D
DallasMaverick
Guest
I don’t know why I am writing this on a forum. I don’t know if I am writing in the correct subforum. I know my story is long, but please read it and see if you can help. I am desperate!
I was born and raised in a very strong, solid Catholic family. We attended mass weekly, prayed at home, and attended an excellent Catholic school from K to 12. I have always been very strong in my faith, even in childhood. I was always top of the class in grades for both academic subjects and religion. I was the star of the school. After high school, I began attending a very prestigious and competitive university. During my freshmen year, I struggled academically. Despite being the valedictorian of my high school and scoring >99th percentile in the SATs, I had a very difficult time adjusting to the rigors of college. Despite my academic difficulties, I continued to persevere in my faith. In December of my Freshmen year, through the recommendation of some friends, I began attending and assisting at a local SSPX chapel. At the end of my freshmen year in college, my grades improved, I grew tremendously in my faith, became more rigorous in my prayer life, and even petitioned to enter the SSPX seminary in Winona before graduation. I had always loved my faith, but, for various reasons, it was clear that God wanted me to serve Him through this avenue.
In the summer after my freshmen year, my life began to slowly crumble. Satan was winning and winning fast. During this summer, I began to have very strong, almost inexplicable, homosexual sexual attractions towards men. I started watching porn and masturbating weekly. I refrained from receiving communion while attending the local diocesan parish (because I did not live near an SSPX chapel). When I returned back to college, I still hadn’t been able to overcome this sin. I quickly brought up the issue with the priest at my SSPX parish. We spoke about it at length and he insisted that I refrain from the sacrament of confession and the Holy Eucharist until I am able to get this vice under control. During my sophomore year, my spiritual director and I would try various things, different tactics and nothing was working. I continued to watch porn and masturbate with regularity. He was becoming more and more impatient and angry and I was dying spiritually more and more. I remember when I told him when I had a very big sinful fall and had actually had a sexual interaction with a man. He was furious. In exactly one week, I received a letter from Winona that my petitions were withdrawn until “freedom from grave spiritual impediments.” I had felt very defeated and told my spiritual director that I was wasting his time and wouldn’t return to him or the parish anymore. I knew I was wasting him time and just toying with the sacraments. He sighed and said that I had to fight and pray harder. It would come in from one ear and go out the other.
The waves of sin continued as the floodgates were destroyed. I fell deeper and deeper into sin. When I turned 21, I discovered the homosexual nightclubs and drinking bars and began to bury myself deeper in the abyss of sin. In my junior year, the SSPX priest was reassigned to a different parish and I was too shamed to return to the parish. I began to attend my local diocesan parish. After much prayer, I started going to confession regularly. Although I was still struggling to stop the pornography and masturbation, I had stopped seeking other men for sexual encounters. I would sin, attend confession on Thursday, control myself until Sunday to receive the Eucharist, then fall back into sin Sunday night or Monday. Fast forward three years and, today: I am in the same position. My work has become more stressful to the point of working more than 10 hours a day. The sin has become a way for me to forget all the stress and release all the tension. At this point, my body and mind are wired. I sin, attend confession on Thursday, receive the Eucharist on Sunday, then fall again within a day or two. There are some weeks where, miraculously, I don’t have a fall for a week or two! These weeks are miracles! However, they are physically agonizing. My body has become so dependent on this constant release of dopamine that, at around day 10 of abstaining from this sin, my back and body ache to the point of being unable to walk. And then I fall again and the cycle repeats. However, I absolutely REFUSE to believe that this can’t be fixed. I REFUSE to believe that my addiction allows me to use the loophole for “grave reason” in Cannon 915 to receive the Eucharist.
I am spiritually exhausted. I run from confessional to confessional from week to week. I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t know how to quit this habit. My academic and professional work have suffered tremendously due to these feelings. I have lost 3 years of spiritual growth because of this. I want to marry a women and have a large family, be a model Catholic family like my parents. However, these homosexual tendencies are not going away and I can’t stop my sins against purity. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am truly without hope. What can I do? Keep running from confessional to confessional every week and keep fighting harder? Abstain from going to confession because I really believe I am abusing the sacrament without real repentance?
I know stress seems to trigger the sin. I know I have obsessive compulsive issues and high stress right now, just like I did in college and the sins have recently accelerated. I want to be free!
I went from being a strong Catholic conservative to a dirty homosexual sex addict. Oh how the Devil seeks and destroys the Lord’s strongest servants!
Any advice or help is appreciated, especially from men that have gone through this in the past. If you do not feel comfortable responding here, feel free to message me. I am sorry if I scandalized you while reading this. I wouldn’t come here, to this anonymous forum, if I had anywhere else to go.
I was born and raised in a very strong, solid Catholic family. We attended mass weekly, prayed at home, and attended an excellent Catholic school from K to 12. I have always been very strong in my faith, even in childhood. I was always top of the class in grades for both academic subjects and religion. I was the star of the school. After high school, I began attending a very prestigious and competitive university. During my freshmen year, I struggled academically. Despite being the valedictorian of my high school and scoring >99th percentile in the SATs, I had a very difficult time adjusting to the rigors of college. Despite my academic difficulties, I continued to persevere in my faith. In December of my Freshmen year, through the recommendation of some friends, I began attending and assisting at a local SSPX chapel. At the end of my freshmen year in college, my grades improved, I grew tremendously in my faith, became more rigorous in my prayer life, and even petitioned to enter the SSPX seminary in Winona before graduation. I had always loved my faith, but, for various reasons, it was clear that God wanted me to serve Him through this avenue.
In the summer after my freshmen year, my life began to slowly crumble. Satan was winning and winning fast. During this summer, I began to have very strong, almost inexplicable, homosexual sexual attractions towards men. I started watching porn and masturbating weekly. I refrained from receiving communion while attending the local diocesan parish (because I did not live near an SSPX chapel). When I returned back to college, I still hadn’t been able to overcome this sin. I quickly brought up the issue with the priest at my SSPX parish. We spoke about it at length and he insisted that I refrain from the sacrament of confession and the Holy Eucharist until I am able to get this vice under control. During my sophomore year, my spiritual director and I would try various things, different tactics and nothing was working. I continued to watch porn and masturbate with regularity. He was becoming more and more impatient and angry and I was dying spiritually more and more. I remember when I told him when I had a very big sinful fall and had actually had a sexual interaction with a man. He was furious. In exactly one week, I received a letter from Winona that my petitions were withdrawn until “freedom from grave spiritual impediments.” I had felt very defeated and told my spiritual director that I was wasting his time and wouldn’t return to him or the parish anymore. I knew I was wasting him time and just toying with the sacraments. He sighed and said that I had to fight and pray harder. It would come in from one ear and go out the other.
The waves of sin continued as the floodgates were destroyed. I fell deeper and deeper into sin. When I turned 21, I discovered the homosexual nightclubs and drinking bars and began to bury myself deeper in the abyss of sin. In my junior year, the SSPX priest was reassigned to a different parish and I was too shamed to return to the parish. I began to attend my local diocesan parish. After much prayer, I started going to confession regularly. Although I was still struggling to stop the pornography and masturbation, I had stopped seeking other men for sexual encounters. I would sin, attend confession on Thursday, control myself until Sunday to receive the Eucharist, then fall back into sin Sunday night or Monday. Fast forward three years and, today: I am in the same position. My work has become more stressful to the point of working more than 10 hours a day. The sin has become a way for me to forget all the stress and release all the tension. At this point, my body and mind are wired. I sin, attend confession on Thursday, receive the Eucharist on Sunday, then fall again within a day or two. There are some weeks where, miraculously, I don’t have a fall for a week or two! These weeks are miracles! However, they are physically agonizing. My body has become so dependent on this constant release of dopamine that, at around day 10 of abstaining from this sin, my back and body ache to the point of being unable to walk. And then I fall again and the cycle repeats. However, I absolutely REFUSE to believe that this can’t be fixed. I REFUSE to believe that my addiction allows me to use the loophole for “grave reason” in Cannon 915 to receive the Eucharist.
I am spiritually exhausted. I run from confessional to confessional from week to week. I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t know how to quit this habit. My academic and professional work have suffered tremendously due to these feelings. I have lost 3 years of spiritual growth because of this. I want to marry a women and have a large family, be a model Catholic family like my parents. However, these homosexual tendencies are not going away and I can’t stop my sins against purity. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am truly without hope. What can I do? Keep running from confessional to confessional every week and keep fighting harder? Abstain from going to confession because I really believe I am abusing the sacrament without real repentance?
I know stress seems to trigger the sin. I know I have obsessive compulsive issues and high stress right now, just like I did in college and the sins have recently accelerated. I want to be free!
I went from being a strong Catholic conservative to a dirty homosexual sex addict. Oh how the Devil seeks and destroys the Lord’s strongest servants!
Any advice or help is appreciated, especially from men that have gone through this in the past. If you do not feel comfortable responding here, feel free to message me. I am sorry if I scandalized you while reading this. I wouldn’t come here, to this anonymous forum, if I had anywhere else to go.
