Frustrated With Wife and Overall Situation

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HopefulShepherd

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I hate to come here and vent, but you guys are always so helpful at getting me to see things from another perspective. The quick background is my wife is a stay at home mom, she lost her job when around 3 1/2 years ago. We have a two-year-old child at home and are soon to be having another.

Financially we are drowning right now. I am literally working three jobs, at about 75-80 hours per week. I am a teacher, which for those of you who know, it is mentally exhausting on its own. I am beyond exhausted, stressed, and just beaten down. Although she is about two months pregnant, my wife has been saying she is going to get a job, but does nothing more than say she is going to. I try to be as supportive as possible, but lately I’ve been pushing it a bit more.

I feel like a jerk trying to get my pregnant wife to work, but I can’t keep this pace up. There are several days throughout the week where I work around 17 hours, and don’t get to see my son for more than 10 minutes in the morning before I leave (if I’m lucky and he’s awake).

I know I’ve been short tempered with her lately, and I continue to pray for more patience and understanding, but I feel like I am zombie, and have nothing left. There is no way out of this, because we need the money from all of the jobs to pay our bills. Even now as I finished writing this, I’m not sure why I wrote other than to get it off my chest. Thanks in advance for any support or words of wisdom.
 
Hopeful Shepherd:

“Although she is about two months pregnant, my wife has been saying she is going to get a job, but does nothing more than say she is going to. I try to be as supportive as possible, but lately I’ve been pushing it a bit more.”

She probably feels really lousy right now. I would suggest waiting another 4-8 weeks and seeing how she feels then (the second trimester is generally not bad). She may feel much better then. Being pregnant and home with a 2-year-old is TERRIBLE.

Also, how much did she used to make? Do you hope for her to work permanently, or is this just until the new baby is born? Daycare for two is going to be very expensive.

“I feel like a jerk trying to get my pregnant wife to work, but I can’t keep this pace up. There are several days throughout the week where I work around 17 hours, and don’t get to see my son for more than 10 minutes in the morning before I leave (if I’m lucky and he’s awake).”

You’re a teacher–you have vacations. Just try for the moment to survive from vacation to vacation. Thanksgiving is in another 5 or 6 weeks and Christmas break is four weeks after that. And then spring break is in another 8 weeks, etc.

Can you make any adjustments to your spending? I know you’re a busy guy, but you and your wife should consider taking a personal finance course (for instance, Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University–I believe there may be an online version you might be able to squeeze into Thanksgiving or winter break). Have you really red-penciled everything, or are you guys spending at the same level you were before your wife lost her job? Also, would your wife be capable of doing a little babysitting?
 
I think you need to take a look at your bills and see what you can cut out. That doesn’t sound healthy to have to be working that much just to make ends meet. It seems that if something needs to change, it should be what you are spending, not making as a family.

(If you haven’t already) Set grocery budgets and start couponing, cancel cell phones, cancel television and internet. Do laundry less often, sell things you don’t use often.
 
Here are the Dave Ramsey baby steps for the financially struggling:

daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

Also, now that I think of it, please bear in mind that if you are gone from home for 17 hours, that’s 17 hours that your pregnant wife is alone with a 2-year-old. That’s a loooong day.
 
I agree with the above advice.

To me it sounds like you need to take a hard look at your bills and make some tough decisions.

Figure out exactly where this money is going.

My husband lost his job around the same time we decided to have me quit my job in order to be a SAHM. I’m pregnant too.

We are literally making 1/4 of what we were originally bringing in…between me quitting my job and my husband losing his job and not being able to find pay more then half of what he was making before.

Things needed to be cut.
The most important things to be paid are the mortgage, electricity and getting food on the table.
We got rid of cable, a cell phone (in favor of a track phone my FIL helps us out with), a car (that was the biggest loss but we made it work) and we did some serious re-working of what we spent in groceries.

It’s been tough but we are getting through so far.

I highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s financial courses. They helped my husband and I get out of debt before we lost our income. That was a major blessing because about 75% of our debt was totally wiped out before my husband lost his job and we had amassed a lot of savings too.
We still have debt but it’s far more manageable now…even without the income we had before.

It’s far easier to cut out expenditures then it is trying to make more money appear out of thin air.
 
I second the Dave Ramsey plan!!!

Is there maybe something your wife could do at home to help bring in income? Maybe if she’s good at accounting, she could do books for small businesses or if she teaches, maybe she could tutor? Anything to relieve a little stress from you and still be at home to with the kidlet?

I second looking at your budget. Make wise choices with the purchases that you make – like groceries. Use coupons or a website like emeals.com to help plan your meals so you get the most bang for your buck.
 
Just to add…

My husband used some of his spare time to sell off things we didn’t need on Ebay.

Not a ton of stuff, mind you, but things we never used or didn’t need. Things like text books and equipment that wasn’t easy to come by (hunting stuff and old Army gear).

We sold some of my wedding stuff (shoes and other accessories) at a decent price.
 
You are to be commended for working so hard to support your family. Been there, done that, so I know what it’s like.
Why are you drowning in bills? Just wondering if they are debt payments or maybe a little too high standard of living.

But more importantly: when I was in your shape, I still tried for one day a week off, even if it meant an extra hour or two the other six days.
Secondly, I would rather have had my wife not working and taking care of everything else, a working wife will add more stress.

So look at your expenses, try to have a day off ( preferably Sunday) each week and be thankful your wife is at home running the household.
 
I would involve your wife in a discussion of your need to cut back work hours and trim family expenditures. I would not focus on her job initiative, but rather leave that for her to raise and address.
 
HopefulShepherd said:
I hate to come here and vent, but you guys are always so helpful at getting me to see things from another perspective. The quick background is my wife is a stay at home mom, she lost her job when around 3 1/2 years ago. We have a two-year-old child at home and are soon to be having another.

Financially we are drowning right now. I am literally working three jobs, at about 75-80 hours per week. I am a teacher, which for those of you who know, it is mentally exhausting on its own. I am beyond exhausted, stressed, and just beaten down. Although she is about two months pregnant, my wife has been saying she is going to get a job, but does nothing more than say she is going to. I try to be as supportive as possible, but lately I’ve been pushing it a bit more.

I feel like a jerk trying to get my pregnant wife to work, but I can’t keep this pace up. There are several days throughout the week where I work around 17 hours, and don’t get to see my son for more than 10 minutes in the morning before I leave (if I’m lucky and he’s awake).

I know I’ve been short tempered with her lately, and I continue to pray for more patience and understanding, but I feel like I am zombie, and have nothing left. There is no way out of this, because we need the money from all of the jobs to pay our bills. Even now as I finished writing this, I’m not sure why I wrote other than to get it off my chest. Thanks in advance for any support or words of wisdom.
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Three jobs 80 hours a week and one of them teaching?

The numbers do not add up. Dave Ramsey is the way to go here. And I don’t like Dave Ramsey.

You also might consider living somewhere you can make it work a little better.
 
Although this sounds paradoxical; if you are not tithing, now is the time to begin.

Pray about this (as you are tithing) and God will show you interiorly WHY this is big part of the solution.

Incidentally, your tithe doesn’t have to go entirely in the collection plate. For example you could give 5% to the parish, and another 5% to places like Catholic Answers or EWTN (I do not work for Catholic Answers or EWTN so I feel quite free to recommend them), that directly support and extend the Catholic faith.

Consider setting up a special “tithing account” to help hold you to this resolution.

Be a good steward of God’s money that He entrusts you with, so you also must carefully review the Catholic places you give His money to. Don’t just send money to every “Catholic envelope” you receive in the mail! Check them out carefully. Like I said, Catholic Answers (link here) and EWTN are two of many good sources I can think of.
 
Hoosier Daddy said:

“Three jobs 80 hours a week and one of them teaching?”

I suspect that at one or two of the jobs are low-paying.

That’s another avenue of attack–with your 80 hours a week of work, could you make more money if you allotted your time differently? Could you replace one of the jobs with higher-paying hours at a different job?

If it is genuinely the case that your family is barely getting by on 80 hours of work a week, that means that if your wife can earn roughly the same that you can, you will be in exactly the same financial position if you are each working 40 hours a week, plus your children will be in daycare (or at least not with a parent). Unless your wife has higher earning potential than you have, her working will not gain you much besides some leisure, and you will probably find that you will need to do more housework at home if you are home more. If you are away 17 hours a day, there’s not much you can do at home.

The most obvious question to ask about your finances is your house and your car. Can you afford your housing and can you afford your car or cars?

Best wishes!
 
One area that can make a huge difference is that if you have comprehensive insurance on your cars you can eliminate or reduce it (depending on how much you owe on the car(s)). Comprehensive is a lot more expensive than just liability.

Another thing you might be able to do if you have been paying for your house for several years, if you are buying a house, is to re-work your payment to rreflect the reduced amount you owe wrt the insuranc which pays off the house, iyswim.

Also, if you are not already doing so, start taking your meals in to work from home instead of buying prepared food. that can end up adding up really fast. And a thermos or two of coffe rather than getting it from a 7-11, etc.
 
Cathoholic said:
Although this sounds paradoxical; if you are not tithing, now is the time to begin.

Pray about this (as you are tithing) and God will show you interiorly WHY this is big part of the solution.

Incidentally, your tithe doesn’t have to go entirely in the collection plate. For example you could give 5% to the parish, and another 5% to places like Catholic Answers or EWTN (I do not work for Catholic Answers or EWTN so I feel quite free to recommend them), that directly support and extend the Catholic faith.

Consider setting up a special “tithing account” to help hold you to this resolution.

Be a good steward of God’s money that He entrusts you with, so you also must carefully review the Catholic places you give His money to. Don’t just send money to every “Catholic envelope” you receive in the mail! Check them out carefully. Like I said, Catholic Answers (link here) and EWTN are two of many good sources I can think of.
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Sorry, but I disagree with your suggestion here. And here is why:

First - The Catholic Church has no tithing requirement. LINK to CAF Quick Answer

And Second - if you’re thinking that Dave Ramsey is any “expert” on the subject of theology (and tithing), a search of his website will show that he cites his belief in it on “1200 years of Protestant Christian teaching” (sorry, no such thing exists as “1200 years of…”). 🤷

Mr. Ramsey is probably a good debt counselor and popular radio talk show personality, but he’s not Catholic. He’s a money-guy, not a spiritual adviser, especially for a Catholic.

There are Catholic debt and money management courses and advice from the St. Vincent de Paul Society (and they are Catholic):
In addition to financial help, the Society of St. Vincent de Paul offers counseling and budget assistance to help those families stay in control of their finances. Vincentian volunteers follow up with families in the program to document their progress and access their current and future needs. In addition, Vincentians will continue to remain involved with the family until financial problems are resolved. This personalized support truly makes a difference in the lives of our “Family Assistance” recipients, and makes the program one with countless success stories of lives made better due to the work of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul.
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LINK to St VdP

OP - please look into St Vincent de Paul Society for guidance and assistance. They are a great Catholic resource.
 
The above suggestions are very wise, and continue to find ways to reduce variable expenses…but you really sound like you need a break from one of your other jobs.

It is not easy to shift into work mode after being a stay at home mom.I would ask her to just get a part time holiday job or something similar, where she can work after you get home from teaching or on weekends. This way it is not as big of a commitment on her part, you get the rest you need, and no daycare is involved. Just tell her that this is just for a few months to try out.

This will not increase your income though, as you will have to leave one of your other jobs. You will get at home time, but remember you have a 2 year old so you will be busy in a different way.I have the feeling that once she gets out there, she will enjoy the change, and seek to work at her regular profession, or seek to do this permanently.

Wishing you well, and that you get the downtime you need.
Mommy K
 
Sorry to hear your predicament. This is just an idea. I assume you are from the US. Houses there are generally much largely than here in the UK. It may not be relevant. But you could consider downsizing to a much smaller place, in a cheaper part of town. You’d have less rooms to clean 🙂 I realise not evertone Stateside lives in a mansion, but it is a relatively wealthy country.
 
Michael57 said:
And Second - if you’re thinking that Dave Ramsey is any “expert” on the subject of theology (and tithing), a search of his website will show that he cites his belief in it on “1200 years of Protestant Christian teaching” (sorry, no such thing exists as “1200 years of…”). 🤷

Mr. Ramsey is probably a good debt counselor and popular radio talk show personality, but he’s not Catholic. He’s a money-guy, not a spiritual adviser, especially for a Catholic.
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And to be fair, he does say (often) that he believes in tithing as an evangelical Christian. I listen to him regularly, and I’ve never heard him tell a Catholic they have to tithe. Not saying he never has, but I’ve never heard it.

Hopeful Shepherd, I encourage you to first follow the advice about looking at your expenses to see what can be cut out/decreased. And your wife may very well feel pretty bad at this stage; encourage her to talk to her doctor about that, and about getting a job. He/she may have some good advice on how to manage pregnancy while working.
 
I would try to downsize and live within your means. 80 hours for anyone with children is not a good idea and will leave you irratable and cause problems in your marriage. I would try to work something out where your wife can stay home and you can work a regular work week that leaves you time for God and your wife and your children and some time for your own leisure, otherwise you will break. A few good books I read is “Your money or your life,” by Vicki Robin or “Getting a Life,” by Blix. Hope all works out, will say a prayer for you.
 
HopefulShepherd said:
I hate to come here and vent, but you guys are always so helpful at getting me to see things from another perspective. The quick background is my wife is a stay at home mom, she lost her job when around 3 1/2 years ago. We have a two-year-old child at home and are soon to be having another.

Financially we are drowning right now. I am literally working three jobs, at about 75-80 hours per week. I am a teacher, which for those of you who know, it is mentally exhausting on its own. I am beyond exhausted, stressed, and just beaten down. Although she is about two months pregnant, my wife has been saying she is going to get a job, but does nothing more than say she is going to. I try to be as supportive as possible, but lately I’ve been pushing it a bit more.

I feel like a jerk trying to get my pregnant wife to work, but I can’t keep this pace up. There are several days throughout the week where I work around 17 hours, and don’t get to see my son for more than 10 minutes in the morning before I leave (if I’m lucky and he’s awake).

I know I’ve been short tempered with her lately, and I continue to pray for more patience and understanding, but I feel like I am zombie, and have nothing left. There is no way out of this, because we need the money from all of the jobs to pay our bills. Even now as I finished writing this, I’m not sure why I wrote other than to get it off my chest. Thanks in advance for any support or words of wisdom.
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Do you live near a university or an english as a second language school? They have international students and you guys could host a student. We currently host and we make an extra $800 a month. We have to provide breakfast, make a bag lunch and she has dinner with us. She requires her own room and shared bathroom.
 
agnes_therese said:
And to be fair, he does say (often) that he believes in tithing as an evangelical Christian. I listen to him regularly, and I’ve never heard him tell a Catholic they have to tithe. Not saying he never has, but I’ve never heard it.

Hopeful Shepherd, I encourage you to first follow the advice about looking at your expenses to see what can be cut out/decreased. And your wife may very well feel pretty bad at this stage; encourage her to talk to her doctor about that, and about getting a job. He/she may have some good advice on how to manage pregnancy while working.
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Please understand, I do not disdain Dave Ramsey’s work to bring solid financial footing to people that are in distress.

As an evangelical christian, he brings a more reasonable financial message than the “prosperity message” types that are in the evangelical circles. But his ideas about tithing as an evangelical christian reduce God to the role of an ATM, if you look carefully at how they apply it and talk about it. It was one of the (many) errors that pushed me out of the evangelical & charismatic movement toward the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.

Mr. Ramsey simply has no authority to teach a Catholic anything about tithing to the Church (or anywhere else for that matter) and those that extol him should be very careful about their support and their elevation of him.

The Society of St Vincent de Paul has trained counselors that will sit with a family to work out their budget and teach them how to plan and execute it. They will stick with the family over an extended period of time to help as issues arise. They are Catholic and abide with the Faith of our Fathers. I recommend that the OP contact them, or some other Catholic organization that fulfills a similar function.
 
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