Gay but not feeling called to religious life or celibacy

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First off, this question is concerning a friend of mine (who is Mormon) but it is also worth pondering in general…

This friend of mine has a same-sex attraction to men. He has tried dating girls but for the most part, he hasn’t found fulfillment in that…and yet he seems to desire so much to be in a romantic relationship. He even went as far as saying he almost wishes he was a girl if it meant that being attracted to guys would be okay then. It hurts to see him struggling so much. He knows it’s disordered, but the attractions are so strong.

Then there’s stories like this I’ve come across where catholics who are gay try religious communities and trying to stay celibate but feel torn by both. They are trying their best to stay faithful, but are crushed by the weight… (this is one such example. I’m really not sure how to answer to it… I Thought Gay Celibacy Was My Only Option — I Was Wrong | by Patrick Flores | Reaching Out | Medium )

How do you deal with such a predicament and what can you say to such a person who is struggling so? It’s such a heavy cross for some.

+Pax Christi+
 
I know how your friend feels. I’m a bisexual. No matter how much a I feel a connection towards another man, I have to walk away from it. I have to deny a part of myself, but that’s what Jesus said that we have to do. He said that you have to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him (Matthew 16:24).

I know how hard it is to give up a part of yourself, but having Christ is worth it. He is so much more beautiful than homosexuality. If one lives in sin while professing to be a christian, that’s the greatest evidence that they haven’t found Christ to be more beautiful. Intimacy with Christ is the greatest pleasure that one can experience in this lifetime and the next. The Gospel alone is fulfillment. You can try other paths, like in this case, Mormonism, but that path teaches a false Jesus. He is not our elder brother-- He is the Lord, who can cleanse us from the bondage of sin (including homosexuality).
 
Rose,

It is so good and kind for you to care!
You can help by being his friend. Always encourage him to seek good which means Christ!
 
It’s no easy road for him.
I’ll remember him in my prayers.

Catholics have a support group called Courage.
It’s not “conversion therapy”, but a support group based in prayer and spiritual reading to help persons with same sex attraction live a Christian life of chastity.

BTW, I don’t want to minimize this struggle of your friend. Chastity is difficult.
 
The problem with being gay and also Christian is that you are in two groups of people who often appear to hate each other. Many Christians dislike sexually active and celibate men who have same sex attraction. Just as many LGBT supporters and sexually active homosexuals dislike Christians as they see them as a source of hate.

Personally I think our society mixes up love and sex. In our society men are actually discouraged from showing any form of love or affection to each other. Where in other parts of Europe and Africa when two men hug and maybe kiss on the cheek its seen as friendship and nothing more.

Is it possible that a lot of young guys (not all) who think of themselves as gay are just crying out for a close friendship with another guy?

Some married heterosexual couple to share a house, bank account, life but not a bed and I am sure that there are homosexual couples that live in the same way. Its just that society puts sex above all things.

Your friend has shown massive trust in you and it looks like you are being there for him, which is great. If it was possible to go with him to a church that is welcoming to people with same sex attraction (but observes the teaching of the church) then that might be a thing do. Or as someone else has said “courage” And of course pray

Alex
 
The OP said he was asking about a friend of his who is Mormon, not himself who had become Mormon (also the Mormons oppose Homosexuality much the way we do).
 
I would say prayer and strong friendships. I too have SSA and it is truly a nightmare, I haven’t figured it all out (to be fair I’m only 17 and don’t have many friends, and I also am attracted to 1 or 2 girls (though it is a completely different experience with them (and one is more just the ability to have a more ordinary reaction to someone, and she is someone beatified by the church and about 30-40 years older than me (were she still alive) so… that’s more just a “were we the same age, in the same country, and her alive on earth I probably would, but as is she is dead (on earth)”), and the other turned me down with the possibility of something in 2-3 years if she decides she would feel comfortable in that situation), but I think having several close same-sex friends (for him that would mean other guys) who he can share these difficulties with (both some with and without SSA), who can understand the struggles, as well as making him feel more like “one of the guys” and be kind of like brothers to him. I have found the best times and healthiest moments have been when I was in situations where I was the most able to be “one of the guys”, even when they sometimes seem paradoxical (the one that comes to mind is on a retreat in a cabin, with around 17 other guys, and I was having a conversation with 2 guys and for probably an hour of the conversation at least one of them didn’t have a shirt on, so like I said, paradoxical, but at the end I felt rather normal less inclined to lust after other guys (eventually that wore off, but, for a time helped)). I would also say that seeing where life leads you, as I mentioned, I found myself attracted to somebody who I could potentially date (if she ever decides she is ready to date and would be comfortable doing so with me (we are fairly close friends, so…)). The big keys seem to be community, and a commitment to chastity (such as is possible, since technically chastity means the integration of our sexualities, and that usually isn’t fully possible since the SSA part rarely goes away in this life.
 
I’m sorry he has to carry this heavy cross. That said, I have heard that SSA has been successfully reversed in some cases. Maybe you could look into that.
 
It seems like there is no easy way. If he follows Church teaching he either has to get married to a woman or stay celibate. But he may feel unfulfilled in a marriage with a woman or lonely being single. I think he has to be very strong in his faith to accept and live out Church teaching on this matter when the culture is pushing him not to… He may be happier living according to Church teaching, or he may always feel like something is missing. Hopefully he will find some peace and happiness living out chastity, but it may take time. I would definitely see his attraction as a cross. Hope he can figure it out.
 
EZweber said:
I have heard that SSA has been successfully reversed in some cases.
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Where have you heard that? Everything I have heard about so-called gay conversion therapy suggests that it is unethical, unscientific, and totally ineffective. It was used in the UK until quite recently. Gay men were treated with hormones or alternatively with emetic drugs and/or electric shocks. It was absolutely barbaric and drove men to suicide. It also didn’t work. Nobody really knows why some people are gay or bisexual, but sexual orientation does seem to be fixed once people have passed through adolescence. Any attempt to change sexual orientation will almost certainly prove to be at best fruitless and at worst dangerous.
 
This doesn’t make it easier, and I don’t say this to dismiss your friend’s burden, but everyone has their cross to bear.

There are many who are straight, married… and yet miserable. Perhaps their marriage is sexless. Perhaps there are other issues between the couple.
 
My overly simple answer: tell your friend to stay celibate. If he’s gay, it would be a big mistake to marry because then he’s lying to two people, and not allowing his wife to have a life she could.
 
It’s a tough situation, and I have no easy answers. I don’t suppose Mormonism is too favorable in regard to self-stimulation either, and that’s probably not sufficient for your friend anyway, who sounds like a romantic. The problem as I see it is that he is forced to make a choice between practicing the teachings of his religion and leading a sexless and loveless life in the sense of human intimacy. A further potential problem is that, because of his strong romantic drive, he may decide to abandon his religion entirely. If he wishes to remain Mormon yet feels the strong need to engage in a romantic same-sex relationship, he may ultimately choose to do so while, at the same time, not renouncing his religious beliefs; in other words, he may decide to disagree with his religion on this one issue and remain faithful in other matters. I’m not exactly encouraging him toward disobedience; but, if and when all other means are exhausted, it may be better for his emotional and even spiritual well-being to have some human sexual contact in his life.
 
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I can’t remember where I read it, but I heard that it can be a curable psychological disorder. Some evidence to back up this claim (so I have heard) is that it is much more common in abusive families. I could be wrong.
 
Don’t be misled by these unsubstantiated pseudo-scientific studies regarding the causes of homosexuality. Abusive family environment has little to do with people becoming gay, and conversion therapy is fraudulent and has been harmful to many.
 
I would generally trust the books I read and that is where I got it. I’m not sure.
 
Mental health professionals no longer regard homosexuality as a disorder of the mind. Being attracted to people of the same sex isn’t a mental illness and therefore can’t be cured.

Nobody really knows some people are gay and bisexual. There are all kinds of theories out there. Yes, some people think that it is connected with child sexual abuse, although this in fact seems to have a stronger correlation with people with gender dysphoria. More commonly, people used to think that it was caused by having a domineering mother and a weak father. Given that quite a lot of people have a domineering mother and a weak father, it’s hardly surprising that some of them are gay, but there are also a lot of straight people with these kinds of parents too. Some people also think it could be genetic or could be caused by exposure to certain chemicals during gestation. The truth is that nobody knows.

What we do seem to know is that while a lot of young people go through a certain amount of confusion about their sexuality during puberty, by the end of puberty, sexual preferences seem to be pretty much settled. Somebody who’s been heterosexual for thirty years isn’t going to just suddenly become gay in his mid 40s.
 
Londoner said:
Everything I have heard about so-called gay conversion therapy suggests that it is unethical, unscientific, and totally ineffective
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@meltzerboy2

Just want to say that “therapy” consisting of physical or psychological abuse is always wrong, but that normal therapy might be used to help someone increase one’s heterosexual tendencies and reducing one’s homosexual tendencies, and not be wrong.

I don’t know if that ever happens or anything, but I find it disturbing that the two are conflated and both called wrong.
 
roseproject said:
How do you deal with such a predicament and what can you say to such a person who is struggling so?
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There’s no Right Thing to say except that God has a vocation for ALL of us. Even when not called to the religious life, single people can do God’s work in wonderful ways. Not having a family can enable you to work strange hours in far-off places - e.g. a physician with Catholic Relief Services, producing documentaries, etc. Or you could simply throw yourself into your vocation in a way that you couldn’t with a spouse and children.

Perhaps this would provide encouragement to people in this predicament? https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/...on-maybe-were-asking-the-wrong-question-68948
 
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Concupiscence, in all its forms, is a trial–that is why God allows it to remain after Baptism.

As the Roman Catechism says of concupiscence and other infirmities, “in them we may have the seed and material of virtue from which we shall hereafter receive a more abundant harvest of glory and more ample rewards. When, with patient resignation, we bear all the trials of life, and, aided by the divine assistance, subject to the dominion of reason the rebellious desires of the heart, we ought to cherish an assured hope that if, with the Apostle we shall have fought a good fight, finished the course, and kept the faith, the Lord, the just judge, will render to us on that day a crown of justice which is laid up for us.”

Jesus Himself tells us this, when He commands us to take up our cross and follow in His footsteps. Your friend has been given his cross (or likely only part of it, since most people have many difficulties and trials in life), now he must turn to the one and only Creator, become incorporated into the Body of Christ, and carry it with Him. It’s easier said than done, but he must have faith that grace will sustain him on the journey–the Sacraments, especially the Eucharist, are extremely important in this regard. Just as the Israelites were sustained by manna during their trials in the desert before entering the promised land, so are we sustained by the Eucharist during our trials in this life before entering Heaven.

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