Get married and be submissive? One woman's recipe for marital happiness

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The English title of Italian journalist Costanza Miriano’s recent book is “Marry Him and Be Submissive.” That sounds rather offputting. (But she also wrote a book titled “Marry Her and Die for Her.) Still, she does not seem to be some retro traditionalist. She’s a working mother of four. Speaking of her latest book in an interview with Catholic World Report, she says,

“Actually, I didn’t think I had anything to teach about marriage! I just wanted to write letters to my real friends (I changed their names and some details) to convince them that it is possible to learn to be happy every day in our marriages.”

The rest of the interview is here.
 
{
25. By this same love it is necessary that all the other rights and duties of the marriage state be regulated as the words of the Apostle: “Let the husband render the debt to the wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband,”[28] express not only a law of justice but of charity.
  1. Domestic society being confirmed, therefore, by this bond of love, there should flourish in it that “order of love,” as St. Augustine calls it. This order includes both the primacy of the husband with regard to the wife and children, the ready subjection of the wife and her willing obedience, which the Apostle commends in these words: “Let women be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ is the head of the Church.”[29]
  2. This subjection, however, does not deny or take away the liberty which fully belongs to the woman both in view of her dignity as a human person, and in view of her most noble office as wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her obey her husband’s every request if not in harmony with right reason or with the dignity due to wife; nor, in fine, does it imply that the wife should be put on a level with those persons who in law are called minors, to whom it is not customary to allow free exercise of their rights on account of their lack of mature judgment, or of their ignorance of human affairs. But it forbids that exaggerated liberty which cares not for the good of the family; it forbids that in this body which is the family, the heart be separated from the head to the great detriment of the whole body and the proximate danger of ruin. For if the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.
  3. Again, this subjection of wife to husband in its degree and manner may vary according to the different conditions of persons, place and time. In fact, if the husband neglect his duty, it falls to the wife to take his place in directing the family. But the structure of the family and its fundamental law, established and confirmed by God, must always and everywhere be maintained intact .
  4. With great wisdom Our predecessor Leo XIII, of happy memory, in the Encyclical on Christian marriage which We have already mentioned, speaking of this order to be maintained between man and wife, teaches: “The man is the ruler of the family, and the head of the woman; but because she is flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone, let her be subject and obedient to the man, not as a servant but as a companion, so that nothing be lacking of honor or of dignity in the obedience which she pays. Let divine charity be the constant guide of their mutual relations, both in him who rules and in her who obeys, since each bears the image, the one of Christ, the other of the Church.”[30]
  5. These, then, are the elements which compose the blessing of conjugal faith: unity, chastity, charity, honorable noble obedience, which are at the same time an enumeration of the benefits which are bestowed on husband and wife in their married state, benefits by which the peace, the dignity and the happiness of matrimony are securely preserved and fostered. Wherefore it is not surprising that this conjugal faith has always been counted amongst the most priceless and special blessings of matrimony.
  6. But this accumulation of benefits is completed and, as it were, crowned by that blessing of Christian marriage which in the words of St. Augustine we have called the sacrament, by which is denoted both the indissolubility of the bond and the raising and hallowing of the contract by Christ Himself, whereby He made it an efficacious sign of grace.
    } CASTI CONNUBII ENCYCLICAL OF POPE PIUS XI ON CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE DECEMBER 31, 1930
papalencyclicals.net/Pius11/P11CASTI.HTM

I have always found this as kind of a spiritual message, meaning that only with spiritual growth we can understand its meaning clearly. Thats why we need to be guided sometimes (or most of the times, lol).

I am of the thought that only through charity the spouses can comprehend, act, and realize their complementarity.

I believe in this context Love is a stronger word than submission (though we all should be submissive toward God, but it is because of love in God, because love is about trust), because love gives the responsibility to be just, honest, correct, righteous, in one word, to be good toward the spouse. When those words (love and good) are elevated to Gods level, then this becomes a great responsibility. Though I think that later in that scripture it tells husbands and wives to love each other. Love is the perfect bond, when love is of God.
 
As much as this topic gets debated, I really don’t think it impacts much on the lives of most married couples. Neither me nor my wife spend much time pondering how she can be submissive in our marriage. We both understand that BOTH of us are required to die to ourselves and give of ourselves for each other. That is the core of this issue and the Church is quite clear on the topic. No heaven without sacrifice, from wife and husband. It’s as simple as that, IMO.
 
The Italian lady says, "I don’t know if I’m always able to be as submissive as I want. Sometimes my husband goes to our bookcase, he takes my own book and says: “there’s a good book you should read.”

Funny!
 
I forgot to add this scripture, because I believe it is incredibly important to include it in the equation to complete understandings:

“But Jesus summoned them and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and the great ones make their authority over them felt. But it shall not be so among you. Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave. Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” “ Matthew 20, 25-28
 
Xantippe said:
The Italian lady says, "I don’t know if I’m always able to be as submissive as I want. Sometimes my husband goes to our bookcase, he takes my own book and says: “there’s a good book you should read.”

Funny!
Click to expand...
Yes. And when the interviewer asks “when your husband doesn’t seem to be listening to you, what is your own response?” she replies: “The question is not that it seems he isn’t listening. He truly doesn’t listen to me!” [The italics were not in the text, but I could hear them] “He says I talk too much, so he has to put a filter in his ears. I know it, and if I just need comprehension, when I want to complain and I don’t need a solution, I call a friend of mine. A female friend, who doesn’t have filters in her ears.”

Despite the title of the article (and the book), it is not about submission. It is just about making a real marriage work in a joyful way on a daily basis. That’s what I liked about the interview. If she wrote like a theologian, no one would read her books!
 
AdamPeter said:
As much as this topic gets debated, I really don’t think it impacts much on the lives of most married couples. Neither me nor my wife spend much time pondering how she can be submissive in our marriage. We both understand that BOTH of us are required to die to ourselves and give of ourselves for each other. That is the core of this issue and the Church is quite clear on the topic. No heaven without sacrifice, from wife and husband. It’s as simple as that, IMO.
Click to expand...
I don’t think such a general statement can be made about couples in the West. There are those who were never told/taught the right message, or got the wrong message, and just don’t know any better.

I was there in the 1970s when the “Women’s Liberation Movement” sought to demonize men and divide and conquer. This is still going on today using different words and slogans. For some women, regardless of reality or Church teaching, they have decided to accept a new teaching from some women that men are bad, and can be evil. They tried to incite class warfare between men and women. Men are the Eternal Enemies class, and Women are the Eternal Victims (of men) class.

Don’t you see how some women thoroughly believe this? That their worldview has been altered due to being brainwashed (drinking the kool-aid)?

Ephesians 5:23
Parallel Verses
New International Version
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

New Living Translation
For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.

English Standard Version
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

5:24

Parallel Verses
New International Version
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

New Living Translation
As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

English Standard Version
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

5:25

Parallel Verses
New International Version
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

New Living Translation
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her

English Standard Version
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

5:26

Parallel Verses
New International Version
to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

New Living Translation
to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.

English Standard Version
that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

5:28

Parallel Verses
New International Version
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

New Living Translation
In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

English Standard Version
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ed
 
I’ve read this book. It’s actually really good. I think the title might turn some people off but it really isn’t about submitting in the way so many of these threads make submitting sound.
 
“Miriano: Because we both work outside the house, we don’t respect traditional roles, in the sense that he often cooks, he sometimes does our laundry (I’m not very happy about that: our sheets are grey, but once they were white), he puts dishes in the dishwasher when necessary (but I think I’m more able to find room for the big frying pan). The roles are something deeper than the question “who cleans the house?”, and more spiritual. I think I’m the fire of our home, I keep everybody warm. I’m the wind: I blow to keep everybody going. But he’s the stone, he makes our children feel safe and protected, and self-confident. When he says something, they are sure about it. They know they can trust him.”

I believe this is very, very uncommon in Italy–hence the Italian TFR of 1.4 births per woman.

I would definitely draw a dotted line between Miriano’s non-traditionally helpful husband and their unusually large family (four children–enormous for modern Italy).

I think this isn’t quite fair to young Italians:

“We should also talk about the real reason why young people feel no hurry to get married: because they have sex outside marriage, and it complicates things. But that’s another issue.”

Italy has something like a 39% youth unemployment rate (and it has been higher in recent years), so this isn’t entirely a matter of the young just wasting time and partying–it is genuinely a pretty brutal employment market for the young.

tradingeconomics.com/italy/youth-unemployment-rate

thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/06/07/italy-s-lost-generation-youth-unemployment-hits-nearly-50-percent.html

She sounds like quite a lovely person–she reminds me a bit of an Italian Simcha Fisher.
 
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