Genetic and Painful Discouragements Against Marriage; Need Counsel

[ethereality]

I have a sex drive, and it appears the only way to satisfy it is to marry. However, I do not want to bring children into this painful world if God does not exist (nor do I wish to live in it myself), and it seems to me I have no knowledge or evidence that God exists, but only the hope that God exists and arguments to try to convince myself that He does.

Additionally, I have some genetic problems (e.g. severe myopia, bunions) that I don’t want anyone else to suffer, and an impoverishing debt from American usury. Finally, I am concerned about an inability to experience or give sexual pleasure due to the decision of my parents, which a moderator has seemingly forbidden public discussion of (so please PM me as needed).

All these factors lead me to despair of dating or marriage until God gives me some reassurance of His presence and guidance. I am asking for your help because I am trying to live in accordance with God’s will, and to stop self-destructive habits such as engaging sexual fantasy. My parents tell me I should “just focus on getting my degree or a better job”, but this neglects my emotional and sexual needs. What are your thoughts on all this? Do you have advice or counsel?

Bio: I am a 28-years-old American male, $137k debt with an average 7.1% interest rate, currently in the initial stages of a PhD program making roughly $15k/year in Japan (trying to get into a residency around $45k/year in the USA to get my career back on track). Single, virgin, never dated. I have trouble starting conversations with unknown women in the school cafeteria and there are effectively no social opportunities to meet women here, and it seems most of them are inclined to pursue careers rather than marriage (a noted problem in Japan, which I think is on the rise globally). Roughly 1% of Japan is Christian. My Japanese is still inadequate for much conversation.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I don’t see your situation as hopeless. But you’re right that you do have a few possible obstacles to marriage, though hopefully not insurmountable.

Let’s start with the hardest and work our way down.

The inability to have sexual relations is a key factor that affects the validity of your future marriage. If you are 100% incapable of having sex (NOT the ability to have children) then you cannot consummate a marriage, then you cannot validly enter into marriage. But most people aren’t 100% incapable, they are able to sometimes and others not. Or able to with the help of modern medicine. The church does allow the use of medicine to help this problem which can enable persons otherwise incapable of sex to become capable of sex. But that is a question you will have to talk to your doctor about. You will have to mention this issue with your future wife and the priest marrying the two of you, and your future wife would have to be open to this and accept the consequences.

The second issue is not wishing to pass a serious genetic issue on to a future child, for these and other serious reasons the Church mercifully allows the use of NFP.

The third is the huge debt. With you earning a PhD, you have reasonable hope of being able to start making big moves to pay that down someday. Even if not, as long as your wife understands the problem, accepts it and the consequences and is willing to marry you even still then there’s not any impediment to you marrying then.

 

[ethereality]

Convert, you didn’t carefully read what I wrote. I explicitly mentioned pleasure, not any inability to complete the act itself.

NFP cannot be used to avoid children in the manner you suggest without the sin of not being open to life, which itself can invalidate a marriage. Marriage must be open to life, and what you are suggesting is to misuse NFP from a fear of creating damaged children. NFP is to prayerfully space children, not to seek to avoid them entirely.

Finally, your suggestion “Maybe you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind living in poverty” does not reassure me, especially when we consider how finances are often cited as a reason for divorce – after those people had entered into the marriage lovey-dovey promising each other the world.

 

[ack]

I would advise against marrying right now, but not for any of the reasons in your post…

I would advise against it because you seem to find your current life to be pretty unbearable, and it would be better to work on that before bringing someone else into it all.

As annoying as myopia and bunions are, I’m guessing that most people don’t find them to be so unbearable that they would feel better off never having been born.

At least try to get to a point where things are bearable first (note that I said “bearable”, not satisfied or even content).

 

[Xantippe]

Convert, you didn’t carefully read what I wrote. I explicitly mentioned pleasure, not any inability to complete the act itself.

NFP cannot be used to avoid children in the manner you suggest without the sin of not being open to life, which itself can invalidate a marriage. Marriage must be open to life, and what you are suggesting is to misuse NFP from a fear of creating damaged children. NFP is to prayerfully space children, not to seek to avoid them entirely.

Finally, your suggestion “Maybe you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind living in poverty” does not reassure me, especially when we consider how finances are often cited as a reason for divorce – after those people had entered into the marriage lovey-dovey promising each other the world.

How about a therapist?

I believe some do therapy via Skype.

That could be very helpful to you.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Convert, you didn’t carefully read what I wrote. I explicitly mentioned pleasure, not any inability to complete the act itself.

NFP cannot be used to avoid children in the manner you suggest without the sin of desiring contraception, i.e. not being open to life, which itself can invalidate a marriage. Marriage must be open to life, and what you are suggesting is to misuse NFP from a fear of creating damaged children. NFP is to prayerfully space children, not to seek to avoid them entirely.

Finally, your suggestion “Maybe you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind living in poverty” does not reassure me, especially when we consider how finances are often cited as a reason for divorce – after people entered into the marriage lovey-dovey promising each other the world.

Actually, genetic reasons are one of the reasons mentioned by Pope Pius XII for avoiding children. See Casti Canubii, section 66. Licit methods of avoiding conception (periodic or extended abstinence) are acceptable for use when there are genetic concerns, though abortion is, of course, always forbidden.

That having been said, and I do not mean to be sarcastic when I say it, I hardly think that bunions or shortsightedness are exactly such dreadful conditions that one must morally avoid conceiving children because of them. Of course, I say that as someone with both. Having spent many years working in retail while wearing dress shoes (women’s dress shoes are notoriously bad for one’s feet), my bunions are not unimpressive in appearance, and without correction, I’m legally blind. However, in our wonderful first-world society, the only limitations they’ve ever placed on me is that I’ll never be a fighter pilot or a foot model, and my days of wearing six-inch heels are decidedly behind me. My life’s worth living anyway, I assure you.

Lastly, if you plan on marrying someone you can’t trust to be with you through good and bad financial times, there are deeper problems afoot…pun intended for levity. There are no guarantees in life, financial or otherwise. You make the best effort you can, and work from there.

 

[Xantippe]

That having been said, and I do not mean to be sarcastic when I say it, I hardly think that bunions or shortsightedness are exactly such dreadful conditions that one must morally avoid conceiving children because of them. Of course, I say that as someone with both. Having spent many years working in retail while wearing dress shoes (women’s dress shoes are notoriously bad for one’s feet), my bunions are not unimpressive in appearance, and without correction, I’m legally blind. However, in our wonderful first-world society, the only limitations they’ve ever placed on me is that I’ll never be a fighter pilot or a foot model, and my days of wearing six-inch heels are decidedly behind me. My life’s worth living anyway, I assure you.

Right. I’m blind as a bat without glasses and have a bad foot. Life goes on.

In fact, I married a guy with AMAZING natural vision and so far, our kids seem to take after him.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Convert, you didn’t carefully read what I wrote. I explicitly mentioned pleasure, not any inability to complete the act itself.

NFP cannot be used to avoid children in the manner you suggest without the sin of desiring contraception, i.e. not being open to life, which itself can invalidate a marriage. Marriage must be open to life, and what you are suggesting is to misuse NFP from a fear of creating damaged children. NFP is to prayerfully space children, not to seek to avoid them entirely.

Finally, your suggestion “Maybe you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind living in poverty” does not reassure me, especially when we consider how finances are often cited as a reason for divorce – after people entered into the marriage lovey-dovey promising each other the world.

Okay you said you had trouble with sex because of a medical issue that can’t be mentioned I figured you meant some form of impotency.

To want to love someone and have sexual relations is certainly a valid reason to seek out marriage

NFP is allowed to be used indefinitely also, not just for spacing…if there is a serious enough reason. That’s the Church’s teaching.

That’s the truth about the money, your future wife will have to be told and accept marrying you and the consequences of debt. There’s no “nice” way to put that. My husband had debt when we married if that boosts your hope any.

 

[Allegra]

Myopia and bunions? Seriously? You can’t have children because you don’t want to pass along myopia and bunions? Haven’t you heard of arch supports and glasses? Or therapy, for that matter? Think about this logically for a moment. You are despairing over minor imperfections in the world like nearsightedness and a (probably completely irrational) concern that you won’t enjoy sex. You’re blaming your own debt on “American Usary” as if that’s some sort of inescapable force. Don’t you see that none of that is normal? You ought to see somebody. That kind of despair doesn’t often go away on its own. If you get some help, the world may not seem so horrible and you could be emotionally ready to seek out romantic relationships. Right now, your main concern seems to be appeasing your sexual appetite, and not any genuine desire for love, companionship, family, or anything that would lead a woman to believe that you are interested in living out a vocation of marriage.

 

[1ke]

I believe you need advice from a trained, professional therapist not from those of us here on CAF who know little or nothing of your physical and psychological situation. This is way beyond the scope of CAF advice.

 

[ethereality]

I wonder if some people here haven’t confused “e.g.” with “i.e.” ‘E.g.’ means exempli gratia, “for the sake of example.” ‘I.e.’ means id est, a Latin phrase meaning “that is," which would imply a listing. So what I wrote is not an exhaustive list. Some responders seemed to think the items I mentioned were my only problems

I make this clarification to say that I think people here have underestimated how much I suffer. To say a little more (still not a complete description), I am living with chronic pain (e.g. often every step I take hurts) and partial blindness (so many floaters that they overlap and become opaque, so I’m looking at the world through snowglobes, so to speak). I hate my life, and it bothers me that God could heal me but hasn’t yet or won’t. I feel like a homeless person asking for chump change and some self-righteous billionaire can’t be bothered to reach into his pocket. Every day I have to tell myself that this isn’t the case, that my suffering is good for me, but it does seem to parallel a domestic violence case, “He hits me 'cause he loves me.”

I believe you need advice from a trained, professional therapist not from those of us here on CAF who know little or nothing of your physical and psychological situation.

Yes, but I have no access to one, and if I am able to return to the United States, I will not be able to afford one – or, if required to purchase health insurance, every visit to one will put me further in debt. So your reply functionally is “Suffer in silence,” if I cannot seek help online at forums like these.

And perhaps…you could let your children decide whether or not they want to live or not in this world.
They might choose to find it wonderful.

The way you’ve presented this idea strikes me as … Well, I don’t know a nice way to say it. The fact is that once here, suicide is strongly discouraged – people threaten your existence will be infinitely worse if you try to leave this world “prematurely” – so, no, it’s not correct to think that one is “giving children a free choice whether to live here” by creating them. No, parents create people in this world, and they really don’t have a free choice to leave it.

 

[1ke]

Yes, but I have no access to one, and if I am able to return to the United States, I will not be able to afford one – or, if required to purchase health insurance, every visit to one will put me further in debt. So your reply functionally is “Suffer in silence,” if I cannot seek help online at forums like these.

Forum rules do not allow giving medical or psychological advice. There are therapists who work over Skype and work on sliding scale.

 

[ethereality]

Forum rules do not allow giving medical or psychological advice. There are therapists who work over Skype and work on sliding scale.

Perhaps we could talk more about Skype therapists in PM, but as for forum rules, people could abide by them and talk about the matters I’ve raised without providing medical or psychological advice.

I’m not even really sure what you mean by “psychological advice”, as people make posts here all the time that could be classified as such.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I’m thinking 1ke’s advice of a therapist may be beneficial. I do see some major signs of depression and possibly being at risk for suicide in your posts. Also talk to a priest, they are free and can help you some too.

 

[Allegra]

I wonder if some people here haven’t confused “e.g.” with “i.e.” ‘E.g.’ means exempli gratia, “for the sake of example.” ‘I.e.’ means id est, a Latin phrase meaning “that is," which would imply a listing. So what I wrote is not an exhaustive list. Some responders seemed to think the items I mentioned were my only problems

I make this clarification to say that I think people here have underestimated how much I suffer. To say a little more (still not a complete description), I am living with chronic pain (e.g. often every step I take hurts) and partial blindness (so many floaters that they overlap and become opaque, so I’m looking at the world through snowglobes, so to speak). I hate my life, and it bothers me that God could heal me but hasn’t yet or won’t. I feel like a homeless person asking for chump change and some self-righteous billionaire can’t be bothered to reach into his pocket. Every day I have to tell myself that this isn’t the case, that my suffering is good for me, but it does seem to parallel a domestic violence case, “He hits me 'cause he loves me.”

Yes, but I have no access to one, and if I am able to return to the United States, I will not be able to afford one – or, if required to purchase health insurance, every visit to one will put me further in debt. So your reply functionally is “Suffer in silence,” if I cannot seek help online at forums like these.

The way you’ve presented this idea strikes me as … Well, I don’t know a nice way to say it. The fact is that once here, suicide is strongly discouraged – people threaten your existence will be infinitely worse if you try to leave this world “prematurely” – so, no, it’s not correct to think that one is “giving children a free choice whether to live here” by creating them. No, parents create people in this world, and they really don’t have a free choice to leave it.

I believe you are suffering, but I think you have misplaced the real cause of your suffering. I have a brother who can’t walk. He is paralyzed from the waist down. I have multiple family members who are deaf as stones. Their cochlea are deformed. They can’t even use an implant. I have a student who has Brittle Bone Disease. She can’t do many of the physical things that children her age do for fear of breaking her bones. Even as careful as she is, she generally breaks at least two in a year. None of them show the despair that you have. None of them believe the world is so bad that they don’t want to bring children into it. You really need to seek proffessional help, wherever you can get it. This is highly unlikely to get better on its own.

 

[ethereality]

Also talk to a priest, they are free and can help you some too.

I’ve already tried this, again, no success. Usually my pastor is too busy, but when I’ve managed to sit down and speak with him, usually no progress is made (he is an emotional just-feel-good priest, not a theologian or rational thinker), and it’s only a temporary band-aid (as I generally become emotionally drained through describing my problems). Example of conversation:

“Why doesn’t God heal me? Or why doesn’t God help me to understand why I am suffering? I try to pray before the tabernacle, or sit quietly and listen, and I experience nothing but an empty church.”
“You say it is God who should do something, but maybe it is God who is waiting on you to do something!”
“If God is waiting on me to do something, then He needs to give me more grace to figure out what it is I’m supposed to do, because I’m already doing everything I can!”
“It is good for you to struggle with yourself. You are like Isaac wrestling with the angel of the Lord.”

I hope you can see how I don’t really learn anything or get anything out of such conversations except emotional exhaustion, which perhaps causes a certain cortisone release so I feel a little better just after talking a lot.

I don’t think you understand the situation in Japan. There is basically no one I can talk to here. And, until I become fluent in Japanese, there are no therapists, either.

 

[ethereality]

I believe you are suffering, but I think you have misplaced the real cause of your suffering. I have [people in my life with debilitating or crippling illnesses.] None of them show the despair that you have.

It seems to me that when suffering is of such a radical nature, belief in God becomes necessary for survival, an adaptation, that they really don’t have the ability to think otherwise. Perhaps I am also at that point, because I do not have the psychological capability to face this world without God. Perhaps the difference is that my reading of the Bible indicates that God has promised to heal us if we meet His prerequisites, and no one has been able to point out an error in my interpretation, whereas they don’t have this belief.

You really need to seek professional help, wherever you can get it.

Repeating what 1ke has already said doesn’t change my reality: The fact is there is no professional help available for me. I am in Japan and not fluent in Japanese, have no means of returning to the United States, and I cannot afford it.

 

[1ke]

Perhaps JPII’s Salvifici Doloris, Fr Benedict Groeschel’s books on suffering, or Peter Kreeft’s book on suffering would be helpful.

 

[ethereality]

Perhaps JPII’s Salvifici Doloris, Fr Benedict Groeschel’s books on suffering, or Peter Kreeft’s book on suffering would be helpful.

I’ve read the first and the last (Making Sense of Suffering), and they are a kind of literary hug, and they make sense on paper, but not in reality, so to speak. It’s like, “That’s nice, but you haven’t given me any reason to think it’s true.” Or, even if I tell myself that it is true, it still doesn’t help once I put the book down and return to reality. Suffering causes misery, and this is the problem that those books do not solve. Perhaps it is the “mystery” and these books have helped me to “live with it”, but this does not translate into desiring to bring others into this “mystery of suffering” – I really don’t see that it’s worth it. If God thinks it’s worth it, and wants me to participate, then, as I’ve said, He needs to help me more – and this is another way of restating the problem: He hasn’t.

I don’t have access to any of Groeschel’s writings.

 

[ack]

Yes, but I have no access to one, and if I am able to return to the United States, I will not be able to afford one – or, if required to purchase health insurance, every visit to one will put me further in debt. So your reply functionally is “Suffer in silence,” if I cannot seek help online at forums like these.

If you can’t access a therapist in Japan, what about a psychiatrist, who would be part of the regular medical system which you presumably somehow have access to?

It’s possible that you’re not suffering from any kind of mood disorder which would merit medical treatment. On the other hand, it’s also possible that you are. I don’t think you can exclude either possibility unless you see an appropriate medical professional, recount an accurate description of your mood and outlook, and see what he or she says.