Future In-Laws are Disruptive at Mass!

[mandajane]

Pretty much what it says on the tin.

I have been to mass with my FH many many times, and with his parents once or twice.

Saturday night I attended the Easter Vigil with him, his parents, and all 7 of his siblings (ages 25 to 14).

I was shocked by how disruptive they were to the service. They literally spoke through EVERYTHING to each other. They repeatedly tried to engage me in conversation (even during the opening processional and the homily!), and became offended when I asked if we could wait to chat till after mass. As it was, I ended up going to an early mass on Easter morning since I felt like I was unable to be truly present for the Easter Vigil.

I found out today that FH’s mother and sisters all think I’m “holier than thou” and a B, now, because I wouldn’t talk with them about who was sitting with whom and snark at the ‘easter and christmas’ catholics.

I am not sure how to handle this situation. I feel like if I say anything to them, I’ll just come off as rude. FH refuses to say anything to them because that’s “just how they are”. But if NOTHING is said then I am looking at a lifetime of gossip during the eucharist! Gah.

Thanks for your advice in advance.

 

[garn9173]

Your fiance needs to drop the hammer on his family and advise them that when you attend Mass with his family, you aren’t going to put up with it. Sorry to be blunt, but If he doesn’t drop the hammer now, if your future in-laws thought it would be appropriate to be disruptive during the most Holiest of nights, imagine what your wedding cermony is going to be like.

 

[agnes_therese]

Your fiance needs to drop the hammer on his family and advise them that when you attend Mass with his family, you aren’t going to put up with it. Sorry to be blunt, but If he doesn’t drop the hammer now, if your future in-laws thought it would be appropriate to be disruptive during the most Holiest of nights, imagine what your wedding cermony is going to be like.

This. And just to re-emphasize: “your fiance needs to drop the hammer . . .” They need to know, from him, that this behavior will not be tolerated at your wedding. And he also needs to put his foot regarding them talking about you behind your back.

 

[jannes]

On Easter Sunday I sat in front of two women who done the same thing even after I and a couple of others made pointed looks at them . one man two rows in front deliberately turned round and stared them down they just kept on chattering like they were in Walmart .Very dsitracting I find other familiies arrive at the Church and start hollering hellos and hugging and yelling Inside the foyer and the noise carries right down to the front pew , many people use the time before Mass for private prayer and contemplation and its like having the local cheerleading team in the foyer… can they not do this stuff in the parking lot ?The older folks are the worst of this lot they go on like they havent seen each other in ten years . I don’t know if mentioning this behaviour to the priest and ask ing him to make a gentle suggestion from the pulpit that silence is golden specially in a church setting ,do you think they\d get the message ?

 

[PatriceA]

I think I’d be a little concerned about my FH’s response, if it was me. This could really be a red flag. Again, if it was me, I’d be doing some serious discernment about my future inlaws, their behavior even outside the mass, and how they think of nothing of calling you derogatory names. What kind of family calls their future inlaw the “B” word?? What is going to happen when you have children? Did your fiance say anything else about the situation other than “that’s just the way they are”? That’s true to a certain extent, but did he support your point of view? Are you expected to be members of the same parish in the future? He’s right, they’re probably not going to change, but that doesn’t mean you two should be forced to endure the situation either. He should be willing to work on a compromise that works for the two of you. If he can’t see that, then again if it was me, I’d be stepping back from the picture and taking a good hard look at what I’m marrying into.

 

[mandajane]

As I said, FH refuses to say anything.

When I bring it up to him, he says things like:

“Oh that’s just how they are.”
“Well, there are 8 kids…”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“They’ll just be insulted if I say anything.”
“They don’t care what I think.”
“They’ll know it came from you, anyway.”

I admit, I’m much more of a strict Catholic than my FH, and his family. It’s not that I think everyone should be as devotional as I am, but I find it easier to keep myself from sinning if I have certain devotions that I follow. They seem to take those (attending Eucharist adoration, wearing more “matronly” clothing to mass, daily rosary) as if I were showing off. If I am I don’t intend to. They didn’t even know I did those things until FH started going with me to the adoration.

 

[mandajane]

I think I’d be a little concerned about my FH’s response, if it was me. This could really be a red flag. Again, if it was me, I’d be doing some serious discernment about my future inlaws, their behavior even outside the mass, and how they think of nothing of calling you derogatory names. What kind of family calls their future inlaw the “B” word?? What is going to happen when you have children? Did your fiance say anything else about the situation other than “that’s just the way they are”? That’s true to a certain extent, but did he support your point of view? Are you expected to be members of the same parish in the future? He’s right, they’re probably not going to change, but that doesn’t mean you two should be forced to endure the situation either. He should be willing to work on a compromise that works for the two of you. If he can’t see that, then again if it was me, I’d be stepping back from the picture and taking a good hard look at what I’m marrying into.

Just some responses to your comment~

While FH doesn’t see any good in talking to them, he does support me, and agree with me. Generally, we are expected to be members of one of the local parishes (there are three within walking distance of my apartment and his house), but on holidays his parents want us to attend with them.

 

[Peggy_in_Burien]

As I said, FH refuses to say anything.

When I bring it up to him, he says things like:

“Oh that’s just how they are.”
“Well, there are 8 kids…”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“They’ll just be insulted if I say anything.”
“They don’t care what I think.”
“They’ll know it came from you, anyway.”

I admit, I’m much more of a strict Catholic than my FH, and his family. It’s not that I think everyone should be as devotional as I am, but I find it easier to keep myself from sinning if I have certain devotions that I follow. They seem to take those (attending Eucharist adoration, wearing more “matronly” clothing to mass, daily rosary) as if I were showing off. If I am I don’t intend to. They didn’t even know I did those things until FH started going with me to the adoration.

RUN!

If he is not willing to stand up for you now, he never will. RUN!

He must be willing to cling to you and leave his family if he is to be your husband. You may think this will get better, but, I know from sorry experience, that this will not. My husband never stopped his parents and siblings when they called me nasty names and were verbally abusive. This continued, with them acting this way in front of our children.

RUN!

If he cannot love you enough to try to stop this abuse before you marry, he doesn’t love you enough. You deserve better.

RUN!

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I found out today that FH’s mother and sisters all think I’m “holier than thou” and a B, now, because I wouldn’t talk with them about who was sitting with whom and snark at the ‘easter and christmas’ catholics.

I am not sure how to handle this situation. I feel like if I say anything to them, I’ll just come off as rude. FH refuses to say anything to them because that’s “just how they are”.

Two huge red flags in bold.

The core problem isn’t their behavior at Mass, which was rude, no getting around that. The real problems, the problems that will undermine your marriage, is their name calling, low opinion of you, and your fiance’s refusal to defend you to them.

If the women in your future family think this badly of you now, before you’re even married to their brother/son, imagine what they’re going to think of you when you don’t parent your children to their liking or want to buy a house they’re not happy with.

The fact the your fiance won’t defend you against their unkindness and middle-school name calling now does not bode well for his future willingness to do so.

If you don’t get out in front of this now with your fiance, before you’re married, you’re pretty much guaranteeing you will always be the disrespected whipping (girl)boy in this immature family dynamic.

Luna

 

[garn9173]

Just some responses to your comment~

While FH doesn’t see any good in talking to them, he does support me, and agree with me. Generally, we are expected to be members of one of the local parishes (there are three within walking distance of my apartment and his house), but on holidays his parents want us to attend with them.

If you don’t have family nearby, that’s fine, but what if you do have family nearby, are they okay with this arrangement? As a Catholic-revert, the best part of this past Christmas to me was going to Mass with MY family on Christmas Eve.

 

[agnes_therese]

Just some responses to your comment~

While FH doesn’t see any good in talking to them, he does support me, and agree with me. Generally, we are expected to be members of one of the local parishes (there are three within walking distance of my apartment and his house), but on holidays his parents want us to attend with them.

His refusing to say anything to them about the way they treat you and talk about you is a problem.
At the very least, you two need to be in agreement about not attending Mass with them any more. Let them be disruptive by themselves.

 

[mandajane]

Ok, let me seperate out the issues here.

FH only refuses to talk to them about their disruptiveness during mass. His usual responses are only dealing with the Mass topic.

He has REPEATEDLY stood up for me when his Mother/Sisters call me names.

The only reason I found out they were calling me such today is because his brother called me to let me know that FH and his mother got into an argument because he overheard them, and he told them to stop speaking ill of me.

I am not worried about FH’s devotion to me, or his willingness to put me ahead of his family. We crossed that bridge when his mother told him to leave me because I am a convert, and she only wanted him to marry a cradle Catholic.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

He has REPEATEDLY stood up for me when his Mother/Sisters call me names.

My question - why would you want to marry into a family like this?

It’s not necessary to answer on this thread. It’s just something to think long and hard about.

Luna

 

[PatriceA]

My question - why would you want to marry into a family like this?

It’s not necessary to answer on this thread. It’s just something to think long and hard about.

Luna

Yes. How soon is this wedding? If it was me, again, I’d be having a LOOONNGG talk with FH about future expectations about holidays and mass attendance with his parents and even the expectation of what parish to join. Those are all decisions you two should make when you are married, and you two alone. Where to spend the holidays, major issue for newly married couples and it only gets worse when you begin to have a family. When you have a controlling MIL,which sounds like what you’re getting from your description, the behavior won’t stop on any issue if you two are not a united front.

 

[mandajane]

Luna -

Short Answer: Because I love him.

Long Answer: He is not his family, and in the grand scheme of things, his family is not going to be a huge part of our lives. The only mean members of his family are his mother and sisters. Three, out of many, many, more. His father, and all his brothers, his aunts and uncles and cousins, his coworkers, his friends, they all like me. I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, when I have a good, stable, chaste, God-centered relationship, just because three women want to be petty.

But that’s not the issue I’m looking for advice on. All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

 

[PatriceA]

Luna -

Short Answer: Because I love him.

Long Answer: He is not his family, and in the grand scheme of things, his family is not going to be a huge part of our lives. The only mean members of his family are his mother and sisters. Three, out of many, many, more. His father, and all his brothers, his aunts and uncles and cousins, his coworkers, his friends, they all like me. I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, when I have a good, stable, chaste, God-centered relationship, just because three women want to be petty.

But that’s not the issue I’m looking for advice on. All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

Short answer: don’t go to mass with them. Your FH is right, they’re not going to change their mass behavior and any attempts by you are going to come off as being combative and defensive. You don’t have to tell them why you don’t want to attend mass with them, because that would probably only make things worse, but you can tell them its time for you two to make your own habits or traditions for what mass or parish to attend.

BUT, I do have to say, to say your FH is not his family or that they will not be a huge part of your lives, may be a bit naive on your part. I was once in your shoes with a similar problem, felt the exact same way. Being married to my husband is the BEST decision I ever made, but trying to fool myself that things wouldn’t be as bad as they were with his mother and his family that sounds a lot like your FH’s family, that was one of the worst decisions I ever made. DH and I both admit we should have had our eyes wide open and formed a plan of “action” from the day after the wedding ceremony until we had to make some hard, hard decisions later about his family’s controlling nature. We should have prepared ourselves more, not ignoring the true nature of the situation. Just don’t tell yourself it may not be a problem if you’re already having a problem before you’re even married.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

But that’s not the issue I’m looking for advice on. All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

Other posters can better advise you on how to deal with Mass snarkiness.

From where I’m sitting though, you asking how to deal with someone chewing with his mouth open when this person has a gun to your head. The real issue isn’t the chewing, it’s the gun.

Luna

 

[runningdude]

Luna -

Short Answer: Because I love him.

Long Answer: He is not his family, and in the grand scheme of things, his family is not going to be a huge part of our lives. The only mean members of his family are his mother and sisters. Three, out of many, many, more. His father, and all his brothers, his aunts and uncles and cousins, his coworkers, his friends, they all like me. I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, when I have a good, stable, chaste, God-centered relationship, just because three women want to be petty.

But that’s not the issue I’m looking for advice on. All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

I was glad to read that he defended you to his mother and sisters and I’m glad to see that you in turn defended him to the those jumping the gun and blaming him .

If its getting to the point that their behavior is inappropriate and embarrassing, then you and your fiance may just have to not go to mass with them, or sit apart from them. If the stares they are bound to get don’t pressure them into stopping, then at least get the glares off you and your future husband!

 

[Dorothy]

“mandajane”,

If you must be at Mass again with them on a holyday, then just keep praying and do not talk unnecessarily, no matter what they make of it.

It sounds like they were not well-schooled in the faith, and the fact that you are trying to be reverent bothers them. It shouldn’t.

That family needs prayers.

 

[Ophelia23]

This. And just to re-emphasize: “your fiance needs to drop the hammer . . .” They need to know, from him, that this behavior will not be tolerated at your wedding. And he also needs to put his foot regarding them talking about you behind your back.

^This.

It is the most important that it come from him. I was in a very similar situation with my (then) fiance (now husband), and it was so crucial that he advocate for me, for us, and for our beliefs. And it was especially important for him to put the kabash on talking about me behind my back. Have another talk with your mister… He’ll step up for you.