Gave my dh an ultimatum

[Liberanosamalo]

Joan, he is a narcissist. I’ve posted over and over the thread to the book. escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf He’s not psychotic. He’s not a lunatic out of touch with reality. And he’s an excellent liar and very good at misrepresenting himself to people who can do something for him. Like counselors he can enlist to prove to you everything is your fault and nothing is his fault. Some counselors are bamboozled by the act. Others see through it.

He’s been lying since he was a little boy. He’s a pro at it now. He has been manipulating people to get his way forever. (I’ll bet oddly your communications are better with him over the phone and by email. Because he can’t see your face to gauge the effect he’s having, he’s actually more pleasant and doesn’t pile on the abuse. But when he can see fear or sadness in your face, then he goes for the verbal kill. Right? Just a guess.)

The problem is, once they get their way in something, they don’t have a reason to manipulate anymore. They got what they wanted. So on to the next thing.

You were one of those things. Once you were married, he dropped the act. You threatened to leave. So he brought the act back long enough to get you to stay. He’ll do just enough to keep you off balance and thinking there is hope. But he’s too lazy to pretend to be a decent person around you all the time. He can do it if he wants to. (But that kind is really really lazy. Unless they get something out of it.)

He doesn’t want to pretend to be decent around you. He really believes everything is your fault. You breathe. You have ideas he didn’t put in your head. Bad girl!

And what will have changed in a year except you will be more depleted, and less confident, and maybe even thinking it is your fault. They are that convincing. If you let them suck you into their own lies.

Keep contact with the people you knew before him. Your family and friends. They’ll remind you who you really are.

He’s convinced you that his cruelty and brutality is your fault. In 10 months you’ve gone from a happy bride to this.

Don’t wait a year. Be out by next month. He called your bluff. He mocked you. He put himself in the typical narcissist position of either way, he gets what he wants. If you leave, then YOU are to blame for the marriage ending and it’s YOUR fault. He can play the victim of the guy whose wife left him. And some poor fool woman out there will buy it and think you were evil and a horrible b----. If you don’t leave, he gets to use your dependence and weakness against you for the rest of your life, reminding you over and over one more of your flaws. He’ll know he has you where he wants you. His victim forever, unable to escape.

Stop telling yourself how much you love each other. He doesn’t know how to love. Except himself. The only person you both love his him. And you don’t really love HIM! You love the lie. The lie you are beginning to find out he is. I’m still finding things out about the lies I was told about my xh before the wedding and we got married 20 years ago!

IF he loved you, he wouldn’t be calling his bride “a problem.” Mine was calling me an albatross around his neck within 4 months of the wedding.

See, you are a problem, and I was an albatross. Because we both entered marriage thinking it was a partnership, not a servant/master relationship. When we actually needed something from him, instead of serving his every wish and demand, we were told “That’s not part of the deal. This is a give and take marriage. You give, I take.”

And he’s a sponge. You’re going to pay him and support him for a year? Because… you don’t need that money? You want to starve for the next year? I’ll bet he doesn’t go without food!

Send him a check from your new address.

Go through your house. In the next week. Take anything that is of value to you… family keepsakes, important papers, anything he could destroy to hurt you that would hurt you if he destroyed it… box them up. Little by little so he won’t notice. Mail them to your mother or sister or best friend if they don’t live nearby. Mail some clothes too. Be prepared to just walk away and have the courts settle and evict him from YOUR house. 10 months into your marriage and you aren’t in love anymore?



Walk away from the furniture. The useless stuff. If you bought it together after the wedding, it’s half his anyway. Wait too long and you can me like me having to pay 10s of thousands of dollars for lawyers to settle things.

If he won’t go, you go. But go with a plan and go safely.

I’m very sorry.

NORMAL MEN DO NOT TREAT THEIR NEW BRIDES THIS WAY!

It will not get better. I wouldn’t even trust a “miracle” with these guys. If my xh died, I’d think it was just another one of his lies. If he converted back to God and went to daily Mass, I wouldn’t believe his motives were pure.

That kind has too many ex jobs, ex friends, ex girlfriends (who all left him under debateable circumstances), ex workplaces… as soon as people are on to him, he gets up and leaves and recreates his image in a new place among new suckers.

continued…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’m glad you’re going back to school. But I fear waiting a year is not going to be a good thing for you. By the way, that kind is VERY lazy. But not to hear them tell it. They’re the hardest working people on the planet and their lack of success is someone else’s fault too. No, they won’t get a second or third job. That’s YOUR job to do that. (I was working at one point 3 jobs.) Do you want to have to do that someday with a houseful of children?

Get out before he gets you pregnant to keep you there under his thumb. And to use a child to hold onto you and manipulate you. I am telling you that will happen if you let it.
That kind is not above raping his wife and then blaming her for seducing him, or telling her she owed him, or getting you drunk where your resistance is down and doing a snow job on you so you think he loves you. Don’t fall for it!

Do not breed with this man.

And please, dear sweet girl, DO NOT WAIT A YEAR to get out!

Does your family have a clue? What do they say? Or are you protecting him with a facade of lies and halftruths and keeping his real image from the world? Because when you collude with your captor to hide the truth, it makes it harder someday. No one will believe he’s so awful because you did your job of press agent so well. Then he tells everyone YOU are the nut. By then you will look like one because he will have worn you down so badly. You will be thin as a rail, with hair falling out from the stress, afraid to say boo, easily upset, walking on eggshells and unsure whom to trust. Yeah, you’ll look like the nut. Then he can tell everyone how he tried to get you help, but you didn’t cooperate. He’ll become the martyr with the unstable wife. And only you will know the truth.

If you can’t tell others the truth about him 10 months into your marriage, get out. Now.

 

[crazzeto]

I’m so sorry, and I wish I had read this about an hour ago. I did a rosary, I would have included you in it. I am however in the process of doing a novina (nightly) for our local BirthChoice clinic (a cleverly disgised BirthRight clinic), I’ll add you in. I hope and pray for true conversion in your husband’s heart.

 

[qui_est_ce]

**Joan, he is a narcissist. **
He’s been lying since he was a little boy. He’s a pro at it now. He has been manipulating people to get his way forever. (I’ll bet oddly your communications are better with him over the phone and by email. Because he can’t see your face to gauge the effect he’s having, he’s actually more pleasant and doesn’t pile on the abuse. But when he can see fear or sadness in your face, then he goes for the verbal kill. Right? Just a guess.)

Stop telling yourself how much you love each other. **He doesn’t know how to love. Except himself. The only person you both love his him. **And you don’t really love HIM! You love the lie. The lie you are beginning to find out he is. I’m still finding things out about the lies I was told about my xh before the wedding and we got married 20 years ago!

Go through your house. In the next week. Take anything that is of value to you… family keepsakes, important papers, anything he could destroy to hurt you that would hurt you if he destroyed it… box them up. Little by little so he won’t notice. Mail them to your mother or sister or best friend if they don’t live nearby. Mail some clothes too. Be prepared to just walk away and have the courts settle and evict him from YOUR house. 10 months into your marriage and you aren’t in love anymore?



**Walk away from the furniture. The useless stuff. If you bought it together after the wedding, it’s half his anyway. **Wait too long and you can me like me having to pay 10s of thousands of dollars for lawyers to settle things.

If he won’t go, you go. But go with a plan and go safely.

I’m very sorry.

NORMAL MEN DO NOT TREAT THEIR NEW BRIDES THIS WAY!

continued…

All of your post is excellent and on spot. All this happened to me too.

He will not change. He will BEG you to stay the minute he sees you are serious. He will promise to go to counseling. (Did you ever check up on him about that? Or is he lying about that too, don’t be surprised).

Do not have children by him. You will be modeling an abusive marriage as the ideal. How would you feel if your son grew up and treated his wife the way you are treated? What about if your daughter was treated like that by her husband. You would blame yourself.

Grounds for annulment or not, just get out RIGHT NOW.

I’m sorry to be so harsh, but it happened to me. I have two children by him. They are truly blessings, but now that they are 18 (daughter) and 21 (son), he treats my daughter the same as he treated me. He screams at her and tells her she has crocodile tears when his bullying drives her over the edge. Nothing she does is good enough. It truly breaks my heart.

He is now on his third marriage to a woman who is on her fourth. The two of them are made for each other. They continually amaze me with their novel means of inflicting pain and agony on my children.

GET OUT NOW.

Start by getting rid of that ticker factory. You are not in a marriage.

I will pray for you.

 

[whatevergirl]

All of your post is excellent and on spot. All this happened to me too.

He will not change. He will BEG you to stay the minute he sees you are serious. He will promise to go to counseling. (Did you ever check up on him about that? Or is he lying about that too, don’t be surprised).

Do not have children by him. You will be modeling an abusive marriage as the ideal. How would you feel if your son grew up and treated his wife the way you are treated? What about if your daughter was treated like that by her husband. You would blame yourself.

Grounds for annulment or not, just get out RIGHT NOW.

I’m sorry to be so harsh, but it happened to me. I have two children by him. They are truly blessings, but now that they are 18 (daughter) and 21 (son), he treats my daughter the same as he treated me. He screams at her and tells her she has crocodile tears when his bullying drives her over the edge. Nothing she does is good enough. It truly breaks my heart.

He is now on his third marriage to a woman who is on her fourth. The two of them are made for each other. They continually amaze me with their novel means of inflicting pain and agony on my children.

GET OUT NOW.

Start by getting rid of that ticker factory. You are not in a marriage.

I will pray for you.

*I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

Praying for you joan!! *

 

[flyingfish]

Since your priest has told you you likely do not have a valid marriage here, you should really count your blessings and get the annulment.

Your “husband” will promise you he will change any time he thinks you are serious about leaving him, he might even try to change. But as you’re learning he’s going to fail every time and revert to his old ways.

Guys like that almost never change, since in all likelihood you don’t have a valid marriage you need to get rid of him and move on. It would be one thing if your marriage was valid, and you had no chance to marry anyone else ever. But that luckily is not your situation.

Don’t waste any more of your time on this man. It will only cause you pain and misery. And remember you can’t have children with him either, or if you do they will suffer from his abusive ways.

You deserve a good man.

 

[JRKH]

*And joan, even if you were the wicked witch of the west (which you certainly don’t come across as such!) NO MAN has the right to namecall you, hit you, shove you, etc. NO MAN has the right to do that to you. Just remember that. Whatever it is ‘you have done,’ that he is telling you…he does not have the right to abuse you. *

 

[Ailina]

Does Christ abuse his church,or does he love it? It sounds like your husband is abusing you, not loving you, right? As your priest pointed out, there appear to be conditions that are impeding the sacramental aspect of your marriage. Why wait for the next shoe to drop? Protect yourself and your financial reputation before it is too late.

This is not your fault at all. Your husband was broken long before you married him. You cannot cure him when he is so damaged. Only God can.

 

[dulcissima]

The problem with an ultimatum in this case is that your husband is only going to use it as a way of avoiding the consequence that you both know is coming.

I urge you to talk to a lawyer and file for a separation or a divorce as soon as possible. Please do not give your husband the slightest hint that that is what you are planning to do. I think that time is of the essence here because he seems to be spiraling downwards really quickly. Your safety is at stake and so are your finances. You don’t want to be legally obligated for any debts that he is taking out right now.

The end of the relationship is the most dangerous time, so I would not mess around. Have you talked to a domestic violence center? I think I remember that you had a restraining order previously after he hit you? Is that correct. My advocate warned me not to accept tales of miraculous recovery and suddenly seeing the light. I was told of one woman who dropped the restraining order and then was beaten into a coma.

He obviously knows that a divorce is a possibility and wants you to be afraid. That’s why he told you you don’t have the guts. Honestly, file for divorce and then either move out or get a kick out order for him. Then don’t talk to him at all. At best he will just exhaust you at worst he will manipulate you into putting yourself in danger again.

Talk to your priest. Pray the memorare. This is a situation where you need to set your face like flint and ACT. Praying for you.

 

[gospachild]

Liberanosamalo hit the nail on the head,I’ve been living with this way too long. My husband never expresses any remorse, never gives a sincere apology, and blames me for everything. He refuses to try anything what so ever to salvage the marriage. I left for a couple months this summer (it was wonderful, I could go a whole day without doing something wrong), but am temporarily back now as our 18 year old daughter is finishing her senior year, and I have serious medical issues I’m dealing with an oncologist and neurosurgeon with. He won’t leave the house, and it was getting trashed when I was gone, he started drinking again, and I didn’t feel in good conscience I could leave our daughter in this situation. I"m first addressing my health issues, as I don’t want to deal with lawyers, selling the house, etc. when I’m not well and our daughter will be graduating soon, but plan on getting out in the spring. In the meantime, I’m trying to keep the house up to sell, going through my belongings, selling some things, and enjoying the time with my daughter, I’m on short term disability now, unable to work for awhile, so have the house to myself most days, which helps, and just try to avoid him otherwise. It has been hell, which anyone who has been through this can attest. I believe I have grounds for annulment, but will let the Church decide and honor that. Would much rather live a life of celibacy (already am) then go through more of this. “Got my dog, got my horse, don’t need no cowboy.” Prayers appreciated

 

[joandarc2008]

Thank you everyone. I am doing my best now to accept the situation. He has told me he wants the divorce. We are trying to keep it amicable. I love him. He loves me as much as he is capable but even he admits he is not truly capable of loving anyone and wants to remain celibate after this. I take that with a grain of salt. I also believe he has been reading these and I don’t care. I am praying and I will do what God wants me to do and take every step that I can towards Him and away from the Devil.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’m so sorry, Gospachild. I’ll pray for you.

And I’d like to take a moment here and clarify something else that her letter illustrates perfectly. Just how evil NPDs are. Something you don’t find out till you’re at your lowest. NORMAL people, when you are sick, suffering, going through chemotherapy, childbirth, surgery or whatever… they stop the hostilities They feel guilty. They try to make amends. They think what life would be like without you. They pray more. They bargain with God to save you They pray for you.

NPDs? Not on your life.

It seems they take YOUR illness personally. It angers THEM! How dare you become involved in your own care. How dare you be unavailable to fill their own unfillable emotional blackhole! How dare you ask anything of them in terms of love, prayers or support. And you are vulnerable. So they redouble their attacks. I know it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t lived it to imagine that there are people that mean out there. But you dont’ see it coming. When you marry them, you are young, happy and healthy. You intend to take care of them if they’re sick. And oh, you do! Every cold is treated like they’re at death’s door. But if you got your leg amputated, they’d ask you to get up and get them coffee.

When you are sick, sad and depressed, or ready to deliver a child, or post-partum, or post-surgical, expect more fights, more attacks, more anger, more name-calling. They’ll mock you and your illness. They’ll make nasty comments about how much it inconveniences them. Don’t expect a ride from them to the doctor. I know one NPD who told his own old sick mother if her heart started acting up after a stent was put in, to “call 911” as he walked out the door for a date. She had to get a cab home after surgery because he was “too busy” to drive her

They’re the kind that make you wish you’d die of your disease rather than live one more minute with them.

Yes, it’s that bad. If you’re with one of these people, don’t wait till you’re dependent upon them to get out.

 

[qui_est_ce]

NPDs? Not on your life.

**When you are sick, sad and depressed, or ready to deliver a child, or post-partum, or post-surgical, expect more fights, more attacks, more anger, more name-calling. ** They’ll mock you and your illness. They’ll make nasty comments about how much it inconveniences them. Don’t expect a ride from them to the doctor. I know one NPD who told his own old sick mother if her heart started acting up after a stent was put in, to “call 911” as he walked out the door for a date. She had to get a cab home after surgery because he was “too busy” to drive her

Again, unfortunately, spot on. I had a hysterectomy and almost died from blood loss. I was very weak. On the way home from the hospital, he started in on me about politics. Two days later, the surgical site got infected. He blamed me for the infection! He said I was doing too much. I had two little kids, 8 and 5. The treatment for the infection involved a nurse to come out twice a day to change the bandages. That HURT! I got a housekeeper to come in once a week to clean the house (we were upper middle class and could afford it.) He got furious and told me I didn’t look sick to him, and made me sleep on the couch, which was shorter than I was. You know how you can’t sit up or go up and down steps when you’ve had abdominal surgery. Yet, I was happy to sleep on the couch just to be away from him. That surgery was the deciding factor in leaving him. I didn’t give him an ultimatum. I just went to a lawyer. From that point on, no matter how many promises he made, I didn’t let him change my mind.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I believe I have grounds for annulment, but will let the Church decide and honor that. Would much rather live a life of celibacy (already am) then go through more of this. “Got my dog, got my horse, don’t need no cowboy.” Prayers appreciated

You are in my prayers.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Christine, let me guess. He didn’t lift a finger to help you when you got home from the hospital. But then told you you did too much.

Yeah, I know. Why did I bother to ask. hahaha.

 

[whatevergirl]

Again, unfortunately, spot on. I had a hysterectomy and almost died from blood loss. I was very weak. On the way home from the hospital, he started in on me about politics. Two days later, the surgical site got infected. He blamed me for the infection! He said I was doing too much. I had two little kids, 8 and 5. The treatment for the infection involved a nurse to come out twice a day to change the bandages. That HURT! I got a housekeeper to come in once a week to clean the house (we were upper middle class and could afford it.) He got furious and told me I didn’t look sick to him, and made me sleep on the couch, which was shorter than I was. You know how you can’t sit up or go up and down steps when you’ve had abdominal surgery. Yet, I was happy to sleep on the couch just to be away from him. That surgery was the deciding factor in leaving him. I didn’t give him an ultimatum. I just went to a lawyer. From that point on, no matter how many promises he made, I didn’t let him change my mind.

*You know, when I read these things…it leaves me with a question…wouldn’t you just love to find the man’s mother (maybe it’s the dad’s fault but usually the mother’s) and say…THANKS A LOT…LOOK AT THE MESS YOU’VE MADE OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LIVES. I’m sorry, but men like this have major issues with their mothers. We can dub it narcissism, or whatever…it stems back to the mothers.

I’m glad you made a new life for yourself, God bless!! :hug1:*

 

[qui_est_ce]

Christine, let me guess. He didn’t lift a finger to help you when you got home from the hospital. But then told you you did too much.

Yeah, I know. Why did I bother to ask. hahaha.

It’s eerie how you spelled out the whole scene without even being there!

 

[dulcissima]

*You know, when I read these things…it leaves me with a question…wouldn’t you just love to find the man’s mother (maybe it’s the dad’s fault but usually the mother’s) and say…THANKS A LOT…LOOK AT THE MESS YOU’VE MADE OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LIVES. I’m sorry, but men like this have major issues with their mothers. We can dub it narcissism, or whatever…it stems back to the mothers.

I’m glad you made a new life for yourself, God bless!! :hug1:*

I’m going to disagree with you, Whatevergirl, men like that learned such disrespectful behavior from seeing their fathers treat their mothers this way. Of course, chances are good that the mother put up with that treatment, but as a result, they don’t value their mother and therefore don’t value their wife.

 

[qui_est_ce]

You know, when I read these things…it leaves me with a question…wouldn’t you just love to find the man’s mother (maybe it’s the dad’s fault but usually the mother’s) and say…THANKS A LOT…LOOK AT THE MESS YOU’VE MADE OF SO MANY PEOPLE’S LIVES. I’m sorry, but men like this have major issues with their mothers. We can dub it narcissism, or whatever…it stems back to the mothers.

I’m not sure about that. It’s true she made saints out of her boys, and I never got along with her - she’s loud and obnoxious - but they are Sicilians (no offense). They think it’s normal to be loud and argumentative.

I’m glad you made a new life for yourself, God bless!! :hug1:

Thanks, me too. I’m just sorry for my kids. They’re finding out just how narcissist he is.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m going to disagree with you, Whatevergirl, men like that learned such disrespectful behavior from seeing their fathers treat their mothers this way. Of course, chances are good that the mother put up with that treatment, but as a result, they don’t value their mother and therefore don’t value their wife.

Yes…I did say it ‘could’ be the fathers. Either way, it all stems back to their childhoods. I agree with you, it LARGELY stems from watching their dads disparage their moms. You’d think that in a man’s mind, he would not want to repeat the cycle???