FSSP Priest vs. Boyfriend - Unabsolved

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You said on page 1 of this thread that you two have talked marriage but the time is not right.

You know, if the time has been right for five years to imitate marriage, then the time is right for marriage.
 
“The God presented to American Catholics today is the Rodney Dangerfield of gods: He gets no respect. Today, God hardly needs to be worshipped, since He’s our buddy, our pal, our equal. No need to fear Him or stand in awe, no difficult obligations on our part – we need only feel the warm fuzzies He showers upon us, until we die and He takes us instantly to Heaven.”

The above was excerpted from the essay “I Was Robbed,” by Leila Miller. Your boyfriend should read it to see how well it fits his own experience as a Catholic.
 
Rha_hea said:
Okay…

A little background: My boyfriend and I have been together well over 5 years now, we’re both in our mid to late 20’s. We have been living together nearly the whole time of our relationship. He was Catholic when I met him, and I just entered the church this Easter. He really started practicing Catholicism more seriously when I was going through RCIA at an ordinary form parish that was nearby (and where I received my Baptism, etc…). During my time in RCIA we had been trying not to sleep in the same bed together and not fornicate - which is hard to do while cohabiting…A few months ago I found out that there was an FSSP parish not too far away - so we went to try it out; I absolutely loved it - and he hated it!

Fast forward: This Saturday I really wanted to go to daily mass at the FSSP parish and he went also - we decided to go to confession together; and I was first. Well…I confessed to fornication and soon the priest got out of me that we were living together and that he would not absolve me until we move apart (which up until this point I did not realize it was so horrible and mortal to be in occasion of sin). Let’s just say my confession made him nearly late to say mass and unable to hear others.

My boyfriend is so angry about me trying to move out. He says that I’m only doing it because the Priest told me to and that I should seek out a Priest that will absolve me - but I feel that is the wrong thing to do. It feels like he wants me to be Catholic…but not THAT Catholic…haha…He also tells me that he will never step foot in that parish again saying “IT’S NOT 1962 ANYMORE”

I just don’t know what to say to explain to him why I am doing this. I tell him that it is for us and that it could only improve our relationship - he says otherwise and won’t even listen to me on the subject.

I am at a loss for words - I called to make an appointment to speak with the Priest more about this, but haven’t scheduled anything yet…

Any good advice out there as to ways I can explain this to my boyfriend? Has anyone else gone through this?🤷
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You are doing the correct thing by moving out, and as others have posted its not a “1962 thing”. Keep doing what is right and stick with your confessor. If your boyfriend truly cares about your soul he will do this. If he doesnt care about your soul or his own then he is not someone you should be around, period.
 
While offending God is a horrible, horrible thing, the practicality of what happens with live-in relationships is obvious even to those who are not looking at the moral implications.

As a 40-year old woman, I’m seeing the effects that “living together” has had on many in my peer group. For every friend that lived together for years before marriage, there’s 5 that never got married. Even my husband’s brother did that - lived with a girl for 5-6 years and then broke up when she wanted to get married. So many of my girl friends have moved in together and said, “Oh, I’m not into marriage either, let’s move in together!” And then all of a sudden, five years is gone, and the woman says “I want to get married” and the man says, “I told you five years ago I didn’t want to get married.” I have multiple friends who have been “serial monogamists” and have had multilple long-term relationships with live-ins, and now live alone, at 40. Also, because they never got married, their dreams of becoming married and having a family have pretty much been squashed. Even getting married at 30 with intentions of having kids can be a struggle, but to be 40, single and childless because of broken long-term live-in relationships is a very heavy cross to bear.

On top of that, so many of these 40-year olds got $10K+ in debt “nesting” with their Significant Others and got left holding the credit card debt when they walked away.

My theory has always been that women know they want to get married when they are playing with dolls and Bride Barbies, and men know when they want to get married when they meet the woman they want to marry. He doesn’t want to marry you. At this point, you need to look out for yourself, and for your soul, and for your wallet and for your mental health. You will be in my prayers. You are in very good hands with the FSSP priests - trust them and listen to what they say.
 
c0ldb33r said:
I thought it was fine to cohabitste as lomg as you lived like siblings

Weirdly enough I confessed to the same thing a while ago. The priest wasnt fussed and gave me a few prayers. Of course mine might be different since weve now been married for 10 years

We did live together for 2-3 years though
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It is preferable to avoid cohabitation if possible. The priest makes a pastoral judgment when advising the couple. For example, there may be financial reasons that prevent them from separating or they may have children. When there is a reason that overrides the risk of scandal and temptation, he may advise that they live as brother and sister. But it is a second choice.

A priest is not likely to be fussed about a sin that happened years ago and that has been corrected. It is a different situation from a sin that is currently going on. A priest might feel a need to convey the seriousness of the sin in a current situation in order to help the penitent see the necessity of change.
 
Get married,or break up. Really it’s coming to that already. Go to marriage prep or move on.

And if it’s meant to be, it’s that easy.

ps

I wonder if you didn’t also confess to force the issue- do you really want to marry him? Think about it.
 
jpjd said:
You said on page 1 of this thread that you two have talked marriage but the time is not right.

You know, if the time has been right for five years to imitate marriage, then the time is right for marriage.
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I can’t believe looking at this man’s behavior anyone would advocate marriage in this case. I think some time apart would be wise and then work with the priest. Does this man look like he wants to help the OP get to heaven? I sure don’t see it based on what was written here.
 
Irishgal49 said:
I can’t believe looking at this man’s behavior anyone would advocate marriage in this case. I think some time apart would be wise and then work with the priest. Does this man look like he wants to help the OP get to heaven? I sure don’t see it based on what was written here.
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Well…if I could actually get him to meet with the priest that would be great…but I agree at this time we just need to take it slow and evaluate the situation and see how were feeling about marriage after some time passes.
 
IMHO- you need to be careful not to be sucked into a waiting period. Years and options go by- and there you are w/ a wasted life. I have seen it happen. I would speak to priest about discernment time.
 
Rha_hea said:
Okay…

A little background: My boyfriend and I have been together well over 5 years now, we’re both in our mid to late 20’s. We have been living together nearly the whole time of our relationship. He was Catholic when I met him, and I just entered the church this Easter. He really started practicing Catholicism more seriously when I was going through RCIA at an ordinary form parish that was nearby (and where I received my Baptism, etc…). During my time in RCIA we had been trying not to sleep in the same bed together and not fornicate - which is hard to do while cohabiting…A few months ago I found out that there was an FSSP parish not too far away - so we went to try it out; I absolutely loved it - and he hated it!

Fast forward: This Saturday I really wanted to go to daily mass at the FSSP parish and he went also - we decided to go to confession together; and I was first. Well…I confessed to fornication and soon the priest got out of me that we were living together and that he would not absolve me until we move apart (which up until this point I did not realize it was so horrible and mortal to be in occasion of sin). Let’s just say my confession made him nearly late to say mass and unable to hear others.

My boyfriend is so angry about me trying to move out. He says that I’m only doing it because the Priest told me to and that I should seek out a Priest that will absolve me - but I feel that is the wrong thing to do. It feels like he wants me to be Catholic…but not THAT Catholic…haha…He also tells me that he will never step foot in that parish again saying “IT’S NOT 1962 ANYMORE”

I just don’t know what to say to explain to him why I am doing this. I tell him that it is for us and that it could only improve our relationship - he says otherwise and won’t even listen to me on the subject.

I am at a loss for words - I called to make an appointment to speak with the Priest more about this, but haven’t scheduled anything yet…

Any good advice out there as to ways I can explain this to my boyfriend? Has anyone else gone through this?🤷
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A Priest can not give the absolution if he firmly believes that you are not truly repentant. Cohabiting before marriage is one of those ‘look at me’ signs a Priest must pay attention to, because they can give off a sign that you are not truly contrite (even if you are, it is better to be safe, then sorry). ANY Priest should have withheld absolution in this circumstance, if a Priest gave absolution and continued to allow you to cohabit, he is causing scandal.

The Advice i can give you is tell your boyfriend, at your reception you agreed to and sign up to ALL that the Holy Mother Church teaches, Catholicism is not a cafeteria religion, it is ALL or nothing. You either follow the Church to the letter (which is what the FSSP Priest has done, applied the law as it is written) or you are outside of the Church. there is no middle ground (cafeteria Catholics sadly, I would deem to be already apostates).
 
Skeptic92 said:
The Advice i can give you is tell your boyfriend, at your reception you agreed to and sign up to ALL that the Holy Mother Church teaches, Catholicism is not a cafeteria religion, it is ALL or nothing. You either follow the Church to the letter (which is what the FSSP Priest has done, applied the law as it is written) or you are outside of the Church. there is no middle ground (cafeteria Catholics sadly, I would deem to be already apostates).
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This is patently false. We are made Catholic by virtue of our baptism. Even the Church teaches that if we apostatize, we do not cease to be Catholic. She doesn’t demand re-baptism if we pull off a “prodigal son/daughter” and come back; confession suffices.

Cafeteria Catholics are not “outside” the Church. They are imperfect in their knowledge of her, and perhaps at an earlier point in their faith walk than you are. As I learned more about my faith, I certainly slowly started to come around on many subjects I rebelled against.

Jesus absolved the adulteress, and told her to “go and sin no more”. He didn’t say “well you have a pretty loose reputation around here, I’m not going to absolve you because I’m pretty sure you’ll fall back into sin again”.

I wasn’t in the confessional. I have no idea what the OP said. If she said “I understand father, I will do my best to live as brother and sister until I can make arrangements to move out”, he would be bound to absolve her. Same thing if she said she’d live as brother and sister but couldn’t move because of financial circumstances, kids, whatever. Even if she keeps trying and fails and shows genuine sorrow for the failures and vows to keep trying, he’s bound to absolve her, IMHO. If she said she had no intention to correct the situation then he was right to refuse absolution.

Of course we weren’t there so we don’t know all the nuances, nor should we.

But it really bothers me when people make claims about others being “outside of the Church” because of their sins, stubbornness, misunderstandings, or whatever. We are never “outside” the Church, and all of us, I mean all, are in imperfect communion by virtue of our sin. Beware the speck in the other’s eye for the log in our own.

When a shepherd’s sheep gets lost, that sheep is still part of the flock. The Good Shepherd’s job, and thus the Church’s, is to bring back that wayward sheep, not declare it excluded from the flock.
 
I just finished reading this whole inspiring thread!

Rha, as a fellow Texan I can tell you that God is doing incredible things through Texas Catholics these days. Most visibly is the courage Texas Catholics are showing in making difficult, counter-cultural decisions like yours. The fact that you have seen the narrow path is a grace. But the fact that you are taking up this cross faithfully and are moving out will affect more than your own soul - it will be a channel of God’s grace to many around you. They will see that you walk the walk, not just talk the talk. What a witness!

My experience in these situations is that you will see multiple reasons to throw in the towel. These temptations are because someone “downstairs” sees you heading toward the light and wants to knock you back down. Pray hard and know that this is your path to sanctity.

Wow! Great story! And I hope that you will update this thread periodically so we can keep praying for you!
 
OraLabora said:
I mentioned above my marriage and that I consider us to be exactly where God wants us to be.
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Ora, you write so beautifully thank you it is important in this day and age of easy divorce for people to hear. My husband and I too got married after doing it all wrong but once we turned whole-heatedly and put God first ,now we are as you say “exactly where God wants us to be” AND I might add married to each other for the good of our souls despite our passed ignorance and sin. After 20+ years of marriage we are more in love now than ever ( the first 10 years were not so hot!!) and can hardly wait to be ‘empty nesters’ ( this fall!!) because we just love spending time with each other and frankly sometimes the kids demand alot of our attention which we gladly give them…well we do love them too:D

What I would like to add here is since the OP says that her BF is a cradle Catholic , she and he are in their late 20s and have been living together for 5 years , sounds to me like since just out of college right? Where were his parents?
 
Maryann_C said:
Ora, you write so beautifully thank you it is important in this day and age of easy divorce for people to hear. My husband and I too got married after doing it all wrong but once we turned whole-heatedly and put God first ,now we are as you say “exactly where God wants us to be” AND I might add married to each other for the good of our souls despite our passed ignorance and sin. After 20+ years of marriage we are more in love now than ever ( the first 10 years were not so hot!!) and can hardly wait to be ‘empty nesters’ ( this fall!!) because we just love spending time with each other and frankly sometimes the kids demand alot of our attention which we gladly give them…well we do love them too:D

What I would like to add here is since the OP says that her BF is a cradle Catholic , she and he are in their late 20s and have been living together for 5 years , sounds to me like since just out of college right? Where were his parents?
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Your story sounds exactly like mine! My wife and I will also be empty nesters this fall and are really looking forward to spending time together. There’s no company we appreciate better than each other. What a thrill to discover this in our 50s! Our first 10 years were tough too. A friend (now divorced) once told us marriage is like pushing a bus uphill. But we made it to the top of the hill with lots of effort. God bless you!
 
choliks said:
I agree with this. Maybe you could invite your b/f with you when you consult with the priest.
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Yes, this is great. . . and who knows? Maybe this Priest will even end up marrying you two! That would be awesome, and if not, then its not God’s will that you marry.

Peace
 
I showed my wife the OP and the first two pages. She made the following observations.

—Five years is entirely too long to spend in a relationship and say that “now is not the time.” Both parties are wasting their time.
—Two years should be enough to know that one intends to marry. For younger couples (those who started younger than, say, 25), they should know by the two-year point that they wish to marry, and may take another year or two to accomplish things that will aid them in being ready for marriage. This is especially true if they have never lived away from their parents’ home. But after two years they would be “pre-engaged,” so to speak, and then move to an engagement. For couples over 25, they should be ready to get engaged by the two-year mark. Anything more is just kidding oneself.
—Neither party in this relationship has a lengthy history in practicing the Catholic faith, which does not bode well for religious observance. The party new to the faith was obviously not well-formed in RCIA, as she did not appreciate the dangers of cohabitation until an FSSP priest pointed them out to her. Until fairly recently, most dioceses and parishes refused to marry cohabitating couples, and many priests stil do.
—The male is obviously not serious about his faith, and given the growing desire of the female to practice hers, his responses throw up yet another red flag.
—These types of issues would likely increase when children are born. In fact, they will likely arise well before that, when the issue of contraception comes up, as it surely will.
 
Well, I’m moving out in two days; it is so hard! I also think he might be on board with meeting with the priest sometime soon.

Thank you for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
Rha_hea said:
Well, I’m moving out in two days; it is so hard! I also think he might be on board with meeting with the priest sometime soon.

Thank you for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut.
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Texas, the land where women are tougher than nails! 👍
 
First… lots of prayer! Second, it sounds like your boyfriend is more interested in putting his wants/needs before yours and certainly before what God wants you to do. The fact that he put up such a fuss about you doing the right thing causes me concern. There is a very good reason why the priest would not absolve you until you moved out of the place you shared with your boyfriend. God’s way is the only way and it seems like your boyfriend is having a difficult time with that one! I will pray for you both. I know this has to be a tough situation to be in!
 
I will pray for you, Rha_hea.

Being in separate living quarters will be a huge help in avoiding the near occasion of sin. Pray, pray, pray, because as your dating relationship returns to a well-ordered complete abstinence, things will change in the relationship. If he is committed to your physical and spiritual well-being, your BF will value this time. Use it to grow as a couple spiritually, knowing that you are walking with the Lord. And don’t assume that you are now free from temptation. Avoid those situations you know will lead you back.

Amazing story.
 
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