Funeral, disfunctional family and God's will

[cmscms]

As posted earlier my dad just passed away. I am at my mom’s home and and my brother is here and I am going crazy dealing with them

My brother plainly told me that he was preparing a ‘montage’ of picutres of my dad’s life to display at the funeral home. He has been spending all his time doing this which I must admit is a healthy way of dealing with his pain. However, secretly, I was thinking of doing one but since he told me first, I decided to keep it to myself that I wanted to do one and let him do it. I though it would save a fight. When I told him I wanted to give a speech at my dad’s funeral he told me ‘NO’. I resented that he acts like he is the boss and tells me what he was planning on doind but I needed his permission to do something. Then he said well I need to see the speach and I will let you know if you can read it. It just brough back all the memeories of him bossing me around over things that were never any of his business because he use to exercise his controlling power trip on me. And that if I tell a joke I am stupid but if anyone else tells the exact same joke it is hilarious.

I could write a book on all the things we argued about but I am too tired.

So I went to take a nap (it is the only way to avoid them without the guilt trip of being bad for avoiding them). As I was trying to sleep, I prayed to God for strenght on what to do. I ask God how can I be loving yet have reasonable boundaries with someone who is unreasonable. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

A bit of history. My brother has a friend ‘Vince’ who has the most perverted language. The dirty jokes are beyond tasteless and the average secular person would agree with that. I met him once and after some rude comments I politely asked him to clean up his language. Vince ignored me and my brother yelled at me like a street dog for being a prude.

Well, earlier today during one of ou arguments, my brother proceed to lecture me on how wrong I was for asking Vince to clean up his langage. That Vince is one of the most loving people and I will miss out on it because I don’t want to be near his rude language. (My brother is the same man who prides himself for never having sworned at our mom yet sees nothing wrong with men talking dirty to his sister)

So it hit me. My brother needs to believe his friend Vince is loving because my brother needs his deniyal to survive. And since my brother has free will I can not change it

So… the conclusion I am making is

The loving thing is for me to go easy on my brother because altough he is wrong on some things his denial is not 100% his fault. If I need to assert myself choose my moments a bit more wisely

But unfortunately, I am sooooo fed up with him, evertime he walks into a room I am in, I have to refrain from rolling my eyes and putting on a disgusted look. I keep staring at the floor or palying with my watch to avoid eye contact with him because I know the only thing I desire to say is going to cause a fight.

He is probably thinking I am being rude because everytime he says something, unless it requires a direct answer I stay silent. Yet, he is also probably oblivious to all the effort I am making by bitting my tongue.

And one last thing is you have read this far. Earlier today during one of our arguments, he said (And I know his intent was to hurt me) was that he wife would becoming later because she didn’t feel comfortable being around me and wanted to stay in a hotel rather than my mom’s house because of me. And all I could think was ‘Finally, a bit of honesty and respect’. But I didn’t say that to him because in the heat of the moment, it probably would have sounded like I was being a smarty pants. But I genuinly did see it as respectful because it would be setting a healthy boundary ie not too much time under the same roof since we both knew we couldn’t handle it. And moreover, she respected that I was the daughter and she was the daughter in law so she was allowing me to come home to be with my mom. Is it wrong to see what was intended as an insult as a compliment?

Thanks

CM

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Dear cmscms, I have little to offer you. Unfortunately, deaths in the immediate family do frequently bring out the worst in people and bring sibling rivalry up all over again. I think you are doing the best you can to tolerate your brother at a difficult time for both of you. But I also think that if it is important to you, you should stand strong and insist that you speak at the funeral. Does your mother defer to your brother or would she stand up for you? It’s her husband who passed away, correct? So she should get to make the decisions about who speaks, what is said, etc.

Your SIL was not meaning to compliment you, but you are seeing the positive in the situation and not taking it personally. Very mature of you.

I would not tolerate your brother’s friend Vince and if he could not clean up his language around me, I would not allow him to be around me, including at the funeral. It’s too bad your brother is so rude and antagonistic toward you instead of being protective of you. He’s a crude sort of person, isn’t he? I mean your brother, not Vince.

I will put you in my prayers.

God, please give cmscms your peace. May God rest your father’s soul, cmscms.

 

[odile53]

Maybe you could speak with the officiating priest on the side and tell him about the concerns you have about your brother’s language. That way, the priest can provide some adult supervision for his speech.

My heart goes out to you at your time of loss, and you and all your family are in my prayers.

 

[odile53]

^ what Juliane said.

Take a deep breath, and realize that everyone is going to deal with grieving in their own way. Since you described your family as dysfunctional, you pretty much have to go with that assessment. That’s good to know, because it will put you in the position of not being surprised or shocked by anything that happens over the next couple of days.

If you are going to speak at the Mass, tell your brother you submitted your comments to the priest, or liturgical director already, and expect a rant from him. Tune it out as much as you can. As far as the foul-mouthed friend is concerned, I’ve found (when dealing with gossipers) that claiming suddenly remembering an incredibly important task provides me with the escape clause. Then I exit, stage left.

Try to react as little as possible. You’ve just lost your father, too. You need to treat yourself gently, and part of that is avoiding getting sucked into the insanity.

As far as your sister-in-law feeling “uncomfortable” around you, and absenting herself from the family home in that way, I’d just interpret it as a little relief from the pressure cooker of the next few days.

Be there for your mother. She’s going to need it. And be kind to yourself.

You and your family (even the crazy ones) are in my prayers. May God be with you in this time of sadness.

 

[cmscms]

First, I want to say a sincere thank you for your kind reply

Dear cmscms, I have little to offer you. Unfortunately, deaths in the immediate family do frequently bring out the worst in people and bring sibling rivalry up all over again. .

The sad truth of the matter, this isn’t the worst. It is a typical normal interaction in my family of origin and I am so fed up with it, I can’t ‘cut him some slack because my dad died’ because I know it is not uncharacteristic of him and how he always wants to boss me around and insult me

I think you are doing the best you can to tolerate your brother at a difficult time for both of you. But I also think that if it is important to you, you should stand strong and insist that you speak at the funeral. Does your mother defer to your brother or would she stand up for you? It’s her husband who passed away, correct? So she should get to make the decisions about who speaks, what is said, etc…

No, my mother does not see my point. It is typical that no matter how much she agrees with me, the second my brother objects she all of a sudden can not for the world of her ever remember agreeing with me. It is as if she is scared of him and every time I try to reason with her, my brother cashes in on ‘I am simply standing up for mom’ to have his way becase he know she will cave to him

Your SIL was not meaning to compliment you, but you are seeing the positive in the situation and not taking it personally. Very mature of you…

It juse occured to me, I really don’t know how much my SIL does not feel comfortable around me or how much my brother emphasizd that and embelished it to hurt me. My brother even went so far as to say her 18 year old son from her first marriage is not comfortable around me either. I saw him once when he was 8 at a distance on a soccer field and then for a 5 minute car ride to drive him to his fathers Wonder what I did in that short time to make him so uncomfortable

I would not tolerate your brother’s friend Vince and if he could not clean up his language around me, I would not allow him to be around me, including at the funeral. It’s too bad your brother is so rude and antagonistic toward you instead of being protective of you. He’s a crude sort of person, isn’t he? I mean your brother, not Vince…

Yes my brother thinks his crudeness is totally OK because it is funny

I will put you in my prayers.

God, please give cmscms your peace. May God rest your father’s soul, cmscms.

Again a heartfelt and sincere thank you

 

[the_phoenix]

Dear CM,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dear father. I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through.

I am sending my guardian angel to you. :angel1:

It’s quite a spiritual battle, so along with praying for the repose of your father’s soul, I will pray to St. Michael for you.

Sincerely,

the phoenix

 

[cmscms]

Thank you also for you kind reply

If you are going to speak at the Mass, tell your brother you submitted your comments to the priest, or liturgical director already, and expect a rant from him. Tune it out as much as you can. .

No I think I am just going to have to choose my battles on this one and not speak. I will offer the suffering up o God

As far as your sister-in-law feeling “uncomfortable” around you, and absenting herself from the family home in that way, I’d just interpret it as a little relief from the pressure cooker of the next few days. .

I agree 100%. I just want to keep that opinion to myself because if metion it to my brother, it could easily get turne into an argument

You and your family (even the crazy ones) are in my prayers. May God be with you in this time of sadness.

As much as I love people praying for me, perhaps focus more on the ‘crazys’. At this point they might need it more

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you also for you kind reply

No I think I am just going to have to choose my battles on this one and not speak. I will offer the suffering up o God

I agree 100%. I just want to keep that opinion to myself because if metion it to my brother, it could easily get turne into an argument

As much as I love people praying for me, perhaps focus more on the ‘crazys’. At this point they might need it more

I think you are a wise and mature person. You know you can always talk to your father through prayer and he must already know your feelings, and if you still have things to tell him, you can go to his grave and speak to him there.

Your brother sounds like a truly … difficult and messed-up person. Was your father like him, or did your brother dominate the family? Yes, you’re probably right about your mother, she very likely is afraid of him and capitulates to him to keep the peace in some way. I hope that when he is not around, you and your mom have a decent relationship, but if your father was at all like your brother, probably that’s not easy either.

Well, I will continue praying for you and your father. I hope the next few days go as peacefully as possible.

 

[HCW007]

My sincere condolences on the loss of your father.

You, your father and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers during the coming days.

May God grant you the graces you need to get through the next few weeks.