Funny Mass memories

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It was Christmas Mass at 9AM a few years back. My oldest was about 4 and a half years old and wiggling around quite a bit in the pew. We always sit in the front and so I could feel the eyes on the back of my head as he bounced around. Finally, I grabbed him firmly by the arm and told him that if he didn’t behave right now, he would be “the last one to open presents.” Amazingly, this did the trick. He became quiet and still almost immediately. I sat there feeling much better at having won the battle and quite proud of my parenting prowess. Until moments later, I was interrupted by the same child tugging on my sleeve. I leaned over so he could whisper in my ear only to hear him say, “Hey Dad, the last shall be first and the first shall be last.”
 
Well, there was one funny moment 40 years ago when I was very young. My mother and I were at Most Holy Trinity Church in Detroit (back when Fr. Clement Kern was the pastor).

The priest was using incense - lots of incense, which was billowing up in plumes. I turned and asked my mother in a normal speaking voice, “Is that the ‘holy smoke!’ you’re always talking about?”

That got a few giggles.
 
Gosh, there are so many incidents… here are two, off the top of my head.

The first is a variation of AFarmer’s contribution, and it’s one I didn’t actually experience firsthand, but have heard about a number of times since joining the Abbey. Several years ago, while reading an account of the life of St. Thomas Aquinas during dinner at the refectory, one of our older monks used the same mispronunciation when describing Thomas’ brave expulsion of the temptress from his quarters. The mental image of the portly saint chasing a scantily-clad woman not with a flaming brazier but with a burning and smoking article of lingerie… yeah that’s just good comedy.

Hmm actually I guess that didn’t happen during Mass, sorry… but this one did. My former pastor, an old-school Jesuit, would often give “directions” to parishioners regarding their return to their pews following Holy Communion. The Church was very small, without side isles. His brief monologue, given just before the distribution of Communion to the clerical party, usually went something like: “Those nearest the aisle, upon exiting it, are to step back and allow those nearest the window to receive first, thereby allowing an orderly transition back to the pews.” One morning he accidentally (we think) changed one of the words, and we laughed as we were commanded to effect an “orderly transgression” back to our seats. It’s funnier 'cause he’s a Jesuit. 🙂
 
Beno said:
Most of the threads here are pretty weighty. How about sharing some light-hearted stories of funny things that have happened at Mass? 🙂
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A very young girl was not her best at Mass. Her mother struggled to keep her quite during the first part of the Mass and readings. Finally when the priest started his homily, the little girl lost all control and her mother was truly upset. Seated near the front, the woman had no choice but to get up and attempt to depart out of the Church through the double glass doors.

The little girl now knowing that she was in serious trouble, grad the door as the mother open it and with the loudest voice ever heard in the church shouted - please pray for me.
 
Beno said:
Most of the threads here are pretty weighty. How about sharing some light-hearted stories of funny things that have happened at Mass? 🙂
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I was visiting a Church in North Carolina and attended the Christmas vigil Mass for children. The priest called all the little ones and ask them questions concerning Christmas, Christ birth and traditions, He ask on little boy what his family would do tonight. The little boy said - drink beer.
 
I remebered another one.

During a scripture reading at Mass, one of our young lectors was reading from the old testament story that foretells Jesus’ passion. She read that “he did not shield his face from buffets and spitting.” You guessed it, she pronounced buffets as in the word meaning an ample selection of food at a help yourself restaurant. I can see it now; Jesus at a really, really bad restaurant!
 
My father loves to tell the story of my bapistism.

The priest said something along the lines of go out spread the word of God. At the moment i woke up and started crying. The priest then said “not so loudly”.
 
My family went to Christmas Vigil Mass, it was so crowded that myself and 3 of my brothers sat behind Mom and Dad and my 2 youngest brothers. During the Liturgy of the Eucharist my dad got the worst case of the hiccups. It was so loud that every time he hicupped this loud noise came from my dad and we tried so hard to hold in our laughter. You know where your head and shoulders are bobbing, we had coats on so all of us were pouring sweat and when one laughed we all laughed. He was so mad, turned around to give us the eye and out came another hiccup … we lost it again. We were in the middle of the row, kneeling so he just couldn’t get up and leave.

We still crack up when we talk about it.
 
My grandma told me this one. Once a long time ago she and a friend were at a Pontifical Mass, and as the bishop passed by them her friend’s little boy exclaimed “Mommy, look at the king!”
 
A few weeks ago we were having a “children’s” mass and our pastor had all the kids sitting up around him while he was giving the homily. My 6yo son doesn’t like to go sit so he just stayed put next to me - in the front pew. My 6yo also has Type1 diabetes…this is important.

So Father is asking the kids questions, and i don’t remember where he was going with it, but he was asking things like “how would you feel is you shared a toy? Happy or sad?” “how would you feel is you took the last cookie and your brother wanted it? Happy or sad?” and then “how would you feel is you ate all the candy and didn’t share with anyone?” happy or sad" My son leans over and whispers to me in this very serious tone without missing a beat “really High” . (meaning, his blood sugar would be really high) I almost wish he had said it out loud cause his timing was so funny.
 
Sometimes before mass, the electronics guys turn on our priest’s microhone clip thingy to early, and we here him walking around outside the sanctuary talking to everyone. So, by the time mass starts, we have that all knowing inside-joke look on our faces and he doesn’t know whats going on.

Then one time I took my cousins to a daily mass which about 40 people attended. We were all standing during the first part, and this five year old was infront of us with her mother and sister. Out of nowhere, the five year old draws her hand back, and with a lot of noise and force, smacks her mother on the rear. I heard my cousin snicker, and it took all of my will power not to explode into a fit of maniacle laughter.
 
I once heard a priest tell this story about himself. This apparently happened when the portable mikes were first being used in chuch. One morning right before mass, he clipped on the mike, & turned it on. He then decided that he needed to use the restroom right before mass. He forgot to turn the mike OFF before using the facilities, so EVERYONE in church KNEW what Fr. had to do right before mass…

He said it was one big lesson in humility.😃
 
Stop me if I’ve told this one before…
I was at a Mass some years ago which was being concelebrated by about 20 or so priests at a very large cathedral. I forget the occasion, but there was a double choir, a whole host of servers, deacons, then the priests and finally the cardinal all processing up to the sanctuary accompanied by the most heavenly chanting and huge clouds of incense…the works. When the company had finally assembled on the sanctuary the singing stopped, and in that pause a child’s voice behind me said: which one’s Jesus?
 
I saw a toddler attempt to climb a life-sized saint statue, as if it were a Mayor McCheese figure at McDonalds’ playland.

Another time, at my parents’ church, the altar boy was trying to light a candle on the Advent Wreath and instead he set the wreath on fire. They had to evacuate the church. I refer to this incident as the conflagration in the congregation.
 
Mass many years ago. Everyone standing while singing the Gloria. Elderly man in the pew in front of us sneezed. His dentures flew to the aisle. He hurriedly picked it up. Everyone tried to keep a straight face. 😃
 
Larry1700 said:
Sad, but still funny.

During the Eucharistic blessing, while everyone was silent, someone’s phone began ringing “Yellow Rose of Texas”. We figured it must belong to one of the Eucharistic ministers, because it played all the way through – nobody turned it off!
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Not too long ago, I was at a mass when that happened and the priest looked over to the guilty party and said “if that’s God calling, tell Him I’m busy.”
 
Our lovely old church building was renovated a few years ago, including a most up-to-date alarm system.

A couple of years ago, at the Christmas midnight Mass, the rich use of incense caused the smoke alarm to go off, right in the middle of the homily.

A pleasant woman’s voice, drowning Father out, informed us that the fire department had been called, and began to give us directions for evacuating the building.

As the deacon ran for the phone, Father said, “We’ll just let the nice lady finish what she’s saying, and then go on.”
 
ora_pro_nobis said:
Stop me if I’ve told this one before…
I was at a Mass some years ago which was being concelebrated by about 20 or so priests at a very large cathedral. I forget the occasion, but there was a double choir, a whole host of servers, deacons, then the priests and finally the cardinal all processing up to the sanctuary accompanied by the most heavenly chanting and huge clouds of incense…the works. When the company had finally assembled on the sanctuary the singing stopped, and in that pause a child’s voice behind me said: which one’s Jesus?
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I just have to chime in on this one. My 2 1/2 yr. old daughter did almost the same thing (many moons ago as now she is grown with a family of her own)

It was just the beginning of mass and the priest and servers were processing up the middle isle, when my dear little angel said to me (NOT in her “quiet” voice) "Mommy, where’s JESUS? IS THAT HIM? (pointing to the priest walking by) I reminded her to use her whisper voice and told her no, Jesus in church with us but it’s hard for us to see Him with our Human Eyes. All of a sudden after the opening hymn was finished and the church was quiet, she said (again NOT in her quiet voice) UH OH, THERE HE IS MOMMY, HE’S STUCK UP THERE AGAIN AS USUAL! You could see people’s shoulders shaking as they were laughing silently all over the church. Unfortunately (in this situation) she was very articulate already in her speech, the whole church heard clearly what she said. Ah, the joys of taking babies to church!!😃

Tee
 
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