Gentlemen: Top 10 Qualities When Choosing a Wife

[SonOfMan]

1. Honest
2. Patient
3. Moral
4. Easy-going, but not reckless
5. Serious when needed, but not constantly uptight
6. Caring, self-sacrificing
7. Responsible
8. Big hearted
9. Has family values
10. Has high self-esteem

 

[Sarcelle]

Agreements and arrangements are okay, as are informal parental instructions, but a ‘policy’ sounds too much like legislation, and I personally don’t think legislating, lawmaking etc. is the way to go in a family; rather, it’s too harsh. This is just to register my thoughts and feelings about the matter, not to bash anyone who manages his family in a different way than I would, if I had one to manage.

I beg to differ. The family is not a democracy especially where minor aged kids are concerned. Parents are expected to set policy in terms of behavior. The clearer and more consistently enforced the policy, the better for children. My parents ran the household like the military.

Hmm, come to think of it, that was why I felt so at home when I was in the military.

 

[chevalier]

I beg to differ. The family is not a democracy especially where minor aged kids are concerned. Parents are expected to set policy in terms of behavior. The clearer and more consistently enforced the policy, the better for children. My parents ran the household like the military.

Hmm, come to think of it, that was why I felt so at home when I was in the military.

Sigh. That’s an alien sentiment to me, considering the military traditions in my own family (plus very strong-willed parents and other senior relatives), but a normal family is neither a military camp not a cloister. It is not a democracy, for sure (though I wonder how the adults arrive at the rules for themselves — I’m pretty sure they aren’t all dictated by the husband to the wife, now are they?), but subjecting a wife or child to military or monastic discipline is wrong.

As it would be wrong for a husband and father to play the gov’t or judge game and start handing down his decrees on paper. (Or start receiving salutes. Just saying.)

Yes, you get to make rules and settle disputes. No, you don’t get to publish ordinances or hold court and put on a black robe. (Just like you don’t get to march your family around the courtyard for daily drill.)

 

[pensmama87]

I beg to differ. The family is not a democracy especially where minor aged kids are concerned. Parents are expected to set policy in terms of behavior. The clearer and more consistently enforced the policy, the better for children. My parents ran the household like the military.

I’m not quite military rigid, but I have definitely fallen onto the side of crystal clear expectations. This is a lesson I’ve learned from parenting and from teaching high school.

Being crystal clear about expectations goes both ways, too. My children know without a doubt that my husband and I will feed them, clothe them, shelter them, and love them.

Children need to know in clear, certain terms how things work to feel safe and secure. Safe and secure children are more confident and behave better than when the rules shift and change or seem subject to whims.

That doesn’t necessarily mean I need to make elaborate charts or systems for rewards and punishments, though some parents do that. But my kids know exactly where the line is and it does not move. It is called, “When mommy says something, she means what she says.”

 

[pensmama87]

Sigh. That’s an alien sentiment to me, considering the military traditions in my own family (plus very strong-willed parents and other senior relatives), but a normal family is neither a military camp not a cloister. It is not a democracy, for sure (though I wonder how the adults arrive at the rules for themselves — I’m pretty sure they aren’t all dictated by the husband to the wife, now are they?), but subjecting a wife or child to military or monastic discipline is wrong.

As it would be wrong for a husband and father to play the gov’t or judge game and start handing down his decrees on paper. (Or start receiving salutes. Just saying.)

Yes, you get to make rules and settle disputes. No, you don’t get to publish ordinances or hold court and put on a black robe. (Just like you don’t get to march your family around the courtyard for daily drill.)

Are you possibly confusing style with substance?

Some kids do well with visual reminders, which could be considered a “decree on paper.” There could be a written list of rules or chores to be done. There could be mandated outdoor time (one homeschooling mom blogger I read does calisthenics with her kids every day as part of their physical education. Is that “marching her family around the courtyard for daily drill?”)

 

[chevalier]

Sigh. That’s an alien sentiment to me

Ooops, ‘not an alien sentiment,’ sorry.

Are you possibly confusing style with substance?

Some kids do well with visual reminders, which could be considered a “decree on paper.” There could be a written list of rules or chores to be done. There could be mandated outdoor time (one homeschooling mom blogger I read does calisthenics with her kids every day as part of their physical education. Is that “marching her family around the courtyard for daily drill?”)

I certainly don’t mean innocent ‘honey do’ lists on the fridge or a checklist for a child. But when you have to check with Section 23(1)(a) of Dad-and-Hubby’s Ordinance no. 37, then you have a problem.

 

[Xantippe]

Ooops, ‘not an alien sentiment,’ sorry.

I certainly don’t mean innocent ‘honey do’ lists on the fridge or a checklist for a child. But when you have to check with Section 23(1)(a) of Dad-and-Hubby’s Ordinance no. 37, then you have a problem.

I don’t think we’re talking about that.

 

[marymary1975]

Yes, you ladies can be quite oblivious to that. For some decades now (centuries? who knows) there’s been licence to put men down, perhaps just as men have been making patronizing jokes about women and putting them down in general.

I don’t mind a shrew, personally, I tend to take a liking to headstrong types, but what sits ill with me is the modern pattern of women thinking it’s cool to push men around, put them down, try to humiliate them on purpose or just act out of control and out of bounds.

I didn’t put that on the so called ‘my list’, but it’s still an important factor to me, yes. I’m sympathetic toward a certain disappointment with the male sex in general, as well as a certain sense of pride and being exceptional in being a woman, even a certain amount of prejudice against men; I can be sympathetic toward relationship issues in general, but there are limits past which it just doesn’t work. Notably when it crosses the line of contempt*, as that is something I wouldn’t be able to bear with in a woman supposed to marry me and stay that way, no matter how much in love I were (or she).

Actually Chevalier, that is pretty much what my husband told me. I must confess I was oblivious too and I must confess, I am a lawyer so I can be a little headstrong too, hence my surprise. When I asked him in which way he meant that, in a nutshell that was basically what he said. To me was interesting to learn that, so definitely this thread had a positive impact in my marriage! It made me learn new things and spark an interesting conversation that otherwise wouldn’t have happen.

 

[Xantippe]

I think there are actually some benefits to a little (just a little!) male or female chauvinism.

Let’s say that a man is married to a woman that takes forever to get ready. Or let’s say that she has a thing for shoes and purses and Facebook. Or let’s say that a woman is married to a guy that takes his socks off everywhere and never picks them up without reminders or bathes and gets haircuts with great irregularity. Without chauvinism, the offender’s spouse may think, “My spouse is the only person on earth that does all this disgusting and annoying stuff! I could choose a random person on the street and do better!” But gender stereotypes help us to remember that these features are actually very common, and it’s not our spouse that is uniquely horrible. I don’t think people should have to cope with all of these features indefinitely without saying anything about it, but I think that chauvinism and stereoptypes help build up a certain baseline of tolerance for dealing with behaviors that would otherwise be intolerable.

 

[chevalier]

I think there are actually some benefits to a little (just a little!) male or female chauvinism.

(…) to a woman that takes forever to get ready. Or let’s say that she has a thing for shoes and purses and Facebook.

And which one doesn’t?

 

[Gertabelle]

Originally Posted by Xantippe View Post
I think there are actually some benefits to a little (just a little!) male or female chauvinism.

(…) to a woman that takes forever to get ready. Or let’s say that she has a thing for shoes and purses and Facebook.

And which one doesn’t?

That’d be me. Woke up at 6:00 this morning, was ready to leave for mass at 6:15 – then I remembered there isn’t a 6:30 am mass on Mondays!:doh2:

I have one pair of shoes for regular wear, three nicer pairs for mass (though one I only wear Christmas and Easter because I don’t like heels), a pair of hiking boots, and a pair of garden shoes (crocs). I sewed my own purse, and so far it’s holding up pretty well. And I can’t stand Facebook – CAF is so cool, it makes all those other sites look dumb

Of course, as recently as yesterday, a friend told me I was a freak (I think he meant that in a good way), so perhaps I am the exception that proves the rule.

Gertie

 

[pensmama87]

That’d be me. Woke up at 6:00 this morning, was ready to leave for mass at 6:15 – then I remembered there isn’t a 6:30 am mass on Mondays!:doh2:

I have one pair of shoes for regular wear, three nicer pairs for mass (though one I only wear Christmas and Easter because I don’t like heels), a pair of hiking boots, and a pair of garden shoes (crocs). I sewed my own purse, and so far it’s holding up pretty well. And I can’t stand Facebook – CAF is so cool, it makes all those other sites look dumb

Of course, as recently as yesterday, a friend told me I was a freak (I think he meant that in a good way), so perhaps I am the exception that proves the rule.

Gertie

I put a really high value on promptness. Since having kids I am more prone to being late than I used to be, but it’s not because I’m primping, it’s because if I’m not the one who packs diapers or puts socks on the kids, it won’t get done.

Shoes: two pairs of $2 flip flops - one by our back door and one by the garage door in case I have to run out and do something quick, one pair of black flats, one pair of heels, one pair of old sneakers for yard work, two pairs of running shoes, and then 2 pairs of winter boots - one dressy enough for church, and one that are more like hiking boots. I have one purse that I use almost 100% of the time, and one clutch on the rare occasion I go to some fancy thing without the kids.

I do like Facebook, but mostly for sharing photos with relatives. I have a very small friends list and very high privacy settings. I don’t “get” Pinterest, either, and I will admit that makes me odd even among my circle of friends. I prefer to be “old school” and keep a list of bookmarks (or even keep paper recipe cards that I’ve handwritten and keep in a box! )

I’m not going to lie, I do like pretty things and I do have some very traditionally feminine interests (decorating, cooking, etc.) but I also really like the more practical stuff of home management. I’m definitely not flighty.

Though I think Xantippe is right about how those stereotypes can be helpful. My husband uses it when I say things like I want new paint because our living room is the color of vomit, and I use it when he leaves his socks…everywhere (what IS that?! )

 

[technatrix]

That’d be me. Woke up at 6:00 this morning, was ready to leave for mass at 6:15 – then I remembered there isn’t a 6:30 am mass on Mondays!:doh2:

I have one pair of shoes for regular wear, three nicer pairs for mass (though one I only wear Christmas and Easter because I don’t like heels), a pair of hiking boots, and a pair of garden shoes (crocs). I sewed my own purse, and so far it’s holding up pretty well. And I can’t stand Facebook – CAF is so cool, it makes all those other sites look dumb

Of course, as recently as yesterday, a friend told me I was a freak (I think he meant that in a good way), so perhaps I am the exception that proves the rule.

Gertie

Yeah, I suppose we’ll have to set up the Freakish Women Who Get Ready Quickly and Don’t Have A Lot of Shoes Club. I’ve got 5 pairs of shoes, a rucksack instead of a purse, and I try to arrange things so I can be out the door in 15 minutes if necessary since I travel a lot. Maybe its just the subset of women I hang around, but I can’t honestly say I don’t know a single woman who has a noticeable shoe fixation, so it confuses the heck out of me when I run into that stereotype.

This thread is certainly interesting, though.