Friends-who-are-boys-trouble

[DaughterOfLight]

Hi.

I am 18, and graduating high school in May. I love my Catholic Faith, and want to marry another Roman Catholic someday. Mom and Dad don’t want me to so much as date till I’m out of college. While I understand where they are coming form, I wouldn’t shun a relationship in college. I do intend, however, to wait till after college for engagement/marriage.

Here’s the situation. There is a guy who has called Daddy to get his permission to call me on the phone. (Wow!) He’s an awesome guy. He’s polite, gallant, kind, thoughtful, caring… in other words, everything I want in a guy. The problem is, I really don’t care for him like that. He is pretty smitten with me, but there are no sparks on this end. He seems pretty serous though. He’s not fooling around. We agree on a lot, including politics, morals, family ideals, etc. I just don’t like him like that…

There is another guy I know, who also seems to like me, in my graduating class. He’s very kind, and quick to ask for forgiveness if he thinks he has upset/offended me. He’s really sweet. I really prefer him. I’m not quite sure why - I can’t put my finger on it. He is not as shy as Guy #1, but still is nowhere as outgoing as I am. I am a bit attracted to him, and he follows me around like a puppy. He’s told me a lot about himself, including some things that surprised me. For example, he told me he sometimes struggles with his temper. I was shocked when he told me that. I don’t know why he tells me stuff like that, but he does.

Neither of these two are Catholic. Guy #1 (the one who called Dad) is a Primitive Baptist. Guy #2 (in my class) is a Reformed Episcopal. So, from what I have been told, Guy #2’s religion is much closer to the RC Church. I’m not sure what to do though. Should I tell Guy #1 that I’m not interested? Should I keep the status quo for now, and wait till one of them make a move? I’m clueless.
Help!

Thank you.

 

[Footprints04]

Hi Daughter-of-Light,

Well, it sounds like fun though to have 2 great guys like that! To be honest, I don’t think you should really do much at the moment. Things like this (especially in high school) have a way of working out on their own. You didn’t mention where you are going to college or if you plan on staying in your hometown? This is where things might get more apparent…and you’d have an excuse if you need to/want to end things.

To be honest, I changed a lot when I was in college. I met a lot of awesome guys…and finally met my current boyfriend (actually soon to be fiance…we’ve been dating almost 2 years!). He is Catholic, and really challenges me a lot to grow in my faith which I find to be a wonderful thing for a relationship.

So my advice to you is to just enjoy things now. If things seem to get more serious with one or the other…that’s okay, but remember that you are graduating in May and the liklihood of things really continuing beyond that is going to be difficult. Long distance things (especially at your age) are very hard to maintain…besides you will be meeting a lot of people in college.

If one of these guys is “meant to be” well maybe you will have an opportunity after college, or if you are at the same college or nearby colleges maybe the relationship will blossom.

But as to “doing anything about it right now” I really think this will work itself out eventually…give it time. Just my 2 cents.

 

[agmoose02]

Hi Daughter of Light,

A good thing to keep in mind is to enjoy the company of these friends and try your best to keep things from getting serious. You will find that things change a lot in college. High School is really not the best indicator of who a person will be, it is more like taking a look at the raw materials that will form them. These raw materials of the personality are shaped and molded to varying degrees of success by parents, but it isnt until they leave home and have that first prolonged taste of independence that they begin to be forged into what they will become. I saw many who seemed mature and well formed in high school become wild children at the first tast of independence and others who were rebellious in high school mature into responsible and spiritual people when they realized they had to fend for themselves. There is a whole range of possibilities.

It is good to date some on a casual basis as friends, but best not to enter into anything more serious until you have developed into the woman you will be. Take time to get to know yourself fully outside of the context of your family, before you get serious about another person. College is a great time to grow and have fun and enjoy just being you. If you do date, I highly recommend group dates, helps in avoiding temptations. There is plenty of time for the bigger decisions in life afterwards.

Hope this is coherent advice, there is much I would like to say, but why deny you the fun of learning on your own . Best of luck to you in your future, just keep your eyes on what is really important. God bless you.

 

[johnnydigit]

don’t date. only friends. learn about Theology of the Body by JP2. you’ll know when you are ready.

dating non-Catholics = hassle, uncertain, risky. don’t commit to someone assuming they might change in the future. how strongly you are for or against dating non-Catholics depends on how strong you are in your faith. the stronger you are, the harder it is to be with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs.

a Protestant firm in their rejection of the Church - no way. a Protestant who is open to truth - maybe.

so don’t worry. just focus on your spiritual journey and walk with God. He’ll bring you someone when you are ready. if you’re not ready yet, then any guy is not the one for you (for now).

 

[1ke]

Don’t lead these boys on. Tell them up front that you are not interested in dating.

Having someone follow you around like a puppy is beneath their dignity. Don’t let them do that.

As much as this society tries to tell people it’s OK to have boy-girl friendships, I would suggest to you that you not become close friends with boys. Those sorts of emotional bonds can trigger these one-sided “relationships” and also create false intimate/emotional bonds that could harm a future relationship with the man you marry (see other posts on these forums as examples).

Seek out other girls for **close **friendship. The boys should be “part of the gang” that you hang out with at the lunch table, bowling, etc. But, don’t encourage one-on-one time with them, phone calls, etc.

When you are ready to date/court and the interest is reciprocal consider that your Faith should be first. Find someone who shares your faith, values, and practice of religion.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Hi.

I am 18, and graduating high school in May. **I love my Catholic Faith, and want to marry another Roman Catholic someday. **.

Your questions have already been answered. The purpose of dating is to find that one person that you want to marry, if you want to marry someone that is Catholic then that needs to be one of the “requirements” (if you will) to dating. You are not dating to change someone or mold them into the perfect spouse.

I see no reason why you cannot be friends with them.

 

[johnnydigit]

Don’t lead these boys on. Tell them up front that you are not interested in dating.

Having someone follow you around like a puppy is beneath their dignity. Don’t let them do that.

As much as this society tries to tell people it’s OK to have boy-girl friendships, I would suggest to you that you not become close friends with boys. Those sorts of emotional bonds can trigger these one-sided “relationships” and also create false intimate/emotional bonds that could harm a future relationship with the man you marry (see other posts on these forums as examples).

Seek out other girls for **close **friendship. The boys should be “part of the gang” that you hang out with at the lunch table, bowling, etc. But, don’t encourage one-on-one time with them, phone calls, etc.

When you are ready to date/court and the interest is reciprocal consider that your Faith should be first. Find someone who shares your faith, values, and practice of religion.

good advice. where can i learn more about the ins and outs of opposite-sex friends? it’s a tough thing i struggle with… i want to be a good Catholic friend, but then i don’t want to incite anything… or do i…

i should probably follow my own advice and actually read Theology of the Body…