Frustrated with the baby questions

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Iheartcoffee

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I have a friend with children, who seems to think it is perfectly fine to keep asking when my husband and I are going to have children. I wish people would realize there are serious reasons for using NFP and avoiding pregnancy at this time that are frankly none of anyone else’s business. They don’t realize how much it hurts my feelings when they keep asking because sometimes the people that don’t have kids yet are the ones that want to have them the most.

I tend to respond with vague answers, like, “We will have them when God decides we should.” I feel like being any more blunt will cause me to have to say more than I want to say about our reasons for avoiding pregnancy right now, yet, until I am blunt I think I will keep getting the same nosy questions.

I just want to put it out there that asking a couple when they will have kids is right up there on the rude-ness scale with asking a couple if they are going to stop having kids. At the WEDDING RECEPTION we seriously had people ask when we were going to have kids. So rude! I fought the urge to be a smart mouth and tell them that now that we have been married for about 45 minutes we already conceived on the way to the reception site…

I get the idea that people are curious. The ones that know we use NFP seem to be either shocked that it works so well or curious if we switched to birth control since we don’t have any kids.

I think a lot of people think it is an innocent question to ask a couple when they are having kids, but it can be a really painful question. Maybe this is just a rant, but I wanted to put it out there…
 
I have never understood how people can discuss these things with you thinking its normal. Sorry that you have been treated in this way. I wonder do they remember that Our Lady’s family, St. Elizabeth’s family and indeed Abraham and Sarah were questioned in this way too. God sends children - it is not we that ‘decide’ to ‘make’ them.
 
How are they to know that you have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy right now if you don’t tell them?

Be upfront as possible without going to far in depth. Hang in there. Don’t focus too much on what they are doing to “you.” Then it becomes centered around how “you” feel about them and how they are affecting “you.” It could lead to a very selfish view of the world.

These questions are indeed innocent as you kind of allude to above. I think that you are inserting your own meaning into their words. They don’t know it hurts your feelings nor do they even mean to be rude to you. That is how you are taking it. Easy fix.
 
Just look at them and ask “Why would you want to know such a personal thing?” They won’t ask again.
 
SonSearcher said:
How are they to know that you have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy right now if you don’t tell them?
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They don’t need or deserve to know even this. Why should any couple have to explain to anyone else that they are avoiding? It’s no one’s business.

OP, I know exactly what you mean. I’m tired of it too. I think you put it very well when you said “sometimes the people that don’t have kids yet are the ones that want to have them the most”. How true this is, whether it’s because of infertility or a need to avoid. I had people ask me at my bridal shower, in front of a lot of women, some of whom I barely even knew. There is no one who wants me to be pregnant right now more than I do myself, and it gets tiresome to have to come up with polite ways to ask people to mind their own business.
 
Lorelei12 said:
They don’t need or deserve to know even this. Why should any couple have to explain to anyone else that they are avoiding? It’s no one’s business.

OP, I know exactly what you mean. I’m tired of it too. I think you put it very well when you said “sometimes the people that don’t have kids yet are the ones that want to have them the most”. How true this is, whether it’s because of infertility or a need to avoid. I had people ask me at my bridal shower, in front of a lot of women, some of whom I barely even knew. There is no one who wants me to be pregnant right now more than I do myself, and it gets tiresome to have to come up with polite ways to ask people to mind their own business.
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But that is my point.
I completely agree.

The OP says that they won’t leave her alone about it… but she hasn’t told them that something is wrong and what is wrong is why they practice NFP. If these people don’t know what is wrong how can we assume they are being rude? We can’t. They are ignorant to the fact of the seriousness of avoiding pregnancy… in this case we cannot hold them accountable for asking an innocent question.

So my advice to the OP was to be as blunt as possible without divulging too much personal info.
 
I think it would be cool if you let them know you’re a Catholic that doesn’t reject the Catholic Church’s teaching on contraception. It might help others to rethink their position on it.
 
SonSearcher said:
The OP says that they won’t leave her alone about it… but she hasn’t told them that something is wrong and what is wrong is why they practice NFP. If these people don’t know what is wrong how can we assume they are being rude? We can’t. They are ignorant to the fact of the seriousness of avoiding pregnancy… in this case we cannot hold them accountable for asking an innocent question.
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But she doesn’t need to tell them that “something is wrong”, or that they practice NFP. They could also be neither trying nor avoiding, or trying and unable to conceive. Not one of these situations is anyone else’s business. It is rude to ask other people personal questions that are none of your business. It’s not an “innocent question”, it is inappropriate and people who ask such questions should be more mindful of what they are actually asking (ie, about someone else’s sex life) and also sensitive to the fact that it can be hurtful to people who would like to be pregnant.
 
These people are not being rude or intrusive, they just don’t know your situation. The normal next step for a couple who is married is to have children. Even at your reception, part of being happy about your marriage is being happy about the children to come. It’s a package deal – or should be. If there are circumstances that prevent that from happening, it’s not anyone’s fault, if they don’t know about it.

Now, I don’t mean you have to share all with everyone. Your serious reasons are not anyone else’s business. But to impute rudeness or insensitivily to someone that you haven’t given information to isn’t a reasonable position. When faced with such a comment, you will just need to decide if you want to share more information or if you want to just smile and appreciate their interest.

Of course, you can take a third path and get offended by people who don’t mean to offend you but then no one will be happy.
 
Iheartcoffee said:
I have a friend with children, who seems to think it is perfectly fine to keep asking when my husband and I are going to have children. I wish people would realize there are serious reasons for using NFP and avoiding pregnancy at this time that are frankly none of anyone else’s business. They don’t realize how much it hurts my feelings when they keep asking because sometimes the people that don’t have kids yet are the ones that want to have them the most.

I tend to respond with vague answers, like, “We will have them when God decides we should.” I feel like being any more blunt will cause me to have to say more than I want to say about our reasons for avoiding pregnancy right now, yet, until I am blunt I think I will keep getting the same nosy questions.

I just want to put it out there that asking a couple when they will have kids is right up there on the rude-ness scale with asking a couple if they are going to stop having kids. At the WEDDING RECEPTION we seriously had people ask when we were going to have kids. So rude! I fought the urge to be a smart mouth and tell them that now that we have been married for about 45 minutes we already conceived on the way to the reception site…

I get the idea that people are curious. The ones that know we use NFP seem to be either shocked that it works so well or curious if we switched to birth control since we don’t have any kids.

I think a lot of people think it is an innocent question to ask a couple when they are having kids, but it can be a really painful question. Maybe this is just a rant, but I wanted to put it out there…
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We were married 7 years before we had the first one, when we finally bought our house. That NFP works better than birth control.
 
Iheartcoffee said:
I tend to respond with vague answers, like, “We will have them when God decides we should.”
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I am like you in the sense when someone asks me a question I find too personal and it hurts my feelings, I tend to be vague as well. Sadly, when you are vague, people don’t realize they hurt you. Sometimes they think y ou didn’t hear them.

I don’t like to be pushed to the point of being blunt and letting too much out either. However, I have learnt, unless you tell them directly ‘I really don’t want you asking those questions’, they likely won’t stop. Will they respect you? If they are true friends. If they start in with the ‘why can’t I ask’ repeat once ‘I said I no longer want these questions’. If they persist, they aren’t friends worth having

Angie
 
Since sex and procreation are so far separated now, people don’t seem to realize they are asking about your sex life. :eek:

I agree with the poster who said to reply with something like, “That’s an awfully personal question, don’t you think?” It’s not rude (IMO), it puts the ball back in their court, and makes them think about what they are asking.

I don’t believe most people mean to be hurtful; they just don’t think things through.
 
Oddly enough, I have never found that question offensive.
We have one child, and I get asked fairly regularly when we’re thinking of expanding our family. Hubby and I have decided not for a couple years yet, and I just simply say that.
I’ve never felt that someone was asking with the intent of being rude.
Just my two cents.
Petitefoi
 
KCT said:
Since sex and procreation are so far separated now, people don’t seem to realize they are asking about your sex life. :eek:

.
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Another way to look at it is that since marriage and children are so far separated now, people seem to take offense when friends try to make the connection. 🙂
 
I wonder how many people asked Our Lady and St. Joseph when they were going to have another child - and gossiped about it with their friends.
“We will have them when God decides we should.”
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That is a good and sufficient answer. That’s all anyone needs to know about your private life.

For those of you who think this is not a rude question, you are incorrect. It is a question about something that is none of your business. That makes it rude. It is a painful question for some. That makes it unkind.

If you consider yourself a polite person, and a kind person, please stop asking!
 
Ruthie_again said:
I wonder how many people asked Our Lady and St. Joseph when they were going to have another child - and gossiped about it with their friends.

That is a good and sufficient answer. That’s all anyone needs to know about your private life.

For those of you who think this is not a rude question, you are incorrect. It is a question about something that is none of your business. That makes it rude. It is a painful question for some. That makes it unkind.

If you consider yourself a polite person, and a kind person, please stop asking!
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I have to disagree. Being rude is highly subjective and relative to each situation and each individual. I bet you there are plenty of people who think not answering a question about your plans for procreation and saying something like “thats none of your business” is rude.

With that said I completely agree the following is sufficient “We will have them when God decides we should.”
 
SonSearcher said:
How are they to know that you have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy right now if you don’t tell them?
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It’s absolutely none of their business. She doesn’t owe anyone any explanation, neither does she need to tell anyone anything. This issue is strictly between her, her husband, and God.
 
PetiteFoi said:
Oddly enough, I have never found that question offensive.
We have one child, and I get asked fairly regularly when we’re thinking of expanding our family. Hubby and I have decided not for a couple years yet, and I just simply say that.
I’ve never felt that someone was asking with the intent of being rude.
Just my two cents.
Petitefoi
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I feel the same way. Friends ask when I plan on having kids, and I know they don’t mean to be rude, they’re just curious and excited for me.

The only people who have ever actually been judgmental and given me a hard time about not having kids yet are the people here on CAF… the people who know me, my husband, and our situation the LEAST. Go figure.

(I’ve actually had people on here argue with me concerning my financial situation and my lack of health insurance, and tell me those reasons are not good enough to avoid. I kid you not.)

Also, there are a lot of people here who think it’s wrong to get married unless you intend on having a kid right away. They’ll argue that using NFP to avoid is always wrong until you have your first child. And if you need to avoid during your honeymoon or during the first couple months of your marriage, you shouldn’t’ have gotten married at all. Of course, that’s their own fabrication, but they claim it as Church teaching even though it isn’t.
 
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