Friendship Advice Needed

[salve_maria_1]

I hope this makes some degree of sense- and please, I am not scrupulous or anything like that- just unsure of how things go in “the real world” because of my unpleasant upbringing. I am a young woman and really don’t know who to ask, so I thought I’d bring it to you, CAF readers.

I am having a terrible time making friends. It’s not that I am not being friendly. It’s just that there are so few people out there who share my interests and values (and yes, I’m a bit intense- I have Aspergers), and it makes it really difficult. Furthermore, I never know what another person is thinking, and I suspect most are just nodding politely and really are not interested. I do best with straight-forward individuals.

I’m in college and am in two clubs that I really don’t enjoy. I am in a very scientific field because I love the challenge and am fascinated with the topics and opportunities that come up. These clubs are more for people in the fields who want a little stress relief, so they are more social than academic, and it’s not really the atmosphere I can enjoy. I don’t enjoy most small talk and cannot stand parties and want to avoid the drinking atmosphere because I am well underaged (I started college pretty young and will likely be in grad school before technically I can have a drink, and trust me, I am not interested!). Students in these groups have had it with discussing science or whatever in their classes and studying and want to talk about other things, Sure, I have other interests that are just as odd and nobody even knows what to say, or cares.

I have very, very few friends. I prefer relationships that are more meaningful and close rather than having 100 shallow friendships. It takes a long time to trust another person enough to consider them a friend. Most of my friends are several decades older than me, which I don’t mind in the least- none of that drama associated with college-age kids, plus plenty of accumulated wisdom.

To me, friendship should be about both people giving to the other, and caring about the other’s welfare- spiritually, even if they are not of the same faith, and physically, mentally, professionally, etc. You never ask them to do something wrong and you do not put yourself over them. It has to be a give-and-take, and you can’t be the only one talking, asking for favors, etc. And I think there has to be some kind of glue keeping them together, common interests and so forth.

Now this is going to sound pretty silly- but I need to dissect a situation to understand it and figure out what I need to do (maybe this is part of my problem). Here is a true example of somebody I’d like to be friends with. There is a grad student TA for one of my classes- I ended up sitting next to him in the beginning and have done so for the whole semester. His explanations are fantastic and we ended up starting to discuss other aspects of the topics we were covering in class, and ended up discussing his research and my future research interests. We ended up having really similar interests in pretty rare areas. His personality meshes extremely well with mine and he is a good, moral person who exhibits all the characteristics of a good friend.

I met his fiancee and we also hit it off really well, similar interests in somewhat different areas. I ended up giving them a tour of where I work (public is allowed- it is a farm) because they wanted to see the babies and I ended up later teaching both of them how to do different things they have always wanted to learn but never had the opportunity. We talk after class (once he is finished with answering students’ questions) about anything from science to life in general when we walk back to the buildings we need to be in next.

Are we friends? (I know this can’t be answered if one doesn’t understand the whole situation.) How and when do you determine friendship status? How do you maintain a friendship like that? Is it even appropriate for an undergrad to be friends with two grad students (who are engaged)? I know these are absolutely stupid questions, and I am not really looking for specific answers on these, but more on whether this is okay and if so, how to maintain it. Class will be over in several weeks, so how do you keep up with busy grad students afterwards? I have a research job at the university this summer, so I will be around. This is the first time in a long time where I feel like somebody-these two- actually enjoy talking to me and we also get along well. I feel understood and not rejected just because I am a little different from other people. If it’s not meant to be, then I’d value the discussions and help in this class and let it go, but I don’t want to lose two very good people I really enjoy being around for lack of understanding the situation and maintainence.

Sorry for this being so long-winded. If both non-Aspergers people and Aspergers people can respond, I would really, really appreciate it. I’ve tried to pray about this but I kind of expect that I am supposed to do my share and then leave it up to God.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It sounds like a friend to me.

But be aware that because he is your TA there is a good chance that he will keep you at a distance and not be fully comfortable with a full friendship until the semester is over and he is no longer in a position of power over you and his professional duties are completed.

 

[1ke]

I think it can go in a lot of directions, and you may just have to let it evolve without analyis and without knowing what it will become.

Sounds like you have the basis of a friendship, and whether or not it continues after the semester will just have to be seen.

During the smmer, make an overture such as suggesting you all meet for lunch, or extend an invitation ot your place for a movie night or something you all enjoy. see if they accept. see if they reciprocate. if they don’t it might not be anything against you, but just that they are in fact busy and have limited time.

I had friends I made in particular classes who were one or two semester friends, we hung out, did things, studied, or whatever-- and things faded after class ended or after another sememster or two. I have other friends from college classes that are still my friends 30 years later.

I just think sometimes it is more timing and circumstance than anything to do with “you”.

I think you will just have to see.

 

[englishredrose]

Hello
It has been suggested to me by a psychologist that I am Asperger’s too and waiting for the formal assessment. I am 44 and been doing adult numeracy at local college and they have identified that am dyscalcius too. I graduated in 1999 (but didn’t need maths as a mature student and when I did need them I kept knocking on the staffroom door till I got thru that unit).

I kind of relate to the difficulties you have because they are similar to mine about making friends which I find hard to do. I find it hard to share feelings etc and for me I am lucky at the moment because have a very supportive priest who I email what I like, he doesn’t reply back at all though reads, and I have learned quite a bit about myself too for his patient support. I am able to let of steam and say how I need to say it in a very non judgemental approach. Perfect for me

I love singing and that is my way of making the world okay I think. I am in the ‘college choir’ which is really for those who wouldnt otherwise sing type of choir and we do a variety of popular music those this year we been learning various songs from musicals. I also sing in my church choir and serve alternate weeks. I like reading too and the outdoors.

If you want to pm me as I do live in UK and be hard to be friends as in meeting up etc but if you like I be happy to be electronic friends and see how we get along with that. I am no expert on Asperger’s. I only have a vague idea how I am affected. I do have a sense of humour etc. So if you would like to, pm me and we take it from there perhaps

 

[salve_maria_1]

Thank you both very much for your help. What you are saying makes sense- so I think I will just try to let it develop and see where it goes, but make an effort on my part to maintain it. I do have trouble with over-analyzing things and I’m trying to stop. I was never allowed to make friends during my childhood and teenage years, so I guess this doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does other people.

 

[Forkfoot]

I was never allowed to make friends during my childhood and teenage years, so I guess this doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does other people.

Aw damn, that’s tragic. I don’t have Aspergers and was permitted to socialize as a kid and I still have a hard time with friend stuff just on account of being home schooled.

In my experience friendship just kinda happens. You notice you’re hanging out with and talking to a person more than you do with other folks, and you go “Hmm, well I guess I can call this person a friend now.” But that doesn’t mean that the person should or shouldn’t be a certain way now that you’ve labeled them “friend”; they don’t all of a sudden have to align themselves with all your inner concepts about what being a friend means. It’s just a label used for convenience; they just are what they are and keep acting the way they act. So I’d just keep being yourself and doing your thing and friendship will pop up when and where it does.

Some of my closest and dearest friends I’ve made recently have been online. The internet’s been a great, non-intimidating way to meet folks who share my weird obscure passions and bond by talking about those things at length on Facebook groups. Good way to make human connections.

 

[Sunbreak]

It sounds like they are friends. You can encourage the friendship by simple things like meeting for tea or coffee. The best way to find friends is by pursuing your interests like taking a “fun” class and then you have something in common already built-in with the others who take the class. I’ve always had a few older friends - there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ll find that friendships will change over time - maybe some people will be friends for many years and others will go their own way. It’s normal for that to happen.

 

[dedo]

I tend to over analyze things also.

I am wondering if friendship is like a tree. The top part is made up of things like affection, common interests, and respect.

The root of the tree is made of trust.

So it sounds like you are on the road to friendship; however, it takes time for the tree to
grow.

Over time, each party puts effort in these areas, in a “give and take” fashion as you said.

 

[salve_maria_1]

Thanks for your replies!

Forkfoot, I was homeschooled too. But I wasn’t ever allowed to socialize (my mother had/has major control issues) and I didn’t have a stable, loving family either. I do have a friend I met online, and you’re right- it can be one of the best ways to meet people with your interests.

Sunbreak, I appreciate your advice.

Dedo, I think your analogy makes a lot of sense. I do have a hard time trusting people so it takes time. That’s one of the things I kind of look for when talking to people- if I can feel comfortable, relaxed, and myself, that is someone I enjoy hanging out with. I can’t (or don’t, rather) with most people.

God bless you.