In fact, in most cases, if it is a really good friend the spouse almost always becomes a very good friend as well. I would be suspicious if a friend’s spouse wanted to go out with us and the friend nixes the idea.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. I’ve been married for **a year **now and still have a few female friends, all of whom I’ve known for about a decade or longer.

It is one thing for a newly wed to keep in touch with old friends. However as we grow old (yep it happens to the best of us) our life commitments tend to carry us in different directions. And once your bundle of joy arrives your time for friends (regardless of gender) will become increasingly sparse. After 10 years of marriage making friends of the opposite sex a priority (and being as insistent about it as the wife in the other post) is a different situation. Not that I have any idea how long the man in the other post has been married

 

[twf]

Thanks everyone.