Gay cousin adopting--how to explain we can't have them around our young children?

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Our cousin, who is ‘married’ to another man, has just adopted a baby girl. We live in the same city and used to see them fairly regularly. Our young children have just assumed that these 2 men were friends. But now that they have adopted, it would be impossible to maintain this explanation and our children would be confused about the situation. We realize that we cannot continue to see them and will have to discuss this with them, but we are wondering how best to explain this to them. They do know that we are Catholic and we have had some discussions of our beliefs already. They see it as a rejection of themselves, but they fail to see that they are asking us to reject our values and principles to accomodate theirs.
 
Why can’t you keep letting the kids assume the cousin and his “husband” are friends and explain the baby girl’s presence as your cousin adopted her, his friend is helping him with her, no further explanation necessary? Basic idea is that the kids would see your cousin as a single adoptive father and his “husband” as a friend who is helping him raise his baby.

But if you aren’t willing to do that, then I suggest you simply explain to your cousin that his lifestyle is not compatible with the moral and religious teachings you are passing on to your kids, that you fear his lifestyle would confuse the kids, and that you will no longer be able to spend time with him and his family until the kids are old enough to understand.
 
You wouldn’t cut out a cousin who was living with a member of the opposite sex, right? I understand that you are concerned about your kids. However, the best example you could give them would be to show kindness. Raise them Catholic. Explain as they get older. Pray about it. But cut the cousin out of your life? I think this the kind of thing Pope Francis has talked about- showing love to others above all else. Be an example of love to your kids. The rest will follow.
 
I had a brother who was gay. He lived with his partner. Both were with us on holidays and weekends. Our kids never questioned it. When they did, I thought it was time for an truthful answer. So guess what I am saying, is that if you love this cousin, continue to see he and his family without judgement, and when your kids ask, tell them the truth and explain your position. Seems to me that meets the criteria of passing on values and charity. In fact, you do not know for sure that they are leading and active gay life - perhaps they simply love one another altruistically.
 
pentecostbaby said:
You wouldn’t cut out a cousin who was living with a member of the opposite sex, right? I understand that you are concerned about your kids. However, the best example you could give them would be to show kindness. Raise them Catholic. Explain as they get older. Pray about it. But cut the cousin out of your life? I think this the kind of thing Pope Francis has talked about- showing love to others above all else. Be an example of love to your kids. The rest will follow.
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Ohana said:
I had a brother who was gay. He lived with his partner. Both were with us on holidays and weekends. Our kids never questioned it. When they did, I thought it was time for an truthful answer. So guess what I am saying, is that if you love this cousin, continue to see he and his family without judgement, and when your kids ask, tell them the truth and explain your position. Seems to me that meets the criteria of passing on values and charity. In fact, you do not know for sure that they are leading and active gay life - perhaps they simply love one another altruistically.
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Dacinom said:
…It is actually fairly simple to explain to your cousin why you can’t have him around your children. However what you may really be seeking is not so much a simple explanation, but a simple explanation that will not cause hostile feelings and that, I believe may not be possible. …
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I agree, here.

OP, You could still offer to occasionally meet with your cousin, even though you can no longer bring you children. As a parent, you must protect your children first and foremost. [BIBLEDRB]Luke 14:26[/BIBLEDRB]
Jesus warns us that occasionally we must chose God over family. If you can make clear that you are protecting you children, but still love you cousin, it may soften the blow.
 
kerkvliet said:
Our cousin, who is ‘married’ to another man, has just adopted a baby girl. We live in the same city and used to see them fairly regularly. Our young children have just assumed that these 2 men were friends. But now that they have adopted, it would be impossible to maintain this explanation and our children would be confused about the situation. We realize that we cannot continue to see them and will have to discuss this with them, but we are wondering how best to explain this to them. They do know that we are Catholic and we have had some discussions of our beliefs already. They see it as a rejection of themselves, but they fail to see that they are asking us to reject our values and principles to accomodate theirs.
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No matter how you tell them, at the very least I would expect that they would be deeply hurt and that it will forever damage your relationship. They may never speak to you again. Read through some of the threads on this forum and you will see that this never works out well.

And I would ask why bother?

I don’t know how old your kids are, but as soon as they go off to school this is the kind of stuff you have to deal with as a parent. I have a friend who’s daughter came home on the first day of Kindergarten wanting to know why her new friend had two mommies. Why write off a relationship with a family member over something you are going to have to face as a parent sooner or later anyway?

Seriously, this kind of stuff always amazes me. We’ve had this discussion with our first grader: some families have a mommy and daddy, two daddies, two mommies, a mommy and a step-daddy, etc, etc, etc. It’s disingenuous to pretend that you aren’t going to have to deal with this at some point anyway, and I don’t understand why - all other things being equal - you would write off a relationship with family and deprive your children of a couple of good “uncles” for no good reason.

Love them, explain your beliefs to your children and teach them to love others without judgement.
 
A gay couple has adopted a child. This does not mesh with your religious beliefs.

Do you shield your children from all who do not share your religious beliefs? If you had Jewish friends, who your refuse to see them with your kids, lest they think you thought you agreed that Christ is not our Messiah? Would you refuse to see family members who broke the commandment to keep the Sabbath, and did not go to church or mass?

And what about the child? Is he or she to have no family around, and not to benefit from growing up with your kids, because you have a different religious belief about gay marriage?

I say, see them! We have many friends who do not share all our religious beliefs. My own husband has a harder and harder time with some of them, and I do not keep him from our kids.

If your cousin was cruel to others, said hurtful things, treated you or your kids badly, I could see not exposing the kids to him. But this does not seem to be the case. When they are a little older, you can explain you have a difference of beliefs.
 
Dont hate…

And dont isolate…

Christ never isolated Himself from sinners…
 
This is very hard. I think I would start with “uncle Bob has adopted baby Suzy. Mr Ben, uncle Bob’s friend is a good friend to help him with the baby.” Depending on how old your kids are you could explain that uncle Bob and friend Ben think that it is ok for two men to raise a baby together, but that it is sad for baby Suzy because she won’t have a mother. The next step is to say the God designed it for every baby to have a mother and father, but because of bad things that happen on accident or because people don’t always do the best thing, not every baby is raised by their mom and dad.
That explains the issues of baby Suzy without getting into Bob and Ben being gay.
 
It is a relative whom you have decided may have a relationship with your child. Don’t cut him and his friend out now, not because they’ve welcomed a child into their home. After all, if one of them had a adopted as a single man, it would have been acceptable. Not optimal, not something you’d advise, necessarily, but not something that would cause you to cut the fellow out of your social circle.

As confusing as this situation might be to your child, the confusion of cutting someone out of their lives could be far more damaging and could inadvertently imply judgments that you don’t intend to teach. You’re just going to have to handle the confusion as the situations come up. “We don’t agree with what Jeff and John are doing, but we decided not to cut them out of our lives over it because we didn’t believe that cutting them out would change their choices. Now that they’ve taken Sarah into their home, we are not going to do anything to give her or anyone else the impression that we don’t accept her. No one deserves that.” And so on. At some point, you’ll undoubtedly have many conversations about how to handle it when friends or relatives make immoral choices and defend them. It is never an easy situation, and you don’t have to pretend that it is.

The truth is, the little girl is going to need women in her life and models of heterosexual relationships and families, and you and the other relatives may have to help out with that. It would be bad if the only family she doesn’t get to see in action is the Catholic family.
 
If teaching about love and hate is NOT a parenting issue, then nothing is…
 
Simple but effective guide:

What would Jesus do?

People criticized him for dining with “thieves”, sinners and all kinds of “bad” people. But what did He do? He gave them back their value and treated them with love. We can’t forget Mary Magdalen, she was a prostitute, but that didn’t stop Jesus from reaching out to her to show her real love.

I don’t think cutting off relationships helps anyone. If we can’t wellcome everybody, then we’re preaching nothing. That doesn’t mean you make your cousin’s relationship scenario “good” in the eyes of your children, and as some have mentioned before, you’re going to have to deal with this sooner or later, with ot without your cousin.

I’m no parent but I wish my parents would have been more sincere and loving when it came down to instruct me in many things in life, and I think it’s what you can do for your children. You will form much more educated, loving, compassionate children if you treat them this way.
 
EasterJoy said:
The truth is, the little girl is going to need women in her life and models of heterosexual relationships and families, and you and the other relatives may have to help out with that. It would be bad if the only family she doesn’t get to see in action is the Catholic family.
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And the little girl will need relationships with older women, mother types!
 
As always, my opinion is one for new baby. Every baby needs to be celebrated, loved and accepted. It is not the baby’s fault who the new parents are.Your cousin will not only see this as a rejection of his/her lifestyle but as a rejection of the new baby, even if this is not your intention.
Ssa is a result of brokenness.
We are called to show compassion to brokenness.

However, we are also called not to cause others to sin either, especially children, and children come first. So it would be best to have a heart to heart with your cousin, and tell him/her that you will be explaining the situation to your children in a way that will not cause confusion.

If this is too much for you right now, pray about the decision, until your heart settles. Everyone knows what they can handle and it is different for everyone.

I would still welcome the new baby from a distance, with cards, birthday presents etc.whatever you decide is right for your family.
 
Dacinom said:
Jesus associated with sinners on purpose to help convert them, Jesus was not an innocent young child at the time.

Ultimately this is not an issue about love or hate…this is a PARENTING issue. As a parent it is important to discern when your young child is ready to learn about sex, abortion, gay marriage…all kinds of things. Naturally we are all called to love one another I agree with you 100% but it is important that a parent know what a child is ready for and what they are not.

You know I explained sex to my daughter’s gradually, not all at once talking about different types of sex it would have been overwhelming. That wasn’t because I was trying to isolate them it was just common sense. When you are trying to raise a child that homosexuality is sinful it can be confusing to a young child to then go and visit two men they know “married”, especially very young children, with older children you might be able to sit down and explain it better. Right now these children believe these two men are just friends. I know many people that disagree and think it is best to expose your child to every lifestyle that exists in order to promote tolerance, I am just suggesting that this is not a love or hate issue it is a parenting issue. You can be on many sides of many issues and decide that your child is not ready to learn about a subject just yet, I know someone who did not discuss what suicide was with her young children because it would upset them but my children knew from a young age, that was just a parenting call, that’s all.

God bless.
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In this instance, why would the mechanics of the cousin’s sexual relationship need to be discussed at all? We’re talking about young children here. If the cousin were heterosexual with a live in girlfriend and they decided to adopt, would the mechanics of their sex life be discussed? I don’t think that’s an appropriate discussion for young children regardless of the circumstances.

I think the problem here is that by cutting them out, a parenting decision is still being made, and many would argue that it’s a poor one. What happens in 10 or 15 years when the kids know what homosexuality is, maybe they have friends that are gay or maybe they are gay themselves? What will they think if they know their parents cut all ties to cousin Jimmy just because he was gay and they didn’t agree with his lifestyle choices?
 
I honestly don’t see how adopting a baby girl changes your situation. You were willing to let them around your young children before the baby came into the picture and I am assuming you knew your kids would reach an age were they would figure it out.

I think the question (for which I admit I do not have an answer) is ‘how do I teach my children to love the sinner and hate the sin regardless of whether there is more outward evidence (such as a gay couple adopting a kid) or not.’
 
Many people on here obviously disagree with your position. However they are not really answering the question. If you as a Catholic feel that this would damage your children and you have already made that decision then that is not only your right, but your responsibility as well. Though others might make different choices you are asking how you can do this the best way possible. I would say that you may not be able to do it in a manner that does not cause some family disruption. However, if you are willing to put your beliefs as the primary motivator in this situation I would advise you to not say anything you do not have to. If possible, just be “busy” on most of those occasions. Should it come up from the cousin (it wont) then you could gently and vaguely give a reason.

I see nothing wrong with, “i’m sorry but my family and I will not be able to attend” You certainly have that right. Despite what others tell you you must expose your children to. You are their parent. You. You are the one responsible for their formation and what they are exposed to. Not some other person on CAF.
If you have made that decision. Others should offer advice on how to implement it best.
 
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