From a lovesick mind

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Long story short. We lived together in sin for 4 years. She left me to live with her parents, became catholic, I broke up with her because it was too much change for me. I ended up understanding where she was coming from and became catholic myself, well at least I am becoming, I am in RCIA. I’ve been catechizing myself for over a year though, and I can honestly say it is not just because I want to be with her again, as you can tell we have been broken up for over a year now. It has really been the only thing keeping me going this last year, I’ve been really miserable without her. However, we kept in touch, and I learned she started spending alot of time with her young adults group mostly in bars, in particular with men in her young adults group and kept telling me all about it. They of course are much better than me in every respect. I started to feel bad, and decided I couldn’t be her friend anymore. I cut off contact with her. Now I’m more miserable. I’m thinking of sending her the following letter. Tell me, as a catholic woman, honestly, how would you respond to it? I’ve have changed her name to Sally…I don’t expect anything to come of it, I in all likelihood will not send it at all. I just wanted to know what others might think, not just from a religious perspective but from a female catholic perspective. You know there is this whole thing that women only want what they can’t have, I was afraid this might screw things up for me. You might say I’m crazy, or that this doesn’t really belong here…nothing surprises me anymore. Again, I probbably won’t send this letter, just want opinions, maybe suggestions. If I were to send her an actual letter I would probbably make it allot shorter. I’m scared that our period of living together in sin might have ruined what might have been a perfect and holy union between us otherwise.

Letter in next post:
 
Dear Sally,

If I could have said good bye to you in person this is what I would have said.

I would have said that no matter how long I live, no matter how many women I date, no matter where I end up and what I am doing, no matter what happens to me or where the world is, I will never stop loving you. You are the love of my life, that it as plain to me as the nose on my face and nothing will ever change that fact. I’ve come to this realization after hours and hours of pain and self examination. You are the one God made for me to be with, you are my Eve, undoubtably this is a fact. No one shares as many of my interests, and passions, no one feels so comfortable to me, like stepping into my own skin. When we were together and in Love you felt like an extension of myself, and I will never feel that with another human being as long as I live, I am convinced of that.

Things have went so wrong in the past, that somehow that all has changed. God has revealed to me that I, as a result of my past sins, am not meant to be with the love of my life, i don’t deserve her, and this might have to be a punishment I suffer for the rest of my life. He has hardened your heart as a way of teaching me to respect his commandments and his church, a lesson I paid for with my ability to share my life with another person. This is a fact I cannot change.

My words on you, a person content in a life without me, are inert. The effect no change in your heart, but perhaps annoyance or pity, however, if I could change your mind about one thing it would be this.

You have told me in the past that we couldn’t build a friendship, that when we started over that we couldn’t be friends. That we failed. So what, Sally. People fail so many times in life. It is our persistence that drives us forward into the greatest things, a diamond needs to be polished before it is anything more than a rock, and it needs to be polished more than the rest of the gems. To you it is a one time chance lost, to me it is a first step in the right direction. How could we give up on something when it just started to look right.

If I could change your mind about one more thing I would change how you remember me. I think for the first time in the entire time that we have known each other, I am finally exactly the man that wished to have in your life, and you the woman that I have been waiting for. It’s ironic that once we finally have what we have always wanted we find ourselves unable to take it for ourselves. I care more about God than anything else, I lean on him, I understand that my compassion and ability to love others comes from flowing from his love. I desire nothing more than a holy marriage, one that lifts me up into the ecstasy of a wedded bliss that mimics the relationship of Christ and the church. Holy and blameless and honest. I wish to have a family, backed by God, to be the center of my life, to keep me grounded to that which is truly right and just. To present myself as a blameless sacrifice to a wife that adores me in my imperfection. But your memories of me, and my memories of you keep us from ever seeing that which is so plainly in front of our eyes, making us doubt.

If I could change your mind about one last thing it would be that I never cared about you, and that I don’t love you because I needed to move on. It was in fact the exact opposite. In the end I had to let you go. I could see that you weren’t finding yourself happy with me, that (maybe) there were other men that you felt in your heart would have made you happier. To me letting you go was such a great sacrifice. In truth Sally, there were a lot of bad times, and I wasn’t always happy. But just the thought that you were out there caring about me brought me so much joy even in the darkest times, and I didn’t even know it until it was gone. Now I’m only left with an emptiness and a longing for something I can never have.

I would say this to you. You were right in saying there was a lot of bad about our past relationship, because we were bad people. For me, I feel like that has changed, but that doesn’t really matter now. If you were to say that to me now I would tell you that I would give 1000 hours of badness and pain with you for just one minute of the joy that I felt when we were together. That is how potent our happiness was to me. Can you imagine how happy I was on days when we were actually getting along (which was more than you might admit to, I think because you don’t want to remember the good times). If 1 minute were the equivalent joy to negate 1000 hours of pain, then a good day spent with you would have been enough to satiate my pain for an entire year. I would take all the badness again, I would gladly take it again just to know that feeling of you putting your hand on my chest. That in my mind, is the definition of true joy. And none of this takes away from the joy that I can feel with God naturally on my own, because God meant for me to be with someone, just as he meant Adam to be with Eve, and if in my heart I know that person God meant for me was you, then it is in fact entering into God’s joy by experiencing that moment in such a way because God Is Love. And by the same argument, I can truly say that in being cut off from you in this way, I am cut off from the fullness of God’s love because being with you was a blessing that he meant for me to have, and which I sinned away into oblivion, driving me into some kind of hell or purgatory I can’t seem to escape.
 
In seeing you unhappy with me and knowing that you need something other than what I have to offer you this is what I chose to give up. So in truth, I have chosen to leave you exactly because I love you so deeply and so dearly. I am willing to suffer an entire lifetime feeling as though I have been cut off from my one true and only soul mate made especially for me by God if it means that one person can be happy. If this is the cross I am meant to bear, then I will bear it so that you can find joy.

I will always remember of you and think of you however, as my true love. I can’t brainwash that fact out of my mind. I tried literally everything that I know to do to convince myself that is not the case, and I just simply cannot do it. It is permanently written on my heart.

These are the things I would have tried to convince you of in person if I had the chance to tell you good bye. I don’t think we will ever have that chance, nor do I think you would find it healthy, as you said before. This letter probbably won’t have much of an impact on you, you will probbably viewing it as my usual running on at the mouth, but this is truly what is at the heart of how I feel, when I sit down and am honest with myself, these are the thoughts staring back at me. I know that you probbably won’t write me back, and if you do it will mostly be disparaging. You have moved on with your life, so it doesn’t hurt you to tell me things plainly, I don’t expect you to react in any certain way or at all. I just had to get these thoughts off of my chest. I just can’t seem to change how I feel.

Good Bye Sally,

Mark
 
Please someone help me…

God doesn’t seem to want to answer my questions with respect to this and I feel so alone.
 
marcus12345 said:
Please someone help me…

God doesn’t seem to want to answer my questions with respect to this and I feel so alone.
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Marcus, I will respond, but it’s late, so I hope you’ll give me the patience to wait until tomorrow to type out my thoughts…
 
Mark, a human fact is that you have to try, if that’s what you really want to do.
Not making the attempt could leave a lifelong question.
And clearly, you need to free yourself to be able to move on if that is what should occur
If you find out for sure whether she will accept you or not in the spirit that you wish, then at least you won’t later be mourning, “Why didn’t I at least try to see if she would welcome me back?”
Is it wise, or will she reject me? No one but the girl can answer that.

It would be wiser to have the direct conversation with her, but you have to make your own choice about that. It would be better to be more concise, if you did choose to send the girl a letter. Points are much better made if made succinctly.

By the way, Mark, it’s just a cliche that women (or men) only want what they can’t have. It’s only true of those whose joy is only in the attention they seek.

May God continue to bless you on your spiritual journey, and in all that lies ahead of you.
 
Here it is, from a Catholic woman.

First, God is not punishing you. We all make choices in life and there are consequences. Many relationships can’t survive what happened to you: her conversion and moving out, you not being able to cope with the changes. This is not at all unusual.

The letter is very pasionate (not a bad thing) but you keep assuming what she will feel when she reads it and how she will react. ‘You will probably do this, and you will probably not do that.’ I would certainly leave that out because the reality is that you just don’t know. Maybe she would be happy to respond, either for closure or to give you a chance.So if you are going to send her a letter, do it without too much drama, accusation and assuming. State the facts: you are converting, you love her, you want to do things right this time around. See what she says.

Now, getting back together with an ex and having a different relationship is not easy. After living together for 4 years you’d have to be chaste and wait for marriage. The dynamic of the relationship is likely to change. From 2 unbelievers who have a history suddenly there are 2 catholics, speaking a new language and trying to navigate the new waters. On the other hand, two converts can be very happy together, they can grow in faith together and have a very strong marriage as a consequence. But this is something you can’t know unless you try. I think that it wouldn’t take long for you to figure out if things are doable or not if you got back together. So if I were you, I’d write a new letter in a tone more calm and gentle, and boldly ask her to give you a chance. It’s not like you’d ruin a friendship since you have none as things are. If she says yes, things either work out or they don’t, and in that case you don’t waste more time wondering. If she says no, then you just cry it out and move on. I know this is hard to believe, but the pain of a breakup does end. One day you wake up and she is not the first things that you think of.

I hope this has been of some help. God bless.
 
I don’t think you should send the letter; it won’t do any good at all. Trust me on this. Instead, start dating other women and try to forget about her.

Also, there are plenty of good reasons to become Catholic. To get back an old girlfriend is not one of them.
 
Contra Mundum you did better than I! To be truthful I couldn’t face ploughing through all that had been written and I think it’s possible most people would react in that way, including possibly the girl. And yes, pre-supposing what the other person feels or how they will react, can have a negative effect.
Mark, the challenge is to become more disciplined in how you write this letter, if you don’t think you can find the courage to approach the girl directly. Where have you repeated yourself? Some of what you’ve written is highly idealistic, but maybe you can’t help that just now, though excessive idealism can make one seem a dreamer which would not give me confidence regarding a future mate. I guess that’s why I married a man who has sensitivity but speaks plainly. I know where I stand! And because he is direct and realistic, I can trust him.
However, I don’t know what your friend is like.

If you must do this then, honestly, you should speak to her.
It is in any case not a wise thing to commit sensitive things to paper. And you can’t be sure that she would not allow others to read a letter as once it is out of your hands, it’s potentially in the public domain, however privately intended.
The real issue is how to get over the girl if reconnecting is not her wish.
You are crippling your life if you remain bound to this dream and she cannot share it.
That cannot be God’s will for you.
 
I would not send this letter. Bearing the pain of your soul might get your ex to pity you, but it is not going to win her back.
 
Thank you so much everyone, your answers were actually much more insightful and sensitive than i expected. And thank you so much for slogging through the letter! The problem is in my last conversation i had with her she stated plainly that she is not where she needs to be in her relationship with God to be in a relationship. But ive been waiting and trying to move on for more than a year now! In my mind this registers as possibly two things: 1 she has friendzoned me and she is actually hooking up with these other guys and feeling guilty about it 2 she just doesnt feel the same about me anymore. Really at this point all i have is An appeal to pity given what she has said. But it still hurts because i cant seem to force myself to move on no matter what i do! She had said that we need to be friends first and that we had failed in doing that but my fear is that this kind of friendship is the exact thing that will destroy my appeal in her eyes and drive her towards these other men. I will gather my thoughts and say more tonight after work. Please stick with me this advice is so helpful.
 
Groo said:
I would not send this letter. Bearing the pain of your soul might get your ex to pity you, but it is not going to win her back.
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This. Being pitiable might entice her to befriend you again in some way, but it’s not what women want in a man. Women want men who are strong in body and mind, and good Catholic women want men who are strong in their faith as well.

You’d be best off praying that the Lord fills you entirely so that the gaping hole you’re trying to fill with another person is completed. You can’t have your happiness, your peace, your life, revolve around someone else. Especially someone you’re trying to woo. Women on a subconscious level have little respect for men who make their lives entirely about them. It’s weird and it demonstrates that they have nothing going on in their own lives, making them a bad catch.

That’s not to say that you can’t give it another shot with this woman. But I daresay you need to be in a better frame of mind, sounder in your faith, more at peace with yourself and forgo the letter if you make this attempt. Just call her up. Or send her a letter/message asking if you can speak in person. Don’t pour out all of your feelings and life story to her. Ask her how she’s doing, ask her how her life is as a Catholic, tell her about your conversion experience and ask her if you can pick up at least being good friends now that you’ve found the same faith. Then see where it goes from there.

Sending a letter a year after a break up saying “you’re the only person for me ever, God wants us to be together” just signals that you’re not mature in how you see yourself or in your faith for that matter. Do you really know what God wants from you? Ask Him first.
 
marcus12345 said:
Thank you so much everyone, your answers were actually much more insightful and sensitive than i expected. And thank you so much for slogging through the letter! The problem is in my last conversation i had with her she stated plainly that she is not where she needs to be in her relationship with God to be in a relationship. But ive been waiting and trying to move on for more than a year now! In my mind this registers as possibly two things: 1 she has friendzoned me and she is actually hooking up with these other guys and feeling guilty about it 2 she just doesnt feel the same about me anymore. Really at this point all i have is An appeal to pity given what she has said. But it still hurts because i cant seem to force myself to move on no matter what i do! She had said that we need to be friends first and that we had failed in doing that but my fear is that this kind of friendship is the exact thing that will destroy my appeal in her eyes and drive her towards these other men. I will gather my thoughts and say more tonight after work. Please stick with me this advice is so helpful.
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There is no appeal to pity when it comes to wooing women. Seriously. It might get you back in her orbit to some extent but she’s not going to want to marry a man she pities. She wants a man who is strong and confident in himself and in his standing with the Lord. Maybe she’s telling you the truth about her relationship situation or maybe she’s telling a white lie. Maybe she’s scared that if she tries to pick back up with you that you and she will fall back into old, sinful habits! I can certainly understand that fear, don’t you?

Once you’re in a better state of mind and spirit, ask her if you can be friends in Christ. And get your own life and house in order! Really make an attempt to move on. If she’s in your life, even to a limited extent, maybe she’ll eventually be able to see that you’re becoming a mature man and take a second look. Or maybe not. You have to be at peace with either outcome.

God knows what is best for you; stop trying to force something that might not be there. Make an effort to become a well-rounded and mature Christian man and pray that God’s will be done.
 
Hi Marcus,

I don’t think you are emotionally ready to be contacting her. You seem to view this situation as something that just “happened” to you, and are even a little bit accusatory of her- telling her that God has hardened her heart in order to teach you a lesson, that she doesn’t want to “remember the good times”. And outside of the letter, you seem focused on whether or not she is spending time with or dating other men.

Also, you cannot say that God “meant” for you to be with her. Catholics do not believe in predestination. And “true joy” has nothing to do with another person putting her hand on your chest. I think that, in order to someday be a good husband for someone, whether her or not, you have some more work to do on yourself before you’re ready to be a spouse or even date again, and that you should not send this letter. Let her move on with her life as she has been. It is perfectly fine for her to be pursuing other relationships.

It is wonderful that you are growing in your relationship with God and learning about the Catholic faith. Continue to focus on that, and asking what God wants of you.
 
I would not agree to being her friend unless that is what you really want. If you could be happy for her in the arms of another man; happy for her that she found the love of her life; then by all means be her friend.

If what you want is a relationship, though, then be honest with her and with yourself. Should the opportunity come about to speak to her and she suggests friendship, be upfront and honest with her. Say that you still want a relationship. And if that is not she wants, then wish her well and part ways.

It might seem mean to tell her you don’t want to be friends, but it is more honest than hanging around, pretending to be a friend and hoping she changes her mind.

By being honest, she parts with you knowing exactly where you stand. And if she ever does come back to you, she will understand clearly that you want more than friendship.
 
I agree with the above posters in saying that you should definitely not give her the letter. You state many times that she is your soulmate, the one you are meant to be with, etc. Well, what if? What if you end up after many years finding someone who you love who loves you back? There is nothing more heartbreaking than hasty words said in the heat of moment. Also, you are putting an extremely heavy burden upon yourself; in essence you are raising her up as this unattainable treasure while lowering yourself as not being worthy of her. You believe you can never find anyone like her, but being realistic, there is a decent chance that you could find someone to be with besides her. For the sake of your future happiness and hers, I don’t think you should send the letter.
 
marcus12345 said:
Thank you so much everyone, your answers were actually much more insightful and sensitive than i expected. And thank you so much for slogging through the letter! The problem is in my last conversation i had with her she stated plainly that she is not where she needs to be in her relationship with God to be in a relationship. But ive been waiting and trying to move on for more than a year now! In my mind this registers as possibly two things: 1 she has friendzoned me and she is actually hooking up with these other guys and feeling guilty about it 2 she just doesnt feel the same about me anymore. Really at this point all i have is An appeal to pity given what she has said. But it still hurts because i cant seem to force myself to move on no matter what i do! She had said that we need to be friends first and that we had failed in doing that but my fear is that this kind of friendship is the exact thing that will destroy my appeal in her eyes and drive her towards these other men. I will gather my thoughts and say more tonight after work. Please stick with me this advice is so helpful.
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Your two assumptions on what the issue is isn’t really fair. You are assuming she is lying to you. You don’t know that. She may want to become stronger in her faith so she doesn’t fall into the same mistakes that she did last time. You sound jealous that she is friends with other males. She may or may not be in a relationship with one of these men, but don’t call it hooking up especially if she is a Catholic woman now (hooking up has a very sexual connotation).

Also in your letter you assume that she must be the love of your life and that you can never move on.When you are in love you don’t know for sure one way or another and it serves only to make you sound desperate. These things take time. It takes time to get over someone especially when you two were together so long and in a sexual relationship. It will be painful and hard, but just focus on your faith, work, school, whatever. Don’t dwell on the relationship. If God wants you two together, it will happen. I once thought that another man that I was dating was the “love of my life”, but he wasn’t and now I am happily married to another man.

Do yourself a favor and really try to move on. You may think you have tried, but you kept on talking to her, thinking about her, and being jealous of her male friends. If you need to get some counseling. Get a hobby, put your mind on other things, focus at the task at hand, meet new people.
 
I’m not going to send it. I will just have to bear it. It’s a silly idea anyway isn’t it? That God only makes one person that he meant to be perfectly yours. What happens when you screw up your chances with that person, or if they die?

I need to be a man and just move on and forget about her, that’s the only way I can ever get her back ironically, since I’ve screwed things up so badly. Being her friend won’t do any good, it will just make her keep viewing me as weak. There are other men in a much better position to make her happy. I will just have to continue being miserable without her. This is the conclusion you all have led me to believe.

What if there were some way for us to be together though? This is the thought that haunts me. I could be, and was in the past, the perfect catholic man for her, I can truly say that. But I got impatient and fell apart. Now there is just no hope, and God will not help me with something I clearly cannot handle.
 
TrixieMcGee

I have been doing all the things you said, for an entire YEAR, that is why I am at the point I am at. I have been trying that for over a year, nothing is working, the only conclusion I can draw is that there is something beyond just a normal relationship at play here, that God will not let me move on for some reason. Which is why I felt like she is my one destined soul mate, but I guess that idea is just a fantasy. It’s not even biblical is it?

How do people feel about the statement in Genesis that man should not be alone? Why would God smite me with loneliness like this for so long?
 
It sucks being dumped from an intimate relationship. I had a relationship similar to yours but not as long; so I know you are experiencing pain orders of magnitude higher than what I went through. Here are some things that I did to help me through my pain:

-Take time to grieve the loss, and surrender that grief to God
-Reacquaint with an old hobby
-Do something good for someone less fortunate than yourself
-Find some activities where you can meet new people

As for why God would allow this to happen to you, I don’t have that specific answer. Many experience the pain of loss at some point in their lives - the loss of a spouse, a child, a job.

The only answer to loss that I know is in Christ Himself. He wept for the loss of His friend Lazarus. He was abandoned by His closest friends when He needed them most. Peter even denied knowing Him at all. Christ suffered His cross; and now you are suffering yours. If you stick with God through the pain if this cross, He will lead you to a resurrection.

This pain will not last forever. It seems like it will, but it won’t. If you stay close to God and take things one day at a time, as cliche as that sounds, your life will get better.
 
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