Gave my dh an ultimatum

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joandarc2008

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Ok, some o fyou know what has been going from other threads- so I took my dh back in hope of reconciling and it has really be up and down. I gave him three conditions, only one of which has he been living up to. He stopped going to mass again. He went out all night this weekend. We have such little money that I am going without food some days even though I am the one working and he is running a business that is failing. He refuses to get a second job and right now I am looking at a third.

Next fall I have decided to use my VA benefits and go back to school. I told him this would have given him a year working on his issues which he is still going back and forth between taking responsibility for and blaming on me. He is getting very angry again. I do not feel secure. I do feel safe as I have learned to recognize the signs that I didn’t before and leave the situation but it is rough.

I told him if he can’t get it together and treat me like some semblance of a human being by then I will not be coming back. I know that I do qualify for an anullment based on what my priest and deacon that did our marriage have told me. I am upset but I know I am doing my best but I must protect my sould and my relationship with the Lord.
 
I’m sorry.

Whatever he does, you know in your heart of hearts you did more than the bare minimum to keep it going. You can have peace in that in the future.

I worry that sticking around for a year gives him way too much time to string you along and maybe for the situation to become volatile. Be very careful. 😦
 
Joan, I am deeply sorry things are going this way?! I can understand your concern and where you stand and I am sorry your hubby just is going back to his old ways…Have you tried talking to him again? Has he said he will try harder? I know sometimes bad habits are hard to break and maybe he just needs a little reinforcement and more time?
 
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
May God protect and guide you in this difficult time.

Peace
James
 
I’ve tried and we are back to the old - it’s my fault and not his. I am going to call Father tommorrow. I also have some plans in place if I need to leave quickly.
 
*joan, I was following the threads for a while, but I think I missed something…in a nutshell, what is going on again? (I’m sorry, you can provide links here to make it easier!) lol 😉

In the meantime, praying for you. You guys are newlyweds, right? :(*
 
He had gootten abusive - I took him back because he was willing to go to counseling. There was an issue of many lies that he had told me about himself before we got married. I have been footing the bill for everything.Now he is just sliding back into it. I guess you can say that we love each other but we are no longer in love.
 
joandarc2008 said:
He had gootten abusive - I took him back because he was willing to go to counseling. There was an issue of many lies that he had told me about himself before we got married. I have been footing the bill for everything.Now he is just sliding back into it. I guess you can say that we love each other but we are no longer in love.
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*I see. I’m sorry. I will hold you in my prayers. *
 
Oh yeah and supposedly the therapist just told him he is not delusional or psychotic. So now that just makes him a good liar.
 
joandarc2008 said:
Oh yeah and supposedly the therapist just told him he is not delusional or psychotic. So now that just makes him a good liar.
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*I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but I think in this case, it might be necessary. That said, I have always viewed ultimatums like this…if the person is capable of change, why wouldn’t he/she change without the ultimatum? I think ultimatums are shortlived, and most people shape up to get past the ‘‘deadline,’’ get back into the good graces of whoever gave them the deadline, and then once enough time has passed, they are back to square one. So, the ultimatum is one year…and how did he respond?
*
 
whatevergirl said:
*I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but I think in this case, it might be necessary. That said, I have always viewed ultimatums like this…if the person is capable of change, why wouldn’t he/she change without the ultimatum? I think ultimatums are shortlived, and most people shape up to get past the ‘‘deadline,’’ get back into the good graces of whoever gave them the deadline, and then once enough time has passed, they are back to square one. So, the ultimatum is one year…and how did he respond?
*
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Wise words whatevergirl.👍
I think of Christ’s words about swearing where he says do not swear, but say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no…

When there is an issue of great magnitude we should not “threaten” this or that, but rather make a statement of fact that unless the issue is prperly addressed, we are going to take some appropriate action. Not an ultimatum so much as a simple clarifiaction of causes and consequences.
After that it is a matter of sticking to the decision.

Peace
James
 
whatevergirl said:
*I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but I think in this case, it might be necessary. That said, I have always viewed ultimatums like this…if the person is capable of change, why wouldn’t he/she change without the ultimatum? I think ultimatums are shortlived, and most people shape up to get past the ‘‘deadline,’’ get back into the good graces of whoever gave them the deadline, and then once enough time has passed, they are back to square one. So, the ultimatum is one year…and how did he respond?
*
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Well, he basically told me that he didn’t have any problems - I’m the problem and I just don’t have the guts to leave.
 
JRKH said:
Wise words whatevergirl.👍
I think of Christ’s words about swearing where he says do not swear, but say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no…

When there is an issue of great magnitude we should not “threaten” this or that, but rather make a statement of fact that unless the issue is prperly addressed, we are going to take some appropriate action. Not an ultimatum so much as a simple clarifiaction of causes and consequences.
After that it is a matter of sticking to the decision.

Peace
James
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You are right - I guess it is much more of a cause and effect issue at this point.
 
joandarc2008 said:
Well, he basically told me that he didn’t have any problems - I’m the problem and I just don’t have the guts to leave.
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Ok, so you are newly married, and this is what your husband said? He said “you are the problem and that you don’t have the guts to leave?” Why are you giving this a year? lol He is abusive, and he is blaming you for HIS ACTIONS. Please be careful in this. 😦
 
*And joan, even if you were the wicked witch of the west (which you certainly don’t come across as such!) NO MAN has the right to namecall you, hit you, shove you, etc. NO MAN has the right to do that to you. Just remember that. Whatever it is ‘you have done,’ that he is telling you…he does not have the right to abuse you. *
 
thank you for reminding me it looks like this is headed for the big D.
 
joandarc2008 said:
thank you for reminding me it looks like this is headed for the big D.
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*😦 I’m sorry, joan. I don’t advocate divorce, but safety comes first. If your husband isn’t even willing to admit that he is in the wrong, how can he be remorseful? I pray that things do get better, for a while there, I remember your threads now, things were getting better. But, things have to STAY better…that means NO abuse. Not some or a little. NONE.

Abuse isn’t a natural part of marriage. There are ups and downs, good and bad times…but abuse should never become a part of marriage. I will be praying for you both.*
 
The worst part is that sometimes if I listen to him long enough I start to feel like it is my fault. I know it isn’t. I know God doesn’t want this. It’s terrible. I feel like the failure.
 
joandarc2008 said:
The worst part is that sometimes if I listen to him long enough I start to feel like it is my fault. I know it isn’t. I know God doesn’t want this. It’s terrible. I feel like the failure.
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*Thus is the cycle of abuse. The victim feels off kilter, and to blame. The abuser doesn’t change, and the abuse escalates. Your feelings are completely normal, here.

BUT here is the thing. EVEN IF you are "at fault’’ for causing your husband to become upset…he still doesn’t have the right to abuse you. That is the thing. If he is upset on occasion with you, he needs to find a healthy way to express anger. Abuse isn’t it. Do you know how many couples fight? If we’re honest, probably all married couples argue from one point or another. But, NOT ALL abuse. My husband does not abuse me. There are men who do not resort to abuse to getting their own way. To winning an argument. There is no excuse for abuse. It cannot ever be tolerated.

It might help you to get some counseling, on your own…just so you know that you are not at fault, and that you can have an outlet to vent. (objectively) I’m praying for you…I know you’re hurting, I feel bad that this is happening to you and your marriage. :(*
 
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