Future MIL

[bunnynessuk]

My h2b and I have made our engagement (finally) official, whilst my mum and dad are happy - although no-one will ever be good enough for there little girl - his parents are as expected not so happy!

His mothers response was ’ your too young’ ‘why are you doing this to me’ ‘she wants to steal you from us’ ‘you know what happened to your father when he married young’ ‘you wont be able to divorce her’ ‘shes forced you into this’ and ‘you know i dont like her’. This was all expected but she couldnt be further from the truth I make my h2b call her on a regular basis - i have picked al the birthday, mothers day, christmas cards and gift that she has recieved for the past 5 years. We have been together for 5 years this IS the next step!!! We are both 21 we both have good jobs and we love each other! I havent even been in the same room as her in three years because of the abuse I recieved and the lies she spread about me!!!

His dad divorced his first wife after meeting is mom and they got married in their late thirties and h2b is their only child together though his father has one from his previous marriage who is 16 years older than h2b.

They are protestant but not practicing but her family has big masonic tyes!

Anyhow, he told her that that was that and it was going to happen! Today we visited his moms mom to give her the news his mom had just left and we discovered that his mom hadnt even told her about the engagement when h2b called her up on it she refused to acknowledge the engagement or anything to do with us and changed the subject!!!

This is the same woman who rang his phone the other day - he was driving so I answered - when I asked who it was she said ‘Mrs X’ not h2bs mom or mildred!!!

Her behaviour is just s crazy I dont even have a name I am ‘that girl’ - Ive always been polite when I have seen her and I dont want h2b to not see his parents but she keeps pushing him further away all she ever does is complain the stuff I have supposedly done is ludicrous she even said Id lied about my name!!!

I dont know what to do h2b doesnt want her at the weding but Im sure hell regret it if he doesnt invite her! At this rate she probably wont come but still!!! Shes going to miss out on so much if shes not careful! But I havent got a clue how to explain this to her! Neither her nor her husband are young they had chris in their forties and are both in their sixties now so its crazy!

Help!

 

[kage_ar]

Pray for her, pray pray pray. If you can get ahold of Fr. Dubay’s book “Deep Conversion/Deep Prayer”, I’d suggest it to you.

 

[1ke]

Well, you knew what you were getting in to. It won’t change, and it will probably never stop.

I would let your fiance handle everything related to his parents. If his dad cannot control her, then it’s up to your fiance.

Let him decide whether to invite her or not. If he doesn’t, HE needs to tell her she is not invited and why.

YOU do not need to “handle” her at all. Just stay away from her as you have until she can treat you respectfully. That day may never come.

Set boundaries and stick to them, and again your fiance should be the only one to “handle” her. And, he needs to step up and do it. He needs to tell her to STOP. She only bad mouths you because he lets her. If he were to dress her down right when she starts, I think that would be the end of it unless she’s mentally ill.

 

[bunnynessuk]

H2b tries believe me she will say ‘she lied about x’ and he will say no and I know this because…’ right from the start (when we were 16!) he tried to tell her that she was wrong but she apparently has ‘sources’ who know all this stuff about me despite the fact I only moved to this part of the uk when I was 10 and it still isnt the same village that he lives in we didnt attend the same high school or primary school we didnt run in the same circles unti we met at 16 in college!!!

She just doesnt seem to listen even her husband has told her to leave it or explain how she knows what she knows but she just starts to cry and says that ‘everyones against her’! H2b moved out when he was 19 and put himself though uni because he couldnt deal with her anymore - I mean come on the menopause can only be blamed for so much!!!

 

[1ke]

H2b tries believe me she will say ‘she lied about x’ and he will say no and I know this because…’ right from the start (when we were 16!) he tried to tell her that she was wrong but she apparently has ‘sources’ who know all this stuff about me despite the fact I only moved to this part of the uk when I was 10 and it still isnt the same village that he lives in we didnt attend the same high school or primary school we didnt run in the same circles unti we met at 16 in college!!!

She just doesnt seem to listen even her husband has told her to leave it or explain how she knows what she knows but she just starts to cry and says that ‘everyones against her’! H2b moved out when he was 19 and put himself though uni because he couldnt deal with her anymore - I mean come on the menopause can only be blamed for so much!!!

Yes, but that is where he is going wrong. He tries to explain/convince/argue.

He needs to tell her that she is NOT to bring up anything about you, is only to be pleasant to you, and is not to say or do anything rude or disrespectful-- ever again, period.

If she does, she will be asked to leave/you will leave/you will hang up the phone… whatever is appropriate for the situation… and she will forfeit her right to attend events and activities that you host and the two of you will not be attending any events that she hosts.

She will respect his wife or she will be cut out.

He needs to lay down the law. If she still will not behave, then cut all contact. Remember, it’s not just you anymore. If she cannot behave she will expose your children to this filth as well.

 

[puzzleannie]

work this out now before the wedding, this woman is going to be part of your life for a long time. If she can’t or won’t be mature and reasonable, you will have to be the mature, reasonable party in the relationship. by so doing, treating her as you would say, a business client with a difficult personality, with detachment rather than resentment, you will be sparing yourself a lot of stress, and demonstrating that in fact, 21 is quite old enough, thank you very much.

 

[drafdog]

Please be advised that you do not marry a person, you marry a person and that person’s family. If you are having difficulty with the mother of your intended now, you will continue to have trouble. The question you must ask yourself is whether or not you can handle the general level of rejection that you are experiencing right now. Do not pretend to yourself that it will improve once you’re married, or once you have a baby, or once she sees how happy her little Johnny is. You can’t count on her changing. Can you handle this level of rejection for the next twenty years? Or thirty years, or fifty years?
You must decide before the wedding day.

Matthew

 

[kristie_m]

Please be advised that you do not marry a person, you marry a person and that person’s family. If you are having difficulty with the mother of your intended now, you will continue to have trouble. The question you must ask yourself is whether or not you can handle the general level of rejection that you are experiencing right now. Do not pretend to yourself that it will improve once you’re married, or once you have a baby, or once she sees how happy her little Johnny is. You can’t count on her changing. Can you handle this level of rejection for the next twenty years? Or thirty years, or fifty years?
You must decide before the wedding day.

Matthew

Well said!

 

[bunnynessuk]

I love my hubby2b regardless of his family - he is definatley the black sheep all of the men in his family have divorced and remarried leaving an array of children with the first wifes - reasons for divorce include ‘she was lazy’, ‘she didnt want to cook for me’ and my favourite ‘she didnt understand me’. And his mother is just strange!!!

H2B doesnt want his parents involved in the wedding or our lifes but I think he wil regret this in later life! They are his parents and are the only ones he will ever have! He gets on well with my family and my mom looks after him - giving him a rollicking when he deserves it!!! But hey!

I have no intention of being in the same room as his mother at the moment but I am hopeful (well trying to be) that in time she will be civil! I cant be ‘that girl’ forever!

I just dont understand why a mother would do this to her son it really upsets him that she doesnt want to accept is choices! She once told him that she wished hed never been born and she has slapped him on occasions but he has moved out and has his own house, career and life so I guess at the end of the day it will be her loss?!

 

[LuciaGdeLopez]

I don’t mean to take over your post but my situation is a bit similar to yours so I thought I would share…

My husband has two children from a previous relationship. He was married by the state but never by the church. As he put God in his life he saw 2 paths…stay single and celibate or get an annulment in order to remarry. Lucky for me he chose the latter and after 3 years of dating were married last year June (also blessed with a honeymoon baby ).

My Husband and I are open and honest with each other. After many triumphs and tribulations we trust in God’s calling to be together as husband and wife. Unfortunately, my father has not opened his heart to the will of God. He has always been against our relationship. When we got engaged he was enraged. My dad started rumors about my husband, wrote letters to family, friends, and the priests to stop the wedding, the list goes on and on.

I know my father loves me and his actions are out of fear that I will be hurt (probably similar to your future MIL’s fears). However, this does not justify his actions. He was invited but chose not to attend the wedding. When I wrote him a letter to inform him that we were expecting a child he was infuriated…ripped the letter and demanded that I not be spoken off at his presence, etc.

There is nothing I can do to help my father accept and understand that we are blessed every day of our sacramental marriage. I pray, pray and then pray some more for my father. Yet, he has to be willing to open his heart. It hurts to say that we have not spoken in over a year. It is sad that he may not meet our new baby (I am due April 6th). But I have accepted that it is beyond my control.

I respect my father but I will not tolerate his verbal abuse to me or to my husband. If only my father would take a moment to get to know the great man my husband is I am sure he would see God’s marvelous wonders.

Remember (paraphrasing Fr. Coropi) in marriage we have the role of helping our spouse get closer to God, so as long as that is in the works for you, then everything else is trivial.

God Bless
Sorry for the long reply.

 

[hasikelee]

Been there, done that. If your fiance can’t protect you effectively (ABSOLUTELY NO PROTECTION-LYING) then call off the wedding.

My MIL is probably the freakiest person I’ve ever known, but I went ahead with the wedding because DH was able to prove to me that he could protect his own family and deal with her immediately, respectfully and effectively.

I’d start paying attention to your future FIL, too, as I bet he isn’t the shining star of reason and charity either.

Isn’t it crazy how nice people can come from such crazy parents? And I’ve met simply amazing parents with horrible kids. There’s no rhyme or reason!

 

[rpp]

In another way, I find this topic, bot sad and funny.

I was married (and divorced) twice.

My first wife’s parents (ILs #1) actually liked me better than their own daughter! I was really surprised! We got along great. I cannot remember the number of times FIL #1 would ask me to “straighten out” his little girl. They were never ill-meaning, but it was kind of funny.

I also got along quite well with second wife’s mother (her father had died). Of course I think part of that is due to the fact that she could not speak English and my Japanese is a bit spotty.

I guess I was lucky. I just wish I had gotten along with my ex-wives as well as I did with their parents.

Bunnynessuk, I am very sorry you are having this trouble. it can be extremely frustrating and hurtful.

Lucia, I understand your pain too. There are few things that can hurt us more than what our family can do.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I love my hubby2b regardless of his family - he is definatley the black sheep all of the men in his family have divorced and remarried leaving an array of children with the first wifes - reasons for divorce include ‘she was lazy’, ‘she didnt want to cook for me’ and my favourite ‘she didnt understand me’. And his mother is just strange!!!

H2B doesnt want his parents involved in the wedding or our lifes but I think he wil regret this in later life! I’ll bet he doesn’t regret it one bit. They are his parents and are the only ones he will ever have! He gets on well with my family and my mom looks after him - giving him a rollicking when he deserves it!!! But hey!And he is blessed to have them, and you.

I have no intention of being in the same room as his mother at the moment but I am hopeful (well trying to be) that in time she will be civil! I cant be ‘that girl’ forever! Sure you can!

I just dont understand why a mother would do this to her son it really upsets him that she doesnt want to accept is choices! Whatever the reason doesn’t matter, sweetie. She does it, and she has no intention of stopping it. She once told him that she wished hed never been born and she has slapped him on occasions but he has moved out This doesn’t give you a clue that he doesn’t want to be around her? and has his own house, career and life so I guess at the end of the day it will be her loss?! Pretty much the way it is.

You have a nice family, a nice mother, a nice father, probably nice sibs. Your intended has a whacko woman for a mother. It is VERY hard for people who have not been in this situation to understand just why a woman would treat her son that way? Truthfully, unless Mama is willing to go through long-term psychological therapy, there’s no telling why. It does not excuse her behavior.

I’d say your young man handles her pretty well, by knowing enough to stay away from her. Quit trying to make him hang around a woman who treats him poorly, even hits him. He will not regret it. Please quit forcing him to not do what he knows is best for himself, and for your future marriage.

What he regrets is that he doesn’t have as nice a mother as you, to offer you in return. Trust me. This is a familiar scenario for me.

There is an American book called God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! by Greg Popcak. Think about getting a copy, either firsthand or through eBay. It explains that what people think as a way to handle such people is not the way to handle them.

And you should seriously work all this out before the wedding. She is going to be his mother for quite some time.