Fun with the In-Laws

[silicasandra]

So DH and I just got back from vacation with his parents. We had a great time and his parents are warm, wonderful people.

But (you knew there was a “but”, right? )…

Background: DH was raised Catholic as was his mother (now my MIL). FIL was raised Protestant of some kind and was non-practicing by the time my husband was born and remained that way until two-ish years ago. MIL began falling away from the Church (as far as I can tell from what I’ve observed and from what DH tells me) when DH was in high school, and now both MIL and FIL attend a non-denominational evangelical church (MIL was even “re-baptized” in the new church. I don’t know if FIL was baptized as a child, but he was also baptized at the same time as MIL.)

The baptism (which happened in some guy’s pool) was what really sent up alarm bells for DH and me. I’m a convert and I grew up with the kind of religion my in-laws now seem so interested in. It seems like MIL was really poorly catechized (one time when we were over at their house and there was a thunderstorm, I started praying the rosary into our son’s ear to calm him down and when I explained what I was doing, she didn’t know what I meant.) She constantly says to me that “it’s so different now” in the Church because “they’re actually OK with you knowing things” (in that case, why doesn’t she come back?) The fact that she even thought she needed to be baptized again made me really concerned about what’s going on in their new church - either she really didn’t understand what her Catholic baptism meant or her new church has some seriously flawed theology (I suspect both.)

We’ve met the pastor and his wife, and of course they’re really nice people. They gave us lots and lots of baby things until I refused to accept any more because it didn’t feel right at all. My in-laws are super involved in all of their activities and ask us to join them constantly. The only time we broke down was last Christmas when we attended their Christmas Eve worship and communion service (we did not participate in their communion, of course, especially after seeing the grape juice and bread in my in-laws’ refrigerator and we did attend Mass the next day). We were disturbed by the pastor’s message (which not only had nothing to do with Christmas, but also included several severely flawed interpretations of the Bible, but of course he has no oversight - he used to be an assistant pastor at a Methodist church until he left or was removed, I’m not sure) as well as how much DH’s parents have been “sucked in.” This feeling has only worsened over time.

I can’t blame my FIL because he really has no understanding of Catholic theology at all (he thinks it’s “stuffy” and he enjoys this church because it’s the opposite of the harsh, Puritanical-style upbringing he had), but I really worry about my MIL. She seems drawn in by the style of the church even though it really has no substance, but she doesn’t seem knowledgeable about the substance of the Catholic Church, either. While we were on vacation we had a conversation about what they wanted done when they died (they are both in good health). Both want cremation, which I understand is now OK by the Church but the ashes are to be kept in one place (and buried, correct?) While DH and I have not brought this up with his mother yet, would we be able to give her a funeral Mass even if she doesn’t revert? (I pray that she will, but I want to be prepared in case she doesn’t so that DH and I can do what we can for her soul.)

So there’s one question, but the other is just how to discuss religion (or preferably not discuss it, at least not on the terms we have been) around them. All the time it’s “Pastor said this” or “Pastor said that” or “Why don’t you come to x/y/z Church activity?” Is there an appropriate, respectful way for us to say that we can’t in good faith support their activities? We had also planned on having them be the guardians of our children if they were still alive and in good health but something happened to us, but the likelihood of them being raised in the faith in that scenario is very small so DH and I are looking for alternatives. So that won’t be a fun conversation to have, either.

I’m sure I’m not the only one dealing with “mixed” relatives (on both sides, even!) DH and I feel like we’re the only Catholic ones on either side of the family now! How have you handled these topics or how would you in our situation? We are just beginning to feel like DH’s parents are trying to proselytize us and, when we know that they are wrong, we have no idea how to be respectful as we “shut them down” (hopefully gently?) Any suggestions for (gently!) encouraging my MIL to revert (or if I should even try??)

 

[Catholic90]

We had also planned on having them be the guardians of our children if they were still alive and in good health but something happened to us, but the likelihood of them being raised in the faith in that scenario is very small so DH and I are looking for alternatives. So that won’t be a fun conversation to have, either.

This only addresses a small part of your post…has the will been drawn up yet stating who will be your children’s guardians? If not, there is no need to tell them that they will not be the guardians! The likelihood of them ever finding out is small, and if by such circumstances both you and DH die and the children must go to guardians you choose, you will no longer be around to be yelled at!

Neither my parents nor my in-laws ever knew who was chosen to be guardians of our children. Neither asked. Neither will ever need to know.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

What a difficult situation. Since MIL seems to not know much about being Catholic,perhaps treat them both as if they had never been Catholic. It sounds like you spend more time with his family than your own? How do you handle religious conversations with your parents? Or do you just not have any?

You have to decide if you want to side-step all religious discussions, pick and choose your battle, or take them all on. I would recommend picking up on a few of their church’s more obvious errors and starting there. And I would emphasis your happiness in being Catholic.

For example, “we watched some of the World Youth Day activities on EWTN. It was amazing to see a million Catholic youth from all over the world! Imagine what it will be like in 18 years when little Bobby goes!” Your example of praying the rosary in the storm is a great one. Comforting prayers calling on God’s mercy that are hundred of years old!

Of course, never stop praying for them. And inviting them to your parish. For a regular Sunday Mass, for Midnight Mass, for your children’s baptisms and First Holy Communions, etc.

 

[faithfully]

I have about 5 girlfriends sworn to go to court and defend our choice of guardian should that happen. They know WHO and why… and we do need to get that down in a will… OMG, the things we put off.

It’s probably time for you husband to have a talk with his parents. He needs to explain to them they need to tone down their religious talk in front of your children. You are raising them Catholic, you have no intentions of changing that. They are soon to be talking “facts”, that will contradict your teachings. And it’s important they know and understand their “facts” will not be allowed around the kids. Nor will you be attending their church events so as not to confuse your kids.

I guess I’m lucky my in laws just aren’t religious at all. ??? But they do make statements all the time they don’t seem to understand.

Ex: A poor family on their 5th kid… And it goes like this, (and infront of my kids) MIL says: You know they are all Catholic (tone to enforce a dig), and refuse to use birthcontrol. And then they want us to feed their kids in public school and give them healthcare…

Red flags anyone???

At which I have to reply, now in front of my children: I’m perfectly aware of the Catholic standing on birth control. I just don’t see why people think it’s the answer. It’s very bad for you body, and not perfect. I think everyone knows how one gets PG, and I call that method… “keep it in your pants.”

So basically, go ahead and be upset that someone dared have children and needs assistance. But realize the way to avoid children is NOT to use ABC, but to control yourself… I mean really, we expect crazy hormonal teenagers to do that… Why not full grown adults?

When your MIL says: I didn’t know that, or they’re ok with people knowing things… Take the opportunity to give her a 5 minute lesson. Oh yeah, they’re totally ok with that. Infact…

When she says… Pastor so and so says… You can say, Wow, Father so and so says… , Or that’s not how I understand it… I’ve learned it means…

I would let the parents know, because of you teaching to your children, the grandparents way wrong info by YOUR faith structure WILL be corrected. It’s up to them to determine if they want their grandchildren told all the time how WRONG they are, or to not say anything.

Bascially, read them their maranda rights. You have the right to remain silent… Anything you say can and will be held against you… (or corrected)

Sorry, it’s not going to be easy. In the same way you might take offense, or be put off by a sister that says, you need to lay off the Catholic talk. we don’t believe in that nonsense…

 

[silicasandra]

This only addresses a small part of your post…has the will been drawn up yet stating who will be your children’s guardians? If not, there is no need to tell them that they will not be the guardians! The likelihood of them ever finding out is small, and if by such circumstances both you and DH die and the children must go to guardians you choose, you will no longer be around to be yelled at!

Neither my parents nor my in-laws ever knew who was chosen to be guardians of our children. Neither asked. Neither will ever need to know.

This is a very good point, thank you! I think DH may have let slip a while ago that we had been considering this, but all plans will, for now, be kept under wraps. The trouble now is where they can go, as my parents AND my siblings are out for a variety of reasons (well, except my youngest sister maybe, but she’s still in high school. ) We’ll work it out and hopefully it will never be needed.

Thanks again.

 

[silicasandra]

What a difficult situation. Since MIL seems to not know much about being Catholic,perhaps treat them both as if they had never been Catholic. It sounds like you spend more time with his family than your own? How do you handle religious conversations with your parents? Or do you just not have any?

You have to decide if you want to side-step all religious discussions, pick and choose your battle, or take them all on. I would recommend picking up on a few of their church’s more obvious errors and starting there. And I would emphasis your happiness in being Catholic.

For example, “we watched some of the World Youth Day activities on EWTN. It was amazing to see a million Catholic youth from all over the world! Imagine what it will be like in 18 years when little Bobby goes!” Your example of praying the rosary in the storm is a great one. Comforting prayers calling on God’s mercy that are hundred of years old!

Of course, never stop praying for them. And inviting them to your parish. For a regular Sunday Mass, for Midnight Mass, for your children’s baptisms and First Holy Communions, etc.

Yes, we spend much more time with DH’s family than mine - my parents and siblings live over 2,000 miles away and all of my other relatives are at least a three-hours-drive away (like my grandparents.) DH’s parents are about 45 minutes away and we see them around once a week.

Regarding religious conversations with my parents…haha, I don’t go there. As I said in my original post, I am a convert. When I told my parents I was converting, my father said he didn’t know that Catholics were Christian. My mother, who is non-religious, said I should do what makes me happy. They’ve attended Mass with me but my father was upfront about saying it was “weird.” It’s better for everyone that it just not come up. We’ve had a lot of fights about it anyhow, so when I visit I go to Mass and let them do whatever.

I feel like talking about this with my MIL could go a lot better. She does ask me genuine questions about my faith, and seems interested in the answers. She does not argue against me with ideas she’s learned in her new church though contradictory things have come up in other conversation. So I think there is potential for her to revert. She has been doing some Bible study, and she will ask me questions about things she reads. I hope that coming to an honest understanding of Scripture will point her back to the Church. However, I could not talk about this with FIL. He is very set in his ways and a hard man to read. So I will tread lightly there.

I really appreciate your other advice. I don’t want to come across as insulting or condescending, but I do want to correct their misunderstandings of the Church and the errors that they have come across in this new church. This seems like a good approach. Thank you!

 

[silicasandra]

I have about 5 girlfriends sworn to go to court and defend our choice of guardian should that happen. They know WHO and why… and we do need to get that down in a will… OMG, the things we put off.

It’s probably time for you husband to have a talk with his parents. He needs to explain to them they need to tone down their religious talk in front of your children. You are raising them Catholic, you have no intentions of changing that. They are soon to be talking “facts”, that will contradict your teachings. And it’s important they know and understand their “facts” will not be allowed around the kids. Nor will you be attending their church events so as not to confuse your kids.

I guess I’m lucky my in laws just aren’t religious at all. ??? But they do make statements all the time they don’t seem to understand.

Ex: A poor family on their 5th kid… And it goes like this, (and infront of my kids) MIL says: You know they are all Catholic (tone to enforce a dig), and refuse to use birthcontrol. And then they want us to feed their kids in public school and give them healthcare…

Red flags anyone???

At which I have to reply, now in front of my children: I’m perfectly aware of the Catholic standing on birth control. I just don’t see why people think it’s the answer. It’s very bad for you body, and not perfect. I think everyone knows how one gets PG, and I call that method… “keep it in your pants.”

So basically, go ahead and be upset that someone dared have children and needs assistance. But realize the way to avoid children is NOT to use ABC, but to control yourself… I mean really, we expect crazy hormonal teenagers to do that… Why not full grown adults?

When your MIL says: I didn’t know that, or they’re ok with people knowing things… Take the opportunity to give her a 5 minute lesson. Oh yeah, they’re totally ok with that. Infact…

When she says… Pastor so and so says… You can say, Wow, Father so and so says… , Or that’s not how I understand it… I’ve learned it means…

I would let the parents know, because of you teaching to your children, the grandparents way wrong info by YOUR faith structure WILL be corrected. It’s up to them to determine if they want their grandchildren told all the time how WRONG they are, or to not say anything.

Bascially, read them their maranda rights. You have the right to remain silent… Anything you say can and will be held against you… (or corrected)

Sorry, it’s not going to be easy. In the same way you might take offense, or be put off by a sister that says, you need to lay off the Catholic talk. we don’t believe in that nonsense…

Thanks, faithfully! These are definitely some good strategies for when our son gets a little older and when we have (hopefully!) a few more children to add to the mix. I think I will try these on my own parents, too - well, more my dad, because he believes some REALLY weird stuff… It all comes down to being firm about our expectations for DS while still honoring and respecting our parents, even knowing they are in error.

 

[GracedUpon]

In regards to potential guardians for your child(ren), do you have anyone else chosen? Have you discussed this matter with the other people? Have you had a will drawn up with a lawyer?

We are in a similar position, except that my in-laws are very faithful Catholics, so they are our #1 choice. I am a convert as well, so neither of my parents are Catholic, and they are not exactly a well-functioning married couple, so we are against my parents ever raising our kids. Our back-up choice, if my in-laws are unable to take our kid(s), is our son’s godparents. It is very important to us that our son and future children be raised Catholic, and homeschooled, which my MIL does, and DS’s godparents intend to do. We discussed this ahead of time with the people we chose, and then had a will drawn up. We didn’t bother to discuss this with my parents, as it would have been likely to lead to hurt feelings, especially for my mom (who gets easily offended).

 

[silicasandra]

In regards to potential guardians for your child(ren), do you have anyone else chosen? Have you discussed this matter with the other people? Have you had a will drawn up with a lawyer?

We are in a similar position, except that my in-laws are very faithful Catholics, so they are our #1 choice. I am a convert as well, so neither of my parents are Catholic, and they are not exactly a well-functioning married couple, so we are against my parents ever raising our kids. Our back-up choice, if my in-laws are unable to take our kid(s), is our son’s godparents. It is very important to us that our son and future children be raised Catholic, and homeschooled, which my MIL does, and DS’s godparents intend to do. We discussed this ahead of time with the people we chose, and then had a will drawn up. We didn’t bother to discuss this with my parents, as it would have been likely to lead to hurt feelings, especially for my mom (who gets easily offended).

We do not have anyone else. Our son’s godparents are not married to each other (they aren’t in any kind of relationship, just to clarify). We don’t really have any friends that are practicing Catholics, either. We are working on it, but it is really hard. There is the possibility that DH’s aunt and uncle could take our child(ren), but we have not discussed this with them and nothing has been written down yet. I think my parents know that it is highly unlikely that our children would go to them, but I haven’t (and don’t plan to) discuss it with them.

Not the best situation for us, but we are praying!