Future In-Laws are Disruptive at Mass!

[LemonAndLime]

Luna -

Short Answer: Because I love him.

Long Answer: He is not his family, and in the grand scheme of things, his family is not going to be a huge part of our lives. The only mean members of his family are his mother and sisters. Three, out of many, many, more. His father, and all his brothers, his aunts and uncles and cousins, his coworkers, his friends, they all like me. I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, when I have a good, stable, chaste, God-centered relationship, just because three women want to be petty.

But that’s not the issue I’m looking for advice on. All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

Me?

Next time you have the opportunity, you should confront his mother and sisters yourself.

People seem to think it is your FH’s responsibility to defend you. I actually think that if you keep, in effect, hiding behind him and expecting him to defend you - you are not gonna win any respect. You need to tell her she is being unacceptable, and she has to either get on with you as her future DIL or keep quiet.

Of course, initially, it should be handled by your FH. But if despite his attempt to retain peace it has not worked, you need to show backbone.

Think about this - you are putting pressure on your FH to fight your battles for you. You are making him pick sides and in effect, argue on your behalf with his own mother.

 

[Stumblesalot]

Pretty much what it says on the tin.

I have been to mass with my FH many many times, and with his parents once or twice.

Saturday night I attended the Easter Vigil with him, his parents, and all 7 of his siblings (ages 25 to 14).

I was shocked by how disruptive they were to the service. They literally spoke through EVERYTHING to each other. They repeatedly tried to engage me in conversation (even during the opening processional and the homily!), and became offended when I asked if we could wait to chat till after mass. As it was, I ended up going to an early mass on Easter morning since I felt like I was unable to be truly present for the Easter Vigil.

I found out today that FH’s mother and sisters all think I’m “holier than thou” and a B, now, because I wouldn’t talk with them about who was sitting with whom and snark at the ‘easter and christmas’ catholics.

I am not sure how to handle this situation. I feel like if I say anything to them, I’ll just come off as rude. FH refuses to say anything to them because that’s “just how they are”. But if NOTHING is said then I am looking at a lifetime of gossip during the eucharist! Gah.

Thanks for your advice in advance.

Hi,

Whilst I would never be so presumptuous as to cast judgment upon any of the faithful (that responsibility is Gods’ alone), I would state a personal opinion. I think your future in-laws, assuming the wedding actually goes ahead, may need reminding of the gravity of Holy Mass and exactly what it represents. The remembrance of Our Lords’ Passion and transubstantiation of bread and wine into the ACTUAL body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ is NOT an appropriate time or venue for idle chatter. Also, the fact that these individuals are attempting to ostracise and ridicule you, for simply following your faith correctly, implies to me that, cradle Catholics or not, these people are profoundly ignorant of their faith. They sound like ‘corner shop Catholics’ to me (i.e. they take the items of faith they like but leave the bits they don’t on the shelf, with little genuine effort to live the faith). They obviously resent you and the correct example you are setting (which makes them feel secretly aware of their own misgivings). FH needs to at least explain that their inappropriate behaviour in mass makes you, quite rightly, extremely uncomfortable and they will either have to conduct themselves with the decorum the mass deserves, or you and FH will attend a different mass to them. Only you know if the wedding is a good idea, I would, however, strongly suggest these issues are resolved BEFORE you marry. Remember, you don’t just marry a husband, you marry a family. If necessary, pray to Our Lord and Our Blessed Lady for guidance in this matter. You are in my prayers.

God bless

 

[1ke]

I am not sure how to handle this situation. I feel like if I say anything to them, I’ll just come off as rude.

You don’t. Your fiance does. That is his job.

FH refuses to say anything to them because that’s “just how they are”.

Perhaps he does not understand that it is his job to defend you, lay down the law to his parents, and if necessary lead by example and have the two of you sit on another row away from his family.

But if NOTHING is said then I am looking at a lifetime of gossip during the eucharist!

That ain’t all you are looking at a lifetime of. If his parents and siblings will call you a b**** and he does nothing, you need to seriously rethink this marriage. Trust me, this isn’t going to be the only confrontation you ever have with your inlaws.

If he isn’t willing to lay down the law with his parents, you can pretty much ensure yourself of a lifetime of misery and boundary violation if you marry him knowing he has no spine.

 

[1ke]

All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

a) You decide as a family that you will not go to Mass with them and make your own plans at your own parish and develop your own family traditions

b) You go to the same Mass as them and you sit elsewhere

There really aren’t any other ways to handle it if he is not willing to do so and you insist upon marrying into the family.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

You don’t. Your fiance does. That is his job.

Perhaps he does not understand that it is his job to defend you, lay down the law to his parents, and if necessary lead by example and have the two of you sit on another row away from his family.

That ain’t all you are looking at a lifetime of. If his parents and siblings will call you a b**** and he does nothing, you need to seriously rethink this marriage. Trust me, this isn’t going to be the only confrontation you ever have with your inlaws.

If he isn’t willing to lay down the law with his parents, you can pretty much ensure yourself of a lifetime of misery and boundary violation if you marry him knowing he has no spine.

This…I was going to post something else, but I didn’t know about the cussing/name-calling part. Your future husband has to demand respect for you. If he is not doing that, then it would be a huge red flag for me as well. You have to be his priority above the rest of his family once you are married, and if he does not demand respect for you now, it doesn’t look very good for the future… That is assuming he does allow them to call you names.

Going back to the original topic of this thread, and my original response. While I do think it would be good for your husband to do what he can to help his family respect Mass (actually, purposefully causing others to be distracted in Mass is something to confess… but moving on), it is different from asking them to allow you to participate more fully in Mass without the distractions. The first issue is something he might pray about, and try to find the best way to address, not necessarily is something that is directly relevant in your relationship, but requesting for them to let you participate in Mass etc is something that would be relevant. Next time, could he sit between you and the rest of his family? Could he put special effort into not being distracted either, ignoring any inappropriate activity? Some times I have to keep looking forward at Mass and put one finger vertically on my mouth to let my kids know this is not the time to talk to me when we are at Mass and they want to make a comment… Maybe you guys could do something like that, or simply sit up front, tell them it helps you concentrate better on the Mass, it helps you avoid distractions in general. (When I say you, I mean your future husband, ALWAYS have him be the one that deals with these kind of issues with HIS family).

I think it is too bad his mom feels that way, my experience is that converts bring such a fresh joy and such a profound faith to the Church, many have found their way through deep study and soul searching, and actually know more and appreciate what we have more than many of us cradle Catholics that might take all the treasures of the Church for granted.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I went through a similar experience last Christmas, when all my in-laws were here. We took up a whole pew. My SIL chatted to me the whole time as we waited for Mass to begin!



Everyone talked as though we were … I don’t know…Waiting for a bus or something? Doing anything else except sitting reverently waiting for Mass to start!

It was such a strain for me. I tried not to respond but it’s very difficult when everyone is talking! It becomes a zoo atmosphere in church. More of a family get-together and not at all reverent.

I would advise the OP to try and find a stricter parish. One where people do not feel at ease chit-chatting so much. Now, at Christmas and Easter, you are just going to have more of that than usual, especially since some non-Catholics will be crammed in the pews with all the C&E Catholics too. There’s only so much you can do.

Heck, this past Christmas, some guys sitting in the very front pew were drinking out of Starbucks cups DURING the homily!!!



That’s when I decided that church had gotten WAY too relaxed for my comfort levels.

 

[EasterJoy]

Luna -

Short Answer: Because I love him.

Long Answer: He is not his family, and in the grand scheme of things, his family is not going to be a huge part of our lives. The only mean members of his family are his mother and sisters. Three, out of many, many, more. His father, and all his brothers, his aunts and uncles and cousins, his coworkers, his friends, they all like me. I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, when I have a good, stable, chaste, God-centered relationship, just because three women want to be petty.

But that’s not the issue I’m looking for advice on. All I want to know about is how to handle their disruptiveness at Mass.

You probably don’t. If they were fellow parishioners, you say something once, and then you realize you’re trying to teach a pig to sing, and resolve that you will not longer frustrate yourself or annoy the pig by continuing the lessons.

You’re going to have this to deal with for every family wedding and funeral for the rest of your lives, but yes, on the continuum of familial toxicity, there are worse things. Can you marry into a family with nasty siblings or nasty parents? Sure, you can. People spend decades of happy marriage by resolving to be each other’s support through toxic relatives.

What you cannot realistically do is to go into your marriage expecting that you or your intended husband have the power to change his family. They might change, but do not bet on that. Rather, be ready for the worst you know plus a few face cards you didn’t know about when you decided to throw your lot into whoever you marry.

Try not to sit next to them at Mass again. Pray rosaries so you can be gracious when the stories come back about what they were doing during your wedding Mass and during your children’s baptisms and…well, you get the picture.

Mostly, however, you’ve gotten the information you needed, which is whether these particular relatives are currently people who appreciate a discrete reminder when they forget themselves or people who take anything that’s like a correction as an insult…and in my book, someone who takes personal offense when someone else merely says she’d prefer to chat at another time is in the latter category. File that information away and apply prudence rather than applying pressure to your fiance to tilt at windmills for you. There will be plenty of things you two can really do something about; this probably isn’t one of them.

 

[agnes_therese]

a) You decide as a family that you will not go to Mass with them and make your own plans at your own parish and develop your own family traditions

b) You go to the same Mass as them and you sit elsewhere

There really aren’t any other ways to handle it if he is not willing to do so and you insist upon marrying into the family.

That sums up your choices. He really should at least speak to them about behaving themselves (not using those words, of course) during your wedding, but if he won’t . . .

 

[SamH]

Originally Posted by mandajane
Just some responses to your comment~

While FH doesn’t see any good in talking to them, he does support me, and agree with me. Generally, we are expected to be members of one of the local parishes (there are three within walking distance of my apartment and his house), but on holidays his parents want us to attend with them.

Is that the only time they go?

 

[monicatholic]

I add my voice to those other posters who’ve warned that the ’ talking through Mass’ is the least of the symptoms of this rotten core.

A few ( reiterated) points:
Through MASS they were judging and condemning others. If Holy Mass won’t shut them up. Nothing will. ( re-read this.)

Your intended’s BROTHER called to report the brouhaha. The whole family’s involved. It’s what they do. Mom and the Sisters are NOT the only players. ( re- read this.)

Of the whole family, you’re involved with the passive guy. He’ll show up according to their summons to Mass, and do nothing about the bad behaviors and resulting gossip. But theres more. The dynamics are too tight for this to be an unrelated episode. Now the passive guy is usually less guilty-- unless you believe this: the only thing required for evil to triumph is for the good man to do nothing. Others have warned and I agree, this is not the last time your good guy will do nothing. ( re read this too.)

Peggy said " run." I do too. If your guy will run fast and far with you, that’s great. But if he doesn’t run fast and far with you, he’s simply exhibiting a lifetime choice. Better you should know that now.

Imagine raising children in the controversy of this clan.

 

[faithfully]

Dear OP, You are in for it. You will truly be put to the test with your in laws. I speak from MAJOR experience.

I would be very concerned they will act just as badly during your Mass wedding.

It will be upsetting, and will easily become a point of contention.

 

[Allegra]

Just tell your fiance that you don’t want to attend Mass with his family anymore because they’re embarrassing to be seen in public with. What’s so hard about that? I told my stepmother that I wasn’t sitting with her during Mass if she didn’t stop getting candy out of her purse and offering it to everyone sitting around her during the homily. She still talks to me.

 

[EasterJoy]

Just tell your fiance that you don’t want to attend Mass with his family anymore because they’re embarrassing to be seen in public with. What’s so hard about that? I told my stepmother that I wasn’t sitting with her during Mass if she didn’t stop getting candy out of her purse and offering it to everyone sitting around her during the homily. She still talks to me.

The OP’s future MIL might not react so graciously. The OP does not have to say that she is embarrassed. She only needs to say that she thinks everyone will be far more comfortable if they don’t sit near each other in the future. That is also true, and perhaps a gentler way to word it.

 

[Allegra]

The OP’s future MIL might not react so graciously. The OP does not have to say that she is embarrassed. She only needs to say that she thinks everyone will be far more comfortable if they don’t sit near each other in the future. That is also true, and perhaps a gentler way to word it.

Okay. But her fiance’s mother is probably going to ask why her son and daughter in law are not willing to sit with them at Mass and then she is going to have to tell them something. (or play the rather babyish Guess-Why-I’m-Mad-At-You game.) I think it’s always best to be forthright with people. Mama doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way they act in church. That’s cool. Do what you gotta do. I disagree and I’m not going to sit with you if you act that way.

 

[petitfleur]

I had to laugh at this because my MIL is the same!!! One year at a Good Friday Mass she was speaking to my kids and laughing and joking around with them the whole time!!!
People were staring at them! Honestly, and then she shushed my kids jokingly saying “mummy will be cross with me if we keep talking”
All I can do is pray for her.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I had to laugh at this because my MIL is the same!!! One year at a Good Friday Mass she was speaking to my kids and laughing and joking around with them the whole time!!!
People were staring at them! Honestly, and then she shushed my kids jokingly saying “mummy will be cross with me if we keep talking”
All I can do is pray for her.

That’s my FIL too. He and my younger son used to sit together at Mass when he would come to church. They would talk, joke, and draw on the church bulletin for amusement. They were like 2 kids together.

 

[Megan7]

RUN!

If he is not willing to stand up for you now, he never will. RUN!

He must be willing to cling to you and leave his family if he is to be your husband. You may think this will get better, but, I know from sorry experience, that this will not. My husband never stopped his parents and siblings when they called me nasty names and were verbally abusive. This continued, with them acting this way in front of our children.

RUN!

If he cannot love you enough to try to stop this abuse before you marry, he doesn’t love you enough. You deserve better.

RUN!

Excellent post!

RUN while you still can! RUN NOW TODAY!!!

God Bless!

Pax

 

[Megan7]

Other posters can better advise you on how to deal with Mass snarkiness.

From where I’m sitting though, you asking how to deal with someone chewing with his mouth open when this person has a gun to your head. The real issue isn’t the chewing, it’s the gun.

Luna

:thumbsup:Great post!

I have a friend who ended up divorced, because of the same issues! That is why I posted in this thread, it reminded me of my dear friend, she has been like a sister to me.
Her in laws/women were exactly the same way!

And she used to say the same thing, that she was not marrying his family
Well, she shed a lot of tears in that marriage…

Pax