Friendships with opposite sex while in serious relationship

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elibrown627

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So, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has a childhood friend that is a girl . I have never met this friend. But, he has not seen or spoken to this friend since we started dating so there has not been a chance. However, he wants to get together with her (without me) this weekend. I am extrememly uncomfortable with this situation especially since he has expressed concern about my male friends.

The first problem is the double-standard. How do I deal with that? The second problem is the jealousy. How can I overcome the jealousy?
 
Why does he want to get together with her without you? That would be my first question. I don’t see any reason why he couldn’t introduce you to her and then the three of you have dinner together or whatever (maybe all 4 of you if she has a boyfriend). Did you ask him why he has to see her alone?
 
Rachel126 said:
Why does he want to get together with her without you? That would be my first question. I don’t see any reason why he couldn’t introduce you to her and then the three of you have dinner together or whatever (maybe all 4 of you if she has a boyfriend). Did you ask him why he has to see her alone?
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I am old fashioned but why would anyone of either sex want to be alone with a member of the opposite sex while explicitly excluding the person they are in a committed relationship. not a matter of double standard. smells funny
 
Rdunbar123 said:
I am old fashioned but why would anyone of either sex want to be alone with a member of the opposite sex while explicitly excluding the person they are in a committed relationship.
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Because you are not required to involve your significant other or spouse in every thing that you do.
not a matter of double standard. smells funny
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The double standard is very iffy. Are there other trust issues in the relationship? Have you asked him about why he feels you should trust him more than he trusts you?

Ideally you two would reach a point where meeting friends is permissible.
 
you have to trust him if you want thim to trust you.

in reality, there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. jesus had female friends, paul had female friends. i have a lot of male friends but i’m single so it’s a bit different. it is a little odd that he is purposefuly excluding you from the meeting but again, it comes down to a trust issue. are you afraid something will happen? generally is one of my male friends get a girlfriend, i will back off a bit or at least try to be friends with the girl. has worked pretty well so far. anyways, i feel like i’m just rambling now; not going to lie, life is a lot less complicated when everyone is single
 
elibrown627 said:
So, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has a childhood friend that is a girl . I have never met this friend. But, he has not seen or spoken to this friend since we started dating so there has not been a chance. However, he wants to get together with her (without me) this weekend. I am extrememly uncomfortable with this situation especially since he has expressed concern about my male friends.

The first problem is the double-standard. How do I deal with that? The second problem is the jealousy. How can I overcome the jealousy?
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How old are you?

There are trust issues going on here. Neither of you should be restricting who the other spends time with. Really that’s almost abusive. Both of you should be free to make these decisions yourself, unless there is significant reason for the mistrust.

That said, as a married couple someday, it is poor practice to put oneself in a situation where temptation to adultery may creep in.
 
elibrown627 said:
So, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has a childhood friend that is a girl . I have never met this friend. But, he has not seen or spoken to this friend since we started dating so there has not been a chance. However, he wants to get together with her (without me) this weekend. I am extrememly uncomfortable with this situation especially since he has expressed concern about my male friends.

The first problem is the double-standard. How do I deal with that? The second problem is the jealousy. How can I overcome the jealousy?
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Why, after so long, does he all of the sudden want to get together with her? Did you suggest all going out together sometime so that you can get to know her too?

If he doesn’t want you to meet her, that is a problem. If he says “Hey that’s a great idea, I think you two would really get along”, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
 
I am a married female, and I’ve had many male friends in my lifetime.

He ought to want to introduce you to all his friends, male and female, and they ought to be eager to meet you. Sometimes they size you up, because they’re protective, of course, but they ought to want to get along with you, for their friend’s sake. If they don’t want to like anyone that anyone in their circle dates, then they are putting his chances of having a healthy marriage and family life in jeopardy. Sometimes, the friends do not cope with the fact that their personal version of Neverland is not going to last forever, since if one of their circle grows up and gets married it implies that they are also ready to leave the self-centeredness of childhood. It is somewhat common, but that doesn’t make that attitude right.

Ask him upfront why he does not want you to meet this girl. He may know that she is not coping well with his decision to have a steady girlfriend–even if she doesn’t want him, she may think she has some say over who does get him–and he may be afraid she’ll say something regrettable that will poison you towards her. Childhood friends, in particular, can be as possessive as siblings. If that is it, a brief private meeting before he introduces you to her wouldn’t be an unreasonable request.

He does need to introduce you, though, and he does need to expect her to be social towards you.
 
My husband and I didn’t grow up together. We met in college, so there were tons of back-home friends that we didn’t meet until our wedding, 3 1/2 years later. He has a dear girl friend that he has know since he was in the 7th grade. He is 28 years old now and they still keep in touch. I didn’t meet her until our wedding. I knew about her, there were a few times that he went home for a weekend and hung out with her.
I have a very best friend in the whole wide world that is a guy. Actually most of my friends growing up were guys, I didn’t have super close girl friends until sorority life in college. I still keep in touch with this guy. We still text and talk on the phone.
With my husband’s career we aren’t near any of our childhood friends, but when we go home we will hang out with them. Sometimes we will do a group thing and have a big group of people. Sometimes I just want to hang out with my friend who I have know since I was in elementary school. I haven’t kept in touch with very many people I went to high school with, but he is one of them. Same with my husband. I’m not jealous of their relationship. I am actually very happy that he has kept a friend for that long! Same with my husband. He isn’t jealous when my friend calls to tell me that is little girl scored her first goal in soccer. Granted these relationships have evolved, but all relationships have to evolve to keep going.

You have to have trust. My husband is gone a lot because of his career and I can’t worry about his new friendships at work either. My husband was brand new to this command when they deployed. Like, was there for 1 week. I didn’t know anyone who he worked with when he left. Heck, he didn’t either. lol When he got back one of the first people I met was the only girl in his shop. Nothing like a random girl coming up to hug you! lol. I’m not jealous of their relationship, and they see each other daily. If I ever have any concerns I will discuss it, but there has only been one time that I felt threatened by another female and that was when we were still in college. 🙂
 
Stand back. Attempt at all cost to remain objective. Seek the advice of your elders (mother, if she is wise and willing). Whatever he is doing, and for whatever reason (which he may not even be AWARE of), this is HIS character, this is WHO he is, this is WHO he will remain. The problem with “being in love” is that we can’t see the forest for the trees. Now, you are looking at the forest. He has no obligation whatever, EVEN if he were engaged to you (engagement is not commitment, it is the testing period), to not see whomever he pleases. You have an obligation to yourself:

What do you want from a marriage, what sort of man?
You do realize that “being in Love” is not sufficient, that true friendship and real trust are what makes a marriage sink or swim?
What happens after he has this encounter, wait, and see. Don’t pressure him. You’ll regret it years from now. If he’s having second thoughts (and I’m not saying he is but, as an experienced woman I can tell you, very few men conduct platonic friendships with women, there’s always an agenda whether or not they know it): then, so should you.

Having a boyfriend is one thing; having a husband, another. From the present vantage point and my lifelong experience, I’d say put the “husband” matter on the back burner, sit this out, judge it long and carefully without accusations. Set aside jealousy, I know it’s hard but it will only add fuel to his fire. You are either his first, second and third choice, or you are not. And, if you are not, then neither should he be yours.
 
Also, since he hasn’t seen this friend in so long, maybe he wants to catch up with her before you are introduced. 🤷
 
elibrown627 said:
So, my boyfriend of 2.5 years has a childhood friend that is a girl . I have never met this friend. But, he has not seen or spoken to this friend since we started dating so there has not been a chance. However, he wants to get together with her (without me) this weekend. I am extrememly uncomfortable with this situation especially since he has expressed concern about my male friends.

The first problem is the double-standard. How do I deal with that? The second problem is the jealousy. How can I overcome the jealousy?
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I’m not sure what the double-standard issue is.

Jealousy can be given to God. Relationships are built on trust. If you aren’t ready to trust, perhaps you should dial your relationship back a little. That is, stop considering it to be “serious” until you have worked through the issue.
 
Yeah, that’s a toughie.

The only thing that I can add is that maybe he just wants a chance to catch up with her alone before bringing you into the picture. Maybe she’s clueless and doesn’t know about you? Maybe she’s married (or in a relationship) and will be happy that your boyfriend finally found someone great? None of us really know (and it’s really none of business).

However, my point is don’t automatically assume the worst. It could really just be two friends catching up on the past couple of years.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it if it’s “let’s grab lunch and catch up for a couple of hours.”

As others have said, if you are looking at him as a long-term mate, then you’ll need to trust him.

I always made an effort to include my (now) spouse when I spent time w/my male friends. However, that was more because I wanted transparency. I know that if I wanted to go out with my male friends I could. Usually, if I go out w/my male friends, then it’s in mixed company.
 
SonCatcher said:
I’m not sure what the double-standard issue is.

Jealousy can be given to God. Relationships are built on trust. If you aren’t ready to trust, perhaps you should dial your relationship back a little. That is, stop considering it to be “serious” until you have worked through the issue.
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The double standard is that the boyfriend is not wild about the OP having opposite-sex friends of her own. That does make it odd that he wants to see his opposite-sex friend without the OP–she’s not unwise to wonder if there isn’t something off about that. Still, a truly serious relationship is going to have to work through this kind of thing from time to time, even after marriage. (You can never assume that you can get every understanding that needs to be reached on the table before you marry.)

These are things that the couple simply has to work through. There are many stable marriages in which both agree that opposite-sex friendships, if there are any outside of couple-couple friendships, have to be confined to either very public places or else private places where the spouse is present, and there are ones where both partners in the couple believe that married people can judge when an opposite-sex friend is safe to meet with in private without the spouse present. What doesn’t work so well is when the two spouses don’t have a meeting of the minds on this.

This is something to play by ear, realizing that the friend might be like a sibling, might be someone the boyfriend has secretly been carrying a torch for (or vice versa), and might be something different. With a childhood friend, the OPs boyfriend might not even be entirely sure himself!! As for jealousy, there is an extent to which being protective of one’s relationship is entirely appropriate. Just because you get emotional about a threat and need to look past your emotions about the matter does not mean there is no real threat!
 
I agree that the friend is likely to be just a sibling-like childhood friend, but the double standard is worrying. If your friends knew the boundaries and you were considerate with your boyfriend’s feelings about this and he was still concerned but now wants a 1 on 1 reunion with his own friend, then there might be a double standard.

To understand his possible double standard, please note that you too are concerned about his female friend but are okay with yourself having male friends. Everybody has at least a tendency like that – justify oneself and one’s own habits, suspect others and distrust their habits.

For the record, it may also be that since your boyfriends has realised that you’re going to have male friends in your life, he has thought that he shouldn’t give up his childhood female friend, after all.

I’d say be happy that he’s getting back in touch with a childhood friend but 1) discuss the double standard thing, 2) make sure you guys trust each other (that might be the problem there), 3) perhaps try to find out if he isn’t having some kind of doubts about whom he’d prefer to marry (if you’d prefer to know).
 
chevalier said:
I agree that the friend is likely to be just a sibling-like childhood friend, but the double standard is worrying. If your friends knew the boundaries and you were considerate with your boyfriend’s feelings about this and he was still concerned but now wants a 1 on 1 reunion with his own friend, then there might be a double standard.

To understand his possible double standard, please note that you too are concerned about his female friend but are okay with yourself having male friends. Everybody has at least a tendency like that – justify oneself and one’s own habits, suspect others and distrust their habits.

For the record, it may also be that since your boyfriends has realised that you’re going to have male friends in your life, he has thought that he shouldn’t give up his childhood female friend, after all.

I’d say be happy that he’s getting back in touch with a childhood friend but 1) discuss the double standard thing, 2) make sure you guys trust each other (that might be the problem there), 3) perhaps try to find out if he isn’t having some kind of doubts about whom he’d prefer to marry (if you’d prefer to know).
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👍
 
i’d be having none of it. there is no acceptable reason for him not wanting to meet her with you, unless he wants to talk about you.
 
My first thought was that I could not have such a relationship in my youth. I could still have female friends who were friends as a couple, which is different. But a personal friend which excludes one’s wife is kind of pushing it. I am not saying it’s impossible, but I don’t think it wise for men.

But what ellzeena said is perfect advice. Just sit back and watch. This will tell you a lot of what to expect. You might want to quietly voice your uncomfortableness with it, and then step back as was suggested. That way, if he goes through with it, then you can bring it up as a more valid issue. When women broadside guys with stuff they didn’t know about, then it’s just not fair. But if you gave him fair warning, then he has no excuse.

At the very least, you both seem to have different opinions about boundaries. As a man, I have to say I prefer your version of boundaries. I have to believe there are plenty of men out there who are the same way, so you shouldn’t feel locked into a marriage with somebody that could potentially end up in more conflict than usual.
 
EasterJoy said:
The double standard is that the boyfriend is not wild about the OP having opposite-sex friends of her own. That does make it odd that he wants to see his opposite-sex friend without the OP–she’s not unwise to wonder if there isn’t something off about that. Still, a truly serious relationship is going to have to work through this kind of thing from time to time, even after marriage. (You can never assume that you can get every understanding that needs to be reached on the table before you marry.)

These are things that the couple simply has to work through. There are many stable marriages in which both agree that opposite-sex friendships, if there are any outside of couple-couple friendships, have to be confined to either very public places or else private places where the spouse is present, and there are ones where both partners in the couple believe that married people can judge when an opposite-sex friend is safe to meet with in private without the spouse present. What doesn’t work so well is when the two spouses don’t have a meeting of the minds on this.

This is something to play by ear, realizing that the friend might be like a sibling, might be someone the boyfriend has secretly been carrying a torch for (or vice versa), and might be something different. With a childhood friend, the OPs boyfriend might not even be entirely sure himself!! As for jealousy, there is an extent to which being protective of one’s relationship is entirely appropriate. Just because you get emotional about a threat and need to look past your emotions about the matter does not mean there is no real threat!
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Thanks. I missed that the first time through. :o

Elibrown627, the obvious response is, “You know how you feel uncomfortable with me meeting with Joe when you’re not there? Well, I actually feel the same way about your planned meeting with Jenny.”
 
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