Friendship falling apart

[Julia2014]

Hello, I am new to this site and am having problems with my best friend who means the world to me. I was hoping someone could help with some advice on this situation on what to do because I feel myself wanting to not be around him.

I want to give a little background on us. We have been friends for about 13/14 years. I have been attending church (catholic) for over 5 years regularly. By seeing me going to church and talking to my friend about God and Jesus, it made him want to go to church too. I am happy to say that he has been going to church for about 2 years and regularly for about a year. He chose to go to a non denominational church.

We talk about God and Jesus a lot. Just recently, he has telling me that I have little faith because I get my children vaccinated, and take my children to the doctors when they are running fevers. Also, he asked me if I give money to the church every Sunday, and I told him yes every Sunday. Then he ask about whether it was 10% of my income, and I told him not a full 10% because we are struggle to pay bills, and to put food on our table. Then he said I was selfish and god would provide more if I gave more. This had be question my own faith when I know that I have faith in god and he will provide me with what ever it is that I need.

There is more that he says and it makes me feel like he is judging me and making indications that I have little faith. It also really bothers me that he was saying that I wasn’t giving enough to the church (money) when he isn’t giving anything at all to his church. I know things are tight for him, and told him that as long as you go to church on God’s day than that is all that matters, and to love him with all your heart, and to try and live as holy as possible. I would never indicate or make assumptions that he has little faith because God knows his heart.

Also, with all this going on, I found my self judging him, which is not something I typically do especially to him. I judged him about him never even reading the bible, and how he justifies his sins rather then trying not to repeat them or acknowledging them.

What do I do? How do I approach him? When ever I try, he tries to point out what he thinks I lack.

 

[Trishie]

Julia, I’m sad with you for losing your friend, as you appear already to have lost him and he is unhealthy for you. You have been a blessing for each other, but now what he will most continue to need is your prayers. His ideas are coming from another denomination and are not necessarily always consistent with the bible and Catholic teaching, It seems doubtful you can convince him of anything especially now that he has a ‘sense of superior righteousness’ towards you.

Obtaining medical help for yourself and your children is proper respect for the gift of life and self that God has given.
Yes. pray, certainly, have faith in God, but also use the gifts God gives through medical professionals and researchers.
Some biblical support:

Sirach 38, 1- 9
«
1 Treat the doctor with the honour that is his due, in consideration of his services; for he too has been created by the Lord.

2 Healing itself comes from the Most High, like a gift received from a king.

3 The doctor’s learning keeps his head high, and the great regard him with awe.

4 The Lord has brought forth medicinal herbs from the ground, and no one sensible will despise them.

5 Did not a piece of wood once sweeten the water, thus giving proof of its power?

6 He has also given some people knowledge, so that they may draw credit from his mighty works.

7 He uses these for healing and relieving pain; the druggist makes up a mixture from them.

8 Thus, there is no end to his activities; thanks to him, well-being exists throughout the world."

9 My child, when you are ill, do not rebel, but pray to the Lord and he will heal you."

Yes. pray, certainly, have faith in God, but also use the gifts God gives through medical professionals and researchers.

Regarding tithing:
The Catholic Church understands the difficulties families and people face and in charity does not demand a tenth of income lest families be left in intolerable situations. The Church leave the amount contributed to conscience and honest judgement of the individual and family.

catholic.com/quickquestions/what-is-the-churchs-position-on-tithing

 

[underacloud]

Have you heard the term “the zeal of a convert”? It sounds like he’s very enthusiatically embraced his new-found faith, and sometimes that can lead one to start to badger others like he is doing here. He will either cool off, and come to his senses, or be an unbearable friend to continue to see.

I doubt there is much you can do about it, except perhaps set some boundaries. When he starts to chastise you about religion, tell him it’s not a topic you wish to discuss and stear the conversation elsewhere.

As a Catholic who has had many Protestand friends over the years (and unfortunately few Catholic friends) it is not at all unusual that your faith will be attacked by those who feel they are only trying to do you a favour (ie save your soul). Unfortunately, sometimes their zeal to convert you overtakes the friendship and the friendship fades away. But sometimes it is very possible to remain friends, once they understand that you won’t be converted and they can live with that.

 

[Trishie]

Julia, your sense of judging him is possibly partly as a result of your hurt feelings and indignation. I don’t know how closely linked you are to him, and I hope you can quietly go your way, as if possible you might let your contact fade. Judging him only draws you into the same unChristian mistake he is making. You only desire to be the good and loving person and the good and loving mother God wishes you to be and this comes before friendships however long-lasting, especially if that friendship came to influence your children’s ideas…
May God comfort you, and may God bless your children and you always. God bless this man also.

Kindest wishes,

Trishie

 

[Julia2014]

Trishie, thank you for your reply. I have for a while felt that our relationship was becoming unhealthy, which is resulting in me judging which is making me unhealthy. When my friend mentioned me not putting my faith in God but in doctors makes me have little faith, it made me think twice about my faith. Thank you for posting about medical professionals. I have always felt that God gave us them to help keep us healthy.

Under a cloud, thanks for sharing. I have never heard of zeal of convert. But, I’m not sure if his intentions were to convert me, although, I do have a feeling that he judges me for being a catholic due to making a remark when the priest sung the words “the mystery of faith.”

He is over-ally enthusiastic that he found God and I am happy for him, but just wish friendship could be good as it once was.

Thank you both again for responding to my post. This is something that has been bothering me for a few weeks now.

 

[Viki63]

Julia,
you might try asking your friend to focus with you on the things you can agree on, rather than the differences. You both love the Lord Jesus. and can talk about the good things God has done in your lives.
I have some good Protestant friends, and we never discuss the differences between our beliefs. If they ever asked me about my Catholic beliefs I would be happy to discuss them, but they don’t. Of course it’s at work, so there’s not much time. That keeps us focused – we ask for each other’s prayers, and that’s about it.
Tithing is recommended for Catholics, but is not mandatory, It’s something everyone has to arrive at prayerfully for themselves. It’s not anyone else’s place to dictate your practices, especially when you have children to care for.
God bless.

 

[Julia2014]

Viki63, thanks for your response. It seems that when I talk to him about things going on in my life that when his belief are being thrown at me. I am definitely going to not to get into the beliefs debate and mention that we should focus on what we can agree on. I also have other Protestant that I know and there is never any judgement towards me being a catholic or disagreeing with our beliefs, and we don’t really talk about our beliefs. It is always a pleasant conversation.

I really want to try and save our friendship. Hopefully it can be healthy again, and maybe by having limits it can be.

 

[thankulord]

Hi, so sorry to hear about your friend. Above there are some very wise answers. Your friends new ideas are what he is learning from his church. They are misguided. Most Catholics sooner or later hear things like this from some Protestant friends, especially if the friends are new Christians. His intentions are good and he is probably very excited to have become Christian, but he doesn’t know that his is making a big mistake to speak like this to the friend who inspired him to go to church. If you continue to be around him don’t be surprised if he tells or asks you many other things like, "Why do you pray to Mary? Why do you worship idols? Etc. In my case and the case of many other people who have been Catholic for a long time, we have heard these questions and comments a lot and we are used to them. Very often our Protestant brothers and sisters can’t understand our answers. ( Some others may want to dialog with us) Since this is the first time for you to hear things like this from your good friend; it hurts.

Some Protestants don’t believe that Catholics are Christian. Catholics do believe that Protestants are Christian, but they are lacking some truths. This site can give a lot of good information about our differences. (For example, most Protestants don’t believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, which is so, so important for Catholics.)

Maybe, just maybe this crisis with your friend is God calling you to know even more about your faith. Certainly the questions I got from Protestant friends helped me grow in my faith even though they couldn’t understand nor believe my answers at the time.

Pray for your friend. It may be too difficult for him to be the same good friend that he was before. God bless

 

[Julia2014]

Thankulord, Thanks for sharing, and I think you are right that it is a calling from God to know more about my faith. I did not attend a catholic church regularly as a kid even though I was baptized as a baby.

Monicad, Yes he has cut people down in the past and now. I feel like he has gotten a little better about it, and I try to let him know when he is doing it and that it is not good. He didn’t ever start doing this to me until recently and it is only with faith that he cuts me down.

 

[Xantippe]

Hello, I am new to this site and am having problems with my best friend who means the world to me. I was hoping someone could help with some advice on this situation on what to do because I feel myself wanting to not be around him.

I want to give a little background on us. We have been friends for about 13/14 years. I have been attending church (catholic) for over 5 years regularly. By seeing me going to church and talking to my friend about God and Jesus, it made him want to go to church too. I am happy to say that he has been going to church for about 2 years and regularly for about a year. He chose to go to a non denominational church.

We talk about God and Jesus a lot. Just recently, he has telling me that I have little faith because I get my children vaccinated, and take my children to the doctors when they are running fevers. Also, he asked me if I give money to the church every Sunday, and I told him yes every Sunday. Then he ask about whether it was 10% of my income, and I told him not a full 10% because we are struggle to pay bills, and to put food on our table. Then he said I was selfish and god would provide more if I gave more. This had be question my own faith when I know that I have faith in god and he will provide me with what ever it is that I need.

There is more that he says and it makes me feel like he is judging me and making indications that I have little faith. It also really bothers me that he was saying that I wasn’t giving enough to the church (money) when he isn’t giving anything at all to his church. I know things are tight for him, and told him that as long as you go to church on God’s day than that is all that matters, and to love him with all your heart, and to try and live as holy as possible. I would never indicate or make assumptions that he has little faith because God knows his heart.

Also, with all this going on, I found my self judging him, which is not something I typically do especially to him. I judged him about him never even reading the bible, and how he justifies his sins rather then trying not to repeat them or acknowledging them.

What do I do? How do I approach him? When ever I try, he tries to point out what he thinks I lack.

This doesn’t sound like a great friend. Good friends don’t spend that much time tearing each other down.

If you want to try to stay friends with him, try saying, “My church doesn’t teach that.” The over 10% giving for the financially struggling is definitely non-standard, and he seems to have come under the influence of the prosperity doctrine (hence the belief in tithing as a sort of super high interest savings account). (Catholics don’t have set numbers as official teaching, although you will see recommendations here and there.)

If you are feeling very ambitious, you might want to try to set up a lunch with your friend, you and a priest whose wisdom and people skills you respect, warning the priest in advance what to expect. If your friend is a jerk, lunch may wind up being acrimonious, but if he’s just being over-zealous, your priest’s measured opinion will hopefully make it clear to your friend that you are not being self-serving with regard to giving. The thought might even cross his mind–wow, my non-denom pastor is way, way more passionate about making the collection box jingle than this Catholic priest is.

 

[LoveJesus13]

Hello, I am new to this site and am having problems with my best friend who means the world to me. I was hoping someone could help with some advice on this situation on what to do because I feel myself wanting to not be around him.
…

What do I do? How do I approach him? When ever I try, he tries to point out what he thinks I lack.

Hi Julia sorry to hear you are losing your friend. I think you should approach him in a calm manner and be honest about your feelings. Tell him that he shouldn’t be judging you after all you did help him come back to church. Tell him thank you for your criticisms but your my friend and I think it would be better if you didn’t criticize me so negatively. Suggest going to mass together and also praying together about this. But don’t give up on your friendship, pray to God for enlightenment and wisdom.

God bless you.

 

[Fone_Bone_2001]

We talk about God and Jesus a lot. Just recently, he has telling me that I have little faith because I get my children vaccinated.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but anti-vaxxers are crackpots who are, in some regions, doing serious medical damage to their communities through their willful ignorance.

He’s simply dead wrong here, and frankly he should be ashamed of himself both intellectually and ethically.

Also, he asked me if I give money to the church every Sunday, and I told him yes every Sunday. Then he ask about whether it was 10% of my income, and I told him not a full 10% because we are struggle to pay bills, and to put food on our table. Then he said I was selfish and god would provide more if I gave more.

There is more that he says and it makes me feel like he is judging me and making indications that I have little faith.

You said it. To ask questions in such detail is rude and inappropriate, and to follow it up with such judgmental comments is simply unacceptable. This person is simply not being a very good friend.

What do I do? How do I approach him? When ever I try, he tries to point out what he thinks I lack.

Honestly, I don’t think you can. From what you’ve said, he sounds sometimes willfully ignorant, and prone to judgmentalism and hypocrisy.

Pray for him and try to keep things courteous and kind from your end. I’ll bet that’s all you can do.

Perhaps you could forward scientific and medical information to him - scholarly articles are freely online - demonstrating the efficacy, safety, and urgent necessity of vaccination if you think it will help. But mostly prayer and kindness, probably…