Friendship

[sophie71]

I would like to hear how others view and maintain friendships with lapsed Catholics and non-believing friends.

I have had a friend for many years that continues to live away from the church. I feel at this point that there is little good fruit in the relationship and wonder what is the goal of friendship. This friend has acted in ways that required me to offer charitable correction in hopes that she would cease whatever sinful behavior was occurring. I felt her behavior had gotten to a point that I had to speak out as she had moved in with a man with children in the household.

I had hoped that my continued friendship would be viewed as symbolic of the Church’s mercy. I now think she ignores the admonishment(s) and views the continued friendship, although strained, as stating there really is no sinfulness (since I continue to be her friend). She eventually moved out but a new sinful situation presents itself and I feel that I am not growing in my faith through this experience (except to thank God for the gift of faith!!)and I’m not helping her grow either. I will always pray for her as we have shared many important life events.

St. Thomas a Kempis talks about detachment from individuals and I understand that concept very much now. **What should our objectives be in friendships as faithful Catholics? How should we assess whether a friendship should continue or end? **

Thank you.

 

[JaredR]

Wow. This post is so timely for me. I’ve been thinking about how to handle friendships that are no helpful spiritually, also because of Thomas a Kempis. It would be more fruitful to spend less time with these people, but I am afraid of being alone. Looking forward to other people’s answers…

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

True Friendship is simply this: To desire that which is best for the friend even out our own expense. At the same time you cannot in my opinion ever have a true friendship with a non Catholic because they do not even know what it is that is best for you.

Christ, the Apostles and the Saints have all made it crystal clear what our attitudes are to be towards those who deny Christ and make themselves the enemies of God through obstinacy in sin.

Do not treat with a man without religion. …] Give no heed to them in any matter of counsel. Ecclesiasticus 37:12,14

If he will not hear the Church, let him be to thee as a heathen and a publican. St. Matthew 18:17

Do not work together with unbelievers, for what does justice have in common with injustice? II Corinthians 6:14

Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? And what concord does Christ have with Belial? Or what part do the faithful have with the unbeliever? …] Wherefore, go out from among them and be ye separate, says the Lord. II Corinthians 6:14-17

If any man come to you and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into the house, nor say to him: “God speed you.” For he who says to him “God speed you” communicates with his wicked works. II John 1:10-11

Therefore, be ye not partakers with the children of unbelief. …] And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:7,11

Joined in friendship with those who hate the Lord, you truly deserve the wrath of God! II Paralipomenon 19:2

And we charge you, brethren, in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw yourselves from every brother walking disorderly and not according to the tradition which they have received from us. …] And if any man does not obey our word by this Epistle,. note that man, and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. II Thessalonians 3:6,14

Whoever is separated from the Church must be avoided and fled from; such a man is wrong-headed; he is a sinner and self-condemned. …] But if some of the leaders of schism persist in their blind and obstinate foolishness, and if advice for their own good fails to bring them back to the way of salvation, let the rest of you …] break away from their ensnaring falsehood. …] One must withdraw from those who are engaged in sin; rather, one must fly from them, lest by joining in their evil course and thus taking the wrong road, one should …] become involved in the same guilt oneself. St. Cyprian

To know whom to avoid is a great means of saving our souls. …] Thus, the Church forbids the faithful to communicate with those unbelievers who have forsaken the faith by corrupting it, such as heretics, or by renouncing it, such as apostates. St. Thomas Aquinas

We are not faithful to God if we love His enemies. St. Thomas Aquinas

Men who are holy are separated with their whole heart and by the eagerness of their faith from evil-doers; and they shall be completely separated from them in the future. St. Thomas Aquinas

Is it permitted for Christians to be present at, or to take part in, conventions, gatherings, meetings, or societies of non-Catholics which aim to associate together under a single agreement everyone who, in any way, lays claim to the name of Christian? In the negative! …] It is clear, therefore, why this Apostolic See has never allowed its subjects to take part in the assemblies of non-Catholics. There is only one way in which the unity of Christians may be fostered, and that is by furthering the return to the one true Church of Christ for those who are separated from her. Pope Pius XI

Therefore, if by the sin of Judas, all the Apostles were put in danger, let us by this warning be on our guard against the unbelieving and against the traitor. …] And let us also drive such a person out of our little ship, so that …] while the Lord keeps watch no storm of iniquity shall strike us. St. Ambrose

 

[tbcrawford]

"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.”
"Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures, and without friends even the most agreeable pursuits become tedious.”
"To convert somebody, go and take them by the hand and guide them.”
St.Thomas Aquinas

St.Thomas Aquinas valued friendship greatly.Some of the quotes from above show this.It is also true to remember we all have free choice to choose the right road or the wrong road.

“A man has free choice to the extent that he is rational.”
“But man is freer than all the animals, on account of his free-will, with which he is endowed above all other animals"
St.Thomas Aquinas

A beautiful quote from Mother Teresa below

The “least of my brethren” are the hungry and the lonely, not only for food, but for the Word of God; the thirsty and the ignorant not only for water, but also for knowledge, peace, truth, justice and love; the naked and the unloved, not only for clothes but also for human dignity; the unwanted; the unborn child; the racially discriminated against; the homeless and abandoned, not only for a shelter made of bricks, but for a heart that understands, that covers, that loves; the sick, the dying destitutes, and the captives, not only in body, but also in mind and spirit; all those who have lost all hope and faith in life; the alcoholics and dying addicts and all those who have lost God (for them God was but God is) and who have lost all hope in the power of the Spirit.
Mother Teresa

“People don’t care how much you know, unless they know how much you care.” This statement is true in many circumstances in life. It is imprtant to show our friends or family members who are fallen away that we love them and by our ACTIONS thay will see we are a witness to Christ.Attending Mass regularly,saying prayers showing love for our “neighbour” and so forth.

Modeling faith is the easiest way to show our friends and indeed those we don’t know about the road to God.

Model a life of faith,invite your friend to Mass often and show your friend by your example of faith but still be the friend they need,without compromising your faith.

Crisis of faith from time to time is common. Life circumstances challenge all of us. Faith is challenged and it is in those times our fallen away friends or family members will learn how to “walk by faith.” By witnessing our actions they will be influenced by our ways.Continue to pray for them always and by the grace of God their heart will soften and be open again to Gods will.

In the end it is their “choice” which path to take.All we can do is try to lead them by example and prayer

Acta Non Verba ( “Deeds, not words” ) Actions speak louder than words

Ad maiorem Dei gloriam (“For the greater glory of God.” )

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I think that you should look at whether you’re doing your friend any good. That, to me, would be being a “true friend.” If the cost to you is too high, or if somehow is damaging to your relationship with God, then that’s something you’ll have to decide.

If he is not Catholic, maybe God is using you to get to him. If you are secure in your faith, you shouldn’t have to worry about getting doubts because of spending time with him.

Just my thoughts.

Alan

 

[sophie71]

Thank you all for the replies. I have struggled with a few friendships as I have tried to be consistent in practicing my faith. I was in a serious conversation with one non-Catholic friend months ago and felt that I had to ask her to stop using her form of birth control as it is abortifacient (as well as putting her health at risk). She had always expressed pro-life views and I was surprised that she was buying into life begins “with implantation.” I haven’t heard from her since and am praying about it.

The friend I have in mind in this thread was raised Catholic and though lapsed for many years appeared to be making some effort toward renewing her faith lately. I tried to gently encourage the new direction in her life as I know that the Holy Spirit is in charge of these matters. Sadly, those efforts stopped once she met a man that she has decided to marry in a civil ceremony. Her new life will include many non-Christians or those lapsed in their faith that are sometimes aggressive in expressing their hostility to the Catholic Church. I would only be able to tolerate being around such people on rare occasions. Spending time with them would often require defending the church (unpleasant) or my silence (worse still).

Part of me thinks she needs to see where close association with these people will take her. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we are motivated to change. I feel that I have only superficial interests in common with her at this point that sustained us in our younger days. I have reached a point in my life where I want to spend my time with people who at least desire to know God and love their Catholic faith, no matter where they have been before. I want the best for my friend and I have told her that. She refuses to believe that anything is wrong.

As one person stated, I have feared being alone but am blessed to have some devout friends in my life. I think God will always give us what we need in order to be faithful–and that includes friends who will join us in our walk of faith.

Again, thank you for your replies.

 

[cmscms]

Hi Sophie,

Unfortunately, I have no good news here. I don’ t look for Catholic friends but rather friends who would treat me the way a Catholic would ie keep appointments, give me respect, a listening ear, keep a secret and guess what I am that alone person you don’t want to be.

Is it fun to be alone? No but it is better than when I used to be with uncaring people.

So what do I think you should do about this friend. I think you should look at the fact that you are 50% of the friendship and make sure 50% of the time your needs are met. Does she help you grow closer to God? does she lift your self esteem? Does she take an interest in you?

Although to a strict Catholic a civil marriage is sinful, no one here on earth can judge her. Perhaps that is the one sin she struggles with but she is charitable in other ways.

However, by the sound of your post I am left to conclude there are only 2 possible options

1-) She isn’t there for you and struggles more than just the sin of a civil marriage
2-) You are perhaps pushing the religious issue when everything could be fine if you took on a live and let live attitude. Can you not do certain activites like shopping or going to a movie where religion does not need to be dicussed?

I have no answers I am just giving you food for though

But one thing I am very opnionated about, if someone does not want to hear the word of God, I don’t waste my breath telling them about it. You pointing out her sins will be perceived as an annoyance

CM

 

[HeWillProvide]

Also, doesn’t Jesus eat with the taxpayers and hang with prostitutes and Pharisees and say that he came to save sinners?

 

[gp71]

I’ve had to deal with this issue, too. I have also found it increasingly difficult to maintain friendships where there is not a shared world-view, a belief in Jesus Christ. It’s very hard to sustain a conversation only on superficial topics if true friendship is the goal. It’s wearisome and quite frankly a waste of both people’s time.

Also, when we know a good friend is plunging into serious sin do we just stand silently watching them do it? Would we let them drink themselves or take drugs that cause them physical harm? Do we “live and let live” in those cases?

Jesus did dine with the tax collectors and the prostitutes. He told them that they were sinners and that they were to sin no more. I am willing to do the same, mustering all of the humility that a sinner has to when correcting a friend. But how can friendship continue when you feel there is no shared mission?

For me, I turn to God in prayer-for myself and for my friends. It’s not easy.