From a Broken Home- Please Help

[salve_maria_1]

First, I’m new here, so I apologise in advance if this is not in the correct forum. I felt that it made the most sense here, but moderator, please move this if necessary.

I am a young woman starting out in college. I had a childhood that was very unpleasant, due to my mother who was occasionally physically and nearly always emotionally/verbally abusive. I had a lot of siblings and my dad was there too, but he seemed to almost cower in the background whilst she vented her rage on us, so that he would rarely get involved. She would make life very miserable for all of us.

She had an unpleasant childhood as well, as a single child who had parents who divorced, and I am certain that she is scarred because of it. But she obviously had mental issues, but refuses to see a doctor and insists that she is completely well. She has an overwhelming desire to control and feels that we are almost property, here to serve her.

She would not give us any physical contact (embraces, pat on the back, anything like that), praise of any sort, and would never ever say I love you. On the contrary, she from the time I was a young child talk about how much she hates us, how she wishes we never existed, how evil we are. When we brought her flowers we picked outside, she flew into a rage, saying, “I don’t want your ugly flowers. I want your OBEDIENCE!” She would and still swears constantly at us, calling us horrible things. I was homeschooled my entire life. From the time I was born until very recently, she would not allow us to make or have friends. We rarely got out of the house and out in the public to do anything. We were not allowed to talk to relatives on the phone without her supervising us, and any letters we wrote to them had to be read by her before they could be mailed. We rarely went to Mass, and while she instructed us in the basics of the Faith, she made it miserable to learn the Catechism. She’d constantly yell at us about how we were breaking the commandments, and didn’t encourage ever any sympathy or love or anything.

She would truly and literally YELL. She still does. And it still strikes terror in me as it always had. I feel nothing for her except dread and wanting to avoid her. I don’t love her. I don’t hate her either.

I don’t even really know what I am trying to say. I guess it has ruined my ability to feel emotions and form relationships. I am always afraid of rejection and I just can’t hardly feel any emphathy. I believe with my whole heart in all the truths of the Catholic faith, but when I pray, it just seems difficult and meaningless. I almost wish I never knew my mother- never had one (short of being given birth to). At least then I could have wondered what they were really like. I don’t know how to feel towards Our Lady. “Treat her like you would your own mother.” Well, I can’t. I’ve never known the love of one. How can I feel what I have never experienced? How can I pray? How can I heal from all of this?

It’s like this- I’ve watched, for example, the Passion of the Christ. Others talk about how they could hardly watch and had to turn it off at certain points, how they were bawling their eyes out. How can people do this? I felt very little. Maybe a couple of pangs, but that was it. I watched the entire movie, dry-eyed, feeling virtually nothing. Maybe that is the best illustration of how I feel. Nothing. Dead.

I am afraid of trying to feel anything because then it will be unbearable. My heart is hardened. How can I learn how to love? I have spent years praying through this, with nothing. I can’t get counseling and yes, I am depressed somewhat, but I’ve managed to rise above it by just thinking about things that I love. I know my calling and have strong direction in that area. But how can I become like a normal person again? How does one heal from this, and go from this to practicing their Faith warmly? I can’t take this anymore- I want to be free of this horribly empty feeling.

 

[eripemedomine]

Hello, salve_maria.

First of all, I just want to say that I’m sorry that you had the childhood that you had. It is so difficult growing up in such a cold and fearful environment, and it is a very natural response to try to protect oneself by dissociating. It’s too painful to feel the emotions that comes with being in that type of environment, so it is just easier to block off all emotions.

I learned very early on how to not cry, because crying meant being humiliated and bullied. I shut everything off, and I was constantly being pushed out of laps when all I wanted to do was cuddle at the wrong time. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt love towards my mother, and I feel like such a horrible person because I haven’t, but my priest reminds me that love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action verb, and the best way to honor my parents, regardless of who and how they are is by me becoming a saint. Part of doing that is having to distance myself from them… in a few weeks, quite literally as I’m moving 8 hours away. But even the past few months, it has involved setting boundaries, and only interacting just as much as I absolutely have to. It is not an easy path, but it is one that, especially with the boundaries, consistently kept will show some results.

As far as the feeling emotions, with the exception of a few tears here and there, I’ve not cried more than a half dozen times in probably about 10 years. I feel like there is nothing but coldness in me, like my heart is made out of stone. Feeling and identifying emotions is still very foreign to me, but I’ve made a bit of progress with that. Love is an especially difficult one for me, and like I said, I don’t feel any love towards my mother, and the advise to think of Our Lady as our mother is not helpful for me. As a result, I have had a difficult time interacting with her.

I’ve found healthy relationships with people outside of my family to be one of the best ways of finding empathy, of feeling emotions, of getting a feel for what “normal” is (or isn’t… whatever normal is). As far as counseling, if it is the cost that is prohibiting you, there are places (is there a Catholic Charities in your area? The one in mine offers counseling) that charge on a sliding scale, and in some cases, it can even be free.

I will pray that you and I find healing, that we both come to know God’s love so much that it breaks our frozen and stony hearts and sets them on fire with His love.

 

[Regina_Love]

Yes, i agree your mom has mental health issues. Trying to control Everything in her life sounds like extreme OCD. Since it is impossible to control everything, it would lead to her constantly feeling frustrated and enraged. NOT a healthy environment for any person. Her behavior has to do with her inability to deal with her own problems, and nothing to do with you! Same with your dad needing to always please your mom.

You deserved to have parents laugh with you, encourage you, and clap for you! You deserved to be loved, affirmed, and blessed every day of your life.

I have been a foster mom for 5 years, so I have helped others like you. **Love is a feeling, and an action. It is learned. ** You have not learned this from your parents who are your first teachers. You have learned behaviors that helped you survive in that abusive environment. Some of those behaviors, such as refusing to feel anything, and total distrust are not necessary once you are out in the world. In fact you have already noticed they are not helping you move forward in your life.

I suspect you are a very wise young lady! There are dreams that you have, and you want to contribute some thing good to the world! This is the goodness, and love in you wanting to come out.

 

[St_Francis]

Salve,
I reacted much as you did towards the Passion also, but I cried and cried through The Glory of God (?)–the Cristeros movie. And I very rarely cry at movies. But different things hit us in different ways… so I wouldn’t worry about that.

I am so sorry about the difficulties you experienced growing up. It may be that a little counseling will help you, but I knkw that prayer will. I don’t know how to explain it, but prayer seems to have multiple results! There is the exterior aspect of praying, where we are saying what we are saying, but there is also an interior effect, where the words sink in. By considering and by speaking the words aloud (even if just by moving the lips rather than only thinking the words), it seems that the words sink into our souls. There is also the “work” of praying, like learning a musical instrument. The more we practice our instrument of prayer, the better we get at it and the more it changes us.

Pray for your mother and for the rest of your family, do what you can to help your brothers and sisters: do what you can that you wish your mother had been able to do for you by hugging them and letting them know you love them.

Don’t worry about your feelings–they come and go and are not so much under your control. Some people just naturally show their emotions less and others have learned not to. If you are very concerned, you may be able to find a good counselor, but in a way it seems like maybe you will go through a period similar to mourning.

Keep close to God, even if it is hard and even tho you are in no way perfect: go to Him as you are and let Him heal you.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I can’t get counseling and yes, I am depressed somewhat, but I’ve managed to rise above it by just thinking about things that I love. I know my calling and have strong direction in that area. But how can I become like a normal person again? How does one heal from this, and go from this to practicing their Faith warmly? I can’t take this anymore- I want to be free of this horribly empty feeling.

Are you out of the house? That’s step one. You can get counselling of some kind somewhere. You can call the SUICIDE hotline and see if they can refer you. You can call Catholic Charities, you have to fight, you have to find a way. You can look around online for forums for people who have survived childhood abuse. Established forums, that have been around for a while.

My life wasn’t exactly like yours but it also left me permanently altered. Here’s the thing: you can get better. And, God heals. It takes time, it takes desire, it takes not giving up. It takes a monumental amount of prayer, of daily Mass, of getting the heck away from the source of your pain.

Every day you continue to choose to live and not die, to believe in God and not reject Him, to want to be more capable of love is a testament to the Glory of God in the Holy Spirit.

Get away and make a life for yourself and make finding therapy and faith your number 1 priorities. I promise you as long as it takes and hard as it will be, it’s worth it.

 

[Kathrin]

Try to find solace in prayer. For example pray before the Blessed Sacrament. Or pray wherever you are. Just be still and close your eyes and try to feel only God’s love for you, nothing else. His Love for you exists even if you can’t feel it, even if you really couldn’t feel love yourself… and I am pretty sure that deep inside you CAN feel love, it is just so covered up by all that other stuff.
You are a child of God, a beautiful child of God, no matter what anybody else ever told you.
He loves you. Believe it. Try to feel it. If you can’t, just tell you it’s there anyway. With time… I believe you will feel more and more of it… really feel it… maybe someday while praying it will make you cry… a good kind of crying.

 

[salve_maria_1]

Thank you all for your responses. They give me much food for thought.

I am still at home- I am not yet eighteen, don’t have a driver’s license, and do not have a car. I get a ride to school every day (we live about half an hour from campus, so not too far). I will probably be moving out once I finish my spring semester. I agree that it is a very important first step.

I don’t have a lot of money and don’t have a job. I was never allowed to look for one. I did finally aquire a decent one which I am sure that I will enjoy on campus, part-time, much against my mother’s will. I was a good student and got a lot of scholarships, but otherwise can’t afford to move out yet, and I don’t think that I will get any help with that either.

So the reason why counseling is not very likely right now, is because of my financial situation and probably even more so because of my lack of transportation. I can only go to Mass when I can get a ride. We do not live very close to any Catholic churches and there is nothing around campus. I deeply wish I could attend Mass weekly, nevermind daily. It hurts because I know that it helps a great deal.

It feels silly saying this, but the only time I ever felt truly loved was going to confession. I can’t explain it…just that I could go and unburden my soul- confess the worst I’ve ever done, and never ever have to be afraid. I would not ever be yelled at or cursed at or hit, nor told how terrible I was, but instead treated kindly and patiently, counseled wisely, and made to show how God’s mercy is great, and how He forgives and loves us. It brought me close to tears sometimes, just because the priest was so kind- treating me with that paternal and maternal gentleness and frankness that I have not really ever known.

For now, I try to pray, but mostly it just feels dry. But I keep trying. I am learning many of the prayers in Latin because for some reason I feel like I can reflect in Latin better. When I am at school, I listen to beautiful music since we never played music at home- Ave Maria, O Purest of Creatures, Te Deum, etc.

I am also trying to develop a relationship with my patron saint whom I chose (St. Francis), because I felt drawn to his spirituality and love of God and His creatures. I will also start praying to saints who were abused as children, like St. Germaine and Blessed Margaret for help in overcoming this.

I definitely love life with a passion- I see beauty in creatures and in nature and am deeply interested in many things, and like to laugh and sing and enjoy simple things that so many people take for granted, simply because they were blessed with the opportunity to do that freely. I just feel like I have a hard shell around my heart and a deep void within. Hopefully with time, that will heal.

Thank you so much for your help, and I will pray for you in whatever poor way I can.

 

[fred_conty]

Sounds from you description that your mother is also a broken women. It is truely terrible what sin has done to all of us. For going thru what you did, you sound very mature and understanding of this situation. Quite remarkable.

I knew a young women very much like you and your situation, and she was taken in by a healthy happy family for a year. At the end of the year, she told them that she would not have known what a normal family should be like if it hadn’t been for them. She had no idea what family love was. It changed her life.

From what you have said, I have high hopes for you since you have such a vibrant faith. Jesus isn’t done with miracles. He told us that would be one sign of his church when he told Peter that he would do greater things than he did. Of course the biggest miracles are those transformations that take place inside of us. As Jesus said, “my peace I give to you my peace I leave with you.” This is the one thing that should console you the most, his presence in you. Whereever you are or go, he is there for you to call on and to give you strength and peace, the prince of peace.

I certainly can understand why you feel as you do about Mary. And I’m sure Mary understands that and would tell you herself if she were here, that you shouldn’t be concerned with this right now. Just know that she loves you immensly and feels your pain as well. Someday, when it is right, it will come to you and will know just how much someone can love you.

I will remember you in my prayers.

Be at peace.

 

[Kathrin]

It feels silly saying this, but the only time I ever felt truly loved was going to confession. I can’t explain it…just that I could go and unburden my soul- confess the worst I’ve ever done, and never ever have to be afraid. I would not ever be yelled at or cursed at or hit, nor told how terrible I was, but instead treated kindly and patiently, counseled wisely, and made to show how God’s mercy is great, and how He forgives and loves us. It brought me close to tears sometimes, just because the priest was so kind- treating me with that paternal and maternal gentleness and frankness that I have not really ever known.

I really hoped that at elast a few people who are afraid of confession read this. Thsi is so beautiful. And no, doesn’t feel or sound silly at all.

Kathrin

p.s. I also, from what you write, feel somehow that… you are dealing with this well, you know… you come across as very mature… and yes, that you will be ok Your faith is so strong.

 

[lovedance4ever]

First of all, I am so sorry you have had to experience these abuses all of your life. You sound like a tremendously strong person, as well as someone who is very mature for her age.

Do you still live with your mother? If you do, perhaps it is time to start looking into getting housing on campus; that might be a good way to start fresh and to not have to always be subject to her abuses. Do you have any family members who would be willing to let you stay with them? I think the first step in healing is to get away from the situation. Of course, while it is always important to respect our parents no matter what, we have a right to distance ourselves from verbal and physical abuse. It’s not healthy to have a steady diet of that.

I am not particularly good at giving advice, but I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Also, please feel free to PM on here anytime you want to talk/vent. I’m a pretty good ear.

God bless,

Christa

 

[Bob_Crowley]

…

I am a young woman starting out in college. I had a childhood that was very unpleasant, due to my mother who was occasionally physically and nearly always emotionally/verbally abusive. I had a lot of siblings and my dad was there too, but he seemed to almost cower in the background whilst she vented her rage on us, so that he would rarely get involved. She would make life very miserable for all of us.
…

It’s like this- I’ve watched, for example, the Passion of the Christ. Others talk about how they could hardly watch and had to turn it off at certain points, how they were bawling their eyes out. How can people do this? I felt very little. Maybe a couple of pangs, but that was it. I watched the entire movie, dry-eyed, feeling virtually nothing. Maybe that is the best illustration of how I feel. Nothing. Dead.

I am afraid of trying to feel anything because then it will be unbearable. My heart is hardened. How can I learn how to love? I have spent years praying through this, with nothing. I can’t get counseling and yes, I am depressed somewhat, but I’ve managed to rise above it by just thinking about things that I love. I know my calling and have strong direction in that area. But how can I become like a normal person again? How does one heal from this, and go from this to practicing their Faith warmly? I can’t take this anymore- I want to be free of this horribly empty feeling.

I had a father who was a bit like your mother, except his actions were quite deliberate. I know that because he told me the night he died, and appeared in my room, which I’ve related many times on this forum. He stated bluntly “I did it deliberately”. His motive was “I was jealous. I didn’t have the same opportunities you did.”

However he apologised (frankly I think he was told to), and at the end he gave this almighty scream and disappeared. I think he’s in hell personally, despite well meaning people who try to tell me I can completey ignore all church teaching about lifelong mortal sin and he’s gone to Purgatory.

At one point however he pleaded with me to forgive him, not for his sake, but for mine, otherwise I’d destroy myself. In his own words, “It’s too late for me! All I was expected to do was to look after my own family, and I didn’t even do that!” He also admitted, “I’ve completely wrecked your life!” Add that to the fact he did it deliberately, and I find it very hard to forgive him.

I suppose you could call him the curse of my life. Like you, I developed a considerable fear of rejection. He completely destroyed my confidence and this led to my missing a couple of opportunities which would have made it a lot easier if I’d taken them.

Your situation is similar in some ways. However you have one great advantage - we had no church background, although I did a bit of Sunday School when I was a kid in the Presbyterian Church. But I later became an atheist. and it was some time before I became a Christian, first Protestant, then Catholic (gradually getting closer and closer to the truth).

I think you need to start developing a network of people who can help you, preferably within the Catholic Church. From what I’ve seen of some of your other posts, you still have the ability to feel, as you are concerned for others, but you find it difficult to express it openly, since you’ve developed a tough shell to protect yourself.

I also think you might have to consider moving out of home, or you’re going to have one hell of a problem studying at college level, which is far more demanding than school, while putting up with your mother’s vindictive bullying, which is what it is.

This might be where a network could come in useful. Through other people, you might find some opportunities open up - accommodation, jobs, emotional and counselling support. In turn, you might be able to help others.

I don’t know if you feel responsibility for your other siblings who might still be at home should you leave, but the reality is that you can only do so much. Secondly if God cares so much, as we hear He’s supposed to, then maybe it’s time He did something positive.

I have a personal belief that Christ suffered somewhat at the hands of his stepfather, Joseph. I can’t prove this obviously, and the church puts a halo around the Holy Family, but Joseph doesn’t get much mention in the Bible other than the infancy narratives (the most we’re told is that he was a ‘just’ man), and if Christ was a “man of suffering” as we say, then I think His own childhood might not have been all that joyful. I mean most men would want sexual relations with their wife. If the Virgin Mary doctrine holds water, that’s precisely what Joseph didn’t get.

That’s my suspicious opinion anyway. If that’s the case, then Christ Himself would know what a bullying household was like. So maybe you should just petition HIm to show you how He coped.

That’s another suggestion. Let’s just say that abusive parents can leave a very negative, lifelong legacy.

 

[Irishmom2]

So the reason why counseling is not very likely right now, is because of my financial situation and probably even more so because of my lack of transportation.

Dear one, most colleges have counseling available on campus. Please, look into that. Your problems do not have to be school related at all, and the counseling is free.And I don’t know what kind of college you are attending, but see if there is a campus ministry also.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Chantal25]

Can you consult with a priest for guidance? Mine has psychology training.

If i was you, i would continue to go to mass, pray and try to find time to go in nature.

You will get well sweet heart and continue to pray for your mom, your prayers will never be in vain.

I pray for you to have peace and for Jesus to help you.

Amen!

 

[Lady_Love]

You will have to learn to love yourself the way your mother never did. I remember going to confession once and my penance was to buy myself something very nice. I was taken aback by the penance and when I asked the priest why? He said, “Because you need to know that you are worth it.” I needed to learn how to receive. I had shut myself off from receiving because my vulnerability often got me ridiculed, punished, etc. I had hardened my heart so that I could deflect negativity but when I put up that wall I also shut out good things. I had to learn to receive “good things.” Receiving “good things” was harder for me than receiving punishment.

Learning this one thing has changed my life.

 

[salve_maria_1]

Would there be any Catholic women who would like to talk to me more about this via PM? There are details that I would prefer sharing privately and I could really use somebody to talk to about all this. Some days are easier than others. It’s been more difficult than not lately, however.

Thanks and God bless.