Friendship

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purplesunshine

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I have a couple of friends and the story goes like this.
I met “Kate” early last fall and know her a bit. I met “James” around christmas and we’ve become really good friends. At the time he was dating “Nancy”…that ended early this year, they’re just friends.

James and I have gotten pretty close. We’re still just friends, though. Which has made Kate pretty irratated…she won’t speak to James and claimes that he has replaced her with me…and that Nancy is a part of the problem. He’s “changed”.

James is saddened by Kate’s behavior but explains there’s not much one can do about it. He’s known her for over a decade and he sais it happens all the time.

Kate, who never dated James, is now on a rampant mission saying he’ll break my heart.

Kate isn’t a bad person, she she’s sweet, fun to hang with and a good catholic. I’ve caught her in a couple of lies, so I’m hesitant to trust her. But we have alot of the same interests.
James is turning into my best friend, we have the same interests, and we pray together alot. We laugh together and have become sensitive to eachother’s needs.

If I had to pick one I’d get rid of Kate over James becuase time and time again he’s proven himself worthy of trust.

But then again, I’m a girl and he’s a guy and the not knowing how I feel about him won’t last forever. And if I ever find a guy, I can see from this forum that guy-girl relationships post marriage dissolve. I don’t want my view to be skewed to the point where I destroy one friendship just becuase I over-trust another friend.
 
Yikes! My head hurts after reading that, but again, it could be the lack of caffeine.
 
purplesunshine said:
I have a couple of friends and the story goes like this.
I met “Kate” early last fall and know her a bit. I met “James” around christmas and we’ve become really good friends. At the time he was dating “Nancy”…that ended early this year, they’re just friends.

James and I have gotten pretty close. We’re still just friends, though. Which has made Kate pretty irratated…she won’t speak to James and claimes that he has replaced her with me…and that Nancy is a part of the problem. He’s “changed”.

James is saddened by Kate’s behavior but explains there’s not much one can do about it. He’s known her for over a decade and he sais it happens all the time.

Kate, who never dated James, is now on a rampant mission saying he’ll break my heart.

Kate isn’t a bad person, she she’s sweet, fun to hang with and a good catholic. I’ve caught her in a couple of lies, so I’m hesitant to trust her. But we have alot of the same interests.
James is turning into my best friend, we have the same interests, and we pray together alot. We laugh together and have become sensitive to eachother’s needs.

If I had to pick one I’d get rid of Kate over James becuase time and time again he’s proven himself worthy of trust.

But then again, I’m a girl and he’s a guy and the not knowing how I feel about him won’t last forever. And if I ever find a guy, I can see from this forum that guy-girl relationships post marriage dissolve. I don’t want my view to be skewed to the point where I destroy one friendship just becuase I over-trust another friend.
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*Maybe you will marry James someday, he sounds like a wonderful person, and you never know what God might have in store for you. I wouldn’t overthink things too much–just enjoy your friendships. I am not sure what to make of ‘Kate.’ She might have had non-verbalized feelings for James, and seeing you two developing a deep friendship has caused her to feel off kilter, but not quite sure. Either way, I’d continue being friends with James, and see where God leads you both. Maybe it will remain a beautiful friendship forever, or maybe it will flourish into something more. 🙂 Not sure if you were asking if you should dissolved one of the friendships? *
 
KathyA said:
Drama!
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Nah, this isn’t that big of a deal.

purplesunshine: Your friends are your friends. Don’t worry about friendships dissolving unless you WANT them to. I have plenty of friends that are women, and I know that I’ll still be friends with them when I get married. Perhaps not as close, but still good friends.

However, if you want to stay close with this guy, you will probably end up considering him as a person you would want to spend a considerable time with…Like the rest of your life 😃
Who knows? But the best thing you can do is pray about it.

I have a pretty good idea of why this is hard for you, but don’t let it be that way! Be smart with yourself, and your own heart. But don’t be stupid with the hearts of others.

…If that advice applies…lol…I just felt like saying something catchy…😃
 
Hypothetically, if James happens to date some girl and he spends less and less time with you, you might be able to understand what Kate feels. Who knows … this some girl might also be you. 🙂
 
Somecatholicguy:
Girls are horrid when it comes to drama.

Kathy:
Yes, its drama…and I don’t like it one bit, But I do want to be reasonable with my heart and mind and try to see outside of myself.

Whatevergirl:
James is the older guy I posted about a while back. Even with drama in my family he’s still willing to meet them. I think that will be telling.

Belrg:
Dunno what I want yet. Vastly enjoying life as it is. I really don’t know how my life will turn out.
About friendships disloving. Kate in her own way is trying to force my hand. I guess I’m questioning the ligitimacy of her complaints about James…when there seems to be nothing more than ordinary human flaws wrong with him.

Withwind:
He’s already not dated, dated and then broke up with Nancy (actually Nancy ended it) when I’ve been friends with him. We were still prayer buddies, though, so we maintained a close friendship.

I guess this is about choosing and decernment…I’m definatly going to pray.
 
purplesunshine said:
Belrg:
Dunno what I want yet. Vastly enjoying life as it is. I really don’t know how my life will turn out.
About friendships disloving. Kate in her own way is trying to force my hand. I guess I’m questioning the ligitimacy of her complaints about James…when there seems to be nothing more than ordinary human flaws wrong with him
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Well, regardless of how you feel about your life and what you want, its wise to pray about it.
One thing I will say, in my honest and humble-but-perhaps-biased opinion, (Yes, I’m warning you that I’m biased!! LOL) is that just because you’re happy now, doesn’t mean you can be happier. I mean this in the best sense.

Now, your friend “kate” seems to be causing you to doubt. I wouldn’t advise listening to her too much. If you start to find that some of what she says is right…well…then listen to her. But if you’re finding that her points are baseless, and she has a history of lying…she may just be trying to ruin the relationship for some selfish reason of her own.

Normal flaws are good. It shows that he’s human, and not an android.
 
Kate sounds like an instigator, and could be trying to purposefully talk smack about James to you. I remember your first forum question on here, and you and James have done a lot of talking, I know you mentioned that you had a variety of events planned for the summer.

If Kate is talking smack about James, it is only in time that she may do it about you. How does Kate propose that he will break your heart? Make her give past situations or stories. Make her state the case. Maybe he did that to her? I mean, knowing someone for ten years can reveal a lot. Maybe she is purposefully trying to sabotage something, or maybe she knows a dark secret. It can be anything, and it can be nothing. Maybe she is jealous of you or angry/spiteful at him. If you are thinking of him long term, and she is going to be the one raining on your parade all the time, you both need to make more efforts to avoid her.

The main issue is that obviously Kate is having issues with you, issues with him, or issues with both of you, and I am sure it is your observance to her behavior toward you or him that have led you to that. If they are going to be childish then best you let them vent to you, without sounding agreeable, just the friend that lends an ear.

You trust James more it seems, at this point, and that is because you have more heartstrings attached. Letting these friends vent to you where James is concerned, may cause you to perhaps confront him on some things they say about him, maybe not. However just take things with a grain of salt, for now everything is hearsay, and you seem to be the new friend in the group, so trust issue for you will be difficult until you figure out what everyone is about. And why they are saying or behaving they way they do.

All I want to know is, is his name really James? :rotfl:
 
Kate sounds like an instigator, and could be trying to purposefully talk smack about James to you. I remember your first forum question on here, and you and James have done a lot of talking, I know you mentioned that you had a variety of events planned for the summer.
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A month into summertime, we still do. June is booked, July is, too, minus the weekend he’s working, August has a few planned things…Sept is busy for me but I think we have something planned, and so on.
If Kate is talking smack about James, it is only in time that she may do it about you. How does Kate propose that he will break your heart? Make her give past situations or stories. Make her state the case. Maybe he did that to her? I mean, knowing someone for ten years can reveal a lot. Maybe she is purposefully trying to sabotage something, or maybe she knows a dark secret. It can be anything, and it can be nothing. Maybe she is jealous of you or angry/spiteful at him. If you are thinking of him long term, and she is going to be the one raining on your parade all the time, you both need to make more efforts to avoid her.
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I’m afraid of being talked about. Tho not as much as I hate her talking bad about James.
Kate says certian things which, in our friendship, even a few months in I’ve found to be untrue eg. talk about certian things. I’ve asked her to give me a story but I get nothing. And from what it sounds like she didn’t spend near as much time as we do together. I’m going to James about her attitude
The main issue is that obviously Kate and Nancy are having issues with you, issues with him, or issues with both of you, and I am sure it is your observance to their behavior toward you or him that have led you to that. If they are going to be childish then best you let them vent to you, without sounding agreeable, just the friend that lends an ear.
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Sorry if it sounded bad. Kate had issues with James dating Nancy. I agree it was a bad match, as even though Nancy and James are wonderful, they are VERY different.

I do want to lend an ear to Kate and be a friend but I can’t seem to do it without getting raging mad.
You trust James more it seems, at this point, and that is because you have more heartstrings attached. Letting these friends vent to you where James is concerned, may cause you to perhaps confront him on some things they say about him, maybe not. However just take things with a grain of salt, for now everything is hearsay, and you seem to be the new friend in the group, so trust issue for you will be difficult until you figure out what everyone is about. And why they are saying or behaving they way they do.
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All I want to know is, is his name really James?
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I can see through ******** and what to what is true most of the time. I just don’t want my heartstrings get in the way.

And no…James’ isn’t his real name.
 
Friendships can be tricky things. When it comes to the friendship between girls and guys there’s a fine line between friendship and relationship, just be careful how you walk that line and don’t cross it unless you’re sure of it. Once you cross it is hard to go back.
As far as “Kate” is concerned don’t start to think about having to “get rid of one” think about how to make both friendships work. Talk with “Kate” let her express her feelings, and talk with “James” and let him express his feelings. It’s possible that “Kate” just feels left out because “James” was her friend first and now it may seem in her eyes she’s getting pushed aside by both of you. Just remember that friends are often more important than relationships, and while “James” may turn into something more you don’t know what will happen. It’s best not to “burn bridges” along the way. Try to work it out with “Kate”. Also, as someone who has lied in the past think about why she’s doing it and what kind of lies they are. While it’s never good often times there’s a good reason behind it, or a fear of some sort. Maybe she’s afraid of losing both her friends so she lies about minor things because she’ll think it’s what you want to hear, or it’s a defense method. Hard to say with out talking to her about it.
 
Well it would be nice to keep plans this summer with James. If Kate is going to be at many of these functions, this could prove to be humbling. She has some issue.

We all get talked about, it is amazing how sometimes really sweet or shy people will get chastised some way. She is either jealous, insecure, lonely, or something of the sort. Whatever it is, best you leave her be and just be pleasant when having to see her. Her behavior thus far and smack talk is a red flag, no one should be that negative about anybody.

Just sit it out, or make more effort to keep conversation with James or other acquaintances that are there. You may have to gingerly intervene in convo, and say, let’s not talk about James, let’s talk about you, what’s new with you, how’s your family…, just intercede and change the subject. The coming weeks could produce more drama. You have done well with your restraint so far, but you are right, one can only take so much.
 
I think Kate is putting you into the middle of her issues with James. If you want to maintain both friendships don’t talk about James with Kate and don’t talk about Kate when you are with James. Just tell them each once that you don’t care to gossip about the other and if they bring up the other change the subject or say you don’t care to talk about that. If they persist end the conversation, hang up, leave, whatever until they get the point and they stop interfering with your friendship with the other. If Kate won’t let it go then you will eventually drift apart just by limiting the time you spend with her when she talks about James. But even if you are closer with James I bet Kate would be very embarrassed if he found out she is being a little weird about him.
 
*Ok, I thought that was the case when I read this purple, but wasn’t sure.:o I remember the thread about ‘James.’ I hope that things work out, whatever God’s will is for you both. It sounds like you are leaning towards remaining friends.

I agree with the poster who suggests to not talk about James with Kate, and visa versa. Hope your trip to meet James’ family goes well. *
 
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