Furious at girlfriend's mom

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As some of you know, I’m in a relationship with a girl (she’s 27) who is currently unemployed and currently living with her parents as a result and who lives about 1.5 hours away. She’s been in Chicago visiting family the past couple of weeks and is on her way home today. That’s the good news. The last time we saw one another was the last weekend in February, about three weeks ago. The last time we saw one another we planned to see each other this coming weekend (March 19-21) and then again next weekend (26-28).

Now comes the bad news and the reason for this post. We planned to spend Easter weekend together, going to prayers, services and Easter Mass. She said that she had to be in Chicago by April 11 for her future sister-in-law’s bridal shower, and I will be out of town (on vacation with family) the next two weekends. So, after Easter, it could very well be a while before we see one another again.

She told her mom about Easter, and her mom was all excited about it, glad that we’d be getting to spend that time together. Her parents really seem to like me – and I like them…or did. I’m now at a point where I’d rather never speak to her mom again.

You see, her mom has a habit of changing her mind. A lot. For example, my girlfriend rode up to Chicago with her mom because my girlfriend doesn’t drive long distances like that (10+ hours). Her mom originally said, “We’re going home Monday.” Monday became Tuesday, Tuesday became Wednesday, Wednesday became… You see? I was expecting my girlfriend to call and say, “We’re not coming home until Sunday,” thereby cancelling our plans for this weekend. (Luckily that didn’t happen!)

My girlfriend’s mom **originally **told my girlfriend this past weekend that they’d be leaving for Chicago (again) (for the bridal shower on April 11th) on Easter Sunday or the Monday after. Now, as of last night, they’re leaving Holy Thursday.

I’m beside myself. I really am. And I don’t get like this easily!

While I can accept the fact that I may not get to see my girlfriend for a month, I think it’s shameful how my girlfriend’s mom is making my girlfriend decide between seeing me at Easter (and then spending the next few weeks at home alone) and thereby missing the future sister-in-law’s bridal shower or cancel our plans and go to Chicago. Not only that, but what’s the rush? Really, the bridal shower isn’t until April 11! Why leave 10 days ahead?

Anyway, I’m not going to be selfish. There’s no ring on my girlfriend’s finger. I have no right to her. It doesn’t make me happy that we’re forced to change our plans (plans which her mom originally was excited about!), but what can I do? Nothing. So, I’m going to tell my girlfriend to go to Chicago and I’ll see her when I see her in May, I guess.
 
While a person is finanacially dependant on their parents, they are not free to do what they choose.

Perhaps you could buy her a bus ticket to come see you?
 
You’re forgetting the golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. If your girlfriend doesn’t want to go along with other people’s schedules then she needs to get out, find a job, and support herself. If she doesn’t want to wait on a ride she can always take a greyhound.
 
I agree with the others…

Maybe her mom wants to spend time with the family in Chicago… so she’s motivated to be there… and if she’s driving, her daughter has just that one time to hop a ride. I doubt she’s changed her plans JUST because of you… probably more story behind her motivation.

If your girlfriend is motivated to spend time with you then she needs to find some other way of getting to Chicago for the shower.

Now, you’re right in being aware of personalities… yes, her mother may be the type that changes her mind all the time. Are you willing to make this relationship work given the full picture? With dating/engagement/marriage comes the entire family… are you willing to be understanding and compromising given these conditions? If not, consider it “part” of your dating relationship… when you get to know all the nitty-gritty details of a persons life. Take it or leave it…

Good luck… I know it’s not easy to be away from someone you care for…
 
Well I think this issue is less about your girlfriend’s mom and more about your girlfriend.
Grown women make their own travel plans and are in control of their own schedule. Period. This is showing an underlying problem of independence, in my opinion.

Now, her mom may be mean and manipulative or this may just be an issue with her needing to change plans and not realizing how devastating it is to you. Either way, it shouldn’t matter because your girlfriend is an adult, sovereign person. Now I know that you have mentioned your girlfriend having some issues with a learning disability, but that is only a hindrance in the way she processes some information, not something that makes her a child. This sounds like a parent/child issue that I haven’t seen since I was in high school to be honest.
 
When I went through Engaged Encounter, the subject of holidays and who spends time where was addressed. This is a huge sticky wicket for many young couples (including us). Families often feel “entitled” to have the holidays with their children…even when said children have grown and married.

Is there any way you can break away from your family vacation, maybe one weekend instead of two? I think that sends a message of where you prioritize your gf, and hopefully she will respond in kind.

As for your gf’s mother: I mean this with all charity: get used to it, or start thinking of ways to address it. If you become engaged, now you will already have a good idea of a “priority issue” to work on. At least you had fair warning, and can move forward appropriately.
 
MercyMia said:
Well I think this issue is less about your girlfriend’s mom and more about your girlfriend.
Grown women make their own travel plans and are in control of their own schedule. Period. This is showing an underlying problem of independence, in my opinion.

Now, her mom may be mean and manipulative or this may just be an issue with her needing to change plans and not realizing how devastating it is to you. Either way, it shouldn’t matter because your girlfriend is an adult, sovereign person. Now I know that you have mentioned your girlfriend having some issues with a learning disability, but that is only a hindrance in the way she processes some information, not something that makes her a child. This sounds like a parent/child issue that I haven’t seen since I was in high school to be honest.
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Yeah, I know. It’s complicated.
 
Hmmm. OK, so per usual, I step away from something and a whole new thought pops in my head 😃

Do you think “mom” is perhaps acknoweldging that this relationship is serious, and the mohter-daughter relationship may change very soon? You say she was delighted to hear you were visiting for Easter…perhaps she went to bed that night and said “He is visiting for Easter. My goodness, this is serious.” She knows the days of having her daughter at her disposal are waning; perhaps she is trying to squeeze the most in now that she can? The upcoming wedding is an excellent (and somewhat fair) excuse to monopolize her daughter’s time.

Some moms have a very hard time letting go.
 
All I will say is that if you and this young lady get married, you had better get used to this behavior and know how to handle it.

I’m sorry you’re so disappointed but maybe the mom just wasn’t thinking when she changed her plans.
 
get to know these parents well now, because this is what you will be dealing with when and if you marry this person. YOu already know she can’t say know to her mom, and that she has voluntarily put herself back into a dependent parent-child relationship. That is her issue, not yours, but you should see the red lights flashing.

However since you are not married or engaged, you have no right to put any claims on her time other than the simple courtesies and civilities of friendship–keeping appointments, calling when there is a delay etc. She also has demands of civility toward her family, and when there are conflicts, how you resolve them is going to be one basis for the health of your relationship. It is up to her to set her own priorities, manage her own life and schedule, neither you or her mother should be doing it for her.
 
Epistemes said:
While I can accept the fact that I may not get to see my girlfriend for a month, I think it’s shameful how my girlfriend’s mom is making my girlfriend decide between seeing me at Easter (and then spending the next few weeks at home alone) and thereby missing the future sister-in-law’s bridal shower or cancel our plans and go to Chicago. Not only that, but what’s the rush? Really, the bridal shower isn’t until April 11! Why leave 10 days ahead?
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You are angry at the wrong person. Your girlfriend is 27 years old. She has chosen to follow her mother rather than be with you.

I think the two of you should have a long talk about this.

Peace

Tim
 
Why don’t you drive her there yourself? Or get her a bus ticket? Or drive for 3 hours a few times a week to see her regularly? I just don’t understand why you see her so rarely when she lives so close! My one way DAILY commute is nearly 1.5 hours…
 
I see a rigidity here that is death to a relationship.

You have to understand your choice of this girl was influenced in part by her being sheltered and dependent. For some reason you were attracted to that. You have to take the good with the bad. You like someone who has close loyal relationships with people in her world. You reap the rewards of that someday in a wife. But the downside is she will feel loyal and attached to her family of origin. Forever. And she won’t see it as a choice between you and them. Only a cruel man would demand that.

You have been away from your family for a time. You are more independent. Just because you seem to have chosen her at this point doesn’t mean she’s all of a sudden on the same page as you are.

When you marry someone who has not lived on her own yet, it takes YEARS for her to end up at the stage of independence you were at when you met her. If you don’t have that patience, then let go now. Do not make her life the hell my xh made mine. He wanted the sweet sheltered girl he led from her parents’ home to his. Then he wanted me overnight to be on the same page he was after living away from his mother for 8 years.

And he sat and blamed my family and grew to resent them and was ANGRY (your word there… it’s a flashing red light) at my mother. (Not that he knew what a mother/daughter relationship looked like. He was an only child and had little contact with mothers and daughters.) The problem was he was not patient at all. Eventually I became very independent. But it took a few years of living overseas with him, having children and growing in my own sense of self confidence. By that time he had spent years ranting about my family and my loyalty to them and abusing me with his anger and making it so that the marriage was over.

A mother and daughter’s relationship, especially if she’s unmarried, is very different from a mother and son’s. You accusing the mother of changing her mind all the time… you’re building walls to honesty and union. You’re going to end up forcing your GF to take sides. Even your silent hostility and anger will shine through bright as day. Don’t be sure she won’t choose the mother who has taken care of her for 27 years over the guy who seems to lack patience. She doesn’t want to be the rope in a tug of war. You need to find a way to handle this smartly. Not being “furious” or caring never to talk to someone again. That’s an inappropriate amount of rage for the situation.

In real life, plans change. Things come up. Life isn’t set in stone. Maybe they will go up 10 days beforehand because they need GF’s mom’s help to plan the shower. Or maybe there are other relatives there who will be in town whom they want to see. After all, 2 weeks will go by without seeing her because YOU want to see YOUR family. She has a family too. She’s not pitching a fit because of YOUR family visitation schedule.

Don’t make this a contest between a maybe boyfriend who might go somewhere and insulting a soon-to-be in-law. Weddings are big events for families. The regard and importance they’re giving to this event and the people involved indicates how YOU might be treated someday.

But if you’re already getting angry and using words like “shameful” maybe you should end it. No new bride needs that level of stress as she’s renegotiating her new identity in life as a wife after being a daughter all those years. It doesn’t happen magically overnight. Especially for one with any form of disability at all. That will take more patience on your part than you seem to show. Do her a favor and leave her to a man who can understand. I’ve been the new bride listening to “furious” rants about my family. In the end HE abandoned ME, and that “family” he hated was what kept me going. (He also threw his own mother out on the street. The issue really was HIM, not my family.) No, you don’t have a ring on her finger or any rights to monopolize all her time. But she is seeing how YOU handle the unexpected, and people you can’t control (like her mother) and maybe your control issues are serious enough that they’re making you label people who may be quite innocent with names they don’t deserve.

Just the point of view of someone who had to deal with the girl’s side of the story. You can’t control everyone in your world. They have their own schedules, their own quirks, their own needs, their own changes of mind and changes in plan. It’s what happens when you deal with extended family. If you can’t negotiate that with adults, how will you manage with children?

Think really hard about the implications of all this. Be fair to her and adjust your attitude and show patience and understanding. If you don’t have that to give in the short run, you won’t have it for the long haul.
 
Orogeny said:
You are angry at the wrong person. Your girlfriend is 27 years old. She has chosen to follow her mother rather than be with you.

I think the two of you should have a long talk about this.

Peace

Tim
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Bingo!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I see a rigidity here that is death to a relationship.

You have to understand your choice of this girl was influenced in part by her being sheltered and dependent. For some reason you were attracted to that. You have to take the good with the bad. You like someone who has close loyal relationships with people in her world. You reap the rewards of that someday in a wife. But the downside is she will feel loyal and attached to her family of origin. Forever. And she won’t see it as a choice between you and them. Only a cruel man would demand that.

You have been away from your family for a time. You are more independent. Just because you seem to have chosen her at this point doesn’t mean she’s all of a sudden on the same page as you are.

When you marry someone who has not lived on her own yet, it takes YEARS for her to end up at the stage of independence you were at when you met her. If you don’t have that patience, then let go now. Do not make her life the hell my xh made mine. He wanted the sweet sheltered girl he led from her parents’ home to his. Then he wanted me overnight to be on the same page he was after living away from his mother for 8 years.

And he sat and blamed my family and grew to resent them and was ANGRY (your word there… it’s a flashing red light) at my mother. (Not that he knew what a mother/daughter relationship looked like. He was an only child and had little contact with mothers and daughters.) The problem was he was not patient at all. Eventually I became very independent. But it took a few years of living overseas with him, having children and growing in my own sense of self confidence. By that time he had spent years ranting about my family and my loyalty to them and abusing me with his anger and making it so that the marriage was over.

A mother and daughter’s relationship, especially if she’s unmarried, is very different from a mother and son’s. You accusing the mother of changing her mind all the time… you’re building walls to honesty and union. You’re going to end up forcing your GF to take sides. Even your silent hostility and anger will shine through bright as day. Don’t be sure she won’t choose the mother who has taken care of her for 27 years over the guy who seems to lack patience. She doesn’t want to be the rope in a tug of war. You need to find a way to handle this smartly. Not being “furious” or caring never to talk to someone again. That’s an inappropriate amount of rage for the situation.

In real life, plans change. Things come up. Life isn’t set in stone. Maybe they will go up 10 days beforehand because they need GF’s mom’s help to plan the shower. Or maybe there are other relatives there who will be in town whom they want to see. After all, 2 weeks will go by without seeing her because YOU want to see YOUR family. She has a family too. She’s not pitching a fit because of YOUR family visitation schedule.

Don’t make this a contest between a maybe boyfriend who might go somewhere and insulting a soon-to-be in-law. Weddings are big events for families. The regard and importance they’re giving to this event and the people involved indicates how YOU might be treated someday.

But if you’re already getting angry and using words like “shameful” maybe you should end it. No new bride needs that level of stress as she’s renegotiating her new identity in life as a wife after being a daughter all those years. It doesn’t happen magically overnight. Especially for one with any form of disability at all. That will take more patience on your part than you seem to show. Do her a favor and leave her to a man who can understand. I’ve been the new bride listening to “furious” rants about my family. In the end HE abandoned ME, and that “family” he hated was what kept me going. (He also threw his own mother out on the street. The issue really was HIM, not my family.) No, you don’t have a ring on her finger or any rights to monopolize all her time. But she is seeing how YOU handle the unexpected, and people you can’t control (like her mother) and maybe your control issues are serious enough that they’re making you label people who may be quite innocent with names they don’t deserve.

Just the point of view of someone who had to deal with the girl’s side of the story. You can’t control everyone in your world. They have their own schedules, their own quirks, their own needs, their own changes of mind and changes in plan. It’s what happens when you deal with extended family. If you can’t negotiate that with adults, how will you manage with children?

Think really hard about the implications of all this. Be fair to her and adjust your attitude and show patience and understanding. If you don’t have that to give in the short run, you won’t have it for the long haul.
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Liberanosamalo - Can you just get it over with and write a book already - you are spot on every time. The world could benefit 🙂
 
Just go spend time with them - which might be what Mom is quietly saying in a motherly way - she is kind of manipulating her daughter out of an occasion of sin which is still her right as her dd is financially dependent on her. Go see them if you are welcome.
 
When I was dating as a young adult I would have found a way to see the man I loved. I really think the mom should not be blamed. Sounds like the girlfriend isn’t yet independent even though she’s been an adult for years. I think that’s the main issue here.

Well, all that being said, hope it works out for you two.
 
Yep… I have a few friends who lives at home until … 28 ish… and they were always independent of their parents in terms of plans. Especially when it came to someone they were interested in. She isn’t making enough of an effort. Although it is still somewhat early in the relationship…
 
MercyMia said:
Liberanosamalo - Can you just get it over with and write a book already - you are spot on every time. The world could benefit 🙂
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I agree - Liberanos is amazing, an awesome specimen, and should take pity on the rest of us and write a book! :D:thumbsup:
 
BTW- as far as your question as to why the sister of the bride and the mother of the bride should be there ten days ahead:

Well here is a list:
  1. Last minute preparations for the wedding
  2. Last minute fittings
  3. Last minute bridal party gifts
  4. Last minute reception issues
  5. Time in prayer in discernment
  6. Nerves, nerves, nerves
  7. See 6
  8. Coordinating to get out of town guests to proper hotels etc with limited transportation
  9. Coordinating with grooms family before things really get hectic
If you have never been a part of this trust me - it is hectic.
 
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