Frustrated with myself

[Coreopisis]

I am actually really good at accepting other people and not getting angry. I’ve been blessed with much patience in this area which I feel very fortunate for. I am often the one who gets along with everybody when nobody gets along with eachother.

However there is this one friend. She goes against everything I believe in. She hates Catholicism, believes and promotes abortion, believes that her life comes before her sons, believes and promotes ‘free sex.’ the list goes on. (I’ve mentioned her in some of my other posts and how whenever she comes around me bad things happen for a couple days. It is eerie how obviously this happens.) I’ve tried to talk to her about our dissagreements but she seems so defensive and almost mean.

Despite all this I should be able to tolerate her as I always tolerate people. But there is something about her, something I can’t put my finger on that makes my heart feel a weird emotion. I can NOT for the life of me figure out what it is and it is really bothering me

It’s this sort of weird anger that rises up in my chest is new and foreign to me. I don’t understand the feeling it nor can I put it into words other than maybe saying that it is a rejection of her.

She called me the other day and left a message at my house and as soon as I heard her voice that little surge of emotion that doesn’t like her emerged again and I almost felt sick to my stomach at the thought of calling her back. So I didn’t.

This is NOT normal for me. I don’t know why I can’t just tolerate her and I can’t explain the emotion I feel in my heart when she is calling.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? How do I tolerate her? Or should I just let her go since she seems to be the opposite of all my morals and values?

 

[LISA_Annette]

This must be very upsetting to you, Cor, since she is your friend. I am sorry. Does she argue with you? Does she try to get you to see things her way? Is she an angry person? Her spirit of anger is probably rubbing off on you.
With people who are unrelenting on their opposing view that it it overwhelms the entire atmosphere of the friendship, then maybe it is better to be apart if she does not respect you enough to not argue with you. Pray to the Holy Spirit and offer Him by His Will to help you understand what course to take.

But you have to see: she KNOWS your views, right? there is something about you that is attractive to her, and it is God. What do you think?

 

[Coreopisis]

This must be very upsetting to you, Cor, since she is your friend. I am sorry. Does she argue with you? Does she try to get you to see things her way? Is she an angry person? Her spirit of anger is probably rubbing off on you.
With people who are unrelenting on their opposing view that it it overwhelms the entire atmosphere of the friendship, then maybe it is better to be apart if she does not respect you enough to not argue with you. Pray to the Holy Spirit and offer Him by His Will to help you understand what course to take.

But you have to see: she KNOWS your views, right? there is something about you that is attractive to her, and it is God. What do you think?

Maybe you’re right, maybe it is her spirit of anger. She wont admit that she is angry she is in real denial. (De - nile isn’t just a river! tee hee)

She has a men hating thing, she is very overweight and tends to get very angry at society about how she is percieved and angry with others who are skinny. She is jealous too but she surpresses it.

She KNOWS my views. But she does continue to want to come around which i guess is kind of weird since she hates God so much. I’ve even got crucifix’s all over my house and pictures of Jesus and Mary and yet she wants to come over all the time. Huh …never thought of that.

Once, a few years ago, I invited her son over to a sleep over with my son and she showed up with her sleepign bag too! Bizarre. I was so flabbergasted I just let her in and she stayed the night. It bummed me out because all I wanted to do was go to bed, but what do you say? It was so weird.

 

[LISA_Annette]

Maybe you’re right, maybe it is her spirit of anger. She wont admit that she is angry she is in real denial. (De - nile isn’t just a river! tee hee)

She has a men hating thing, she is very overweight and tends to get very angry at society about how she is percieved and angry with others who are skinny. She is jealous too but she surpresses it.

Queen of the Nile! okay I got that out You know what is cancerous about an angry spirit? It grows on the person’s spirit and they don’t even know that it shows in every aspect of their life. Their humor is infected with it; their mundane conversation is permeated with it, and they live in variable degrees of anger from irked, whiney and a little bothered(resembles an anxiety) to outright complaining: “How come the world is such a horrible place to live in” Feeling short-changed and inconvenienced, they communicate harshly. When you ask them “Why you so angry??” They say they aren’t because they LIVE that way and have acclimated to it.

Truth be said, you may be her only contact with God. Be that source, Cor. Be strong, and pray vigilantly to be an example of peace for her. you don’t neccessarily have to tell her about God, unless she asks you (or unless you discern it is would productive); but you could show her the mercy of Christ in your joy. Move conversations away from the negative, and let her experience the peace of being with you. She likely has a HABIT of being negative, and you can gently lead her to a more positive outlook. She is attracted to you—plant those seeds and let them grow. maybe you won’t be there to know it or see it, but in years to come, she will drawn to Christ just because of the time you spent with her.

Have you ever really been angry at someone? That is high emotion—When we don’t care, we don’t bother being angry—we are desparate and desirous of answers— it is at times a frenzy of anxiety and a silent, constant weeping within your soul for something better. She could not be that angry at God and not care on some level about God. I feel that she could be one of His greatest lovers if she only had the direction.
So-- I got poetic, sorry I have my corn-ball moments . But i do not throw poetry around like nothing, Cor—it means something. Angry people are sad people deep down. She needs you.

Once, a few years ago, I invited her son over to a sleep over with my son and she showed up with her sleepign bag too! Bizarre. I was so flabbergasted I just let her in and she stayed the night. It bummed me out because all I wanted to do was go to bed, but what do you say? It was so weird.

How funny—I am not used to company, so I probably would have been just as stunned! I would have been like,“I …was just…gonna…you know----snooze in front of the…you know…” But that’s okay. People like us need to climb out of ourselves sometimes

 

[Sarah245]

I might be the odd girl out in my opinion on this but maybe you should stop hanging out with this friend. Think about why you spend time with her, is it just out of habit? or deep down do you really care about her soul and want to be her friend?
She might not be a good person to have around, especially around your kids. Don’t compromise on anything when talking to her and stay calm and charitable in your speech. But maybe you should spend less time with her. She might really start to miss you and then change her ways to be able to see you again.

 

[Ravyn_Guiliani]

I have had a few spiritual leeches like this in my life too. I usually go well beyond the call of duty and love these people until it affects my health and then my husband says get rid of them. Only you know if it is effecting you for good or bad. In the world of pagans these types are referred to as psychic vampires.
You may be able to change your attitude and stay friends with her but if it is negative to you in anyway you don’t need it to tempt you to sin (anger, depression etc.)

 

[LISA_Annette]

You may be able to change your attitude and stay friends with her but if it is negative to you in anyway you don’t need it to tempt you to sin (anger, depression etc.)

This is very good advice

 

[mpb74]

How did you guys ever wind up friends? You sound so different.

When I don’t like being around somebody it is sometimes because something about them, usually not the real noticeable things, remind me of something in myself I don’t like to look at.

Sometimes they are such glaringly defective people I fear I could be like them if circumstances, or good decisions in the past, were different. I try to look at myself first because I’m often enlightened by doing so.

Maybe she is just really obnoxious. It’s no fun being around obnoxious people. ( At least that’s what people are always telling me, I have no idea why they would all tell me that.) If she is so angry ask her if she thinks she is angry, because that is how she appears to be. If she says she is angry, ask her if she wants to feel better. If she says yes, there are many avenues of help, especially the spiritual. There are many more wise than I, not just many, billions in fact, who can help you from there. You seem like you might be one of those wise people.

If none of the above applies, drop her like a bad habit, she’ll become a cancer in your life and your families. If it is necessary to dump her, show her the the love and charity and kindnes of telling her why and maybe you can leave the door open if she changes. good luck Dan

 

[Coreopisis]

Have you ever really been angry at someone?

That is funny you ask. The answer is no, not really. I have a predisposition to get sad not angry. I’ve actually been going to the doctor for some health issues and recently learned that I have a hormonal imbalance where I overproduce estrogen to the nines and I under produce progesterone and for all intents and purposes don’t produce testosterone. [Can you say emotional?] We are working on medically fixing this but I think maybe that is why I don’t get angry and instead I get sad?? That is my theory anyway. But seriously I don’t think I have ever been angry like I see other people get angry so that is my first problem, I don’t really understand it.

Thanks for the advice!
~Sarah

 

[Coreopisis]

I might be the odd girl out in my opinion on this but maybe you should stop hanging out with this friend. Think about why you spend time with her, is it just out of habit? or deep down do you really care about her soul and want to be her friend?
She might not be a good person to have around, especially around your kids. Don’t compromise on anything when talking to her and stay calm and charitable in your speech. But maybe you should spend less time with her. She might really start to miss you and then change her ways to be able to see you again.

I’ve been thinking along these lines for some time now and have just been ‘busy’ if you know what I mean. Deep down I think I am annoyed which like I said before bothers me. She makes me feel feelings that I am not used to. I think maybe I am picking up on her anger, and I get annoyed and frusterated.

I’ve stayed away for a while now and she seems to not be changing. She’s got this pride thing where she refuses to change for anyone.

 

[Coreopisis]

I have had a few spiritual leeches like this in my life too. I usually go well beyond the call of duty and love these people until it affects my health and then my husband says get rid of them. Only you know if it is effecting you for good or bad. In the world of pagans these types are referred to as psychic vampires.
You may be able to change your attitude and stay friends with her but if it is negative to you in anyway you don’t need it to tempt you to sin (anger, depression etc.)

Wow, ‘spiritual leeches’ what an awesome term for it. I think she might be an ‘emotional leech’ also or is that the same thing?

What is so hard for me is that she is one of those people who believes in honesty so she will say things to you that are ‘honest’ but really kind of mean and unnecessary. However if you say ‘honest’ things to her she can’t handle it. So what happens is I sort of take these constant little blows and I grin and bear it but it gets old.

For instance there was a time in my life where I was going through severe depression (probably from hormones) and ended up in the hospital for a couple days. She was a good friend. She took me to the hospital and she was there for me at the time but now she has labled me as ‘high maintenance’ and she jokes about it. The worst part is that when we’ve gone to see bands together and meet new people she will actually introduce me as the high-maintenance girl.

Now if you ask me, she is high maintenance because she is so insecure and sensitive, but if I was to ever say that she would be destroyed. But just sitting and taking those comments for two years really wore on me. I think your comment of leech explains it best. It just wore me out.

I guess I am just trying to say that it is a lot of work to be friends with her.

 

[Coreopisis]

How did you guys ever wind up friends? You sound so different.

Well Dan that is a good question.

We became friends because we worked together. She actually found out that I had a kid her sons age and approached me to hang out and so we did.

Her son was a nightmare and my son had a hard time tolerating him. He was really immature and needy with my son. Then as I got to know her I found out that she went out to the bars 4-5 nights a week and was leaving her son with various relatives each night of the week. He was essentially neglected.This concerned me as it explained why her son was so emotionally needy. I met her sister whom I also worked with and mentioned my concerns ot her. Her response was “Sarah, we all know my sister is a bad parent. We’ve tried to make her stay home with her son by refusing to watch him, but the problem is she takes it out on her son. So now we just do it, as it is the lesser of the two evils.”

I need to disclose something about myself here so that this makes more sense to you. I myself had a rough childhood. As a result I am really protective of kids and with my own I am extremely conscious and aware of my parenting. I don’t make any decision lightly and my son ALWAYS comes first. So back to my story…

Because of my viewpoints on parenting this was distressing for me. Her son was so immature I didn’t want him hanging out with my son so I made sure he was busy. But her son LOVED my son. So she called and I agreed to allow him to sleep over so that I wouldn’t have to hang out with her. That is when she showed up with her own sleeping bag. (She is very pushy.)

Now a couple years ago she got her son a Big Brother. This big brother just so happened to be a very successful business man who is gay. About two years after this person became her sons big brother she decided to allow him to adopt her son and share custody. This bothered me greatly, not becuase this man is gay but because what mother would allow any man to adopt their child unless they were married to them??? Granted the child is probably better off, but I can not comprehend doing that. But we know why she did. Free babysitter.

Now this new dad called me quite a few times wanting to get the kids together because he says my son is a good influence on his son. But his son is a terrible influence on mine so I keep them apart. I am having a hard enough time raising him well as a single parent I don’t need this kid undoing my work. Besides - the moment I decide to let them get together this girl will show up.

Through out all of this she kept pushing our friendship. She told me how she hated Catholicism and was pro choice and that children should never be allowed to dictate our life. All of which I am strongly against however if I argue with her she gets really loud and angry. I don’t like that sort of conflict so I just keep it to myself. I personally feel that children are a gift from God and that God in makeing us parents he is entrusting us with the very important job of raising a person both in body and in spirit on His behalf. According to her I am just a dumb Catholic who has been quilted into these ideas.

At one point had a birthday party for herself and so I went. Only me and one other person showed up. Not even her own sister. Well this guilted me into hanging out with her a few more times.

Now here is the interesting spiritual part.

My house was haunted about a year and a half ago. (Long story.) After going through a blessing and a bunch of other stuff a priest asked me to keep a journal and see if I couldn’t find links to the bad attacks. I did find a link. If she visited my house, we would have 2 days of increased activity in our house and sometimes physical attacks. This drove me to stay away from her even more.

Now my house has been pretty quiet until the past few weeks. And in the past few weeks she has been calling trying to get ahold of me. Coincidence? Maybe…but this is another reason I want to stay away.

Dan, I haven’t even talked to her in probably 6 months. She just keeps resurfacing and she doesn’t give up. I feel guilty because I know she doesn’t have many friends. But on the other hand I really don’t like being attacked at my house.

I don’t know, I have sooo many confusing feelings about this. I am glad I posted though because I am getting alot of good thoughts.

Thanks for listening. Somehow it feels kind of nice to voice this stuff I’ve been keeping inside. Especially since this is anonymous.

 

[St_Gabriel]

Hi Coreopisis

I think it best if you try to distance yourself from her and her family. Be truthful to her so that you don’t have to make up any more excuses. She may eventually soften because of this. If you continue to remain in contact with her without being truthful, then it’s going to be a rough ride. So make sure that you have some protection. I highly recommend the St. Benedict medal/cross and also recite the St. Michaels Prayer prior to meeting her. Pray for her and her son. I will pray for you.

 

[Coreopisis]

Hi Coreopisis

I think it best if you try to distance yourself from her and her family. Be truthful to her so that you don’t have to make up any more excuses.

By being truthful do you mean that I should tell her that almost everything she stands for goes against the core of my very being, my morals and values? And should I tell her that when she comes around my son and I get attacked spiritually for 2 days afterward for reasons I can’t begin to understand and so I would just prefer to keep her out of my life?

 

[blessedstar]

By being truthful do you mean that I should tell her that almost everything she stands for goes against the core of my very being, my morals and values? And should I tell her that when she comes around my son and I get attacked spiritually for 2 days afterward for reasons I can’t begin to understand and so I would just prefer to keep her out of my life?

The most honest truth about the matter is harsh and part of it is also unbelievable.

I am not so sure absolute honesty is good in this situation. What do you think?

No I wouldn’t say those things to your friend.

Before you do or say anythng I’d look at this realistically. No friendship on earth goes smoothly, to be blunt at some point everyone gets up each other’s nose, but a true friendship is tried by events, time and committment.

Your friend doesn’t act like this because everything is peachy in her, she acts like that because inside of herself she is not at peace, so wherever she goes she takes this lack of peace with her. Now having peace, the peace of Jesus does not mean that everything in life is wonderful and we go about floating on a spiritual cloud and never come up against any trouble either in faith or in the secular world, this peace means we go out into the world and retain the inner sanctum of peace even though we can grow distressed about things in life, that distress does not lose our peace in Jesus. That being said, it does not mean your friend is some kind of bogus spiritual jinx Your friend is not residing in peace inside herself and when you are around her it is also tipping your peace inside yourself because you are allowing it to. These emotions in you arise out of how you think she ought to be ratehr than accepting her as she is.

Your friend needs you, she sees in you certain qualities she likes and admires and she does need you very much, more than you realise. She is one of the poor and you are immensely rich spiritually, she needs you and she needs your kindness which comes from Jesus.

My advice to you is to pray each time before you speak to her and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you.

We can’t get on with everyone all the time, that is unrealistic. Admittedly some people are easier to be around than others, but how will we grow as people if we never have to contend with our opposites.

Be very kind to your friend and to yourself and look for positive things in your friend and concentrate on those for now.

In the Living Prayer of my life

 

[mpb74]

Sarah, I think it is wonderful that you have tolerated her for her son’s sake. That is walking the walk. You can only do so much.There is a time where you must come to a decision that she is a burden of her own making, and there is no help you can offer. I am quite familiar with raising children when you have had a rough childhood, I am living it. Your son comes first, absolutely and unconditionally. His welfare may be on the line. If you think it may be your decision is made.

If she makes the indoctinated catholic statement, simply tell her you are happy and content through your faith and spiritual practices. She seems to be chasing a happiness that is elusive and unattainable in the manner she searches. I would not mention spiritual entiities of an evil nature as that may just cause her to close the door that keeps her in ignorance even tighter.

We must be charitable people, but we can only give so much. If we spend too much time trying to teach a man to fish, and he refuses to learn, we are wasting the opportunity to teach those who want to learn. There are many open to learning but are starving to death because their is no one to teach them.

IMO you putting yourself and your son in the presence of evil. While you are armed with your faith, you are surrounded by the enemy who may attack from behind while you are looking ahead, or when you are tired or weak.

You have friends on this board and you have a spiritual community of believers at your church. You have a local priest that can hopefully guide you and strengthen your resolve. The devil likes to gets us alone. When he gets us down on ourselves and alone with our thoughts we become easy picking for his snares and temptations. I believe You know what you need to do, it is just hard for you to be hard and cold to another human being. That may be both a blessing and a curse for you. This is only my opinion based on limited info. I in know way am inferring anything negative about you. On the contrary, I think you are a kind caring person and this woman is taking advantage of that nature. Good luck and God bless you on this dilemna. Dan

 

[CB_Catholic]

Sarah,
I’ve been reading all your posts, and to put it quite bluntly, this doesn’t sound like a friendship at all.
I have been in the hospital for depression myself, and having undergone counseling for it, I have learned that some people are “toxic” to my emotional, spiritual, and mental health. Negativity feeds off of negativity. I need to avoid certain people. They aren’t going to change despite my best efforts to convince them otherwise, and the best that can be done is to “shake the dust” off my shoes and move on.
A friend of mine said this: “Christians are supposed to put out the welcome mat, but they aren’t supposed to be the doormat.” I don’t know where she got that, but is true. We should not think it is unChristian to have as little to do as possible with people that are harming us spiritually and emotionally, and that are making doormats out of us. They sometimes need to be left to their own devices in order to get them out of their destructive behavior, just like God allows us to suffer the consequences of our own sinfulness in order to bring us out of it. I hope I am making sense here. God bless.

 

[LISA_Annette]

Sarah,
I’ve been reading all your posts, and to put it quite bluntly, this doesn’t sound like a friendship at all.
I have been in the hospital for depression myself, and having undergone counseling for it, I have learned that some people are “toxic” to my emotional, spiritual, and mental health. Negativity feeds off of negativity. I need to avoid certain people. They aren’t going to change despite my best efforts to convince them otherwise, and the best that can be done is to “shake the dust” off my shoes and move on.
A friend of mine said this: “Christians are supposed to put out the welcome mat, but they aren’t supposed to be the doormat.” I don’t know where she got that, but is true. We should not think it is unChristian to have as little to do as possible with people that are harming us spiritually and emotionally, and that are making doormats out of us. They sometimes need to be left to their own devices in order to get them out of their destructive behavior, just like God allows us to suffer the consequences of our own sinfulness in order to bring us out of it. I hope I am making sense here. God bless.

This is a good post. You know, I have read every thing too, and though I gave some advice based on how the friend might feel, I never considered your feelings Sarah—I am very sorry. I too have suffered depression, and sometimes people take advantage of my willingness to listen to them or put up with more than I can handle (the guilt trip). Being a good Christian applies to ourselves too. You have to take care of your own mental health and if someone is hurting you in any way (not respecting your time, space, feelings, beliefs), that is a warning sign. But only you can know how you feel, or what you can handle. Only you know ultimately whether you deal with her, or if you want to deal with her. It is okay to not want someone as a freind—it does not make you a “bad” person.

I am sorry if i am sounding wishy washy from my first post–I am sorry if my advice was harsh on you, and Cb Catholic—I hope you are doing well . Thank you (CB Catholic) for the perspective.

 

[Coreopisis]

Wow I had no idea how great it was to ask you all what you thought when I posted this question. I almost cried when one poster mentioned that I had friends on this forum. I guess I didn’t think of it that way but you’re right. Everyone looks out for eachother.

My problem I think is that I agree with every single one of you on a deep profound level. I am able to see/ feel all sides and so I can’t make a decision.

A little about me…

• I do suffer from depression.
• I am extremely empathetic. For example: As I told another poster privately once, when I was very young, maybe 6 I asked my mom who that guy on the cross was and what he was doing. She explained that it was Jesus and that we nailed him to it and that he let it happen for our sins. I cried for a good 3 days and I would take him off the wall and lay him down so he wouldn’t have to hang from those old nails because it must hurt. I kept asking my mom how and why we could be so mean. My mom didn’t know if she should’ve told me because it was so upsetting. I wanted to tell Jesus sorry. I didn’t want to be a human because I wanted no part of that horrible act and I would tell him sorry over and over again.
• I feel very strongly and emotionally about children. (I don’t feel our society believes they are people even after they are born.)

I hurt for other people very deeply. I can’t even watch the news sometimes because it hurts me. I would rather hurt than know other people are hurting because the idea that someone is suffering destroys me.

Luckily I’ve got Catholicism and I can offer my suffering up for others which helps because the idea of purgatory is very sad and hard for me.

Now apply this to my friend. I know she is suffering because she has hardly any friends and that can’t be fun. So I want to be her friend so that she can feel better. Yet when I help her this way, as I have helped others I feel irritated and I can’t seem to find my empathy wiht her.

I’m a mess.

 

[blessedstar]

Luckily I’ve got Catholicism and I can offer my suffering up for others which helps because the idea of purgatory is very sad and hard for me.

Now apply this to my friend. I know she is suffering because she has hardly any friends and that can’t be fun. So I want to be her friend so that she can feel better. Yet when I help her this way, as I have helped others I feel irritated and I can’t seem to find my empathy wiht her.

I’m a mess.

I’ve edited your wonderful and moving post in my reply so I have enough letter count to post back, sorry about that.

You, are a beautiful person. I was so touched when I read this post. You are living a daily little bloodless martyrdom with Jesus and personally I am very proud to know of you on these forums.

You can try and be all things to all people, but some people simply aren’t receptive.

I can’t tell you what to do, people can only lay the possibilities, options and opinions before you, but I will say that charity begins at home.

Yes you do have friends on this forum and I hope you count me amongst one of them.

Look after yourself, if you cannot be kind to yourself, how can you be of any use to anyone else, especially you family?

So few love Jesus upon the Cross and even want to remove the Cross from society that your immense love of Him upon the Cross is inspiring and edifying to see. Jesus must love you greatly.

In the Living Prayer of my life