Frustrated with online dating

[Paddy1989]

Would you not be open to a good secular man? I have kind of given up of the whole Catholic women thing and open to the idea of a good secular woman who i have that connection with. So far none of them have been the right one but i’m still optimistic

 

[lssanjose]

Would you not be open to a good secular man? I have kind of given up of the whole Catholic women thing and open to the idea of a good secular woman who i have that connection with. So far none of them have been the right one but i’m still optimistic

I tried this. The problem, I think - at least from my perspective/experience - there was a lack of real compromise. I had to make sure not to really impose my faith on her, and vice versa. Well, in my ex’s case she was raised buddhist, borderline atheist. But, she did try to get me onto The Secret. Also, she often raised a stink how she wouldn’t be able to handle going to mass with me. Even worse, she wouldn’t even let me share my faith. I’m not the fire and brimstone type, so I tried to be as delicate, and caring as I could have been with my words, at the time.

I think as bygones are allowed to be bygones, dating a secular individual shouldn’t be too much of a problem, until things get more serious and child rearing becomes an issue (like my ex used to bring up).

 

[ShanaA1984]

Would you not be open to a good secular man? I have kind of given up of the whole Catholic women thing and open to the idea of a good secular woman who i have that connection with. So far none of them have been the right one but i’m still optimistic

Few are open to this, but I am open to good secular man since a good catholic man has failed to present himself. But antoher catholic would be ideal. One of the big problems with going for someone secular is that they may not always be on board with your values.

 

[Crescentinus]

Would you not be open to a good secular man? I have kind of given up of the whole Catholic women thing and open to the idea of a good secular woman who i have that connection with. So far none of them have been the right one but i’m still optimistic

Tried the secular path, and it failed on me big time.

 

[johndoe100]

This thread has wandered far and wide. The OP is a young Mexican gal who should be living at home until she is married. ( that’s Mexican Culture ) I live in California where the Mexican population is almost the majority, so I know the Mexicans. They are hard working family people, and they raise their women to please a man. If the OP is having a hard time dating, then it’s most likely because she ran amuck with her own culture. For the OP to try any of the modern feminist stuff posted just wouldn’t fit. (in my opinion)

 

[underacloud]

This thread has wandered far and wide. The OP is a young Mexican gal who should be living at home until she is married. ( that’s Mexican Culture ) I live in California where the Mexican population is almost the majority, so I know the Mexicans. They are hard working family people, and they raise their women to please a man. If the OP is having a hard time dating, then it’s most likely because she ran amuck with her own culture. For the OP to try any of the modern feminist stuff posted just wouldn’t fit. (in my opinion)

I see…so it’s essentially Mely2020’s own fault. She ought to give up her career, move back home with mum and dad, and wait for a good Mexican man to come along so she can fulfil her destiny of pleasing her man. She should give up these extreme feminist ideas, such as women gaining an education. Very dangerous…we certainly can’t have women thinking, having a career, or exploring lifestyles outside of their own cultural set.

I think almost everyone in this thread considers this advice/opinion to be absurd…I just hope Mely2020 sees it that way too.

 

[nickybr38]

Mely, please ignore JohnDoe. His advice is absurd.

Don’t go the secular route. I think many of us have gone that way. It’s not wise and quite frankly I don’t think it’s right. I think there ARE exceptions but for the most part it’s a path of hardship and pain. I certainly doubt it’s God’s preference for you or any of His children.

 

[adrift]

I see your frustration in my sons. They don’t find dates on line but one has given up of ever finding someone he can marry. He is 27 and feel he will be a bachelor. another son is 30 and still looks but the prospects are bleak. They both would like to date good Catholic girls. They are hard to find.

Pure love not extinct but hard to find. The looking is worth it though.

 

[boomerang]

I see your frustration in my sons. They don’t find dates on line but one has given up of ever finding someone he can marry. He is 27 and feel he will be a bachelor. another son is 30 and still looks but the prospects are bleak. They both would like to date good Catholic girls. They are hard to find.

Pure love not extinct but hard to find. The looking is worth it though.

Holy Cow! Why don’t you fix your sons up with Mely2020? Might be a match made in heaven! You’re in the Rockies, she’s in Northern Cal, that’s not too far! Just sayin’!

 

[SeekNFind]

I can see why online dating can be frustrating but God can work through such channels. I’m only a member of one online site and seeing that caliber of men actually restored my faith that there are chaste, devout, chivalrous men out there! I have no idea if this website is how God intends to introduce me to my future spouse but it’s worth a try. I’m not super active on there but I trust that if God wants to direct a man to my profile, then He can do it. I was on CM for a few weeks then deleted my profile. It felt too much like more secular online dating websites.

 

[SeekNFind]

I feel bad for you! I know romance is just about dead. I thank God every day for my husband. Have you thought about praying for a mate? I did, and oh, boy - God heard me. God is good. I was 30 years old and had resigned myself to being alone. Every man I had met was just unsuitable. No connection. So one day, I prayed. I got down on my face on the floor, humbled myself and poured my heart out to the Lord about how lonely I was. I implored God to find me a mate, someone I could be “crazy about”. Someone I’m “compatible with”. That’s exactly what I prayed. Three months later, I met my future husband in my little sandwich shop I owned. He had just moved into town and was looking for some decent food. The next day he came back in and asked me out. Two weeks later, he confessed to me that the day we met, he went home that night and had a vivid dream. In the dream, he was standing alone in a room when he heard a voice boom out, “YOU HAVE JUST MET YOUR WIFE!” He woke up feeling very happy and warm and knew he had to return to my sandwich shop and ask me out. We have been together for a little over 20 years, and are very compatible, just as I had prayed for. And he’s Catholic, and led me back to the faith of my childhood. Pray! Pray! And praise God!

Great story!

 

[SeekNFind]

Mely,

Some friendly advice from someone who met his wonderful wife on Catholic Match:

1. Search for only 7 out of 7. Lukewarm Catholics were not an option for me. This will allow you to eliminate the pretenders.
2. Pray a Novena to St. Raphael … He helped Tobias a bit in the Old Testament!! We both prayed the novena at the same time before meeting on Catholic Match. Our marriage is handiwork of our Lord!
3. Pray for a husband through the intercession of St. Marguerite of Quebec, patron Saint of match-makers
4. Pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible for your vocation.
5. Pray for your future spouse every day. I know of a girl who has been praying for her future husband since age 10. She is now 26! What a holy man he will be.

I found Catholic Match to be very helpful. My wife wrote me an e-mail very early that was pretty direct saying that if I am untruthful in any way, she was the wrong girl to mess with. I am so happy she did this. I needed to know the same from her.

I hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any other questions about Catholic Match or online dating in general. God definitely can work miracles on these sites if you believe one is possible!

In Christ,

JD

Praying for your future spouse is the most loving thing you can do. And it shows an incredible faith in God. I have done this off and on for years, but it wasn’t until God hit me on the head with some books about dating/waiting that I started doing this DAILY. There is so much evil out there in the world. Just the thought of connecting with this man (whoever he is) on a spiritual level before we even meet gives me the chills. . .I hope he’s praying for me too. Also, ask God what you should pray for your spouse. It may sound crayz but I have been directed to pray very specific things for this man. I guess I’ll never know until I meet him if he was struggling with those areas when I prayed for them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’d qualify this a little more heavily but it’s basically sound advice. No man likes an aggressive or domineering woman. Well, some do, but you don’t want to marry those guys (i.e., cause they’re wimps). We do, on the other hand, like naive ingenues. No idea why, we just do. Ask any guy. World-weariness and cynicism aren’t attractive features in women, unless you’re a leftist (for some reason they can’t get enough of it)

Ok, some nutty advice is being given here. Never, ever listen to someone who tries to tell you what men like, or what women like for that matter. Usually people who do that are just projecting their preferences on to everyone. Everyone is different and likes different things. Period. And don’t ever be someone you’re not. If you do one of two things will happen. Either you’ll eventually start to feel very angry and resentful about the whole charade, or your true self will start to show through and he’ll be angry and resentful about a bait and switch.

If you come across as a “wised up woman” who functions independently, then go with that and find someone who loves you for it. (And plenty of men will.). Don’t ever dumb yourself down and play naive. If you’re a smart, educated, independent woman with knowledge and insight, share that. And find a man strong enough and secure enough to match wits with you.

A lot of men admire and want feisty women who can hold their own. And no, it’s not just “leftists”. Trust me on this, I’m cynical, outspoken, and not afraid to win an argument, and I frequently get attention from very religious, conservative men. They like that someone is willing to challenge them. I always turn them down though, because a relationship between an atheist and a devout Christian leads to problems that I’m not prepared to handle. (And I’m engaged to my best friend.)

Whether your independent or not, docile or outspoken, strong or needy, the most important things to show are your kindness, generosity, and passion for life. Those are the things that attract everyone.

And although I didn’t know how to quote both, this post is in response to JohnDoe as much as it is to sw85.

 

[nickybr38]

Ok, some nutty advice is being given here. Never, ever listen to someone who tries to tell you what men like, or what women like for that matter. Usually people who do that are just projecting their preferences on to everyone. Everyone is different and likes different things. Period. And don’t ever be someone you’re not. If you do one of two things will happen. Either you’ll eventually start to feel very angry and resentful about the whole charade, or your true self will start to show through and he’ll be angry and resentful about a bait and switch.

If you come across as a “wised up woman” who functions independently, then go with that and find someone who loves you for it. (And plenty of men will.). Don’t ever dumb yourself down and play naive. If you’re a smart, educated, independent woman with knowledge and insight, share that. And find a man strong enough and secure enough to match wits with you.

A lot of men admire and want feisty women who can hold their own. And no, it’s not just “leftists”. Trust me on this, I’m cynical, outspoken, and not afraid to win an argument, and I frequently get attention from very religious, conservative men. They like that someone is willing to challenge them. I always turn them down though, because a relationship between an atheist and a devout Christian leads to problems that I’m not prepared to handle. (And I’m engaged to my best friend.)

Whether your independent or not, docile or outspoken, strong or needy, the most important things to show are your kindness, generosity, and passion for life. Those are the things that attract everyone.

And although I didn’t know how to quote both, this post is in response to JohnDoe as much as it is to sw85.

You know… you and I don’t normally have the same opinion on things but in this thread all I have to say is: , to pretty much everything you’ve said.

When I was younger I was the meek and mild girl and honestly I was constantly being told I had to be more independent, more strong willed to find a guy. And now that I’m the opposite I’m constantly being told I have to be more meek and mild…

Well you know what? You just have to be yourself. Do NOT conform to fit any persons’ preference. Just be you. God gave you the personality you have, you may as well embrace it and do not settle for any man who would ask you to change who you are.

 

[sw85]

Ok, some nutty advice is being given here. Never, ever listen to someone who tries to tell you what men like, or what women like for that matter. Usually people who do that are just projecting their preferences on to everyone. Everyone is different and likes different things. Period. And don’t ever be someone you’re not. If you do one of two things will happen. Either you’ll eventually start to feel very angry and resentful about the whole charade, or your true self will start to show through and he’ll be angry and resentful about a bait and switch.

If you come across as a “wised up woman” who functions independently, then go with that and find someone who loves you for it. (And plenty of men will.). Don’t ever dumb yourself down and play naive. If you’re a smart, educated, independent woman with knowledge and insight, share that. And find a man strong enough and secure enough to match wits with you.

OK, let me qualify my earlier statement a little more heavily then.

I have never, ever in my entire life met a single man who enjoyed dating aggressive, domineering women. Or enjoyed their company. Or enjoyed even being related to them. etc. I have seen men play characters on TV to this effect (all were wimps) but I have yet to encounter such a person in real life. For that matter, I don’t know many aggressive, domineering women. The ones I do know I have always found vaguely alarming and unpleasant to be around (even back in my atheist/agnostic/deist days). The men who did date them did so primarily for sex and didn’t seem to stick around.

I don’t deny such men exist. I just haven’t ever encountered them.

This doesn’t mean “play dumb.” Actually I find dumb women unattractive, but that’s because I’m third-sigma. It does mean “let him lead.” This is more important for Catholic men than it is for non-Catholics. It also means “don’t nag.” And “don’t be pushy.” And all the other things that people generally don’t like. Again, this is the sound advice to be extracted from johndoe’s post, which I’ve said before is irrelevant – I don’t mely is doing anything wrong except perhaps not looking in the right places, so johndoe’s unsolicited advice isn’t going to help matters.

 

[Paddy1989]

As a response to those who quoted me in the last page i do understand where you are coming from in that going with a secularist could cause problem’s but not in all cases. Also when i’m talking about secularist’s i also mean someone who was born Catholic but not a practicing one, they may understand and even accept some of your values especially on child upbringing etc therefore it could work. Practicing Catholic’s especially younger are VERY rare these day’s. To simply say that you will only go with a practicing Catholic severely hinder’s your chances of finding someone and end up being lonely. We will end up ironically being some of the most vocal people who defend the sanctity of marriage and yet ironically the most lonesome. If i followed this advice i would never have went with any women in my life as they were ALL secularist’s, there are some good women out there, yes they are as rare as the good men but they do exist. To the OP, i do hope and i’m sure you will find the right lad, keep praying and don’t give up looking

 

[nickybr38]

As a response to those who quoted me in the last page i do understand where you are coming from in that going with a secularist could cause problem’s but not in all cases. Also when i’m talking about secularist’s i also mean someone who was born Catholic but not a practicing one, they may understand and even accept some of your values especially on child upbringing etc therefore it could work. Practicing Catholic’s especially younger are VERY rare these day’s. To simply say that you will only go with a practicing Catholic severely hinder’s your chances of finding someone and end up being lonely. We will end up ironically being some of the most vocal people who defend the sanctity of marriage and yet ironically the most lonesome. If i followed this advice i would never have went with any women in my life as they were ALL secularist’s, there are some good women out there, yes they are as rare as the good men but they do exist. To the OP, i do hope and i’m sure you will find the right lad, keep praying and don’t give up looking

Paddy, I don’t want to look down on you or your choices but when I read this all I could think was: Where is the trust in God?

It sounds like you’ve decided to take things into your own hands rather then trust God to lead your life.

People try to convince me to loosen up my standards and consider someone outside my faith ALL THE TIME but I very firmly believe such unions weaken the Church rather then strengthen it. Children raised in such homes will only very rarely become strong Catholics themselves. How does that help the faith?

I will not compromise out of fear of being alone. I would rather be alone and strong in my faith, then married and have my faith challenged continually by a spouse who sneers at my faith.

 

[mely2020]

Thank you everyone for your insights. Let me share you some of my dates from CM: One guy told me that I’m way too conservative. Another proclaimed to be “Catholic”. we went to a sports bar to watch a football game, he drank a lot, and was shouting in front of everyone that he does not believe in Jesus is God, and Catholic religion was bad ect. I never met someone so anti-Catholic from a Catholic website. Another in the beginning was “I’m good Catholic” but later wanted me to send him inappropriate pictures, this guy was sick. The good Catholic men that I went for dates never called me back.
I’m new to the dating scene so I don’t know what to expect. I was in a relationship with a good Catholic guy from 18-25. He wanted to get married, but I felt he was not the one, I had no emotional connection with him. The reason why I stood so long with him was because I just settle with him.
I was in my church’s young adult group, but I stop going because the girl’s were gossiping behind my back (I was 26, this girls were 15-20 year-olds) and posting stuff in their Facebook status things about me indirectly. But I liked it because it kept me busy. I was in the church play’s, help design flyers and posters for events, I would go out with the group to eat dinners, we would go to the park, hike. I would visit the elderly with some of them. But I stop because 1) I feel I’m to old 2) I did not had things in common with them, all of them are Mexican who are immigrants. Plus in my culture, by my age most of them are married with kids. All of my sisters and cousins have kids and are married.
I have been suffering from anxiety for several years now. I’m afraid I will not find the guy for me. I was thinking of enrolling for graduate school for my MFA, I’m very passionate of what I do and I want to keep learning and expanding my skills. But at the same time, I’m afraid of the loans.
I sometimes stop praying because I lose hope easily. But I want to start a prayer life like I used to. I grew up with a lot of prayer and faith in God. I was bullied and made fun of in elementary, middle school, and even in high school. I was a lonely girl, did not had many friends (I still don’t). But I had an inner freedom. I felt God’s presence in those years strongly, I was super sensible to Him. At age 18 I fell in depression. I went to a liberal art college in San Francisco with very liberal professors (mostly were gay) and were pushing down our throats their lifestyle. I felt alone, trapped in this school. I started to fall off my faith, but I kept been obedient to God. During my college years. I never drank or went to parties. My priority was getting good grades and hopefully to find a good job.
But I see how the world seduces and takes the faith away.
But I want to go back and pray. God is the only one that can help me find a good faithful Catholic guy to form a good Catholic family.

 

[mely2020]

Paddy, I don’t want to look down on you or your choices but when I read this all I could think was: Where is the trust in God?

It sounds like you’ve decided to take things into your own hands rather then trust God to lead your life.

People try to convince me to loosen up my standards and consider someone outside my faith ALL THE TIME but I very firmly believe such unions weaken the Church rather then strengthen it. Children raised in such homes will only very rarely become strong Catholics themselves. How does that help the faith?

I will not compromise out of fear of being alone. I would rather be alone and strong in my faith, then married and have my faith challenged continually by a spouse who sneers at my faith.

I agree with you in this one. I have been in dates with secular men. And most of them are very selfish and they want sex to be part of the package. I tell them I’m Catholic and they stop talking to me because they know I won’t give them the whole package. Sometimes is tempting to compromise, because I’m afraid to end up alone. But I want a family where faith is important, just the way how I was raised.

 

[Paddy1989]

Paddy, I don’t want to look down on you or your choices but when I read this all I could think was: Where is the trust in God?

It sounds like you’ve decided to take things into your own hands rather then trust God to lead your life.

People try to convince me to loosen up my standards and consider someone outside my faith ALL THE TIME but I very firmly believe such unions weaken the Church rather then strengthen it. Children raised in such homes will only very rarely become strong Catholics themselves. How does that help the faith?

I will not compromise out of fear of being alone. I would rather be alone and strong in my faith, then married and have my faith challenged continually by a spouse who sneers at my faith.

I do admit i’m not one of those people who think’s that simply praying is enough to guarantee such a thing based on the fact that people who achieve what they want in a career, finding partner etc do so by pursuing it. At most i believe that God point’s us in the right direction but who’s to say what direction that is, who’s to say that she could not find a Good Secularist man who respect’s her faith and even agree’s on some issue’s and who she is mad about and compatible with. This would cancel out your last paragraph on someone who disrespect and sneer’s at your faith.

I’m just trying to be realistic and open to it that’s all, that it’s possible she could meet such a person. If there is social area’s or groups where there are young Catholic men then by all mean’s pursue this and see how it turn’s out but if you have literally nowhere like this and are pretty much isolated when it come’s to the faith then you may have no choice but to be open to this