Gay cousin adopting--how to explain we can't have them around our young children?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for asking this, I will answer your question directly because this would have come up especially with one of my sons who when young was an observant and sensitive child. It is precisely because a visit would prompt a discussion of sexual matters that a visit would be avoided.

You are 100% correct, it is not appropriate to discuss the mechanics of the cousin’s sexual relationship with young children! Unfortunately if this family in question were my family and during the visit my son would to hear the men refer to one another as “husband” or perhaps see them embrace one another, he would have asked about it when we got home or in the car most definitely. This is why I chose to discuss this matter with him and my other children when they were ready and to avoid being forced to discuss this matter with him and my other children when they were a little older.

My children were raised to love everyone I just chose to expose them to different lifestyles gradually which some people interpret as hateful and I am sad for that.

God bless you.

Yes, It is all around us. I was watching a TV show in another room the other day. It was Brooklyn 99. It is a comedy about a police station. One of the characters is gay and talks about his husband often. My six year old daughter was just walking by and heard just that one phrase and asked why the man would say he had a “husband” It was one of those moments that I know that my enjoyment of entertainment can be detrimental to my children. So there I am talking about how the man on TV does not have a “husband” and moving on from there. We homeschool and the curriculum we use is Seton so it is pretty direct and orthodox with teaching Catholic theology.

My four year old has been saying she wants to marry daddy when she grows up. That is such a natural thing at that age and it is cute as we explain that one cannot marry their father but rather she could find a good man like her father to marry. She asks why she cannot marry mommy or daddy or her brother. We explain that marriage is not like that in the way a four year old can understand. We say that God created marriage and set the “rules”

My point is that children are naturally curious about the subject and when they find an oddity they will be even more so. So to think that a child will not notice these things is naive. They may catch on to it being unnatural faster than most adults who are stained by the world we live in.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

You wouldn’t cut out a cousin who was living with a member of the opposite sex, right? I understand that you are concerned about your kids. However, the best example you could give them would be to show kindness. Raise them Catholic. Explain as they get older. Pray about it. But cut the cousin out of your life? I think this the kind of thing Pope Francis has talked about- showing love to others above all else. Be an example of love to your kids. The rest will follow.

Interesting that you bring the Pope into this. He actually has addressed this issue before he was Pope and even very recently as Pope. As cardinal, not only did he rail against homosexual marriage but he called homosexual adoption demonic and a form of child abuse.
huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/13/pope-francis-gay-marriage-anti_n_2869221.html

Not only that but just recently, as Pope, he told a bishop that we should speak out against it. He even said he was “Shocked” by it.
blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/damianthompson/100252140/pope-francis-shocked-by-gay-adoption-will-time-take-back-its-person-of-the-year-award/

Now you can see how the media has created a shadow Pope, one who says “who am I to Judge”
But if we read and listen to our Holy Father, we must ask ourselves what is he calling us to do?

He addressed this issue specifically. So what is the Pope telling us to do? What would the Pope tell the OP to do? Probably nothing ANY of us have suggested. Probably evangelize the cousin and rescue the daughter from abuse.

 

[cerad2]

Our cousin, who is ‘married’ to another man, has just adopted a baby girl. We live in the same city and used to see them fairly regularly. Our young children have just assumed that these 2 men were friends. But now that they have adopted, it would be impossible to maintain this explanation and our children would be confused about the situation. We realize that we cannot continue to see them and will have to discuss this with them, but we are wondering how best to explain this to them. They do know that we are Catholic and we have had some discussions of our beliefs already. They see it as a rejection of themselves, but they fail to see that they are asking us to reject our values and principles to accomodate theirs.

It’s doubtful that they would want their little girl to be exposed to people like you. So you are probably worrying about nothing.

 

[holyrood]

Many people on here obviously disagree with your position. However they are not really answering the question. If you as a Catholic feel that this would damage your children and you have already made that decision then that is not only your right, but your responsibility as well. … If possible, just be “busy” on most of those occasions. Should it come up from the cousin (it wont) then you could gently and vaguely give a reason.

I see nothing wrong with, “i’m sorry but my family and I will not be able to attend” You certainly have that right.

I agree with this. To say, “They’ll see it anyway, so bring them on over,” to me is no different from saying, “They’ll be exposed to drugs and porn sooner or later, so you may as well do it yourself.”

I think it was an excellent point, too, that Jesus, an adult, associated with sinners while calling them to conversion. We are talking about children still learning, not about the Son of God calling someone to conversion of heart.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Our cousin, who is ‘married’ to another man, has just adopted a baby girl. We live in the same city and used to see them fairly regularly. Our young children have just assumed that these 2 men were friends. But now that they have adopted, it would be impossible to maintain this explanation and our children would be confused about the situation. We realize that we cannot continue to see them and will have to discuss this with them, but we are wondering how best to explain this to them. They do know that we are Catholic and we have had some discussions of our beliefs already. They see it as a rejection of themselves, but they fail to see that they are asking us to reject our values and principles to accomodate theirs.

if the children are old enough to even question, they are old enough to be explained that some people have differing views and do not live their lives according to what God wants. I’m always a little concerned when people want to keep everything and everyone who has a life opposing their views completely out of their kids view…what happens at school? What about TV? What about when they are older? The world is a big bad world, full of people who do things different to other people. Your kids will be far better placed to defend their faith (and keep to it), if they understand that some people do things differently, however as a catholic you don’t agree with them but you show them love and kindness like Jesus would and will pray for them.

I know and understand you want your children to be catholic, to remain true etc…but in the end they have to make that decision to love and follow Jesus and keep his commandments for themselves. Hiding them from the world will not help them.

 

[EasterJoy]

The main thing is to learn from mistakes of the past. Children born out of wedlock and children whose parents were divorced suffered terribly from misguided attempts to subject their parents to social consequences for their scandalous choices. The kindness of God and the compassion of Christianity sometimes got lost in the shuffle, and the scandal was taken not in how the sexual sinners were acting but in how the Christians were acting. The sexual sins seemed to pale in comparison.

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. The main thing is what is being taught, and that can’t be given short shrift in order to make it “easier” to teach. History teaches that this doesn’t work!

 

[ILIKECEREAL]

Some of the posters are saying to say to the child that only the uncle adopted and the “friend” is helping. Isn’t that a lie? Assuming they are adopting together of course.

 

[severus68]

Interesting that you bring the Pope into this. He actually has addressed this issue before he was Pope and even very recently as Pope. As cardinal, not only did he rail against homosexual marriage but he called homosexual adoption demonic and a form of child abuse.
huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/13/pope-francis-gay-marriage-anti_n_2869221.html

Not only that but just recently, as Pope, he told a bishop that we should speak out against it. He even said he was “Shocked” by it.
blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/damianthompson/100252140/pope-francis-shocked-by-gay-adoption-will-time-take-back-its-person-of-the-year-award/

Now you can see how the media has created a shadow Pope, one who says “who am I to Judge”
But if we read and listen to our Holy Father, we must ask ourselves what is he calling us to do?

He addressed this issue specifically. So what is the Pope telling us to do? What would the Pope tell the OP to do? Probably nothing ANY of us have suggested. Probably evangelize the cousin and rescue the daughter from abuse.

The poster was talking about love and charity. Showing love and charity is not about condoning gay marriage or adoption by gays.

Your second source quoted from the first source. The first source would not be the best or any kind of objective source.

The OP’s cousin knows about the OP’s religious beliefs. I am quite sure the Pope would not advise the OP to snatch the adopted child away. What abuse? Homosexuals are not all abusers, just like not all straight couples are abusers.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Even here on a Catholic website we are shaming parents for not wanting to bring their child around two homosexual husbands I don’t understand that, that is a parenting decision on what they believe is best for their children, just like spanking, organic foods, co-sleeping, stay-at-home-moms, circumcisions, immunizations or 1000 other controversial topics when it comes to raising children.

Yeah, and we shame each other about those, too.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

God bless you and thank you for sharing. You know I think this is simply a matter of parental style and timing if you boil it down, for my family my children came to know everything that everyone else’s children do! They just learned it a year-or-two later that’s all! I never intended to keep “everything and everyone” who had a life opposing my views away from my children. That would have been impossible and I don’t think that’s what the original poster is wanting to do here.

I didn’t raise my children to HATE homosexuals, I simply waited a bit longer to teach them about homosexuality. We live in a day and age where that is looked upon as hateful and bigoted and I am sad for that. Even here on a Catholic website we are shaming parents for not wanting to bring their child around two homosexual husbands I don’t understand that, that is a parenting decision on what they believe is best for their children, just like spanking, organic foods, co-sleeping, stay-at-home-moms, circumcisions, immunizations or 1000 other controversial topics when it comes to raising children. We all have our own style and philosophy and need to do what we think is best for our own children. God bless.

Oh I agree…every parent has a right to choose how to raise their children, however as we all know, no parents are perfect and sometimes do things which aren’t in the child’s best interest. I guess I take the view that children are far more understanding, adaptable and intelligent than we think they are. My two year old nephew without prompting from his parents and without copying them on that day turned to me and said “thank you for coming up”. I was quite impressed.

I see your point about waiting until later, but the OP has already made the decision to welcome them into her home. This will make explaining her decision now much more difficult and hurtful. Anyway she explains it will bring hurt unfortunately.

I’m less concerned for the child now and more for the OP when the child grows up. Allow me to explain…I’ve come from a secular home, when I started to look at religion, one of the most important aspects was how the people who claimed to be Christian acted (two greatest commandments etc, how did Jesus treat people). Now I am much older, I understand that no one is perfect. We are all sinners and some people are just misguided or have made a mistake but a couple of years ago the OP would have put me off Catholicism…

When the child is older and they are going through a rebellious stage either with religion or their parents, the decision the OP makes now could have a huge impact. Fundamentally this action is teaching to ostracize when you disagree and no matter how they cover it up for the child, children have a way of understanding far more than adults and they will know what is happening.

 

[oneofmany]

When I was little I had an aunt who lived with a man but was not married to him. My mother didn’t cut her off but she did let us kids know it was not right and she wished they would marry.

I think that is all you can do. Accept the person but not the sin. Now my aunt didn’t have any children so that wasn’t an issue. That may be a problem in the future when the little girl doesn’t have a mother and your children do. You can explain why marriage of this type does deprive a child of a live in mommy and that is sad. You can teach your children the child needs to have a woman in her life and you hope to help her. Never to be mean to her, since it isn’t her fault.

I would not buy into the guilt of not accepting their lifestyle as one that is normal and good though. Many of these marriages end in divorce. The little girl will need even more support if that happens.

 

[VanSensei]

If you’re so concerned about exposing your children to homosexuality, can’t you just tell them that they’re two guys with kids and that’s it? Television’s being taking the whiz out of that situation for years without anyone being gay. No need to beat them over the head with Catholic doctrine.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

My question for the OP and all who agree that it’s a “parenting choice” to not allow the gay couple and their child to be part of their family is would you feel the same way and make the same decision is the cousin was in an un-married heterosexual relationship and had a baby with her mate? If not, why not? Isn’t it the same thing?

I think it’s things like this that made Pope Francis say that were are “obsessed” with homosexuality. If we are going to condemn gay couples, we really need to start doing the same thing to all couples who are not “living by the rules”.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I would not explain it. (To either your cousin or your children.) I would just let it be another one of those relationship that slips away as time passes. Adults with small children often have difficulty getting together, even when they all agree with each other. It’s sad but it happens. I have to make effort to see friends and family–and I would certainly not go out of my way to expose my children to people who seem to think mothers are not important.

 

[georgie29]

Jesus didn’t turn away from people. He surrounded Himself with people that others found objectionable. Your cousin’s baby is part of your family, as is your cousin. An explanation of homosexuality is not needed for young children. That topic is years away. Think about being a loving relative to your cousin, his baby, and even his partner.

 

[Nelka]

:bible1:

 

[child_of_God85]

How would you feel if your cousin told you he cant allow you to be part of hi life because of your religious beliefs?

 

[oneofmany]

How would you feel if your cousin told you he cant allow you to be part of hi life because of your religious beliefs?

If that happened to me, and it does happen more than you know when someone has a different religion or world view on things, I would have to accept their decision. We can pray for them but we still would need to respect their decision. It goes both ways and that is not meant to be a pun.

 

[rebeccanew]

This is very hard. I think I would start with “uncle Bob has adopted baby Suzy. Mr Ben, uncle Bob’s friend is a good friend to help him with the baby.” Depending on how old your kids are you could explain that uncle Bob and friend Ben think that it is ok for two men to raise a baby together, but that it is sad for baby Suzy because she won’t have a mother. The next step is to say the God designed it for every baby to have a mother and father, but because of bad things that happen on accident or because people don’t always do the best thing, not every baby is raised by their mom and dad.
That explains the issues of baby Suzy without getting into Bob and Ben being gay.

There are a lot of single Dads raising their children alone. Keep it simple- Suzie has two Dads. You don’t know who the Mom is because she is adopted. Every child has a biological mother and father-at least for now.