FSSP Priest vs. Boyfriend - Unabsolved

[Bookcat]

I say now isn’t the right time due to this upcoming huge change of me moving out.

The living situation needs to be rectified.

Search for cohabitation and diocese and you will find a number of letters to people who are living together. Cohabitation is NOT the way to go. Not only in terms of grave sins …but also even for the good of any future marriage from the non-theological point of view.

(I am not a member of FSSP etc…by the way.)

 

[OraLabora]

Let my mistake of 20 years be a cautionary tale for you, if I had to do it all over again I would move out, because the last 20 years has been very bumpy for us. It is too difficult to build a life with someone who, while they may be Catholic, does not have the same commitment to God as you have.

I am saddened to read this. I think most of my married friends, and myself too, would say that marriage is a bumpy ride, and that even for couples very closely aligned in faith.

My marriage of 23 years has had a lot of bumps. She is Anglican and I Catholic. In the last couple of years we have received a gift from God, the ability to put Him first, and to put it bluntly, get over ourselves. The last two years have been pure marital bliss. Few can say that these days at age 53.

Our suffering was for a purpose: it matured us, and made us turn to God who worked a miracle in our lives. The one important lesson I learned was that the only person I can change is myself.

And this: if we are in a sacramental marriage, no matter how bumpy, we are exactly where God wants us to be. This my spiritual director told me when at a particularly low point I said I wished I had become a monk. Persevere. You are in my prayers.

 

[Irishgal49]

Okay…

A little background: My boyfriend and I have been together well over 5 years now, we’re both in our mid to late 20’s. We have been living together nearly the whole time of our relationship. He was Catholic when I met him, and I just entered the church this Easter. He really started practicing Catholicism more seriously when I was going through RCIA at an ordinary form parish that was nearby (and where I received my Baptism, etc…). During my time in RCIA we had been trying not to sleep in the same bed together and not fornicate - which is hard to do while cohabiting…A few months ago I found out that there was an FSSP parish not too far away - so we went to try it out; I absolutely loved it - and he hated it!

Fast forward: This Saturday I really wanted to go to daily mass at the FSSP parish and he went also - we decided to go to confession together; and I was first. Well…I confessed to fornication and soon the priest got out of me that we were living together and that he would not absolve me until we move apart (which up until this point I did not realize it was so horrible and mortal to be in occasion of sin). Let’s just say my confession made him nearly late to say mass and unable to hear others.

My boyfriend is so angry about me trying to move out. He says that I’m only doing it because the Priest told me to and that I should seek out a Priest that will absolve me - but I feel that is the wrong thing to do. It feels like he wants me to be Catholic…but not THAT Catholic…haha…He also tells me that he will never step foot in that parish again saying “IT’S NOT 1962 ANYMORE”

I just don’t know what to say to explain to him why I am doing this. I tell him that it is for us and that it could only improve our relationship - he says otherwise and won’t even listen to me on the subject.

I am at a loss for words - I called to make an appointment to speak with the Priest more about this, but haven’t scheduled anything yet…

Any good advice out there as to ways I can explain this to my boyfriend? Has anyone else gone through this?

What is speaking VOLUMES to me is that he has not even hinted or discussed marriage. He is simply wanting you to disregard the state of your soul and continue to live with him and smile on the road to hell?! He knows better too. The fact he doesn’t suggest/discuss/hint at marriage screams so loud it’s impossible to hear anything else.

I can say this, move out I too was converted while living with my boyfriend. The priest knew and after my first Confession said, “Now don’t sleep with your boyfriend before the Easter vigil” but said it was OK to masturbate. Unbelievable given what I know now but I didn’t know that back then. I trusted him and he steered me wrong. In fact, only when after my first husband died and my 2nd husband (yes we got married but OUTSIDE the church) and I separated am I actually able to take communion for the first time since I became Catholic in 2000. Thankfully the priest I have now would never give me such shoddy advice. Once you have lived together the odds of your making it are almost nill. And given his attitude about being content to have you go to hell, I am stunned beyond words. You deserve more–not saying to break it off but certainly move out and give him time to think.

Blessings–I’m praying for you,

Lorrie

 

[Irishgal49]

You’re wrong. Consider yourself corrected.

I agree, you CAN refuse absolution when it is obvious that the person is going to continue in the sin. It is a mortal sin to cohabitate and have sex outside of marriage. It is still a scandal even if you are “trying” not to have sex and we all know that doesn’t work for long. If you have no intention of moving out, are going to continue to live in the sin, and are not actively changing it then the priest can’t absolve you as you are still sinning. It’s really tying his hands. Once you are no longer living in sin and repent for having done so, THEN he won’t withhold absolution.

Lorrie

 

[domandcarols]

I will be praying for you and your boyfriend.

 

[OraLabora]

I mentioned above my marriage and that I consider us to be exactly where God wants us to be. I do tend to avoid looking backwards to mistakes I cannot undo, but I’ll say this: if I had to do it over again, I would not cohabite first (we did for 2 years, I had drifted from the faith and my wife was not yet Christian). But I sure as heck would marry the same woman!

It puts the soul and relationship in danger at so many levels: illicit sex, sex not opened to life, and that leads to taking the other person for granted and objectifying the person. As a man I would say this is a particularly grave danger for men. It is hardly grounds on which to build a solid, mutual relationship based on self-giving. A husband is to love and give to his wife as Christ gave to us.

A man in a cohabitating scenario tends to take, not give. We come to see sex as an entitlement, not a gift. I speak from personal experience as a man. It’s only through God’s sacramental grace that I came to see this in time. We both opened our hearts to His sacramental grace. As a result God made a miracle in our lives by turning around a rocky marriage into a loving one.

I can’t undo what I did, but I hope I can convince others to not make the same mistakes!

 

[thewanderer]

by the way, I would suggest you read Love and Responsibility by Blessed John Paul II
He does a very good job of explaining the church’s position on relationships, explaining why the church holds what it does, and showing the attitude those in a relationship ought to have towards each other. It takes a bit of time to read, but is definitely worth it!

 

[PLeeD]

For what it’s worth, it’s not just a traditional Catholic thing, and definitely not just a 1962 thing.

This is the first thing the pastor at my AoG church will tell a co-habitating couple who asks him to perform their marriage ceremony. They need to immediately move apart from each other and abstain from sex.

 

[ThatOneGuy92]

You’re wrong. Consider yourself corrected.

Indeed, I have been. Like I said, I was not exactly clear on the canons, and was only going off what I could remember at the time. Correction accepted

And in order to clear up any misunderstandings: I was not advocating that the OP should continue in her sin. Not at all. My only question was about the canon(s) regarding Absolution, and the refusal thereof.

 

[choliks]

Indeed, I have been. Like I said, I was not exactly clear on the canons, and was only going off what I could remember at the time. Correction accepted

And in order to clear up any misunderstandings: I was not advocating that the OP should continue in her sin. Not at all. My only question was about the canon(s) regarding Absolution, and the refusal thereof.

No problem. I think your question was clear.

 

[Cider]

I want to talk to you as a Grandma to a loved grand daughter. If the time is not right now for marriage, it never will be. You have given this young man five years of your life. He apparently does not intend to give you anything in return.

The teachings of the Church is not a list of do’s and don’ts. The teachings of the Church are lessons to be learned for our benefit. A young woman involved with a young man who is not interested in commitment, who can not see her spiritual pain, nor is interested in her journey toward God, is a young woman waiting for heart break.

My advice is to move out, move up, move toward God. Find out who you are as a child of God. Search for God’s plan for you. You will find joy and happiness with or without a man.

As the mother of a young woman in her 20s I completely agree

 

[sistermouse]

My advice is to move out, move up, move toward God. Find out who you are as a child of God. Search for God’s plan for you. You will find joy and happiness with or without a man.

 

[Balian]

Exactly - she was refused absolution, as priests have the right to refuse, and told the conditions under which she may obtain that absolution in future. Which is only fair, otherwise she might despair of it’s ever being available and not returning to confession.

A very different scenario to being absolved but conditionally so.

Amen

 

[Ancient1]

Thanks, I never knew that something like this would cause me so much pain and sadness. I have been praying and going to mass - hoping that it can help me get through this.

I read in something by Pope John Paul II that sin has the subtle affect of water wearing out a groove, and the deeper we get in, the more sinful we become, sometimes without realizing it.

“This” is not what is causing you pain, not the FSSP church, not the confession, not the priest’s demands, not even your boyfriend’s stubborn and lecherous attitude. The pain you feel now is just about what any young (20’s) couple feels after they have been living together as “pretend” man and wife for five years. This is the normal crisis point, most marry or break up, most men resist commitment, etc.

But that is only the superficial aspect. The sinful life you got into, maybe thru no fault of your own without fully realizing the impact, now has accumulated in your souls and driven a wedge between you.

Move out on your own! And you don’t need to explain yourself to your boyfriend. A child explains to a parent. You are an adult. Never live with a man who’s not your husband! Even without religious reasons. That is totally the right choice, for your faith, your health (physical and mental, I hate to presume, but possibly you are on the pill too, recipe for cancer), and your self-respect as a woman.

Hope boyfriend grows up and comes around, but if not, you’re a darn lucky girl you’re freeing yourself at 25 and not 35, or worse 45!

 

[Rha_hea]

Thanks for all of the great advice to everyone. I met with the Priest and he gave some good advice too. He of course wants to meet the boyfriend - but the boyfriend is not too into that…Hopefully he will change his mind.

I am hopefully going to be moving out sometime next week (as long as my application gets approved at the apartment complex). I didn’t realize filling out the application would be so difficult - at one point I felt like walking out in the middle of filling it out. Change is so hard.

I just want to clarify - I specifically stated that the parish was FSSP because my boyfriend seems to have a problem with them - ie he said he’s not going back somewhere where they think it’s 1962. I don’t want people thinking (as it seems in some posts) that I believe they’re ‘better’ than an ordinary form parish. It’s just my personal preference.

 

[Khalid]

I know about the moving-out part. I have great credit (680-720 from the three bureaus), but the new apartment complex wants “proof of income” in the form of tax returns. I live on capital gains/investments and already-held assets. My capital gains aren’t high enough to show anything like the 40k/year income that they want (they’re closer to $15k/an), so they want a fifteen thousand dollar security deposit, even with bank statements showing upwards of a quarter million dollars, and about 20k in completely liquid assets. Yes, you heard that correctly - a fifteen thousand dollar security deposit. I could try to get a signature loan and take a massive hit to my credit (about sixty points right off the bat, which would increase by about 90 over the term of the loan if it was paid as agreed), or max out the cash advance on all of my credit and pay the usurious 24.99% cash advance rates. I’ve never carried a balance on a credit card once in my life - I make money from them, not they from me - and just a few months of that kind of balance-carrying would wipe out all of the credit card rewards I’ve ever earned with finance charges. Argh!

I plan my investments out, and, sadly, three and a half thousand dollars (what would be left after moving, if that much, after turning on all of the utilities and internet - and I don’t have a car and can’t drive!), isn’t enough to afford nearly enough time until the next round of assets becomes liquid either for withdrawal or re-investment (everything’s scheduled so that I receive another infusion of liquid assets every six months to the tune of around $20k, of which I usually take $15 and re-invest $5), unless I want to pull out of buying lots of Facebook or sell my stakes in my best-performing asset (Fidelity Contrafund, which, I kid thee not, has returned about 25% in the last three years, almost 50% in 2009 alone), the former of which I think is an excellent chance to make 10% or more in a month with little risk - it’s going to rise after the IPO, and then it will go down: one just has to sell before it starts going down, and the latter of which is consistently good returns. CDs don’t offer anything above 2% any more, even for a sixty month jumbo, and I need to average 7.5% returns.

The funny thing is that this current complex - everything is broken, air conditioner, heater, fridge, sink, no clothes washer - wash by hand - will “re-qualify” me for another lease without a problem, even though it’s **** in a **** area, and, as a small one-bedroom, is going up to $580 a month, and for $800 a month I can move to a two-floor, two-bedroom townhouse with great maintenance in a local rich (i.e. middle class) suburb, if only they will qualify me without a damn fifteen-thousand dollar down payment! I could buy a $200k house with fifteen thousand down at 95% LTV! (Or $150k at 90% LTV, although I won’t make that mistake - buying real-estate - again.)

 

[hoop0826]

Good for you for moving out and being obedient to God by submitting the priest’s conditions for absolving. It helps not only your own soul but also the souls of others when you seek to cease living in mortal sin (or any sin) - and then you will eventually be able to receive Holy Communion!

In Christ through Mary,

 

[markomalley]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is it not against the canons to refuse Absolution to a penitent? As in, “You are forgiven; but you must now rectify the situation, lest you continue to live in sin.”

As others have said, you are absolutely wrong. The two canons that apply are:

Can. 980 If the confessor has no doubt about the disposition of the penitent, and the penitent seeks absolution, absolution is to be neither refused nor deferred.

Can. 987 To receive the salvific remedy of the sacrament of penance, a member of the Christian faithful must be disposed in such a way that, rejecting sins committed and having a purpose of amendment, the person is turned back to God.

For this specific case, if a person states that he/she is going to continue living in a conjugal relationship with a boyfriend, then that person has indicated that he/she is not contrite and, therefore, is not properly disposed. If the priest is aware of this when he hears the confession, he would, in fact, be committing a violation of Canon Law if he was to attempt absolution (which would be invalid anyway).

 

[markomalley]

Thanks for all of the great advice to everyone. I met with the Priest and he gave some good advice too. He of course wants to meet the boyfriend - but the boyfriend is not too into that…Hopefully he will change his mind.

I am hopefully going to be moving out sometime next week (as long as my application gets approved at the apartment complex). I didn’t realize filling out the application would be so difficult - at one point I felt like walking out in the middle of filling it out. Change is so hard.

I just want to clarify - I specifically stated that the parish was FSSP because my boyfriend seems to have a problem with them - ie he said he’s not going back somewhere where they think it’s 1962. I don’t want people thinking (as it seems in some posts) that I believe they’re ‘better’ than an ordinary form parish. It’s just my personal preference.

Congratulations on your decision. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will respect your desire to remain chaste with your state in life and, hopefully, you two can work out the necessary issues to resolve this by a sacramental marriage. If he does not respect that decision, can you say that he actually ever did love you?

 

[KCT]

I’m sorry that your boyfriend was raised Catholic and was never told the truth about these things. Many people think certain teachings are ‘too hard’ and want to go easy on us. They don’t realize it can backfire and cause more problems later…

For some reason, the Holy Spirit chose this moment in time to convict you about it. Follow the promptings of the Spirit and continue to seek counsel from wise priests. You are on the right path; your boyfriend needs to decide if he’s going to join your or not.