Full disclosure-Honesty in Marriage

[Stbernadettepray4us]

I apologize ahead of time because this will be kind of a mix of questions.

Before my fiancé and I were dating and before we even really knew each other, I kissed one of his best friends. I was very vulnerable at the time, and we both regretted it and moved on. I have never told my fiancé. I thought about it a lot, and I discussed it with the friend who is also Catholic, but my his friend didn’t want to compromise their friendship or plant a seed of doubt in my fiancé’s mind. I don’t like holding this back, but I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. It’s a question in general I’m struggling with as well. Should I disclose everything to my fiancé before we’re married? We’ve both alluded to sexual history before our reversions, but do we need to be more specific? I was sexually assaulted when I was young. Should I share that? We discuss a lot, but I don’t know if I should hold some of this stuff back for his sake, especially if I think I have healed from it to some extent. Are these things each person has a right to know? Or are they harmful in the long run?

Thank you.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You have three things going on here:

1. You kissed your fiance’s best friend before you were dating or even knew your fiance, and you have not told your fiance and the friend would prefer you not tell him.
2. You and your fiance had some sexual history before your reversions, which you have shared vaguely but lacking in details.
3. You were sexually assaulted when you were young, and you have not told your fiance.

With respect to (1), the kiss, it was just a kiss and I see no reason why your fiance would need to know this, given that it did not go beyond a kiss, you do not have any ongoing relationship with the best friend, it happened well before you and the fiance got together, and the best friend in question would rather you not mention it. Just forget about it.

With respect to (2), your sexual history, if either one of you actually had sex (not just a kiss) before marriage then you should have the appropriate tests for STDs before you get married. It sounds like you’ve already shared with each other that you have some past sexual history, which is a good thing to do; you generally don’t need to go into gory details (but see 3).

With respect to (3), it’s up to you whether you want to tell your fiance that you were sexually assaulted when you were young. I know this is a very painful subject for many survivors to discuss and many of them keep it very private or may not feel ready to tell another about it. At the same time, your fiance will soon become your husband, the most important person in your life and the one you will need to rely on for emotional support throughout the rest of your lives, so you may want to tell him at some point, just so he understands your feelings and can support you as needed. In particular, if there are certain triggers, persons or situations that are likely to bring back bad memories of your past trauma, he needs to know that so he is not baffled when you avoid or react badly to them. Good luck with your decision.

 

[1ke]

#1 - no. Let it be.

#2 - no. Vague is fine.

#3 - maybe. I probably would. This is the kind of emotional trauma that can manifest itself down the road and I would think that your husband would want to know and support you. But it’s probably a question for your therapist as to whether they think it’s a good idea for you to share this.

 

[Saxum]

I’d keep it all to yourself. There’s no need to open a pandora’s box.

 

[LawyersGunsAndMoney]

Can’t improve on this on this post. Which is annoying when I don’t get to dispense blowhard advice.

 

[joseie]

Generally the policy to be followed for disclosing your past sexual adventures to the person who married you or going to be married is thiso not disclose unless he or she specifically ask about the particular incident.Even then need not give much graphic details.There is no harm in keeping some secrets with you during courting or after marriage as it is impossible to reveal all to any body in this world however close the person be.
The success of married life depends only on your actions and attitudes after marriage and not those before it.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

1. It’s no big deal but you should tell him. It’s his best friend, he probably should hear it from one if you that it happened. Not that it’s bad or horrible but he should be aware so that if say 5 years into the marriage his best friend says yup I kissed her, then it doesnt look like it’s been this big secret all along.
2. Vague is not only fine but preferable.
3. Yes tell him. This has a direct bearing on his marriage and future sex life.