Future Spouse

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Kate0805

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I recently listened to an old podcast in which Cyrstalina mentioned that she made a list of the qualities that her future husband would have. I have recently started working on this list in the back of the journal that I started writing to my future husband in. Since the point of dating is to find your future spouse, it makes sense to not waste my time dating someone who does not meet my ‘standands’ (for lack of a better word).

I was just curious if anyone else has a list or what they would put on a list if they had one.
 
probably would fit more with the Catholic Living forum

but in any case. i had a list in my mind but i know i shouldn’t stick to it. narrowing down a person to a specific list of qualities tends to make you under appreciate his/her uniqueness and how their own qualities blend in into a wonderful person. it became more of a guideline to me. i noticed when i had a list, i usually can’t find someone or if someone fit into that list, they usually are not interested in me

although there are a few things i wouldn’t compromise. there was a local religion in the Philippines whose members will force you to convert if you want to marry someone of their faith. its hard to convert someone out of their faith because they always resort to emotional blackmail (the ministers would pressure the family to pressure you). i don’t think anyone was THAT worth it
 
I personally wouldn’t make a list of what I want, because I have found that love is not rational, especially at first. I have a list of things that I will not bend on, such as she cannot be pro-abortion, etc. This does not mean that I would not have a dialogue about it, but it is not something I could compromise on. I find that more useful (to me personally) than a list of wants because I have found that my perception of people changes greatly as I get to know them. Not that I have a bad perception of them, for the most part, but that I am able to understand where they are coming from better with time.
 
I have a list, but the only way to know if the person meets your list is to get to know them. You’ll know if he is tall, you’ll probably also be able to figure out if he’s a non-smoker but you won’t be able to know if he’ll make you laugh or the level of his faith or if he loves kids. Also you may discover that he prefers cats over dogs but you could live with that because when you think of him you can’t help smiling. There are things that you don’t want to compromise on but there are areas of you list.

My list ask for someone who is tall, good-looking, prayerful, strong in his faith, non-smoker, loves kids, an encouragement and a comfort, loves me only second to God, hardworking, educated, passionate, caring, gentle, loving, understanding, has a forgiving nature, makes me laugh/sense of humor, wants to be a father, marriage-minded, willing to admit when wrong, needs help or defer to me when the situation calls for it, a leader.
These are just a few of what I am looking for in my future husband.
 
Belle dame avec merci, something of an angel, something of a Tolkien princess of the elves, good and kind (by inclination and by choice), wise and intelligent, honourable, able to laugh when needed and cry when needed, not trying to manipulate me or gain power over me in the relationship (not like I can’t resist that, I just don’t want to play that game), preferably tall and lean just like I am, broad knowledge of many subjects would make it easier to relate.

Definitely reciprocal and definitely no wrapping the relationship around her schedule (not like I’m not ready to, but it’s a problem when *she *is) or her whims. Kind and polite in communication. I don’t like unreplied messages, hurtful jokes etc.

Loving.
 
It depends what’s on your list and what your reasons are for having the things you do on the list.

Tall, dark, and handsome? Eh.

Faithful Catholic, loyal to his friends and family, kind, loving? Now you’re getting somewhere.

But even some of these things shouldn’t be non-negotiable. I’ve seen lists put out by Catholic groups that stipulate faithful Catholic, good family background, no mental or physical health issues, believes a woman should stay at home with the kids, etc. So many of these things can be open to change or should be open to compromise in the future. It might be prudent to seek someone who has a good family background on the one hand, but on the other hand I don’t think it’s necessarily loving to break off an engagement because you think your potential future spouse has been “tainted” by past abuse or divorce or something like that.

Too often making the list of the qualities you’re looking for in a spouse can lead to the misguided notion that there is one perfect mate out there for each of us and that we are to find a person who fits our needs perfectly. That’s not what Catholic relationships are about, and this point of view is much more focused on the self than it is on giving of oneself to another person while expecting nothing in return. Making a list like this and sticking to it rigidly seems to indicate to me that one is not ready to serve their spouse in marriage. Prudence is a virtue, but not to the exclusion of love.
 
I have a list…although it’s not written down, it’s just in my head 😉 Anyway pretty much what everyone has mentioned is on there…plus I prefer that he love horses and is willing to put up with my craziness both with and without horses 😛 Tis important to find somebody who shares your interest 😉
 
Be careful not to place impossibly high standards. No one mortal will meet all of you needs. It’s not possible.

Or, I should state this way-Place impossibly high standards and demand to not even LOOK at someone who doesn’t exceed all of them. Prepare to spend many nights alone. 😉
 
chevalier said:
Tall, bright and handsome isn’t doing bad these days, thanks for asking. 😃
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How about average height, bright, and one who thinks he the most stunning physical specimen know to man?
Because I know people like this…just saying…:o
 
I agree with having a list of things I will not toletrate. Mainly because in the past I made some mistakes that I REALLY did not want to make again. And I knew better. So finally I had a list of ‘Run for the hills if’. I don’t think I ever used it and I must have trown it out years ago. My motive at the time was self protection.

As for a list of what I want, sure a few things come to mind. But I would never take the time to write a complete list down. Mainly because if I found out the person I was dating had a list and told me ‘you meet all my requirements’ I would dump him in a heart beat

CM
 
I never had a list, I was too dumb to think of that. But in retrospect, watch how he treats the women in his life, Mother, sisters, aunts, nieces. If he is respectful and kind/loving to them, (calls regularly if he lives away, remembers occasions with cards or gifts, etc) then he is keeper material in my book- providing he fits your other ‘qualifications’.

My 1st husabnd did not do that & was a lousy husband. My now DH is/was always great with the women in his family and mine, he is my keeper!
 
I think lists are a big gamble to take. You need to not only find someone that meets your list but also you need to do enough and have enough qualities to be able to be with that person. In addition, people might be turned off by a long list of requirements. I know that I would not even bother with a girl that had a long list and I found some requirements I didnt meet or didnt quite meet. Sometimes, you can go overboard with requirements for future spouses.
 
I don’t see the point of making an actual physical list (i.e. writing it down). That seems bizarre to me :confused: There are lists in your head. If you start writing them down instead of just going with the flow you will complicate things and unecessarily be judgemental.

Everybody has a list, but it needs to be made up of the right things. Even then, I think some things can change. Good looking, kind, Catholic. These things are okay. And yeah, I think whether you admit it or not looks do play a part, consciously or subconcsiously. And you can’t tell me otherwise (that would entail something like “No, I don’t think my wife is beautiful at all, it was all personality” - doubt she’d like that). But obviously don’t go overboard, of course.

But things like, good family backround, certain degree, etc. To me those are silly. If its not obvious or manifest in that person what their backround is, then what does it matter? Especially something like family. You don’t choose family. And I have heard people say, “I will never marry a guy who has an arts degree, they’re just too stupid”. And similar kinds of things. How stupid is that! Those kind of things are ridiculous. And chilidish in my opinion.

Anyway, I don’t have a list, a physical one or much of a mental one either. I am bitter and cynical though. But because of the bitterness and cynicism I think I probably do have a subconscious list, an alarm rather, that will go off if I see any of the things I saw in my ex, or in the kinds of girls I am glad aren’t my girlfriends.
 
cmscms said:
I agree with having a list of things I will not toletrate. Mainly because in the past I made some mistakes that I REALLY did not want to make again. And I knew better. So finally I had a list of ‘Run for the hills if’. I don’t think I ever used it and I must have trown it out years ago. My motive at the time was self protection.
CM
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I can relate to this. After a couple of bad relationships I learned my lessons and decided to be open to a kind of man I needed, rather than to what I thought I liked. I prayed a lot, but without any specific ideas about a man in mind. I’m now married to a wonderful guy who doesn’t tick all the boxes of an ideal list. But I don’t care. He’s a real person, has so many qualities that I admire and I’m happy.

I guess it’s good to have a list in terms of knowing what is important, but one shouldn’t treat a potential partner as a project. It is all about the dynamic between the two people after all.
 
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