Gentle response to MIL's "surprises"?

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I have to WHOLE HEARTEDLY AGREE with everyone! I speak from personal experience. Luckily I married a strong man…or atleast he became one in my eyes after we married.

My MIL is passive aggressive and completely untactful. Things just FLY out of her mouth and leave me floored. In the beginning (dating) my DH would down play EVERYTHING, ‘oh, she didn’t mean it like that’, ‘oh, you took it the wrong way’ even to the extreme of denying she said things. In my stupidity we got married anyway. Things got conitunally worse until I was about 8 mn pg with DS and just about lost it on her. We went to counseling and the counselor told him what all the PP are telling you that your fiance should do; STAND UP TO YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER TO CLOSE HER TRAP. He did it, she cried, she ranted and she didn’t talk to us for a time. But slowly it blew over and we began spending time with them. Today I love my MIL. She still has issues with ‘foot in the mouth’ disease but I accept her and if I feel like she steps out of line, I speak up or if it’s too big, my DH will.

I lucked out, my DH kind of had an eye opening from the counselor and from our parish priest. So I feel very blessed.

It has to be very hard hearing everyone say cut your losses and run. But they are right, if changes aren’t made, you need to very prayerfull consider leaving.

I’m sorry you are going thru this, but it really is better that you notice it and deal with it now B 4 you promise 'til death do you part! Is this really how you want to spend the next 40 years?
 
SilenceISgolden said:
‘foot in the mouth’ disease
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That just reminded me of something humorous I’ve always wanted to do: carry a bottle of one of those liquids used to treat foot or toenail fungus and when someone “put their foot in their mouth”, hand him/her the bottle and tell them to gargle.
 
brioche said:
And when I get really disturbed and have trouble breathing/ eating, she cheerfully tells me I should not give in to the feeling difficult breathing!
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She is a doctor and she makes a statement like this to you?

:rolleyes:

That to me indicates it’s more than a personality issue and is in “real problem” territory.

If you can’t eat dinner in her house even now, pre-marriage, without it affecting you physically, I’d agree with everyone who says, “deal with this now”.

What sort of a person sees their behaviour triggering a physical reaction like that and just dismisses it and blithely continues on their way? Wouldn’t most of us be horrified and contrite and vow never to do it again? I’d be absolutely mortified if I knew something I’d done triggered an attack for someone with an anxiety disorder.

I can tell you exactly what I’d be saying to a spouse or BF who saw me having an attack where I couldn’t breathe and said, “sorry I won’t do anything to stop her triggering these attacks because I don’t want to offend her”.
 
Run away, run away!!!

If he hasn’t stood up to her by now, it’s going to be extremely difficult for him to muster up the fortitude to do so. There is nothing good that can come out of this for you.

My daughter’s future MIL is a passive aggressive control freak who lashes out at anyone who isn’t with her program. However, my precious future SIL, after years of being beaten down, developing an anxiety disorder, etc., stood up to her and still does, and to his father, a real type A personality who would invariably support his wife. I am so proud of almost-SIL. Needless to say, his mother is furious that she can’t control him and resents my daughter for it, but that’s her problem, not theirs.

You deserve better than a verbally abusive MIL and a husband who doesn’t put you first.
 
brioche,
Honestly, I would never hitch my wagon to such a situation.
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me too, not in a million lifetimes.

if i spoke to my daughter-in-law a tenth as flippantly (or as suggested, passively aggrssively, which equals abuse) as you future mother-in-law speaks to you, my son would pack her up, walk outa here and i’d not see them again for a loooong time.

why? because while he is commanded to honor his father and mother, his first vocation is to his wife.

your guy is paralyzed. if he doesn’t see the problem, or sees it as unfixable, how are you going to change that?

you can try and tough it out, but you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself for a lifetime of misery from this gal and a lifetime of resenting the fellow. it won’t be their fault-- it will be yours. you won’t be a victim, you’ll be a volunteer.
 
monicatholic said:
you can try and tough it out, but you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself for a lifetime of misery from this gal and a lifetime of resenting the fellow. it won’t be their fault-- it will be yours. you won’t be a victim, you’ll be a volunteer.
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Exactly what I was thinking. If you go through with it, you must be willing to acknowledge that you agreed to all of it by saying “I do”.

You can’t change them; you can only change yourself.
 
I’ve been avoiding her to get a little peace of mind… I’ve been praying for a bit of wisdom and for the courage to be myself… My psychologist says I should be myself and give spontaneous answers even if someone saw me as impertinent, but when I try to imagine myself giving a spontaneous reply to my MIL, my boyfriend’s words come to my mind “my parents don’t like it when they state X and you say it’s a matter of taste”… “they feel it’s disrespectful when you contradict them” " I know they’re narrow minded, but they want THIS kind of respect"

And she is they type of conservative person that would say “what kind of Christian are you if you are stubborn and impertinent, if you don’t treat your elders with respect”

I have a similar battle with my parents, only that I don’t live with them anymore and they are slowly getting used to me being “impertinent”, which is making my own decisions and not agreeing with them all the time.
 
brioche said:
I’ve been avoiding her to get a little peace of mind… I’ve been praying for a bit of wisdom and for the courage to be myself… My psychologist says I should be myself and give spontaneous answers even if someone saw me as impertinent, but when I try to imagine myself giving a spontaneous reply to my MIL, my boyfriend’s words come to my mind “my parents don’t like it when they state X and you say it’s a matter of taste”… “they feel it’s disrespectful when you contradict them” " I know they’re narrow minded, but they want THIS kind of respect"

And she is they type of conservative person that would say “what kind of Christian are you if you are stubborn and impertinent, if you don’t treat your elders with respect”

I have a similar battle with my parents, only that I don’t live with them anymore and they are slowly getting used to me being “impertinent”, which is making my own decisions and not agreeing with them all the time.
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I think that there is a line between standing up for yourself, something that you need to do and being rude. Itdepends on the company that you are with. You need a stronger, more forcful approach with your MIL. Tell her to mind her own business or that you don’t appreciate her attitude.

But I disagree with the advice to give spontaneous answers without forethought. This is exactly what your MIL is doing and I don’t think that you want to train yourself to be like her.
 
Having a similar MIL myself, I can give you one advise: make sure your BF backs you up 100%. Provide a UNITED front, or else your relationship will be doomed from the start. MIL managed to manipulate, give subtle digs and come out with weird remarks for almost 20 years with my ex-SIL, and in the end it destroyed their marriage. She’s now doing the same with my BIL’s GF and my BIL2’s GF and I can just SEE the resentment building…Me?! I was firm but fair from day 1 ‘Excuse me, I’m sure you didn’t mean to say that, how rude’, ‘Oh, I see you have a special sense of humour, which comes across as very rude to me’ and such…she fought it for a little bit, then realised me and dh were united in fronting her emotional abuse (boy, how he suffered through the years!) and now, she knows ONE wrong word and the conversation is ended. So, for the sake of her 2 lovely granddaughters, she has now learnt to put up and shut up.

Honestly, there may be many reasons why she is the way she is…but that does NOT make it right! Don’t be a victim!

Anna x
 
Hello, I have a different perspective.

When I met my MIL I really had a hard time, she was nice enough, but would basically say anything that came into her head, no filter at all. Ever see “everybody loves Raymond”? I wonder if they had a hidden camera into her home.

My DH was pretty oblivious to the situation, and we would argue. But then I came to this huge understanding. DH was aware of the problem, how could he not be?.. if she was critical of me…of course she would be critical of him, significantly more. He then clued me in on his coping mechanism. He would tune her out… I think men in general are good at tuning out things.

One time i was complaining to him about something in her behavior towards me and he sighed, “Don’t you think I’ve dealt with her for 36 years… now its your turn.” Well truthfully it was funny we really laughed about that.

If your BF is a good man, don’t let his mom scare you away. Don’t be timid and wait for him to defend you—he might have tuned her out and is thinking of something else. Defend your self, gently. Say, “It hurts my feelings for you to do (XYZ) I really want to get along…but you need to respect my feelings too” Be prepared to say it often. Of course if things get more serious, like she lies about you, insults you in malice, or refuses to acknowledge your presence, then you have him defend you. But the smaller things, speak up! Unless she is a wicked witch of the west, she can understand.

Truthfully, I’ve been tempted to run to the hills many a time, but I would have lost out on a good husband and my little kids. And after almost 13 years, she has mellowed out … a bit.
 
1. dh needs to stand up for you NOW. it’s not acceptable for any real gentleman to let anyone, even his dear mama, speak to his wife in such a manner. the end. no excuses.
2. you can simply return in kind or tell her you have no intention of getting used to being spoken to so rudely. findly like rude people in a book does not aid her cause either - it just means there’s other rude adults in the world. no big shocker there.
3. would you let her speak to YOUR children this way? because I’d bet $100 that she will.:mad: nip it now. best case is she calls you such names in fron tof your kids even if she doesn’t call them names - which is not going to help you raise children who respect you.
4. she’s full of hooey about saying they’re terms of endearment. you can bet she’s go enough manners to know better too. she wouldn’t treat a stranger like that and you are worth at least as much consideration as a stranger.
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
she wouldn’t treat a stranger like that and you are worth at least as much consideration as a stranger.
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This is my acid test for any treatment I receive from family … if you wouldn’t have said that to the lady next door with her husband listening, you will not get away with saying it to me. Within the context of a personal relationship, I am worth more consideration than a stranger. And so are you, brioche.
 
Originally Posted by brioche forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_cad/viewpost.gif
*I Boyfriend has been very supportive when I went through bad times with my anxiety, but does not want to talk to his mother directly, he’s the soft type(or afraid of her?), he’d rather ask his father to talk to her about it…He is like" I see you’re hurting, but I can’t change my parents… and they have done so much for me"
*
puzzleannie said:
this is the root of the issue
before you even contemplate marriage with this man, find out if he will support you or support his mother, defend you or allow his mother to trample on your feelings and rights. do not even think of going into marriage with a man who is always going to choose his mother, parents, or family over you. it is a real deal breaker.
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Oh, yeah, I totally agree with puzzleannie! You know, it may be true that FMIL is picky, or particular, or lovable the way she is. But having a hubby with no sense of caring and protection for you is a big bad sign! :eek:

I didn’t marry into the nicest of ILs at all and they’ve done their dirty deeds. But I decided to go along with the marriage because DH showed that he knew what was right and wrong, loving and unloving and he could protect me as his wife.

If you don’t see your BF doing that now, don’t expect him to get any better after you are married! He is supposed to love you and cherish you and your future kids above all else in this world (God being supernatural). Why settle for someone who will cater to abusive and manipulative parents and who will let them hurt you?
 
brioche said:
And she is they type of conservative person that would say “what kind of Christian are you if you are stubborn and impertinent, if you don’t treat your elders with respect”
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What kind of Christian is she to say the type of things she is saying in the first place? You can counter by telling her to get the beam out of her own eye first - and quote her chapter and verse on that one.
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
  1. would you let her speak to YOUR children this way?
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I was going to bring this point up myself. If something were to happen to you and your husband and your children were left without parents, would you want this “woman” raising your kids and risk subjecting them to verbal and emotional abuse?
 
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