Frustrated at Clingy Woman

[Friday_child]

As humiliating as it is for me to say this here it goes. I can think back to high school and if the internet existed back then, there is a guy who could have easily wrote that post where I was the clingy girl. How did he handle it… He blew up at me and I was humilated. Just thinking about it brings back to pain as if it just happened 5 minutes ago. Not that he rejected me (I have been over that for years) but he HUMILIATED me in front of everyone when he blew up

And you know what… I hold no resentment. I am now an adult who can see his point of view and understand his right to his boundaries. So… don’t worry too much about her feelings, in the end a mature person will respect your choice. However, take her feelings into account. No need to blow up, that is just wrong but be direct in a loving way.

Something like ‘I am really uncomfortable the way you touch me. My intention is to hang around you only when the group gets together and I have no other interest. The way you touch me is something I want to have with a girlfriend. Also, because you contact me so much on Face Book, I am going to defriend you because it has gone overboard’

Very direct but yet polite

CM

Seconded. I too have been that woman/girl. Trying desperately to get the attentions of someone I thought might love me. I have always been a very tactile person and didnt realise when I was younger that this could upset others. I touched a friends arm and he got very angry with me and upset, he had been “chatting me up” though so I was left very confused.

Be direct yet gentle with her, she is probably feeling quite desperate and vulnerable, she may be missing out on affection more than anything else (when I’ve been single the worst feeling in the world is not being able to be held). She will probably relent if you use this method with her.

Good luck though I dont envy you one bit xxx

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think we can read the mind of someone we’ve never met by the use of a 2nd hand account, but I don’t think we need to.

It doesn’t matter if the woman in question is doing stuff that we would not characterize as the OP does, if we were to see it. From his point of view, she is intruding on his personal space and making him socially claustrophobic. Until she becomes guilty of persisting in behaviors that he has repeatedly and bluntly told her must stop, that is all that matters. Until then, it is better to read nothing into her side of it.

He would do best to simply, clearly, and kindly let her know when her behaviors annoy him and ask that the behaviors stop, doing so under the assumption that the woman does not have intentions to either annoy him or attract him. If she does not remember to cut it out after that, he may politely increase the bluntness of his insistence that she stop. Although a certain amount of gentle humor can be appropriate in some cases, the more discrete and totally undramatic he is about giving her this message, the better. IOW, his demeanor ought to be that she has no designs on him and is simply mistaken about the level of touch from her and closeness to her that he finds acceptable.

If she does have designs on him, that is her issue. He would be better off ignoring the possibility and letting her handle anything like that on her own.** The absolute last person in the world likely to help someone get over designs they have had on someone is the target of the designs.** This is from true cradle to grave and from crush through divorce, no matter how a nice a person any of the parties is, no matter how rational everyone involved is, no matter how sorry the target feels or how guilty the target about the situation of the person with the designs. Never forget that rule! This is why he may need discrete allies in quietly arranging the distance he craves. If he can get the distance without involving anyone else, though, that is far better. Fewer people means less drama, and less drama is absolutely his aim.

The targetted person’s job is to get off the radar, stay off the radar, and as much as possible to act as if there is no radar. I would go so far as to say he should act as if her having designs on him is the least likely possibility in the world. If anyone confronts him with the possibility, he ought to respond that of course she is going to make a very nice girlfriend for some other guy, a guy who is suited to her particular charms, but that as for him, he simply does not feel the chemistry that a woman like that deserves from a boyfriend, does not foresee that changing, and that is that. No protests, no drama, no explanations, no details at all, no discussions, no anything, except just a “no, unfortunately, I’m not her man.” A man just knows, and that’s all he has to say. If he’s smart, that is all he ever will say.

That is not only the most practical thing to do; it is also the kindest thing to do.

 

[Madaglan]

Thank you everyone for your additional posts. She has said in the past that she has a problem with recognizing and not passing boundaries. I will be direct with her. I’ll probably see her again later this week at church.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you everyone for your additional posts. She has said in the past that she has a problem with recognizing and not passing boundaries. I will be direct with her. I’ll probably see her again later this week at church.

Based on her previous answer to you, I’m guessing that although this may be something of a recurring problem, it is not a serious one, because she’s not arguing with you. It sounds as if she wants to do the right thing a respect your differences in your natural boundaries. Just address the issue as it comes up.

You sound like a nice guy, by the way. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[Cambridge]

I know this thread is old, but this sounds like a common thing to me.

I think the opening poster probably meant well, but whenever I hear stories like this, I always wonder if there isn’t some kind of underlying pay off involved. In other words, yeah he isn’t interested in her, but he gets something out of it. So, rather than deal with it, he leads her on a little. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets something out of that too. So, she goes along with it, even though she at least suspects, this was going nowhere and hopefully by now, is over. So, the two of them can move on to something that has a real chance at marriage and family.

 

[ryecroft]

Do you have a friend you can hook her up with or have you noticed anyone else in your group who maybe has ‘eyes’ for her? It was just a thought - if her attention was directed at someone else, maybe she would find a mate and also stop annoying you.
God Bless
Rye

 

[Irishmom2]

I respectfully disagree with hostile measures such as unfriending her. I believe there’s no reason for that. It’s not the girl’s fault she’s feeling affectionate and failing to withhold is not the greatest sin (if any). However, I’d be direct and not rely on body language and subtle hints. I believe evasive body language could potentially have some kind of damaging effect through subonconscious processing of rejection. It would be better to ask her, verbally, to restrict the physical affection because it’s making you uncomfortable. You don’t mind hugging her every now and then as you’re friends, but you feel uncomfortable when it goes beyond your personal limits for friendship. No further explanation needed and certainly no bartering. You can address the frequency of conversations separately but don’t feel obliged either to reply immediately or tell her why you don’t. You don’t need to engage in a conversation every time she messages you on Facebook.

Be assertive, don’t go on the defensive, but don’t fall for a guilt trip, and don’t be hostile. You’re dealing with a sad person who needs love in her life and isn’t getting it. Be delicate. (Being delicate sometimes requires clear messages, which is tough love.)

Yes, I agree with this too.

 

[thunderboom]

 

[Mayita30]

Just DON´T answer her messages in Facebook. BY answering her messages in facebook, you are in a way leading her on because you know for a fact that she likes you. Do not answer her messages and try to avoid her as much as possible so that she will realize that you are not interested and that she can move on with her life. I don´t think there is a need for you to be direct and embarass her.

 

[Chinita_12]

I know this is an old post, but it reminds me of my earlier experience of being rejected by a man (who had a girlfriend back then).

I’m very grateful that instead of directly rejecting or humiliating me, that lovely man from Argentina simply said: “It’s my honor that a lady like you like me”, hinting that he’s living with a girlfriend and limiting our topics only to work.

While rejecting a girl’s confession saying something like: “It’s better for us to be just friends”, do you think it’s still possible to be “just friends”?

No. You risk initiating the hostility from the women’s side, and you eventually get yourself an enemy instead of a friend. If I were the women being rejected in this case, I would try even harder to win the man’s heart. Not because I’m desperate but I want to prove myself; and if by any chance I won the man’s heart, I could reject him as he rejected me before as a revenge.

When you say “no”, best to make it sound like a “yes”.

• an opinion from a woman who has been rejected before.