Friendship before dating

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buckr02

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So I have always heard that you should be friends with someone before you begin dating. What I haven’t really been able to figure out, however, is how long you should be friends with them first.

So I guess this could be more of a poll question, but I won’t actually create a poll. How long were you guys, married and dating and formerly dating, friends with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse before you started dating and what type of friendship did you have and what are your suggestions on this topic?

Thanks!
-buckr02
 
buckr02 said:
So I have always heard that you should be friends with someone before you begin dating. What I haven’t really been able to figure out, however, is how long you should be friends with them first.

So I guess this could be more of a poll question, but I won’t actually create a poll. How long were you guys, married and dating and formerly dating, friends with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse before you started dating and what type of friendship did you have and what are your suggestions on this topic?

Thanks!
-buckr02
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I do not think that there is a specific timeline that is set as to how long you should be friends with someone. You will find some couples that started dating once they met each other, while some were friends since the first grade and did not date until in their 20’s, it just depends on the relationship. True being friends is (seemingly) the best way to start the relationship, but sometimes it is not always that way.

I think that comes with the most important part of the relationship and that is the communication. You both need to be on the same page with regards to what “stage” your relationship is at. Read “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly, it will help out a lot.

For me and DW, we met via Ave Maria Singles and quickly became good friends. We were both in seperate dating relationships at the time, but quickly became great friends. A month or so after the friendship, we knew that we wanted to start dating and the rest is history.
 
My husband and I met in high school, at 15 years old. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating. We dated for 3 years and got engaged. We were engaged for 2 years before the wedding. So, total time of knowing each other was 7 years by the time we got married.

Not everyone likes long engagements, but we needed the time to plan the wedding. In my area, parishes and reception venues booked 18-24 months in advance, back in 2003.

Because we met each other at such a young age, I think it was best that we were friends first. We were too young to really “date” anyway. 😃 The kind of friendship we had was pretty basic – Helped each other with homework (okay, he helped me more than I helped him 😛 ), ate lunch together, played board games/card games, went hiking, etc. We spent a lot of time with our group of friends, and it wasn’t until we started dating that we would go over to each others’ houses without the group.

Based on what I’ve seen with family and friends, building a friendship first, over a period of a few years, is most likely to lead to a strong bond leading to a committed marriage. There are exceptions (my folks met on a blind date), but overall, the ones who were friends first have happier relationships. That’s just my experience, though. 😉
 
I’d say it all depends on the people involved.

Sometimes if you are friends with someone for too long, they’ll only see you as a friend. Girls do this more often. Sometimes if you aren’t IMMEDIATELY a romantic interest, you won’t be even if you are friends. It’s happened to me.

However, there have been plenty of times where someone didn’t like me…not even as a real friend…but once she started talking to me we became great friends, best friends even. If we had wanted to keep going, I’m sure we could have.

So as I said, it depends on who is involved.

But in my current case, I’m finding that being friends is good and all…but it’ll be better once everything is out in the open. And I’m sure that if it weren’t for her father’s rule, we be dating now.

so yeah…it depends…🤷 …I doubt anyone can give you a 100% true answer
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
I think that comes with the most important part of the relationship and that is the communication. You both need to be on the same page with regards to what “stage” your relationship is at.
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I couldn’t agree more. 👍

As for me and DH, we started as coworkers and were nothing more for the first 6-8 months that we knew each other. Then we became friends, and grew closer as friends for about 2 years (much of that time I was dating another mutual friend of ours). Once we did finally start dating, after having known each other for nearly 3 years already, our relationship progressed fairly quickly… we knew within 6 months that we would eventually be married, though the acutal proposal didn’t come until our 2 year dating “anniversary”. Then our engagement lasted 11 months, and we just celebrated our first wedding anniversary yesterday. 😃

There is nothing wrong with starting to date earlier in a relationship, and certainly it works out wonderfully for some, but I couldn’t be happier with the way we did things as it gave us a good, solid foundation for the times when things are tough and we don’t feel all those giddy, loving feelings. 👍
 
DH and I were friends for at least a year before we started dating, then we went back to friends for a little over a year after dating for a few months - then, back to dating and then marriage 🙂

We met through a shared interest - we were in a band together.
 
Belgarion, your post sounds disturbingly close to mine. Even the syntax used is similar. 😛

I’ve seen relationships start after several years of friendship (my own didn’t work out, one other guy has been married for a while). I’ve seen people immediately catch some interest in each other. I’ve seen people return to their early highschool crush at university (wedding coming this autumn). After all this, I’m convinced people could indeed be friends for many years without a relationship starting for a number of reasons (never both single at the same time, never found the courage, feared to jeopardise the friendship…), while in some circumstances, people might actually interact romantically from the moment they first see each other (i.e. they flirt, they make moves right from the start, it develops, they naturally assume a romantic relationship). There’s also a lot of room in between.
 
Define Friend.

My wife had a rule that she only dated friends which kept me from asking her out for a while. We had known each other and hung out in the same group of people for about 6 months before we started dating. But I didn’t consider us friends, but acquaintances.
 
My ex and I were friends for 3 years before we dated. We were extremely close, we were best friends. We were completely open with each other, told each other everything, and supported one another during hard times.

I just think go with what feels right. It’s best, I think, to be friends beforehand, but don’t just drag the friendship along just because you want to fill out the time. If you reach a point in your friendship for when it’s time, then go for it.
 
chevalier said:
Belgarion, your post sounds disturbingly close to mine. Even the syntax used is similar. 😛
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I can read minds
:rolleyes:
Think of a number between 1 and 10
…
…4

See?

Anyways, to the OP:
You’ve got some good advice being put on here. I couldn’t say it better than the rest on here. Perhaps “It depends” is the best way to sum it up?
 
I was friends with my now-boyfriend for six months before we started dating. I was immediately drawn to him the day we met, and we exchanged phone numbers. Over the six months we were friends, he invited me and my friends out with his and his friends several times, and we spent a lot of time together, but never alone. I knew I was interested, but couldn’t read his intentions. Finally he asked me out, and we progressed to “serious dating” (discussing marriage) very soon.

It’s my personal policy never to accept a date from someone I’ve just met (or never met). There are too many expectations in a dating relationship to risk entering one with a person I don’t know very well. If a man approaches me at a bar or on the street and asks to have dinner with me, there are very few things that could have caught his attention: my physical appearance, or maybe my laugh. That’s just not enough information to build a relationship on, for me. Other people seem to do it just fine, but I prefer my way.
 
I don’t think you have to be friends before dating, but you have to become friends while dating. DH and I were barely acquaintances when we started going out. We quickly found that we “clicked”. So much, that a year later we were married and just celebrated our 2nd anniversary. He’s my best friend. I think that’s vital for a marriage.
 
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