Frustrated in Life

[Kelfa28]

Unless she’s suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, I disagree; the OP should be careful to use neutral soap and absolutely no scents when getting close to her, however. Human touch is very comforting.

Oh please!!!

Seriously?

When my husband is nauseous the last thing he wants to do is be anywhere near me!!! He’d probably knock my hand away if I tried to touch him in an affectionate way while he was sick with a stomach bug.

Why is a pregnant wife different?

Hyperemesis is a serious, serious condition that hospitalizes pregnant women on a regular basis because they are in danger of dehydration and shock.

There a various levels of nausea that start with feeling kind of junky that day but go up to and include being sick enough to need anti-nausea medication but no where near hyperemesis. I was on anti-nausea medication with my first because I was sick all the time. I didn’t want my husband to go near me because I was concentrating on not throwing up on a constant basis.

I was sick but that wasn’t hyperemesis or anywhere close to it.

It felt like I had a stomach bug that never went away. But, nope…not hyperemesis.

 

[heidi_storage]

Oh please!!!

Seriously?

When my husband is nauseous the last thing he wants to do is be anywhere near me!!! He’d probably knock my hand away if I tried to touch him in an affectionate way while he was sick with a stomach bug.

Why is a pregnant wife different?

Hyperemesis is a serious, serious condition that hospitalizes pregnant women on a regular basis because they are in danger of dehydration and shock.

There a various levels of nausea that start with feeling kind of junky that day but go up to and include being sick enough to need anti-nausea medication but no where near hyperemesis. I was on anti-nausea medication with my first because I was sick all the time. I didn’t want my husband to go near me because I was concentrating on not throwing up on a constant basis.

I was sick but that wasn’t hyperemesis or anywhere close to it.

It felt like I had a stomach bug that never went away. But, nope…not hyperemesis.

Yes, I know what hyperemesis is, and what severe nausea is, too. (I had the latter, not the former. Cried, hated being conscious, hated the casual way the doctor’s office treated it.) I am not suggesting the husband randomly grab his wife, but I am serious about maintaining regular physical contact.

 

[Kelfa28]

Yes, I know what hyperemesis is, and what severe nausea is, too. (I had the latter, not the former. Cried, hated being conscious, hated the casual way the doctor’s office treated it.) I am not suggesting the husband randomly grab his wife, but I am serious about maintaining regular physical contact.

And I was one of those wives that didn’t want any physical contact while I was feeling so sick.

It honestly made me cringe if someone touched me when I was trying hard to not dry-heave.

Especially from the husband who put me into this state in the first place and got to be perfectly fine and healthy and could eat and drink whatever he wanted for 9 months.

Resentment and depression was and is something I struggled with when my hormones were going haywire and feeling constantly sick and/or completely exhausted and in 8/10 pain every day for months.

Some women are just trying to cope on a day to day basis by just existing while pregnant.

There were some days, okay more then just some…when I was pregnant with my third and nearing the very end…I didn’t want anything to do with my husband. We stopped having sex and I started sleeping in the spare bed. I was in pain, sick, taking care of two other kids and exhausted.

He didn’t really do anything wrong…but I wasn’t coping. Sudden affection on his part would have been a very, very bad idea.

Unfortunately, severe depression and manic thinking were part and partial to pregnancy and being PP.

I got treatment, eventually…but even after that happened…it took a very, very long time for me to feel normal again.

Were going on a full year after I started feeling like everything was out of control. I’m only just starting to feel a little normal again.

 

[jmjZelie]

Why battle about personal preferences when horribly nauseous and pregnant?

None of us are the wife of the OP. Our personal experiences don’t have any relevance for them.

Some women can’t handle being touched when nauseous. Other women want their husband to stroke their hair or rub their feet, even while puking. Some women can’t handle lovemaking while near puking, while others find it offers a welcome distraction and eases her symptoms for a few moments. It is an incredibly individual thing.

What matters is what the OP and his wife prefer as a strategy to stay connected in pregnancy.

The most important thing for the OP to do right now is go talk to his own wife and find out how she is doing and what they can do to be there for each other right now. They are both miserable right now, as per the OP, but it needn’t always be that way. They can talk it out, as a team, not as adversaries.

OP: Find ways to make it a win-win. Take the topics one at a time. Pick the one that seems least provocative, even if it is also the least urgent item, and talk about it at a time when you both feel rested and calm. And then slowly work on other issues. These things might take a few weeks to find a good resolution. So be patient. And be sure to ask your wife if there is anything that has been troubling her, so that she sees that you are on her side, too. The first pregnancy can sometimes be hard to figure out how to relate to each other, but it can also be a joyful and exciting time. God bless you! And good luck!

 

[AClaire11]

I quit my part time job (toxic boss and other issues) partway through my pregnancy after my husband assured me his raise would cover the difference and that he thought it was a good idea. By the time we realized that we really could use the money after all, it was too late and I was feeling too sick and exhausted to do anything. And I won’t be able to go back to work after I have the baby, because childcare costs here are sky high. Not to mention that we agreed before we even got married that I would stop working after we had our first child, anyway.

What I’m saying is that from what I’ve read, and assuming you agreed that your wife didn’t have to work before this became an issue, it seems like we’re in similar situations. And as the wife in this situation, whenever my husband would get in a bad mood and insinuate that our financial issues were partially MY fault, it was like a punch to the stomach. And it did make me resentful, because not only was he not fulfilling his role as provider to my expectations, but now he was blaming it on me when he’d agreed to the situation in the first place! Praise God, we’ve finally been able to stop the blame cycle and unite to figure out how to deal with our hand of cards the best we can.

Financial struggles are incredibly stressful, especially with a new baby on the way. And maybe your wife hasn’t been as supportive as she should be. I know I haven’t, and I’ve had to work on it. I think it’s important for you and your wife to sit down with a counselor or other mediator to work out these issues before the mutual resentment permanently damages your relationship.

 

[StGerardMajella]

but I’m feeling frustrated with the way life is going right now. …I don’t make a lot of money and I have a good amount of debt to clear up. I’m working full time and also trying to make money on the side to make ends meet.

Rise to the occasion. This is crunch time. Consider this an exercise in mental toughness. Reality boot camp.

…but I don’t feel like I’m getting any support. I’ve asked her if she could so some odd jobs from home to make us some money, but she doesn’t want to hear it and says that it makes her resentful of me. So when I hear that, it basically means that everything is on me.

If you were my son, I would tell you that you are the man of the house, and you need to take full responsibility for generating the income to support the family. Act like that man.

And be more supportive of your wife during her pregnancy.

On top of that, when I come home I’m the one either making or picking up dinner for the two of us.

If you were my son, I would tell you to be thankful that you have food on the table.

I’m getting exhausted…I have a full time job that stresses me out…

Most people do. Get more physical exercise. And pray…a lot.

Could you offer some advice and maybe some words of encouragement? It’s a pretty frustrating time for me and I don’t want to be lost to despair.

See above. You need to toughen up.

 

[heidi_storage]

Why battle about personal preferences when horribly nauseous and pregnant?

None of us are the wife of the OP. Our personal experiences don’t have any relevance for them.

Some women can’t handle being touched when nauseous. Other women want their husband to stroke their hair or rub their feet, even while puking. Some women can’t handle lovemaking while near puking, while others find it offers a welcome distraction and eases her symptoms for a few moments. It is an incredibly individual thing.

What matters is what the OP and his wife prefer as a strategy to stay connected in pregnancy.

The most important thing for the OP to do right now is go talk to his own wife and find out how she is doing and what they can do to be there for each other right now. They are both miserable right now, as per the OP, but it needn’t always be that way. They can talk it out, as a team, not as adversaries.

OP: Find ways to make it a win-win. Take the topics one at a time. Pick the one that seems least provocative, even if it is also the least urgent item, and talk about it at a time when you both feel rested and calm. And then slowly work on other issues. These things might take a few weeks to find a good resolution. So be patient. And be sure to ask your wife if there is anything that has been troubling her, so that she sees that you are on her side, too. The first pregnancy can sometimes be hard to figure out how to relate to each other, but it can also be a joyful and exciting time. God bless you! And good luck!

Good post. The larger point here is that the OP and his wife may or may not be able to change their circumstances, but they can feel like they’re on the same side and supporting each other in their struggles. I think it is absolutely not dismissing the wife’s concerns to acknowledge that the OP, too, is going through a tough time. I think it’s completely natural to feel stressed and frustrated, and the OP needs to know that it’s okay to have those feelings.

 

[jmjZelie]

Good post. The larger point here is that the OP and his wife may or may not be able to change their circumstances, but they can feel like they’re on the same side and supporting each other in their struggles. I think it is absolutely not dismissing the wife’s concerns to acknowledge that the OP, too, is going through a tough time. I think it’s completely natural to feel stressed and frustrated, and the OP needs to know that it’s okay to have those feelings.

Right. The first pregnancy (or any subsequent pregnancy really) is often a time where both members of the couple struggle more. It is to be expected. But if they approach their problems as a team, and treat each other like a valued partner and not an adversary, they can avoid a lot of unnecessary resentment or bitterness or conflict, as well as coming up with practical solutions to their problems.

There is a lot of added, and often unexpected, pressure on new dads, that they are not always sure how to handle. It is not just the pregnant mama who struggles. Compassion goes a long way in these times, and can help the couple to forge deeper bonds.

 

[acadiANNA]

The way I understand marriage is set up is that the man works and the lady cooks and keeps house. That is unless the wife works, too, then house management takes two. With a baby coming, there will be a new set of responsibilities. Best to get things worked out now. For the sake of the baby. Praying for you all.

 

[Xantippe]

**The way I understand marriage is set up is that the man works and the lady cooks and keeps house. ** That is unless the wife works, too, then house management takes two. With a baby coming, there will be a new set of responsibilities. Best to get things worked out now. For the sake of the baby. Praying for you all.

So, if she broke a leg or had her appendix burst or had a bad c-section, she’d still need to do all of that? Or if they had no children, there’d never be an expectation for her to work?

I think it’s more helpful (and realistic) for each to do what they can.

 

[PhiloMed]

Rise to the occasion. This is crunch time. Consider this an exercise in mental toughness. Reality boot camp.

If you were my son, I would tell you that you are the man of the house, and you need to take full responsibility for generating the income to support the family. Act like that man.

And be more supportive of your wife during her pregnancy.

If you were my son, I would tell you to be thankful that you have food on the table.

Most people do. Get more physical exercise. And pray…a lot.

See above. You need to toughen up.

This kind of advice is as unhelpful for men as it is for women. Struggles are struggles regardless of gender. The OP is overwhelmed and while we would be telling a woman to put her feet up and find some extra help, we assume that men will just power through. That doesn’t always work and people reach a breaking point.

I think what is more helpful is to remember that while this seems really difficult right now (and it is) pregnancy is not forever. Your wife will be feeling better. Once the baby arrives it will be a new kind of stressful, but it becomes a different kind of shared responsibility.

 

[StGerardMajella]

This kind of advice is as unhelpful for men as it is for women. Struggles are struggles regardless of gender. The OP is overwhelmed and while we would be telling a woman to put her feet up and find some extra help, we assume that men will just power through. That doesn’t always work and people reach a breaking point.

We can agree to disagree. Old-fashioned values: A man should take care of his wife, act like a responsible adult, and not complain about trivial matters.

In older generations, it was incumbent upon the man of the household to be the breadwinner. (It wasn’t that long ago.)

(If I complained to my father about having to pick up dinner for my pregnant wife and family, I think he would have smacked me upside the head with a two by four.)

Yes, we all get frustrated, and there is a time for compassion. There is also a time for maturity, responsibility, and adulthood.

 

[spunjalebi]

We can agree to disagree. Old-fashioned values: A man should take care of his wife, act like a responsible adult, and not complain about trivial matters.

In older generations, it was incumbent upon the man of the household to be the breadwinner. (It wasn’t that long ago.)

(If I complained to my father about having to pick up dinner for my pregnant wife and family, I think he would have smacked me upside the head with a two by four.)

Yes, we all get frustrated, and there is a time for compassion. There is also a time for maturity, responsibility, and adulthood.

I’m going to have to agree with PhiloMed and point out that while yes, the husband is the breadwinner, the wife is still the keeper of the home. Seriously, the OP’s working more than one job and still has to come home and cook dinner? That’s not a trivial matter by any means. If we’re going to talk about “old-fashioned values,” the wife should be able to handle things at home even if she is pregnant.

There are women who are SAHM’s who still get the basics done at home, while being pregnant, and with other children around.

I don’t see this any differently if say, one of the spouses was unemployed while the other worked a job or 2 jobs. The spouse at home should have the responsibility of making sure things at home are done and dinner’s ready.

 

[acadiANNA]

Xantippe, your comment surprised me. Extenuating circumstances do arise sometimes. Point taken.

 

[StGerardMajella]

Seriously, the OP’s working more than one job and still has to come home and cook dinner? That’s not a trivial matter by any means. If we’re going to talk about “old-fashioned values,” the wife should be able to handle things at home even if she is pregnant.

It depends on the pregnancy, and it depends on what stage of the pregnancy. Medical complications do arise, and some women are even bedridden towards the latter stages of pregnancy. In traditional families, the extended family will assist with household chores, such as cooking.

Regardless, if one can afford to purchase dinner, they should be thankful.

If they have a job to pay their bills, they should be thankful.

Fewer and fewer Americans have employment, let alone the disposable income to afford anything above the bare necessities.

The original post should have gratitude that he has gainful employment, a roof over his head, and food on the table. And he should support his wife during her pregnancy in every way possible.

 

[spunjalebi]

It depends on the pregnancy, and it depends on what stage of the pregnancy. Medical complications do arise, and some women are even bedridden towards the latter stages of pregnancy. In traditional families, the extended family will assist with household chores, such as cooking.

Regardless, if one can afford to purchase dinner, they should be thankful.

If they have a job to pay their bills, they should be thankful.

Fewer and fewer Americans have employment, let alone the disposable income to afford anything above the bare necessities.

The original post should have gratitude that he has gainful employment, a roof over his head, and food on the table. And he should support his wife during her pregnancy in every way possible.

I think you’re ignoring the fact the OP is actually quite overwhelmed, stressed, and tired with ALL of the responsibilities. If the OP was the wife in this same situation with an unemployed husband, would you think the same way? She is also an adult. She is also a responsible party in the marriage and should be doing her part to be supporting him, too.

Something tells me you may have never experienced a time in your life where you’ve been in the shoes of the OP. I have more than once, and it’s a huge burden to put on one person.

 

[slh3016]

Hi all,

I’ll be very non-specific, but I’m feeling frustrated with the way life is going right now. I was married about a year and a half ago. We have a baby on the way and things are not going smoothly right now.

Congratulations on the new baby!

I don’t make a lot of money and I have a good amount of debt to clear up. I’m working full time and also trying to make money on the side to make ends meet. My wife, however, not so much.

Did your wife work before getting pregnant or has she always been a housewife? How does she spend her time?

I get that she’s pregnant and it’s taken a toll on her, but I don’t feel like I’m getting any support. I’ve asked her if she could so some odd jobs from home to make us some money, but she doesn’t want to hear it and says that it makes her resentful of me.

Does she spend a lot of money or is she generally frugal? Does she have a lot of nausea? Do you expect her to work once the baby is born? What was your understanding/agreement about what would take place before you were married/before she was pregnant? Did you discuss this at all?

So when I hear that, it basically means that everything is on me.

Yes, I’m sorry, the financial breadwinner of a family is typically the husband. Usually, men prefer for it to be this way, hence the many marital conflicts that can arise when the wife is the primary breadwinner. However, it is stressful at times to feel the weight of that responsibility. My husband can attest to that. Before we had children, we both worked fulltime. When our first came along, the plan was for me to stay home but I loved my job so I worked 3 days a week until our twins came along 4 1/2 years later. Now, I stay at home fulltime and homeschool while my husband works 14+hour days and runs two businesses to provide for our family.

On top of that, when I come home I’m the one either making or picking up dinner for the two of us.

Okay, before really understanding what is going on here, we need more details. For instance, did your wife cook and keep home before she was pregnant or is this her typical behavior? When I was pregnant, there were times I couldn’t cook either because the smells sent me straight to puking. Is this the issue for your wife? I’d advise keeping some frozen meals and salad stuff on hand at all times. That makes for a quick dinner on evenings that she doesn’t cook. It may not be gourmet but you could at least survive and not have to exert much effort.

Also, is your wife able to function in other ways keeping home (tidying up, doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc.)? I ask this because if she is keeping things going in other ways, I really think your complaint about dinner is petty. It’s likely that she is just out of energy by that point in the day to even think about it. Honestly, I’m not a good dinner planner, either, and I’m scrambling in late afternoon to see what we have in the pantry The key is to keep several options on hand for quick preparation.

I’m getting exhausted. I have a full time job that stresses me out, a home life that is spent working to keep us afloat, and on top of that (on a more personal note) we haven’t had sex for months, and before that it was if I was lucky once a month.

Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is your main frustration. It’s not an uncommon one, either, for men with pregnant/unavailable wives. I think you would feel much less stress about everything else that was previously mentioned if your needs were being met here. Honestly, if you were frustrated in this area before pregnancy, there is very little room for improvement with a baby coming into the picture. I think you and your wife need a candid discussion POST pregnancy. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for a wife to frustrate her husband in this area, but I learned the hard way However, after reading Dr. Laura’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, it made a huge positive impact on my marriage in many areas. It might be a nice read for your wife

Could you offer some advice and maybe some words of encouragement? It’s a pretty frustrating time for me and I don’t want to be lost to despair.

I would say to focus on the positives you have going right now. You’re about to be a father. That, while stressful, is an incredible blessing and many would long to be in your shoes. Secondly, you have a job. Be thankful for that. Thirdly, you have a roof over your head. I could keep going but hopefully you get what I am trying to say. Count your blessings and pray. Don’t become bitter and angry because being an adult/husband is harder than you thought it would be.