Gave my dh an ultimatum

[ChosenAndCalled]

Why don’t we lay off the OP for a bit and assume that she has both brains and guts? Perhaps she’s doing what she feels is best and does not need the negative attitudes of many anonymous posters who have zero invested interest in her real life.

Sure, it’s great to tell her to leave and feel good about “saving” her from her living hell, but don’t you think that decision belongs to her and not a lot of people who know only what is written here?

It might be worthwhile to assume that someone has an emotional maturity, spiritual presence and intellectual heft once in a while and not let our own experiences or projected feelings turn us into an ugly mob.

 

[JRKH]

Agreed -
As much as we do wish to help, there comes a time to step back and let things go for awhile.

Peace
James

 

[qui_est_ce]

Why don’t we lay off the OP for a bit and assume that she has both brains and guts? Perhaps she’s doing what she feels is best and does not need the negative attitudes of many anonymous posters who have zero invested interest in her real life.

Sure, it’s great to tell her to leave and feel good about “saving” her from her living hell, but don’t you think that decision belongs to her and not a lot of people who know only what is written here?

It might be worthwhile to assume that someone has an emotional maturity, spiritual presence and intellectual heft once in a while and not let our own experiences or projected feelings turn us into an ugly mob.

The OP asked for advice. There are some here who have been in a situation similar to hers. As someone who has been there, I know this is a very dangerous and serious situation. No one is projecting themselves. She asked for advice. She’s been asking for advice on other threads as well.

I also take issue with your describing our posts as ugly mobs. Nearly every post ended with a “keep you in my prayers.”

I will agree to lay off NOW, but I don’t regret any of my posts.

In Christ

 

[SamH]

Sure, it’s great to tell her to leave and feel good about “saving” her from her living hell, but don’t you think that decision belongs to her and not a lot of people who know only what is written here?

Some people care enough that they hope to spare her from living a life of Hell while it appears others don’t. Nothing written here compares to what she is going through on a daily basis.

 

[joandarc2008]

Why don’t we lay off the OP for a bit and assume that she has both brains and guts? Perhaps she’s doing what she feels is best and does not need the negative attitudes of many anonymous posters who have zero invested interest in her real life.

Sure, it’s great to tell her to leave and feel good about “saving” her from her living hell, but don’t you think that decision belongs to her and not a lot of people who know only what is written here?

It might be worthwhile to assume that someone has an emotional maturity, spiritual presence and intellectual heft once in a while and not let our own experiences or projected feelings turn us into an ugly mob.

Please don’t get me wrong- I appreciate the advice. I am hearing it. I am receiving it. I also know that I took vows in a sacrament that meant something to me and I know that I FELT GOD THERE.

That was the same God that that was there when indirect fire landed 160 feet from where I was standing in Iraq and didn’t go off so please don’t tell me what Hell is. Hell is the absence of God in our life. No matter what happens to us, as long as we keep God with us there is no such thing as Hell here. Hell is for those that do not believe or turn their backs no matter how good their circumstances. Hell is for those without grace. So yes, I do take the advice and put it aside for when I might need it. I do have contingencies in place if I NEED to leave but right now I feel like I must do everything to help my dh even if I forget somedays and come on here and vent to other Catholics because things are not as happy as my selfish human part thinks I should be in the situation. Sometimes too I have to put myself in his shoes- he is dealing with a lot. Being molested at 4, feeling like your parents didn’t protect you, and then watching the same thing happen to your cousin’s dd right before your wedding would be enough to make most people snap no matter how well they thought they did in counseling when they were four.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Joan, as long as you have your flak jacket on. If you can handle Iraqi terrorists, you can handle your own personal one.

Every woman has to make the choice when she is ready. Part of being with an abuser is having no choices. The very act of leaving is the first choice toward healing. If it is forced by others it is not a choice and not healing.

I admire you wanting to help this incredibly wounded man. I have no doubt you felt God’s presence at your wedding. YOU felt it. Your marriage may only be a two-person deal though… you and God. It takes THREE to make a marriage. Whether he has the psychological capacity to do this, only God knows. Time will tell. Part of that will be him getting the serious follow-up help to get over that which has scarred him and frozen him at a very immature psychological state of development.

Until he works through that his emotional reactions to life will be those of a four year old who doesn’t get his way.

But in a 30-something man’s body.

Just be careful, sweetie. I stayed to save my husband’s soul and darn near lost mine. As long as you keep that in the back of your mind and are clear what you’re doing and stay in prayer…

And keep in contact with your priest. Check in with us. For a reality check, okay? It always helps to run things past people.

I’ll pray for ya.

 

[jmcrae]

Ok, some o fyou know what has been going from other threads- so I took my dh back in hope of reconciling and it has really be up and down. I gave him three conditions, only one of which has he been living up to.

Okay.

That means it’s time now for you to do whatever it was you said you were going to do, if he didn’t meet the three conditions.

If you don’t, he’s going to think that you don’t mean what you say. If he thinks you don’t mean what you say, he won’t listen to you in other areas of your life, either.

I know it’s a tough situation to be in, but if you want to get any respect from this guy, you are going to have to follow through and do whatever it is that you said you were going to do.

If he acts surprised or gets mad, just tell him, “Look, I didn’t want to do this, but you have forced me to either do this, or else be a liar, and guess what - I am not a liar.”

 

[buffalo]

Love and Respect

http://home.roadrunner.com/~annunciation/crazycycle.gif

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Buffalo that little wheel only works with sane people.

When you’re married to a crazy abuser, you can never show enough respect, show it 24/7 and don’t ever slip up or be tired or cranky or have your own mood yourself, or be perceived to be laughing at him (even when you’re laughing at a tv show). Because then you’ll be shown a lot less than love.

This wheel is not helpful here. Besides, they only show love when there’s something in it for them. And they withhold it for reasons you don’t even understand just because they can.

 

[whatevergirl]

Buffalo that little wheel only works with sane people.

When you’re married to a crazy abuser, you can never show enough respect, show it 24/7 and don’t ever slip up or be tired or cranky or have your own mood yourself, or be perceived to be laughing at him (even when you’re laughing at a tv show). Because then you’ll be shown a lot less than love.

This wheel is not helpful here. Besides, they only show love when there’s something in it for them. And they withhold it for reasons you don’t even understand just because they can.

*I have nothing to add but had to comment about the laughing comment you make here, liberano. That is so weird! The guy that I dated back in college who was abusive, was the same way…I’d laugh at something, and he would get angry…’‘are you laughing at me?’’ What’s so funny? Then, you wouldn’t laugh when something was funny for fear of setting him off, and he would say…’‘what’s your problem, why are you always so sad?’’ Always?? Oh brother.

SO glad I ended that relationship.

Amazing similiarties in all of these men. Just wanted to share that. *

 

[Through_Him]

This sounds like my husband, maybe not quite so severe.
My husband has Post Traumatic Stress syndrom. We are finally dealing with it now after 40 years of marriage. He is pretty controlling but we are working through it. My priest gave me a great council one time in confession, he said that he, my dh and many men more than women feel a great amount of rejection.So I talk with him about how to handle his rejection.

I went to confession to another priest many times like once a week for a year and confessed unforgiveness towards my dh . Just over and over again even though I did not feel like I was doing the wrong. But it helped. That priest was so understanding. And, this is a big thing that priest was the first very kind man that I had ever talked with and was able to carry on a conversation with in a long time. Our communication went well and I learned how to talk with a man, a sane man.

So the whole thing has taken about 3 years now. I ask my husband how are you feeling when he riles up. If he doesn’t know I provide a few things like are you feeling afraid or rejected. It may be 3 days before he comes back with yes, example I was at my mothers she said such and such.

One day my husband wanted me to watch a movie. Which we watch a lot of movies and I think he likes to watch violent movies because it makes him feel strong or that it keys him up so much that he calms down after the movie.
The movie he wanted to watch was about some one that terrible things were happening to this person but he couldn’t cry. My dh said you don’t know how hard it is to not to be able to cry. I tell him it is ok to cry and hold him but he still cannot cry.

Will it get better Joan? more than likely not. You said it right he is ill. It is like a scar that is very deep. Like having been in a war.
I too add my prayers for you.

Also I think my dh is a bit suicidal and this may be what you are worried about as your dh is so upset and unstable that you are worried he is going to try to commit suicide.

As I’ve been reading these posts you said he may be reading too so maybe this is good that is a way to communicate. Ask him to write you a letter about how he feels and just lightly discuss the issues. Don’t make big about small things no mountains out of molehills. You write a letter back to him and read them and then just throw them away and pretty soon you may get him to respond calmly. We were always (I hate that word) pushing each others anger buttons because we knew how. That is so dysfuctional.

Maybe you both need a break from the MIL

 

[flyingfish]

Please don’t get me wrong- I appreciate the advice. I am hearing it. I am receiving it. I also know that I took vows in a sacrament that meant something to me and I know that I FELT GOD THERE.

I just hope you aren’t staying with an abusive husband because you think the marriage was sacramental. If your priest and deacon told you that it very likely isn’t sacramental, maybe you need to disregard the perception of “feeling god there”.

Those types of emotions can’t be trusted, and human beings are capable of feeling all sorts of things are there (including aliens, life force, psychic abilities).

It doesn’t matter how hard his life was, and how severe the circumstances that turned him into an abuser. If his life story is so severe that he can’t help but be this way, think of what it means. It means that he will likely be this way until he dies.

If you care about this man and want to help him, maybe you need to get the annulment but help him as a friend. Though I don’t think anything you can do will help someone like him. He might get some help from a professional and psychiatric medication, it’s extremely unlikely that anything you do will help this man.

Don’t stay with an abuser for the wrong reasons, not that there is any right reason to stay with an abuser. But don’t do it out of some compulsion and the perception that you felt God. This man will never change, if you stay with him, no matter how hard you try to make this work you will only get hurt again and again.

It’s only a matter of time before he gets physical again, don’t fool yourself into thinking that he’ll change.

 

[JRKH]

This sounds like my husband, maybe not quite so severe.
My husband has Post Traumatic Stress syndrom. We are finally dealing with it now after 40 years of marriage. He is pretty controlling but we are working through it. My priest gave me a great council one time in confession, he said that he, my dh and many men more than women feel a great amount of rejection.So I talk with him about how to handle his rejection.

I went to confession to another priest many times like once a week for a year and confessed unforgiveness towards my dh . Just over and over again even though I did not feel like I was doing the wrong. But it helped. That priest was so understanding. And, this is a big thing that priest was the first very kind man that I had ever talked with and was able to carry on a conversation with in a long time. Our communication went well and I learned how to talk with a man, a sane man.

So the whole thing has taken about 3 years now. I ask my husband how are you feeling when he riles up. If he doesn’t know I provide a few things like are you feeling afraid or rejected. It may be 3 days before he comes back with yes, example I was at my mothers she said such and such.

One day my husband wanted me to watch a movie. Which we watch a lot of movies and I think he likes to watch violent movies because it makes him feel strong or that it keys him up so much that he calms down after the movie.
The movie he wanted to watch was about some one that terrible things were happening to this person but he couldn’t cry. My dh said you don’t know how hard it is to not to be able to cry. I tell him it is ok to cry and hold him but he still cannot cry.

Will it get better Joan? more than likely not. You said it right he is ill. It is like a scar that is very deep. Like having been in a war.
I too add my prayers for you.

Also I think my dh is a bit suicidal and this may be what you are worried about as your dh is so upset and unstable that you are worried he is going to try to commit suicide.

As I’ve been reading these posts you said he may be reading too so maybe this is good that is a way to communicate. Ask him to write you a letter about how he feels and just lightly discuss the issues. Don’t make big about small things no mountains out of molehills. You write a letter back to him and read them and then just throw them away and pretty soon you may get him to respond calmly. We were always (I hate that word) pushing each others anger buttons because we knew how. That is so dysfuctional.

Maybe you both need a break from the MIL

A wonderful testimony and well worth us ALL reading.

Peace
James

 

[joandarc2008]

Thank you again all. I talked to my priest yesterday, he is going to work with me on getting back involved in some activities with the Church as befoer he had suggested a break so I could be there for my dh.

So the whole thing has taken about 3 years now. I ask my husband how are you feeling when he riles up. If he doesn’t know I provide a few things like are you feeling afraid or rejected. It may be 3 days before he comes back with yes, example I was at my mothers she said such and such

This hit me b/c he does have a hard time with feelings. Last night he came to me and told me how much he loves me, etc and how much I meant to him and I how much my support meant. I asked him why it had taken so long to hear some of these things and some of his answers were very much like that of your dh’s. It is the feelings he has blocked himself from - or should I say the childhood counseling blocked him off from- he does have them but he has to make a concious effort to get in touch with them. I feel I am doing the right thing I guess the reasons don’t matter as much as that I feel I am doing the right thing and that I am at peace. I do love him and he is taking the right steps it is just a long process.

 

[Ailina]

Thank you again all. I talked to my priest yesterday, he is going to work with me on getting back involved in some activities with the Church as befoer he had suggested a break so I could be there for my dh.

This hit me b/c he does have a hard time with feelings. Last night he came to me and told me how much he loves me, etc and how much I meant to him and I how much my support meant. I asked him why it had taken so long to hear some of these things and some of his answers were very much like that of your dh’s.** It is the feelings he has blocked himself from - or should I say the childhood counseling blocked him off from- he does have them but he has to make a concious effort to get in touch with them. **I feel I am doing the right thing I guess the reasons don’t matter as much as that I feel I am doing the right thing and that I am at peace. I do love him and he is taking the right steps it is just a long process.

Just beware that he might be using psychological jargon to blind you and to excuse himself. Some people are very manipulative in this regard.

Lots of people who have been abused as children don’t carry that abuse into adulthood and their relationships. Just be careful that he isn’t using this as an excuse to abuse you.

What did your priest say to you when you first went to him with your problems?

 

[joandarc2008]

Unfortunately my priest wasn’t there when all this started. He was on vacation. I recently talked to the priest that has known my dh and his family for years. He did know of some things- somethings he didn’t. He did support decision and does not think I am out of line. He offered prayer. He also told me that he believed that I am very strong for doing what I am doing. He did reiterate that if I wasn’t safe I needed to leave but he felt the worst was over. Thank you all for your love and support again.