Frustrated - feeling like a bad Catholic

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michaeljason

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I love my daughter, but ever since she was born in March, it’s been hard to do things I used to take for granted. For example, confession - I used to go every other week, whether I had any mortal sins on my soul or not. Now, it is nearly impossible for both my wife and I to get moving early enough on a Saturday so that one of us can go to confession with the other stays behind and watches her. I had every intention of making it this past week, because I really needed it, but then we got hit with the sudeen easter snowstorm, and that made getting out of the house impossible.

I was really looking forward to All Saint’s day mass today, but my wife and I each got about 3-4 hours sleep last night because Meghan was teething and was up several times last night. 8:30 was the only realistic time I could attend with my work schedule, but when my alarm went off this morning, I just couldn’t get moving.

Parents with young children, please give me some guidance here. In a way, I feel like God understands, and not to beat myself up too much, but between work, family life, and school (finally finishing my Bachelor’s), it’s a struggle right now.
 
That’s scary, I was about to write something similar myself.

I don’t have the snowstorm though.

We still go to Mass every week, we chose the best Mass for them. One that wasn’t at the same time as feeding time or nap time.

I don’t pray as much as I used to and I cannot concentrate during Mass like I used to either.
 
Well, I cannot say what you need to do and I am sure you will get several posts saying it is okay and God understands. I am not going to be one of those. Not because I do not think that God lacks understanding and compassion for your situation, but because there is more to God than just mercy. God is also infinite justice and He demands respect and love.

I would not consider what you are saying out of the normal role of most parents and many give up and stop going to Mass when they should and many stop going to frequent confession with the excuse of “God understands.” That is a lukewarm response.

I will put it simply, you cannot be a good parent without God. You cannot be a good parent without Mass. You cannot be a good parent without the Sacraments. It is simple. If you let yourself slip backward now, you will have even more struggles getting back into the routine. If you let yourself have an excuse now, you will fabricate one later to justify laziness (which is not the issue right now). Maybe you have stronger resolve than most, but this is the norm for people.

I work a full time job, am going to school at night for my Master’s degree, am involved in several Church ministries, I have four children (ages 7, 4, 2 and 7 months), but what is most important is that I have a spouse who understands the importance of putting God first in our lives and so supports me in all of these things. She is the grace in my life that allow me to go to daily Mass and better myself for the sake of our family. If it were not for her, none of this would be possible. I hope that I have been able to support her half as much as she has supported me. Remember that marriage is a Sacrament too and thus a source of grace to help you in your struggles (and that God wants to work through you to support your spouse).

What does this support look like and what are some concrete examples? It may be that you alternate going to confession. Usually we both go at the same time and while one watches the kids, the other goes to confession and then you tag out once the spouse has finished their penance. If you can’t do this, alternate weekends.

If you aren’t getting enough sleep, go to bed earlier. You should not both be up with the kids unless there is a sickness that needs cleaning. If the baby needs rocking, alternate who gets up and make sure you go somewhere that won’t wake up your spouse.

I cannot look into your life and know all of your struggles, but that is exactly what they are. You can overcome with the grace of God, but not attending Mass and not receiving frequent confession is denying the grace that you need and it will be a cycle toward less frequent Sacraments and fewer graces. You should curb this now while you still can. Analyze the problem and find solutions that you can implement because your daughter cannot help what is happening to her. God is number 1, spouse is number 2, and children are number 3. If you are losing out on God because of how you are handling number 3, you need to reschedule your life so that God remains number 1 with the help of number 2 for the benefit of number 3.

God Bless.
 
There are different stages in life–having babies who don’t sleep at night is one of them. You will need to find different ways to stay close to God if you can’t get out of the house as much. Going to Mass and confession isn’t the only way but it will take some adjustment for you to figure out what will work in this stage of life for you. You aren’t a “bad” catholic or you wouldn’t care. Do your best, this too shall pass, and when the children are older you can go to Mass and confession every day again if you like.

One thing I remember from when my kids were young is one day I was so tired I fell asleep and I was late picking my son up from nursery school. I was frantic, worrying and probably speeding all the way there. I rushed in and apologized profusely to the teacher who had to stay behind with my son and told her I’d dozed off. The wonderful teacher (it was a christian school) just smiled and said, “you must have needed it (the sleep)” That has stuck with me to this day–she modeled care and compassion for me when I wasn’t giving it to myself. Try to do the same.
 
Just on observation.

Theologically you’re transforming from the meditative personal internal practice of your faith toward a time crunched priest for your developing family (domestic Church).

God particularly blesses all families in their transitions.

It would be a calming practice to pray as a family several times a day. To bless each other with the water of Baptism each day… to begin setting down those family traditions that mark the importance of Christ in your lives.

EWTN is having a series on “Discerning the Spirits” the 14 steps of Ignation spirituality. Fr. Tim Gallagher is also on Spirit Catholic Radio. Fr. Gallagher talks often about how the negative Evil spirit can overcome our efforts at holiness.
 
I had/have similar feelings I have 4 daughters(ages 3- 18) and a 2 yo son, wouldn’t you know he is the one with the perfectly straight hair that takes seconds to fix!!! But I digress. Before the youngest 3 came along I went to daily Mass, many church functions etc. Now my goal is to get to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days!! Something a priest told me was my vocation is wife/mother and these come first. So one of the things I do sacrafice is daily Mass** because I want to be there so bad**.

I know there are people that think you have to be a Mass even if you are in a coma, but I don’t agree if you have been up all night with a sick baby and teething babies are sick, then that is a valid excuse. You’re not skipping Mass to watch a football game. We need our rest in order to function. I live in a rural area where there are not alot of choices of times for Mass and when my two youngest were both getting up regularly at night I missed Mass occassionally. But it wasn’t because I was out partying the night before!! I was caring for the children He gave me. This up at night will pass soon and you can get back to sleeping at night…

I need confession frequently so I understand that you want to go often. I am sure that your priest would be willing to set a time with you and your wife to have confession that is not on Sat night. We are blessed to live about 45 minutes from a Shrine that has confession before every Mass and so it is not only on Saturday night.

You’ll find what works for you-- enjoy your daughter!!
 
MichaelJason
Will be praying for you and family. It is so hard when babies or teething! I gather this is your first child? I was really crazy when my son was born, I thought at one time I lost my wedding rings. Someone had told about mass on line, I have not had a chance to get involved with it just yet! Keep us posted

Peace be with you on All Saints Day!
 
You are allowed to miss mass if your duties to care for your child leave you unable to do so according to the catechism…

2181 The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor.119 Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.

Michaeljason, God sees your heart. I am a parent as well and I do find it impossible to attend mass and confession as often as I would like.

Remember, to whom much is given, much will be expected. Some have more or less opportunities for child care, support from family and friends, difficulties in children’s behaviour, health problems, etc. that leave some people in a much more difficult situation than others. From one parent to another, we all have various challenges, abilities, etc. and God surely takes those into account. We must try to improve every day with the help of God and move closer to Him in as many ways as we can.

I will pray for you and your family.

:blessyou:
 
I AM one of those people who will say God understands.

4 hours of sleep is just insane to try to function on. What I would suggest is asking for help. See if you can trade baby-watching with another young couple so you each can go to mass as couples. Have the mom’s express milk and then watch two babies for an hour, then trade. It works well when you’re adjusting to parenting. Also, you can try and go together to a early AM mass on Sunday when the baby is still sleeping. don’t dress her and after her 2/3am feeding put her in the carrier. Go to the 6am mass without taking her out of the carrier and she should be good for Mass. Then feed her and SLEEP for Sunday. it’s not a waste of a day to just sleep, I’m sure you need it.

As the priest if you can go early or stay late for confession once a month.

And again, ask for help.
 
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