Friends with Infertility

[mandajane]

Hey Everyone.

My husband and I are trying to have a baby, and I have a concern I’d ask the more experienced ladies around here about. My best friend is infertile. She had one child out of wedlock a long time ago, which she gave up for adoption, and since then has had numerous miscarriages and one stillbirth. She acts like she and her husband decided they didn’t want kids anymore, but her husband, who I’m also good friends with, admitted that they would like to adopt, but are on a waiting list.

How should I approach the subject of TTC with her, if necessary, or, how should I go about telling her I’m pregnant? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but we see each other often (once every two to three days, at least), so I feel like if I became pregnant, it’d be disingenuous to NOT tell her before I started to show.

Thanks for your advice. I just want to be ready if and when the time comes.

 

[nodito]

If it were me, I’d not tell her about trying to conceive. You don’t know what will happen or when and I think it’s better to keep that aspect private. If you do become pregnant I would probably say something like, “Karen, I’ve been unsure how to tell you this because I thought it might be a sensitive topic for you, but I wanted you to know that Dan and I are expecting a baby in August.” Then just be prepared for any number of reactions. She may be excited for you or she may get upset and want to leave. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t react the way you’d like. Infertility is a terrible cross. I hope both of you end up with children soon.

 

[PhiloMed]

If it were me, I’d not tell her about trying to conceive. You don’t know what will happen or when and I think it’s better to keep that aspect private. If you do become pregnant I would probably say something like, “Karen, I’ve been unsure how to tell you this because I thought it might be a sensitive topic for you, but I wanted you to know that Dan and I are expecting a baby in August.” Then just be prepared for any number of reactions. .

Don’t discuss your current TTC plans with her. There’s no reason to discuss this with her and it’s unlikely she really wants to know.

If/when you are expecting, just be very gentle and don’t be hurt if her reaction isn’t want you would like it to be.

 

[Lorelei12]

It’s not necessary to say anything about trying to conceive to anyone, especially someone who has had a really hard time with it herself. Do people really discuss this with anyone other than their spouse or doctor?

If you do become pregnant, I would not follow the advice of a previous poster who suggested you mention that you know it’s a sensitive topic for her while then in the next breath telling her you’re pregnant. While well meaning, there is no reason to draw attention to her own struggles and if it were me, it would just annoy me that someone would presume what is or is not a sensitive topic, especially if they’ve been giving people the impression that they decided they didn’t care.

You’re best friends. If she doesn’t figure it out herself before you tell her, make it short and sweet. “So, we have some news- I’m expecting” said gently and with a smile is all you need to say. It’s very thoughtful of you to be considerate of her- but I think the less you make of her predicament, the better.

 

[maryjk]

It’s not necessary to say anything about trying to conceive to anyone, especially someone who has had a really hard time with it herself. Do people really discuss this with anyone other than their spouse or doctor?

I don’t understand talking to a bunch of people about TTC.

It simply opens up the conversation every time you see these people to ask, “Well???”

What if you have problems? What if you decide, later, that you want to wait a while?

 

[mandajane]

the only reason I even considered talking to her about it was because when she and her husband were actively TTC, she made sure I heard EVERYTHING. More than I wanted to know.

 

[Ragamuffingirl]

My husband and I are struggling with infertility. Several of my co-workers are pregnant. Yeah, there have been twinges of sadness and jealousy, but that’s all it is - twinges. I’m happy for them. If I can’t have a baby then I look forward to spoiling theirs.

But, if one of them came up to me and said, “I know this is a sensitive topic for you, but…” it would feel like they were trying to rub salt in the wound.

Note: My husband and I knew that I probably couldn’t have more children when we got married. The doctor said, “Possible but not probable,” but that doesn’t stop me from hoping and holding my breath every month.

 

[MaryT777]

It’s not necessary to say anything about trying to conceive to anyone, especially someone who has had a really hard time with it herself. Do people really discuss this with anyone other than their spouse or doctor?

If you do become pregnant, I would not follow the advice of a previous poster who suggested you mention that you know it’s a sensitive topic for her while then in the next breath telling her you’re pregnant. While well meaning, there is no reason to draw attention to her own struggles and if it were me, it would just annoy me that someone would presume what is or is not a sensitive topic, especially if they’ve been giving people the impression that they decided they didn’t care.

You’re best friends. If she doesn’t figure it out herself before you tell her, make it short and sweet. “So, we have some news- I’m expecting” said gently and with a smile is all you need to say. It’s very thoughtful of you to be considerate of her- but I think the less you make of her predicament, the better.

I completely agree with this approach.
Mary

 

[maryjk]

the only reason I even considered talking to her about it was because when she and her husband were actively TTC, she made sure I heard EVERYTHING. More than I wanted to know.

Maybe she was sharing her troubles. As you said she had “numerous miscarriages and one stillbirth.” She was probably looking for support.

Telling her you are TTC, isn’t sharing your troubles.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Personally, I think TTC is something that should be private - particularly because you don’t want a million people asking if you’re pregnant. However, as a subfertile woman myself, I don’t have a problem with people telling me that they’re pregnant.

My younger sister announced her 4th pregnancy (3rd baby - she has had 1 MC) not long after my husband and I believe I miscarried at nine weeks. My mom asked me if I’d heard about my sister’s pregnancy, knowing that it could be a sensitive topic for me. I said I knew and I was totally okay with it. I don’t see it as “flaunting” the fact that she could get pregnant while I can’t seem to - I see it as sharing their baby joy. (My baby niece is 2 months old and she is ADORABLE.)

DH and I have made our peace with the fact that we may not be able to have children. (I have polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS.) We’re not interested in trying multiple different fertility options - not really our thing. We have decided that if we don’t manage to conceive during the next 11 months we’ll put ourselves on the list for adoption.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

While well meaning, there is no reason to draw attention to her own struggles and if it were me, it would just annoy me that someone would presume what is or is not a sensitive topic, especially if they’ve been giving people the impression that they decided they didn’t care.

You’re best friends. If she doesn’t figure it out herself before you tell her, make it short and sweet. “So, we have some news- I’m expecting” said gently and with a smile is all you need to say. It’s very thoughtful of you to be considerate of her- but I think the less you make of her predicament, the better.

This.

Don’t make the pregnancy announcement about her struggles, but about your joyful news. If she wants to talk about her struggles- fine. But let her start that conversation, don’t assume she wants to have it. And don’t apologise for your pregnancy. That is very tempting in such delicate situations. Just be happy.

 

[nodito]

If you do become pregnant, I would not follow the advice of a previous poster who suggested you mention that you know it’s a sensitive topic for her while then in the next breath telling her you’re pregnant. While well meaning, there is no reason to draw attention to her own struggles and if it were me, it would just annoy me that someone would presume what is or is not a sensitive topic, especially if they’ve been giving people the impression that they decided they didn’t care.

To each her own, I guess. I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages and secondary infertility and it wouldn’t bother me in the least if a close friend who knew about that chose to acknowledge that her joyful news might be a source of difficulty for me. I would be touched. I suppose it depends on your friendship; you know her best, go with what you think she would appreciate.