Frustrated in Life

[smndtupidisaftr]

Hi all,

I’ll be very non-specific, but I’m feeling frustrated with the way life is going right now. I was married about a year and a half ago. We have a baby on the way and things are not going smoothly right now. I don’t make a lot of money and I have a good amount of debt to clear up. I’m working full time and also trying to make money on the side to make ends meet. My wife, however, not so much. I get that she’s pregnant and it’s taken a toll on her, but I don’t feel like I’m getting any support. I’ve asked her if she could so some odd jobs from home to make us some money, but she doesn’t want to hear it and says that it makes her resentful of me. So when I hear that, it basically means that everything is on me. On top of that, when I come home I’m the one either making or picking up dinner for the two of us.

I’m getting exhausted. I have a full time job that stresses me out, a home life that is spent working to keep us afloat, and on top of that (on a more personal note) we haven’t had sex for months, and before that it was if I was lucky once a month.

Could you offer some advice and maybe some words of encouragement? It’s a pretty frustrating time for me and I don’t want to be lost to despair.

 

[Kelfa28]

She’s pregnant.

End of story.

Seriously…when I was pregnant I was either so sick I couldn’t do anything or in so much hip, leg and back pain that I could barely walk…and couldn’t do anything. It got even harder after I had the first kid and started having more…the pain was too much to handle.

My husband works 14 hours shifts…some on the overnights and weekends. We didn’t have sex by the end either because both of us were tired and I was in way too much pain anyway.

You either need to get over it or go to counseling and work on your communication with her.

Read the Love Language book. I’ve heard it’s pretty good.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

It takes a while to knock the bachelor out of the married man. And it’s painful. It sounds like your biggest worry is financial. Don’t sweat it, you’ll be fine.

Just remember, Happy wife Happy life.

 

[Xantippe]

**She’s pregnant.

End of story.**

Seriously…when I was pregnant I was either so sick I couldn’t do anything or in so much hip, leg and back pain that I could barely walk…and couldn’t do anything. It got even harder after I had the first kid and started having more…the pain was too much to handle.

My husband works 14 hours shifts…some on the overnights and weekends. We didn’t have sex by the end either because both of us were tired and I was in way too much pain anyway.

You either need to get over it or go to counseling and work on your communication with her.

Read the Love Language book. I’ve heard it’s pretty good.

Right.

I also find pregnancy incredibly disabling. I’m anywhere from 25%-90% disabled throughout pregnancy–not just physically, but also mentally. Practically all of the available resources go to the tummy, not the brain.

OP, your wife is probably no more capable of doing odd jobs than she is of qualifying as a NASA astronaut.

 

[smndtupidisaftr]

Right.

I also find pregnancy incredibly disabling. I’m anywhere from 25%-90% disabled throughout pregnancy–not just physically, but also mentally. Practically all of the available resources go to the tummy, not the brain.

OP, your wife is probably no more capable of doing odd jobs than she is of qualifying as a NASA astronaut.

I understand that things are harder for her now, and I’m totally sympathetic. I know that things like keeping our home clean and odd jobs like that are going to require more work from me. I understand and I do that. But what is bugging me is the fact that all of the responsibilities are coming on to me. She has been able to do some volunteer work at times, so it’s not as if she’s totally disabled, and the ways that I’ve come up with her for us to make some more money are totally computer based. Is it unreasonable to ask her to do even a little bit of computer work?

 

[Xantippe]

I understand that things are harder for her now, and I’m totally sympathetic. I know that things like keeping our home clean and odd jobs like that are going to require more work from me. I understand and I do that. But what is bugging me is the fact that all of the responsibilities are coming on to me. She has been able to do some volunteer work at times, so it’s not as if she’s totally disabled, and the ways that I’ve come up with her for us to make some more money are totally computer based. Is it unreasonable to ask her to do even a little bit of computer work?

It depends on how she’s doing. It’s possible that it’s totally unreasonable.

With my first pregnancy, I just barely managed to drag myself to work during the first trimester and then got laid off after 9/11. I couldn’t even get to the grocery store by myself. I perked up for the second trimester (and was really bummed out at that point to be unemployed), but in later pregnancies, I never really experienced the “Super Woman” second trimester again.

You’re the only adult at home right now, unfortunately. A pregnant lady is often essentially a big baby herself. And it can take a long time postpartum to get better (3 months is probably the earliest to expect improvement).

Bear in mind that this will probably only worsen with subsequent pregnancies, and then you will have additional issues with childcare for older siblings. With my second pregnancy when my oldest child was 2, it was all I could do to be awake and keep the toddler alive, let alone manage anything else. There were times early on when I totally spaced out on the fact that our oldest needed diaper changes. I pretty much never left the house.

With my last pregnancy, things went better at home, but that was largely thanks to the fact that both our older children were school age and able to pack their own lunches. Because of various pregnancy complications, basically my only responsibility during my last pregnancy was eating my diabetic diet, keeping my blood sugar down, picking the kids up from school, and asking the kids about homework. My husband and the kids did everything else.

 

[smndtupidisaftr]

It depends on how she’s doing. It’s possible that it’s totally unreasonable.

With my first pregnancy, I just barely managed to drag myself to work during the first trimester and then got laid off after 9/11. I couldn’t even get to the grocery store by myself. I perked up for the second trimester (and was really bummed out at that point to be unemployed), but in later pregnancies, I never really experienced the “Super Woman” second trimester again.

You’re the only adult at home right now, unfortunately. A pregnant lady is often essentially a big baby herself. And it can take a long time postpartum to get better (3 months is probably the earliest to expect improvement).

Bear in mind that this will probably only worsen with subsequent pregnancies, and then you will have additional issues with childcare for older siblings. With my second pregnancy when my oldest child was 2, it was all I could do to be awake and keep the toddler alive, let alone manage anything else. There were times early on when I totally spaced out on the fact that our oldest needed diaper changes. I pretty much never left the house.

With my last pregnancy, things went better at home, but that was largely thanks to the fact that both our older children were school age and able to pack their own lunches. Because of various pregnancy complications, basically my only responsibility during my last pregnancy was eating my diabetic diet, keeping my blood sugar down, picking the kids up from school, and asking the kids about homework. My husband and the kids did everything else.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I never knew many pregnant women growing up, so it’s all still pretty foreign to me.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Supporting your family is your problem. Your wife can’t do it for you. It’s not her problem any more than pushing out a tiny human is your problem.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I never knew many pregnant women growing up, so it’s all still pretty foreign to me.

I forgot to mention something.

Late in pregnancy, a lot of women get surges in energy where they undertake huge bizarre random projects while looking like they’ve swallowed a baby hippo.

There’s a poster in the Parenting forum who is 8 (?) months pregnant and has been suddenly gripped by the need to overhaul her yard and exterior of her house–so she’s gotten the outside pressure-washed and just brought home what sounds like half the garden section of Home Depot.

I had an episode like that in my sleepy second pregnancy where I suddenly “needed” to clean the hundreds of crevices in the underside of our highchair with Q-tips (we were living in an apartment, so I couldn’t hose it down).

Anyway, mark your calendar for that sort of thing to happen in the last month or so of pregnancy.

 

[Kelfa28]

I forgot to mention something.

Late in pregnancy, a lot of women get surges in energy where they undertake huge bizarre random projects while looking like they’ve swallowed a baby hippo.

There’s a poster in the Parenting forum who is 8 (?) months pregnant and has been suddenly gripped by the need to overhaul her yard and exterior of her house–so she’s gotten the outside pressure-washed and just brought home what sounds like half the garden section of Home Depot.

I had an episode like that in my sleepy second pregnancy where I suddenly “needed” to clean the hundreds of crevices in the underside of our highchair with Q-tips (we were living in an apartment, so I couldn’t hose it down).

Anyway, mark your calendar for that sort of thing to happen in the last month or so of pregnancy.

Yeah, despite the pain…I nested big time.

I cooked enough meals to freeze to feed a battalion, cleaned the house so well that my husband panicked when he came home and found his 8 month pregnant wife perched on a chair and dusting the ceiling fans…because, well, it had to get done!
I also put together the stroller, the bouncy chair, the swing and organized all of the parts of the crib because I had met my limit in terms of construction abilities.

Only to collapse in a heap of exhaustion and serious amounts of pain at the end of the night.

BTW…remind me to yell at PhiloMed…putting a garden together now? She’s nuts!
Then would collapse in

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, despite the pain…I nested big time.

I cooked enough meals to freeze to feed a battalion, cleaned the house so well that my husband panicked when he came home and found his 8 month pregnant wife perched on a chair and dusting the ceiling fans…because, well, it had to get done!
I also put together the stroller, the bouncy chair, the swing and organized all of the parts of the crib because I had met my limit in terms of construction abilities.

Only to collapse in a heap of exhaustion and serious amounts of pain at the end of the night.

BTW…remind me to yell at PhiloMed…putting a garden together now? She’s nuts!
Then would collapse in

But can she be stopped? Not likely!

 

[Anna_jane]

The only person who can say definitively what work she’s up to doing is your wife. If she says it’s just not possible for her,take her word for it. Pregnancy affects women differently, and there have certainly been times when I got out of bed in the morning already feeling like a truck hit me.
I know debt is not a good thing in the long term view of things, but it might be something that has to be accepted for the time being. I’m not saying that everyone should go and spend like mad on credit cards, but maybe try not to let paying it off RIGHT NOW stress you out. You have enough stress in life as it is; debt repayment can go to the back of the line. Also, sometimes God allows these financial trials to teach us greater humility, so that we learn reliance on Him.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi all,

I’ll be very non-specific, but I’m feeling frustrated with the way life is going right now. I was married about a year and a half ago. We have a baby on the way and things are not going smoothly right now.** I don’t make a lot of money and I have a good amount of debt to clear up. **I’m working full time and also trying to make money on the side to make ends meet. My wife, however, not so much. I get that she’s pregnant and it’s taken a toll on her, but I don’t feel like I’m getting any support. I’ve asked her if she could so some odd jobs from home to make us some money, but she doesn’t want to hear it and says that it makes her resentful of me. So when I hear that, it basically means that everything is on me. On top of that, when I come home I’m the one either making or picking up dinner for the two of us.

I’m getting exhausted. I have a full time job that stresses me out, a home life that is spent working to keep us afloat, and on top of that (on a more personal note) we haven’t had sex for months, and before that it was if I was lucky once a month.

Could you offer some advice and maybe some words of encouragement? It’s a pretty frustrating time for me and I don’t want to be lost to despair.

In case you’re trying to pay off debt aggressively now, Dave Ramsey recommends not doing that during pregnancy. His standard advice is to just pay the minimums, save cash aggressively in case of unforeseen events, and then get back to aggressive debt repayment once mom and baby are home from the hospital and doing well.

Once your wife is feeling better (which might typically be exactly mid-pregnancy or 3-6 months postpartum), I would encourage you to do a personal finance class with her so that she can learn more about your financial situation and help you strategize more. But she’ll need to have all her wits about her to do that effectively.

Best wishes!

 

[Franciscan_Way]

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling frustrated and discouraged. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, adequate, and like they are being heard.
You are in a big transition with the pending birth of your child! (Congratulations to you both!!!)
I would encourage you, in a calm moment, to express your feelings to your wife. She probably also feels overwhelmed. No two women experience pregnancy the same!
Try to be understanding of one another, this is new for you both! And remember, you are on the same team!
In the meantime, I will pray a rosary for your intentions. Peace and all good!

 

[heidi_storage]

Are the responses you’re receiving helpful?

We can talk all day long about you should understand this, and your wife should do that, but what you two really need is somehow to get on the same page where you don’t have resentment toward each other. I don’t know what you need to do to make this happen, but maybe you do. Try sometime when you’ve had a nice meal or some other relaxing, pleasurable activity.

I can’t comment on your sex situation because I don’t know what’s going on, but it is absolutely crucial that you two keep some kind of physical contact. At the very least, hug, kiss, cuddle. Even if you’re both exhausted and busy, you absolutely must make time to show affection to each other.

 

[Lorelei12]

Did your wife work before she became pregnant? Did you talk about finances and how things would work out with a baby?

You really never know how you’re going to feel during pregnancy until you go through it. When I was pregnant, after I got through the first trimester I generally felt better than I do when I am not pregnant. I worked all the way through. That was just one pregnancy though, and if there’s ever another it might be different. Other women feel miserable and can’t work, or go through complications.

Depending on how far along she is too, you might be getting a different picture of how she will be in a few weeks. The exhaustion that first trimester was awful. The fatigue is really indescribable. Thankfully, my husband never complained when I asked him to pick up dinner (if I even wanted to eat it) or about a lack of sex. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe it. It might help you to read up on pregnancy and maybe if you learned some more about things like the amount of energy it takes to grow a human being while you are just sitting there it might help you to be more empathetic, even if you can’t really understand.

I found that for my husband, until he actually saw the baby at our 20 week ultrasound, the baby was hard for him to conceptualize. Then it became “real” to him. Try to focus as much as you can on helping her, even if you are frustrated. This is the only time you have left together, just the two of you, so try not to waste it being resentful.

 

[Xantippe]

Are the responses you’re receiving helpful?

We can talk all day long about you should understand this, and your wife should do that, but what you two really need is somehow to get on the same page where you don’t have resentment toward each other. I don’t know what you need to do to make this happen, but maybe you do. Try sometime when you’ve had a nice meal or some other relaxing, pleasurable activity.

I can’t comment on your sex situation because I don’t know what’s going on, but it is absolutely crucial that you two keep some kind of physical contact.** At the very least, hug, kiss, cuddle. Even if you’re both exhausted and busy, you absolutely must make time to show affection to each other**.

If she’s nauseous, that might be a really bad idea.

 

[Viki63]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s a difficult time.
I was okay during most of my 2 pregnancies, (except for one night I vomited for 4 hours straight), until the day before delivery when I had to clean out the refrigerator totally – there never was such a clean refrigerator!.

It won’t last forever. Of course, once the baby comes your wife will have more work to do, and it will fully occupy her for the first few months. It sounds like she is able to do some housework, which is a blessing.
So your best bet may be to rely on God to get you through this, and stay in close communication with your wife. Try to stay positive – thank God for the good things in your life. Thank your wife for the small things she’s able to do. Offer to give her a back rub. Give her a hug and kiss every day – that releases oxytocin and makes everyone feel better.

As others have said, don’t worry about the financial aspects just now, It’s important to keep your priorities in order: God, family, self (health and sanity), job. Do what you can do, take small steps toward your goals, and it will work out.

A husband who takes good care of his wife and child is a heroic figure. Not everyone is willing or capable of doing what you are doing.
God bless.

.

 

[heidi_storage]

If she’s nauseous, that might be a really bad idea.

Unless she’s suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, I disagree; the OP should be careful to use neutral soap and absolutely no scents when getting close to her, however. Human touch is very comforting.

 

[Xantippe]

Unless she’s suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, I disagree; the OP should be careful to use neutral soap and absolutely no scents when getting close to her, however. Human touch is very comforting.

Eh, when I’m nauseous, the last thing I want is somebody touching me, and male body odor can be especially off-putting.

The pregnant nose can be very, very sensitive to any smell.

If I were the OP, I would definitely ask first before doing any hugging or kissing when his wife is pregnant.