What precisely is genuine “friendship,” and what is a true “friend”?
From the Book of Proverbs:
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” [17:17]
“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” [18:24]
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” [27:6]
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” [27:17]
I think true friendship has always been a gift of God. I think the quality and intensity of a friendship depends on the degree to which it directs itself and reaches toward the light of the Divine Love. Friendship, like romantic love, separated from this call simply devolves into a merely human (and thereby limited) kind of love, directed ultimately only to worldly ends of mutual benefaction or self-actualization. Friendship that is graced and touched by God’s life is, on the other hand, a powerful bond that can rival the intensity of marriage.
“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” [John 15:13]
From this and many other verses, we see that the ultimate calling of friendship is one of mutual sacrifice and love. I think this goes far deeper than the everyday conception of friends, at least amongst males in the US, which often is little more than a hang-out buddy or someone with whom you have regular, casual conversation.
Remaining silent on female friendships, I think there is generally a lack of intensity and affection among male friends in the US. I happen to think that true friends ought to always be on an adventure of mutual discovery, celebrating the happy God-given uniqueness of the other and bearing patiently with our human faults; friends ought to deeply know each others’ hearts. Unfortunately, among many men in the US, there is a barrier of homophobia to developing meaningful and loving friendships; any instance of physical or emotional closeness is immediately singled out as something only ‘homos’ do and subsequently quashed.
I think the Christian pastors and teachers in the US have a great opportunity to change society’s perspective on friendships for the better, given the beauty of friendship found in the biblical and historical tradition of Christianity. This silly homophobia among men ought to be called out for the absurdity it is by Christian men.
Do I have any “friends” in the sense described by my answer to the above question?
God has blessed me with several. To this day, we keep in contact and remind each other of how much we mean to one another.
Is genuine and lasting friendship actually possible in our time and culture?
I certainly think so. While people in general change environments much more often than in the past, on the other side of things, many technological advancements have made it possible to keep in contact with friends (e.g. Skype and cell phones). I do agree with an above poster, however, that the growing trend of superficiality and instant gratification in developed nations can only spell difficulty for the formation of meaningful and loving friendships.
Friendship isn’t something that ‘just happens’; if it truly is called to mutual sacrifice and love, then it requires us to work at it. I tend to take as a general rule that, if you and your friend haven’t found something about each other that really bothers the other or if you’ve never had to work past difficulties with each other, your friendship probably isn’t very deep yet. There really have been times when I would have liked to punch my best friend in the face; I know I’ve frustrated him just as badly at times.
As I posted, as far as I am able to tell, I have no true friends. I’m not sure what to do about that, or even if anything should be done. I don’t think I really believe in friendship any more. That’s me being honest.
I hope you don’t finally give up friendship altogether, brother. Remember that, just like anything of value, friendship does take work, often requiring us to move beyond our zone of comfort. If at any time you find a “seed” of friendship with people you know, have courage and try to develop it. Interject yourself in a loving, not invasive, way into your acquaintance’s life; make it a point to have meaningful conversation with him or simply find something fun you both would like to do. I think you’ll find that most people really are humbled and joyous when another person says by their actions “I value your presence in my life; let’s get to know each other better”. Remember, mature friendship is about mutual sacrifice, not what emotional sustenance you can get out of it.
Analogous to Jesus’ teaching that we must give up our lives to save them, we cannot cling to a friend for sustenance, or the friendship will wither and die. Christian friendship truly lives when the friends give themselves to each other, united by their common love of God.
