Future Divorce

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RaleighCatholic

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My wife and I are both practicing Catholics. We’ve been married over 20 years. She has told me that when our children are out of the house she will divorce me. I’m not sure what grounds she intends to use but that’s what she stated. I guess any more you don’t really need a reason.

She is not willing to participate in any marriage counseling. We did it once several years ago and I was accused of winning the councilor over to my side.

I have an appointment with our Parish Priest but I thought I’d get some (name removed by moderator)ut from others.

Any thoughts on what to do?
 
Aside from all sacramental and spiritual considerations, fight HARD to keep the marriage together. Fight REALLY hard. And MEAN it.

The one who wants the divorce tends to fare less well in any settlement, and with the dice already loaded in favor of the woman, you need to be clear that you do not want the divorce.
 
Good advice. I asked her if she wanted to speak w/our priest first so she could discuss her plans. She has declined.

I’m actually worried on several fronts.
  1. It’s my job as her spouse to help her get into heaven. Am I failing here? If she divorces me and doesn’t remarry then has she sinned? I’m not sure but I’m thinking there are duties as a wife she would not be fulfilling that keep her from Christ. I’m thinking that this is my responsibility.
  2. I think there are deeper problems that need to be addressed and am worried that she is suffering needlessly. I would like her to be healthy and whole. She will seek no assistance as she believes the problems are all mine.
  3. I’m distressed on how this will affect our children.
  4. I’m concerned, as a self-employed person, that this will ruin us financially as we close on retirement.
  5. I’m really bummed in a selfish way because we are blessed with great kids and no financial burdens right now. We should be really enjoying our blessings and focusing on how we can help others.
Sin sucks!
 
I forgot to mention in my earlier post: you could pray for St. Monica’s intercession. Visit the St. Monica’s thread (it’s a sticky at the top of the Family Life page) if you like – it says praying for husbands but there are husbands there who are praying for their wives too!

Note: my answers below come from my own common sense and experiences, though I am not divorced and have not been married as long as you. (I don’t know if they’ll help…)
RaleighCatholic said:
Good advice. I asked her if she wanted to speak w/our priest first so she could discuss her plans. She has declined.

I’m actually worried on several fronts.
  1. It’s my job as her spouse to help her get into heaven. Am I failing here? If she divorces me and doesn’t remarry then has she sinned? I’m not sure but I’m thinking there are duties as a wife she would not be fulfilling that keep her from Christ. I’m thinking that this is my responsibility.
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It seems to me that if you’re doing your absolute best to be a loving, faithful spouse, then that’s all you can do. Keep doing all you can as her husband in the sacrament of marriage, but ultimately it is her responsibility to choose Christ or not, you know?
RaleighCatholic said:
  1. I think there are deeper problems that need to be addressed and am worried that she is suffering needlessly. I would like her to be healthy and whole. She will seek no assistance as she believes the problems are all mine.
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Might you be able to enlist the help of a relative or close friend? Perhaps they too have noticed a change in her but don’t know how to approach her. Maybe hearing it from someone other than you would help her see she needs some counseling or whatever (if that’s what she needs).
RaleighCatholic said:
  1. I’m distressed on how this will affect our children.
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Love them and pray for them like crazy. I don’t know what else you can do at this point.
RaleighCatholic said:
  1. I’m concerned, as a self-employed person, that this will ruin us financially as we close on retirement.
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Sorry, no advice here (but I’m sure someone else will have some!).
RaleighCatholic said:
  1. I’m really bummed in a selfish way because we are blessed with great kids and no financial burdens right now. We should be really enjoying our blessings and focusing on how we can help others.
Sin sucks!
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Have you said this to her? Maybe reminding her of all your blessings will help her out of whatever place she’s stuck in.
 
Belle10 said:
I think fedge is replacing a less-than-courteous word. :rolleyes:

“Jacked up” means messed up.
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Yeah…umm…
I don’t really talk like that unless things are SERIOUSLY messed up…

And a wife saying that…its heartbreaking and…just…screwed up!
 
She has had a pattern of shutting people out that she has a problem with. For example, she had a good family friend that made some comment about one of our kids. After that, instead of discussing it with them she just stopped communicating with them.

Another person has been a friend for many years and sees the same behaviour pattern. This friend is reticent about making direct comments for fear of the end of communication. This person too has reminded my wife of all her blessings but it just doesn’t seem to matter.

How do you show a woman you love her when nothing seems to make any difference to her?

Flowers are a waste of money
Jewelry she wont wear
Hormone imbalance means no sex drive
Love notes are just words
Doing chores is nothing special - it has to get done anyway
Dates nights are an inconvenience

It’s frustrating just reading what I’ve written.
 
How old are your children? Are any old enough to notice her changes? I had a cousin push and hold his mom to the wall when she was out of control and he told her quite loudly “We are your family, we will always love you and never abandon you so stop this acting out”. From t hat point on, she mellowed out and changed her actions (I guess one’s own child can set you straight). This is just a thought though.
 
RaleighCatholic said:
She has had a pattern of shutting people out that she has a problem with. For example, she had a good family friend that made some comment about one of our kids. After that, instead of discussing it with them she just stopped communicating with them.

Another person has been a friend for many years and sees the same behaviour pattern. This friend is reticent about making direct comments for fear of the end of communication. This person too has reminded my wife of all her blessings but it just doesn’t seem to matter.

How do you show a woman you love her when nothing seems to make any difference to her?

Flowers are a waste of money
Jewelry she wont wear
Hormone imbalance means no sex drive
Love notes are just words
Doing chores is nothing special - it has to get done anyway
Dates nights are an inconvenience

It’s frustrating just reading what I’ve written.
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Hormone imbalance?

When was the last time she had a checkup?
 
gmarie21 said:
How old are your children? Are any old enough to notice her changes? I had a cousin push and hold his mom to the wall when she was out of control and he told her quite loudly “We are your family, we will always love you and never abandon you so stop this acting out”. From t hat point on, she mellowed out and changed her actions (I guess one’s own child can set you straight). This is just a thought though.
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One in college and one in grade school. They both are well aware of mom’s temper and generally stear clear. The older one as made comments (teenager type comments) and I don’t let them stand. While she may not like me she adores the children and bends over backward to help them succeed.
 
mercygate said:
Hormone imbalance?

When was the last time she had a checkup?
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Thats what I’m wondering. I know my mother had a REALLY hard time emotional with everything for years till she got on some hormone cream.
 
mercygate said:
Hormone imbalance?

When was the last time she had a checkup?
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In the last year. She spoke to the doctor several years ago about the loss of sex drive and they said she had a hormone imbalance. The therapy had a cancer risk and she didn’t feel comfortable with it. Neither did I actually. I didn’t think it would ever come to this though.
 
Any chance she is seeing someone else?

Wives don’t just blurt these things out of the blue.

I’d suggest you do some diligent searching of what is going on in her life.

Does she work? If so, has she been working ‘late’ alot?

Has she been going out with the ‘girls’?

Take a peek at her cell activity.

Be sure you are not fighting another man before you devise a gameplan.

P.S.

Has she used these words “I love you but not in that way”?
 
Sounds like your wife needs to see a doctor and/or counselor and/or priest, and the sooner the better.

I understand your hesitation at confronting her, but I think that’s the only thing that will save your marriage. Tell her you love her and want to help her get through whatever she’s going through, and if that means tough-love and insisting upon counseling/seeing a doctor/seeing a priest/all of this then that’s what you’ll do for the good of your family. Remind her that if you were having the physical/emotional/spiritual issues it appears that she’s having, you would expect her to help pull you out and back into a healthy place, healthy marriage, healthy family, and so you will do the same. (And of course, say all of this in a very loving way, not a demanding way.)
 
RaleighCatholic said:
If she divorces me and doesn’t remarry then has she sinned?
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Civil divorce and NOT remarrying doesn’t necessarily entail sin if the marriage is out-of-control and a spouse has no other way to avoid abuse. However, if a spouse simply doesn’t want to put effort into healing his/her marriage and sees divorce as an easy way out, I would say there is sin in that due to pride and breaking wedding vows.

Children are affected badly by divorce even after they have moved out, though probably not as much so. Nobody likes to see their parents on bad terms (and it is awkward to split up holiday visits–I say that from experience with my hubby’s family).

It’s hard to give advice when we don’t know the ins and outs of your situation (not that you have to give us any details). But I will pray for you and your wife.
 
iamrefreshed said:
Any chance she is seeing someone else?

Wives don’t just blurt these things out of the blue.

I’d suggest you do some diligent searching of what is going on in her life.

Does she work? If so, has she been working ‘late’ alot?

Has she been going out with the ‘girls’?

Take a peek at her cell activity.

Be sure you are not fighting another man before you devise a gameplan.

P.S.

Has she used these words “I love you but not in that way”?
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No to all the above. I’d be suprised where she’d find the time. She has devoted herself to the kids. Perhaps too much so. I gave her the book “A Mother’s Rule of Life: How to Bring Order to Your Home and Peace to Your Soul” for Mothers Day because I think she neglects herself.

Thanks anyway for the the thoughts.
 
Perhaps pick up a copy of “The Personality God Gave You” and “The Four Love Languages”.
 
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