Frustrated and Confused Single Catholic Woman

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Chantelsrd

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Hey All,

I am a 31 yrs. old woman. Have never been in a relationship with any man. I have tried to be Chaste but have always struggled with addictions like porn and masturbation.
I pray a lot but I guess not enough. I have been for several confessions but fall off the wagon quiet often. I feel alone and have isolated myself from all friends. Have been seeking a spouse for the past 6 years but found none and that is even more frustrating. Recently I got close to an old friend who is recently divorced and he has been very warm friendly and always assuring me that he looks at me like a kid and is not interested in a physical relationship.

Recently my entire family started moving out so I am home alone for a month. I am scared of the dark and very afraid of anything happening to me. This friend told me that he will stay with me and protect me till my sisters return. At first he slept with me and hugged me. We did nothing at all. Time and again he would kiss my forehead when I was sleeping, saying that I reminded him of a baby. I bought all his sweet talk and caring attitude. He the started caressing my neck and stomach by putting his hand into my blouse. At first I tried to stop him but then gave in. I warned him that I am not interested in Sex and that if he ever tried anything funny I will leave him forever. He promised to do nothing wrong. The next day out of curiosity I asked him to show me what a love bite was and he did (all over my stomach, back and the lower and upper part of my chest). I enjoyed it at first but the asked him to stop. The next day when I was sleeping I felt his hand go lower on my stomach and held it so he would stop (and he did stop). But in the middle of the night I felt the bed move and I got up to find his head on my bear stomach and him masturbating by my side. I was terrified and immediately moved away and started praying that Jesus save me from anything that would happen. By Gods grace he stopped what he was doing and moved away. In the morning I bid him good bye and haven’t met him since. He keeps trying to message me on my BB and I reply back but am trying to avoid him. I’m scared that coz of my loneliness and the affection and attention he gave me I may slip back.
I have been to confession but am still weak, vulnerable, alone and don’t know what to do. I trust no one and want to end everything. I keep praying that God takes me away before I sin again.
 
Oh Chantelrsd,
I am so sorry! He totally took advantage of you. He knew you were at a weak moment, and feeling lonely, and treated you abominably. Please go to confession soon, to confess what did happen but also to be strengthened against falling into deeper sin. The sacrament not only forgives you, it heals you. Ask the priest for counsel.
Hang in there! Don’t give up on yourself.

Edited to add: sorry, just noticed you have already been to confession. Missed that on my first reading. Try distracting yourself with wholesome activities like gardening or exercise that will wear out your body. And fight against temptation with holy bedtime reading. During the day and night, when resisting temptation, pray the St. Michael prayer. These are the things that have worked for me.
 
I’m really sorry you went through this, and you are very vulnerable at this time in your life.

As a single woman, you should know that having a man sleeping in your bed is seriously playing with fire. That he tried to “make a move” on you is no surprise.

As a man, I will tell you that since you allowed to him to “sleep with you and hug you” in your bed was a green light for him to try to do more - that you invited him to give you a “lovebite” only poured fuel onto the sexual tension.

You are nibbling at the worm on the hook, without intending to really bite it - however, the hook will get you in the end unless you swim away.

I will be praying for you - this is serious stuff

there is always Hope - ending it is never a solution

Opening up to your priest, or another upright and compassionate person, will help you greatly.

Edit: If you are at all seriously considering hurting yourself, you should immediately find a good therapist. Being isolated from others only makes it worse.

—john
 
I am sorry to hear that you were taken advantage of by a so-called friend.

Stay strong, keep praying, and perhaps talk with your priest outside of confession.

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. (Matthew 7:15)

Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. (Romans 16:17)

I will pray for you.

God Bless you!
 
Thank you All. I really needed those replies.

I’m really in a bad place. Just cant seem to stop blaming myself or stop crying for having done this and also destroyed what could have been a clean relationship between two friends.

I seem to be driving everyone away and am in a bad place right now. Im not sure if I should avoid this man or talk to him because he is behaving like nothing happened and I am making a big deal out of nothing.

I cant seem to stop feeling guilty or thinking of hurting myself. I have tried my best to be faithful and to walk the straight path, have gone to Church almost everyday for mass, gone for weekly confessions and pray for everyone who is going through times like this. but in the end I feel alone and really want to settle down in life, I want to have a strong Catholic family with a loving husband and children. but Im so uncertian of my future or anything that is happening in my life and it scares me. I am so lost in this part of the world and havent met any single Catholic men so far. I am in the Middle East (a place where life is easy and morals are easily compromised)

Please pray that I get wisdom and strength to stand strong and get through this.
 
It is okay to be weak, and to know that you’re weak. Jesus can work with weakness. As St. Paul says, he even would glory in his own weakness, because it helped him know that Jesus was all his strength!

So okay, you feel depressed and lonesome, and you feel embarrassed and ashamed of your behavior. Well, that’s normal for someone feeling repentant. What you have to do is use that to drive you to do better in Christ Jesus, and to drive you to do acts of penitence for yourself and others. Take heart!

The advice you got earlier is good stuff. Do something useful to use up your energy and get something done. Don’t just mope around the house feeling bad. Also, try getting out of the house more. Even if you just go on little errands to the store or the library, you will get some human contact and not feel so bad.

Make friends and socialize. This is what joining clubs is for.

Work on having a consistent prayer life. If you can fit daily Mass or even a daily church visit into your schedule, that might help you feel less lonely when you get home. If you can’t, praying at home is also good, and also helps loneliness.

The saints and angels, and God Himself, are always with you, and they love you. Don’t be afraid, and don’t lose hope.
 
You are obviously online, so maybe try one of the good Catholic singles sites out there - who knows, you might meet a good Catholic man that way - in any event, it will get you out of your circular and self-defeating routine, and get your mind off of your lonliness, as well as get you meeting some new men since you aren’t meeting any in your current life situation.

Here are two:

catholicsingles.com/

catholicmatch.com/

good luck!

—john
 
As a human, we have something in our mind that are called “receiving signal”. Signal comes either from conversation, body language and such.
I as a normal being, will lend you a bit of my logic. We have something call ehem "hope ehem after we receive a bit. Even in economics, people respond to incentives.

A paper left in a windless place, if it gets a bit of fire, it will burn the whole paper soon.

If you are interested in this guy, try knowing him a bit while trying to evade sexual contact.
Try getting what’s his hobby, his favourite colour (it looks unimportant, but colour represents a person), his religion and belief, his favourite food, ambition (if it’s fit), and anything that represents him. But try to differentiate between his mask and his real self, people like to be Prince Charming and Barbie for some unknown reason.

Then, after the “courting session”, try hint him something about marriage.

It’s a bit of a long road and complicated, but it’s the best I can think of.
Stay calm, and be confident to find yourself a spouse to share your journey of life and faith with~
 
Please get some professional counseling to help you deal with your addictions, your fears, your anxiety, your self-harm thoughts, and possible depression.

This is not something you can just pray away. You need a mental health professional to help you.
 
Hi Chantelsrd,

I will pray that you find comfort and peace in your current situation.

Your sins are no worse than anyone else’s. No matter what you have done, or what you fear you may do, God still wants you and does not want you to repent by ending it. Trust in the endless mercy of the sacrament of reconciliation. You are certainly not alone in feeling that your sins make you unworthy to approach God, but that is just a lie of the evil one.

If you do not already have a regular confessor, I recommend that you do. Never feel ashamed of confessing to a man - they’ve heard it all before, and much worse.

I agree with 1ke that professional counselling is probably also in order. A crisis such as this can be the tipping point which starts us working on deeper issues - and some real healing. Again, do not be ashamed to ask. I have sought it in the past, and am currently receiving it. Your diocese may have cheap, or free, mental health services.

Your friend who was recently divorced is likely to be suffering the effects of that still, and for some time. Be wary of his affections, but also understanding of mental state.

I hope that you find CAF to be a friendly and supportive place,

~ Edmundus
 
Chantelsrd said:
Thank you All. I really needed those replies.

I’m really in a bad place. Just cant seem to stop blaming myself or stop crying for having done this and also destroyed what could have been a clean relationship between two friends.

I seem to be driving everyone away and am in a bad place right now. Im not sure if I should avoid this man or talk to him because he is behaving like nothing happened and I am making a big deal out of nothing.

I cant seem to stop feeling guilty or thinking of hurting myself. I have tried my best to be faithful and to walk the straight path, have gone to Church almost everyday for mass, gone for weekly confessions and pray for everyone who is going through times like this. but in the end I feel alone and really want to settle down in life, I want to have a strong Catholic family with a loving husband and children. but Im so uncertian of my future or anything that is happening in my life and it scares me. I am so lost in this part of the world and havent met any single Catholic men so far.

Please pray that I get wisdom and strength to stand strong and get through this.
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I will say this, try not to worry about the feeling of destroying the friendship. Though the temptation was there for him, the intentions on your part seemed to be of honesty and trust.

As far as driving everyone away, I too have been struggling with the same feelings and loneliness; however, I realized that I am not alone, I have Christ.

I think I would not open myself up to further situations with this man if he is pretending that nothing happened, you may find your trust breach in a more serious way next.

And have patience, God has a plan for you. Let his will guide you, and pray to hear his voice.

As far as the dark, like I used to tell my grandson, what you cannot see cannot see you. It is your protective blanket and God is watching over you.

God Bless you!
 
The guy is a perv.
Say ‘bye bye’ and mean it! You are meant for something better!
 
You need to seek help for your addictions with a professional. This so called friend was a creep that took advantage of you and hoped to make you his victim. Sure it wasn’t smart of you have have him stay over and sleep in the same bed but he knew you were going through a tough time and thought to use that to manipulate you into doing what he wanted. He’s a user and you need to tell him in clearly and in writting to leave you alone. Save a copy of your letter and if he keeps contacting you go to the police.
 
First of all, his telling you ‘You remind me of a baby’ is not very nice. You are a 31 year old woman and deserve to be treated as such. You are a grown and competent woman and don’t let him make you think otherwise.

Personally, I don’t think this man is a friend worth having. He obviously has his own issues if he says ‘I will sleep over if you are scared’ but has a hidden agenda.

I know it is hard when you are lonely, but you must stay strong. Ask God to guide you where you need to be. You don’t mention if you are working or not. But perhaps concetrating on your career, hobbies and exercise instead of romance will help build your self esteem. After you have confidence, then you will be able to meet a man worthy of your company.

Also, I have no idea what the circumstances are in the middle east. But I am concerned about your fear of being alone. I use to be PARANOID of the dark so I can relate. But I can also tell you that with prayer and improving myself as a person, my fear just disappeared without me noticing. One day it just hit me my fear of the dark cured itself years ago.

Don’t give up hope, it is a long road that God is walking with you

CM
 
Chantelsrd said:
Thank you All. I really needed those replies.

I’m really in a bad place. Just cant seem to stop blaming myself or stop crying for having done this and also destroyed what could have been a clean relationship between two friends.
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You are not the one who did this!!! You are not the one who destroyed this potential friendship!!! *He is the one who did all that!!! *

He told you he was not interested in a physical or romantic relationship and you believed him. You trusted him and *he *broke that trust.

It is really natural for anyone to respond to physical stimulation, and you told him to stop when you realized what was happening. That was good of you!
I seem to be driving everyone away and am in a bad place right now. Im not sure if I should avoid this man or talk to him because he is behaving like nothing happened and I am making a big deal out of nothing.
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Well, of course he is. He lied to you and was dishonest. He took advantage of your trust in him. Naturally he does not want to act like this is anything to be concerned about!
I cant seem to stop feeling guilty or thinking of hurting myself. I have tried my best to be faithful and to walk the straight path, have gone to Church almost everyday for mass, gone for weekly confessions and pray for everyone who is going through times like this. but in the end I feel alone and really want to settle down in life, I want to have a strong Catholic family with a loving husband and children. but Im so uncertian of my future or anything that is happening in my life and it scares me. I am so lost in this part of the world and havent met any single Catholic men so far. I am in the Middle East (a place where life is easy and morals are easily compromised)
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Please pray that I get wisdom and strength to stand strong and get through this.
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It sounds like you are dealing with some cultural issues as well as personal issues. It is easy for those of us in the West to suggest counseling, but can you get counseling where you are? Can you talk with your priest about what you are going through?

Is there a place where you could do some volunteer work that would be working with other people and directly helping people in need? The people in your parish may know of such a place. That would also be helpful.
 
He definitely took advantage of the situation and was WAY out of line! >:( He HAD to have known better than to do that. shakes head

The first mistake was inviting him over to stay. The second was asking him what a love bite was. If he was a gentleman, he could have TOLD you without showing you or he could have opted not to discuss something like that which could lead to other things. I could go on, but what is done is done. Let this be a lesson learned and not repeated.

You have gone to confession, now ask for God to give you the strength to avoid temptations like this, and please, don’t invite men over to keep you company overnight if you know that you are already having struggles. 😦 God loves you and we ALL fall short and have our issues to battle, and please know that I’m praying for you!
 
And let me just add this: You tried to get him to stop when he was crossing the line. That was a GOOD THING to do! Take responsibility for YOUR actions but don’t blame yourself for HIS actions. He totally misrepresented himself and what he wanted. Probably not a bad idea to wash your hands of this guy completely.
 
thank you all for your replies & prayers.

I am feeling better now. Unfortunately there is no proper counselling available here. I did try to speak to my priest but he was very stern and dissappointed in me. I felt worse after talking to him since he knows me well.

I am working and do try to keep myself busy. But here in the heat there are not many things to do.

I am home alone right now and heard the bell ring twice but did not open the door because I know its him. I have a few of his things left at my place and want to return it to him. he knows where I work, where I live, he knows I go every morning to mass, the time I return home, the activities I do, etc.
I was very honest and open with him throughout but now am scared because he knows too much.

He is of a different religion and I never intended on marrying him. He has always been just a good friend since 2004. All that I wrote about took place in the past two weeks since my family left. Till this time he kept his distance physically from me.
 
Chantelsrd said:
thank you all for your replies & prayers.

I am feeling better now. Unfortunately there is no proper counselling available here. I did try to speak to my priest but he was very stern and dissappointed in me. I felt worse after talking to him since he knows me well.

I am working and do try to keep myself busy. But here in the heat there are not many things to do.

I am home alone right now and heard the bell ring twice but did not open the door because I know its him. I have a few of his things left at my place and want to return it to him. he knows where I work, where I live, he knows I go every morning to mass, the time I return home, the activities I do, etc.
I was very honest and open with him throughout but now am scared because he knows too much.

He is of a different religion and I never intended on marrying him. He has always been just a good friend since 2004. All that I wrote about took place in the past two weeks since my family left. Till this time he kept his distance physically from me.
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My advice, find a suitable spouse. Marry and start a family, raise kids for a stable life.
1st step is to seek the answer about anything that’s bothering your mind.
I think you wish for someone, this is good because it promotes family living.
For me personally, the trinity reminds me of family and how valueble it is.
If you are uncomfortable with him, try find the solution for it. Perhaps you could move or change your daily habit a bit?
 
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