Getting a divorce...

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cabolissa

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Well, it’s official.
After moving our family to Texas from CA a week ago for better jobs, housing, etc, my husband told me that he can’t do it anymore.
He’s been having an affair for 3 years (with another married Catholic, our kids went to school together), and wants to return to CA.
He wants a divorce.
He’s agreed that I will keep the kids (we have a 13 year old and a 1 year old).
I have to do a step child adoption for my 13 year old daughter, though. Her mother died when she was a baby, and I’ve raised her since she was 4.
I told him he could visit them whenever he wanted, but that he couldn’t take them out of TX EVER! And that I wouldn’t be left alone on holidays, etc because of his choice to live out of state and abandon our family.

My question is, HOW CAN I MOVE ON???

I’m devastated. I know the Catholic church is against divorce, but I don’t even have a chance in this matter. I offered counseling and he doesn’t want any part of it. He doesn’t want to live a “lie” anymore. He said he’s not going to “suffer” because of the kids. :confused:

He’s a real gem. How did I pick such a jerk?!
 
My goodness! You sure have a lot of shock and disillusion to deal with.
I’m so sorry. You’re uprooted from your friends and community and haven’t had a chance to build a new one. I don’t know what to make of it, I can’t imagine how confused you feel. That comment about “not going to “suffer” because of the kids” seems unfatherly. It is surely very hurtful to you for the children’s sake as much as yours. I hope your daughter can deal with this, at 13, it must be devasting. But it’s also very cruel for you that he’s been having a long-term affair. I do hope you can find a way to recover.
I’ll keep you and the children in my prayers.

Do you have any existing family or acquaintances or friends living in Texas? Anyone you can turn to for friendship and support?
 
Oh (((cabolissa))) HUGS TO YOU.

I’m so sorry, I was hoping he’d come back to the marriage, after reading a few earlier posts of yours on this.

You know, the language he is using…‘living a lie,’ and ‘doesn’t want to suffer,’ are very common for adulterers. I remember my sister when she was seeing a married man, and those were his exact words to her–and they are no longer together.

The problem with affairs, besides the obvious devestation…is that the adulterer is looking for something to fill a hole that only God can fill. God will never lead someone to finding their ‘soul mate’ by having an affair. God will never lead someone to do the very thing that goes against His Word. So, at some point, when your husband snaps out of it, and realizes that the new woman will come with a whole set of different issues, than what your marriage has (not saying your marriage was bad, but you know what I mean?) he will realize he made a dreadful mistake. It often is the case, that adulterers are running from something from their past that they never healed from, and looked to their marriage to ‘solve’ it. When the marriage doesn’t solve it, or make their lives perfect, they have affairs, in hopes that the new person, who is telling them just what they need to hear, will be the angel that they have been waiting for, but it’s all a lie. See, that is the deception of the devil–he hands us lies, and we believe them, all too quickly. Your husband hurts on some level, and so he hurts you and his kids. But, you ‘picking a jerk,’ I mean, I’m sure you will have a myriad of questions that will run through your mind on this, but know that you picked a husband based on what you knew AT THAT TIME. He didn’t reveal maybe some things to you, or maybe he changed, but don’t blame yourself for his poor behaviors.😦

You’re in my prayers, your kids are in my prayers…Praying that you find peace and happiness despite this situation. God bless, and please feel free to pm me anytime, if you’d like a friend to listen.
 
I’m so glad you responded, Whatevergirl. You make more sense than I do. I hardly knew what to say. I feel for her.
 
Sadly, I have seen a lot of adultery in my life, friends, family…and I have seen the devestation, even if it wasn’t tangible, that it causes.

I think that ANY relationship that starts like this…is DOOMED. It will never be blessed by God. Not that that is comforting, in any way, cabolissa…but, your husband, and this other woman…oh my gosh, the havoc they will cause in their lives–if only they could look that far ahead. Not that you should ‘feel sorry’ for your husband, but I guarantee, your husband’s relationship with this women WILL END sooner than later…after he has hurt you, his kids, her kids, etc etc etc…The devestation will be great, his guilt will be profound, and all because he took the bait of the devil. It’s terribly sad for all involved. Someday, you will come to the place where you will feel for him, you will get past your own hurt, and see this…I remember my sister hurting for a LONG time after her affair with that married guy. He left his family, kids, same thing as your husband is doing…and oh my gosh, the regret that he had…and the problems that brought on my sister. I think he turned on my sister, and ended up blaming her for the mess HE CAUSED. My sister was not an innocent bystander, but he blamed her for the whole thing.

So, it will get very sad, in a hurry, for your husband. He thinks he and this woman are going to jump onto a white horse and ride into the sunset…what a rude awakening he is in for. No one turns his/her back on his/her family without consequence…without fallout. No one turns his/her back on his/her marriage, commits adultery, and comes out the other side, smelling like a rose. He is going to also have to deal with her kids, and believe me…they are not going to be welcoming him with open arms, depending on their ages.

Yes, the ripples that his hurt will cause will be great. He will ‘suffer’ MORE now, because this, will be ‘LIVING A LIE.’

I pray for him, cabolissa…I saw the pain my sister and friends have gone through, in trusting the devil, and not God. It’s a terrible deal some make, but they make it, and it’s terribly sad, when they realize that in the end.

Something my sister learned…affairs take place in a vacuum. Once the adultering couple leave their families, and decide to make a go of their lives together, they realize that the vacuum is what kept the affair going. When real life strikes, and it will, when your husband and this woman realize that they a) won’t be able to trust each other, often happens when an adultering couple decide to live together b) hurt their relationships with their kids and lose their respect, maybe not now, but later c) have more problems than they ever did in their respective marriages…they will see the light. But, unfortunately, it takes a lot of pain, for many to see that light. But my sister and that guy did not work out, because once the romance had to take a backseat to everyday, real life…(his kids namely)…hmmm, she no longer found him all that ‘exciting,’ and he didn’t find her all that exciting. And that is what will happen, sooner or later, with this situation.

God bless you–hang in there, stay close to Jesus. He will never ever fail you–EVER! He is there to hold your hand through this. Trust in Him. Know you will have bad days and good days…but, know that your husband is LOST. And you can’t save him. He needs to come back to God, to be saved.

Praying very very hard for you, during this.
 
You are in my prayers.

My husband of 18 years did this to my son and I.

Devastated is the only word to use.

I will pray for you!
 
cabolissa said:
Well, it’s official.
After moving our family to Texas from CA a week ago for better jobs, housing, etc, my husband told me that he can’t do it anymore.
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What is involved with “Etc.?” Why only *one *week, if the primary reasons are better jobs and housing? Lent is a good time to face up to the reality of one’s life. Regardless of what the other posters say, people who divorce and remarry can be quite happy. What I am wondering is why did your husband move you out of state first. Was Texas the state you grew up in, for instance? Was he trying to do something loving? If your family is in California, I would suggest returning there to live … if need be, in a neighboring town.
He’s been having an affair for 3 years (with another married Catholic, our kids went to school together), and wants to return to CA. He wants a divorce.
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It is quite possible that they might seek annullments, without me knowing anything else about their Faith lives. I can’t tell you exactly what happened in our town, but, the woman became a much more involved, in Catholic activities. She also became a full partner in her second husband’s business. Her first husband had a business, and, I don’t think that she was involved in it, just the raising of children. He is still here. The woman spurned, one might say, has moved; she was involved in her husband’s business, in a different manner.
He’s agreed that I will keep the kids (we have a 13 year old and a 1 year old).
I have to do a step child adoption for my 13 year old daughter, though. Her mother died when she was a baby, and I’ve raised her since she was 4.
I told him he could visit them whenever he wanted, but that he couldn’t take them out of TX EVER! And that I wouldn’t be left alone on holidays, etc because of his choice to live out of state and abandon our family.
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Keep the children in his life, and, try to be a blessing rather than a curse for your former husband. The truth is that God allowed this to happen. I’ve heard from men a lot, and they have a tendency to hate the woman that they are divorcing. I don’t ever know the details, but, family can only wonder about it. The reasons for a couple divorcing are complex, because the relationships involve intimacy and personalities. It can be simplified sometimes, for instance, location is a big deal. Still, there are often other things involved, I suspect.
My question is, HOW CAN I MOVE ON???
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I’m devastated. I know the Catholic church is against divorce, but I don’t even have a chance in this matter. I offered counseling and he doesn’t want any part of it. He doesn’t want to live a “lie” anymore. He said he’s not going to “suffer” because of the kids. :confused:
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He’s a real gem. How did I pick such a jerk?!
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My cousin has not seen his children since his divorce, changed his whole life. His wife was against education to the extant that she wanted the children home schooled and that he should not consider a college education. Well, he is a professor now. His children are over 18, he detests his ex, remarried, no annullment, AYKWTM, but is very happy. Can you imagine holding a man back? That isn’t love! Love your husband, as a Christian, and wish him well.
If you can’t fight to get him back, that is the only other option. Calling him names, is not good. One year ago and 9 months a child was conceived. Conceived in love? Uncertainty.
 
Oh dear…I’ve been there, and I know now is not the time for advice, but for hugs…so find a good friend to sit with you …and a sitter for the kids and hug, cry, pray, Jesus will get you through.
SO…:grouphug::hug1::hug3::grouphug::hug1::console::hug3::grouphug::hug1:
 
ohioszo said:
What is involved with “Etc.?” Why only *one *week, if the primary reasons are better jobs and housing? Lent is a good time to face up to the reality of one’s life. Regardless of what the other posters say, people who divorce and remarry can be quite happy. What I am wondering is why did your husband move you out of state first. Was Texas the state you grew up in, for instance? Was he trying to do something loving? If your family is in California, I would suggest returning there to live … if need be, in a neighboring town.

It is quite possible that they might seek annullments, without me knowing anything else about their Faith lives. I can’t tell you exactly what happened in our town, but, the woman became a much more involved, in Catholic activities. She also became a full partner in her second husband’s business. Her first husband had a business, and, I don’t think that she was involved in it, just the raising of children. He is still here. The woman spurned, one might say, has moved; she was involved in her husband’s business, in a different manner.

Keep the children in his life, and, try to be a blessing rather than a curse for your former husband. The truth is that God allowed this to happen. I’ve heard from men a lot, and they have a tendency to hate the woman that they are divorcing. I don’t ever know the details, but, family can only wonder about it. The reasons for a couple divorcing are complex, because the relationships involve intimacy and personalities. It can be simplified sometimes, for instance, location is a big deal. Still, there are often other things involved, I suspect.

My cousin has not seen his children since his divorce, changed his whole life. His wife was against education to the extant that she wanted the children home schooled and that he should not consider a college education. Well, he is a professor now. His children are over 18, he detests his ex, remarried, no annullment, AYKWTM, but is very happy. Can you imagine holding a man back? That isn’t love! Love your husband, as a Christian, and wish him well.
If you can’t fight to get him back, that is the only other option. Calling him names, is not good. One year ago and 9 months a child was conceived. Conceived in love? Uncertainty.
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This is a very insensitive post. Condoning selfish, immoral behavior is hardly a loving or Christian thing to do. Wish him well? What about his vows to God on the day of his marriage? He’s not only destroying his family but the family of another. What about the lives of his children and his responsibility to them, and the pain he’s causing his family.Holding him back? Are you kidding? :nope:
 
rayne89 said:
This is a very insensitive post. Condoning selfish, immoral behavior is hardly a loving or Christian thing to do. Wish him well? What about his vows to God on the day of his marriage? He’s not only destroying his family but the family of another. What about the lives of his children and his responsibility to them, and the pain he’s causing his family.Holding him back? Are you kidding? :nope:
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Amen!
 
Thanks rayne! :o Sigh.

ohio–people who divorce and remarry can surely be happy…not men who dump their families to shack up with another woman. No, that has no blessing from God on it whatsoever. That is why the stats of second marriages ending in divorce, are so high (when the marriage was the end result of an adulterous relationship).

People who commit adultery are NOT HAPPY, that is the point. Shacking up, leaving kids and spouses behind, and then marrying the person they cheated with, does not sound like a happy beginning, to me. When a relationship came about because it was built on lies, it will never be a happy place.

God will never ever tell us to do something to purposely destroy our marriage, never.
 
ohioszo said:
The truth is that God allowed this to happen.
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Yes, because God gives us free will - free will to destroy the blessings he has put into our lives because self-centeredness is an easier route. :mad:

My personal situation and the adulterous betrayals described by so many others on this site make me absolutely sure that evil is alive and well… working against marriages every day. If a marriage is truly disfunctional why not receive counseling OR finalize the divorce PRIOR to engaging in another romantic relationship. To imply that God is supportive of sinful behavior is not helpful or correct.

The devastation left behind in the wake of lies and betrayal is brutal. A divorce necessitated by abuse is one thing… a divorce to allow one to continue an adulterous and fantasy-based relationship can only be described as evil.

Prayers for us all as we heal.
 
{{hugs}}

Read BMB’s whole thread about when is it time to give up and file for divorce.

Then get a good lawyer. You are being abandoned. You need to guarantee child support and the future of your children.

Put your 13 year old in counselling immediately. She has a new school, her father leaving and a divorce all at the same time? At THAT age? What a selfish b------! You don’t do that to a kid!

I take it he was married before and his wife died and you stepped in and have raised DD for 9 years. And 6 years into the marriage he began to dally with someone else. You maybe not knowing about it conceived a child and now have a baby to boot?

Nice guy! Ohio is wrong wrong wrong. He doesn’t deserve happiness. Don’t let him go because it will make him happy. You are not obligated to be a blessing for a man who couldn’t recognize the blessing he had in a woman who raised his child as her own and loved him. If he didn’t want the blessing while he was married, you aren’t required to try to make his adultery easy on his conscience.

What you do need to do is let him go because it will make you happier. Right now you can’t imagine that. But something tells me he has been selfish and callous for many years. You’ve borne the load. God is lifting it from your shoulders.

Make sure your lawyer gets full custody for you and you outline where he can take the kids and when he can see them. Since he doesn’t want to “suffer” because of them, don’t make him. He will see soon enough he is chasing a mirage. And once lovergirl gets him she’ll find out he’s no prince charming. As Whatevergirl said so well, reality bites.

You weren’t stupid. We’ve all been there. The show you fell for is the same one lovergirl is falling for. It’s all a show. He playacts at being the loving man. Just be the dependable parent for that poor DD who must feel a lot of hatred for the new woman who stole her father.

God will lead you through this. Just don’t let go of Him. It feels like a black tunnel. Trust God. And get a good lawyer. You have rights to protect. The Catholic Church does not condone what he is doing. You are the victim in this. He doesn’t want counseling. You can’t make someone stay in a marriage. But you can make his leaving very uncomfortable.

Stay in Texas. It’s much better for you economically as a single mother than California. The people are friendly and it will be easier for you being far away from him. Be aware the courts may tell you to let him have them on given holidays. My advice is that at those times YOU invite family to come to Texas and visit you and see you. Or you travel to see them.

I promise you the man’s life will unwind. It may take a few years, but the same weakness and lack of integrity that led him to conceive a baby with you while he was having an affair with someone else will undo him. He’s tired of living a lie. But he is a liar. And his personal hell will be that no matter where he goes, there’s the liar! He’s doomed to live a lie forever unless he finally crawls back to God and fixes his life.

You know what? You’re also tired of living a lie. Pretending you have a marriage when he’s lying to you and deep down you know it. His emotional absence, you doing all the work and him looking like the family man to the world… now you don’t have to live a lie anymore either.

When the numbness and shock wear off you will be surprised at the energy you have with his drama out of your house.

This is how you move on… one step at a time, one day at a time, holding a child’s hand in each of your own.

And hope he continues to be uninvolved in baby’s life. It’s actually worse when they decide all of a sudden to be devoted parents and then you have to fight for time with the kids you’ve been taking care of. I had a nursing baby taken out of my house for days and weeks at a time. Mr. Devoted Daddy didn’t care about her needs. He had a point to prove to the courts.

Protect yourself and your financial interests. This woman he’s with will be one of many. YOU must be the dependable constant parent for your children.

Good luck.
 
whatevergirl said:
Sadly, I have seen a lot of adultery in my life, friends, family…and I have seen the devestation, even if it wasn’t tangible, that it causes.

I think that ANY relationship that starts like this…is DOOMED. It will never be blessed by God. Not that that is comforting, in any way, cabolissa…but, your husband, and this other woman…oh my gosh, the havoc they will cause in their lives–if only they could look that far ahead. Not that you should ‘feel sorry’ for your husband, but I guarantee, your husband’s relationship with this women WILL END sooner than later…after he has hurt you, his kids, her kids, etc etc etc…The devestation will be great, his guilt will be profound, and all because he took the bait of the devil. It’s terribly sad for all involved. Someday, you will come to the place where you will feel for him, you will get past your own hurt, and see this…I remember my sister hurting for a LONG time after her affair with that married guy. He left his family, kids, same thing as your husband is doing…and oh my gosh, the regret that he had…and the problems that brought on my sister. I think he turned on my sister, and ended up blaming her for the mess HE CAUSED. My sister was not an innocent bystander, but he blamed her for the whole thing.

So, it will get very sad, in a hurry, for your husband. He thinks he and this woman are going to jump onto a white horse and ride into the sunset…what a rude awakening he is in for. No one turns his/her back on his/her family without consequence…without fallout. No one turns his/her back on his/her marriage, commits adultery, and comes out the other side, smelling like a rose. He is going to also have to deal with her kids, and believe me…they are not going to be welcoming him with open arms, depending on their ages.

Yes, the ripples that his hurt will cause will be great. He will ‘suffer’ MORE now, because this, will be ‘LIVING A LIE.’

I pray for him, cabolissa…I saw the pain my sister and friends have gone through, in trusting the devil, and not God. It’s a terrible deal some make, but they make it, and it’s terribly sad, when they realize that in the end.

Something my sister learned…affairs take place in a vacuum. Once the adultering couple leave their families, and decide to make a go of their lives together, they realize that the vacuum is what kept the affair going. When real life strikes, and it will, when your husband and this woman realize that they a) won’t be able to trust each other, often happens when an adultering couple decide to live together b) hurt their relationships with their kids and lose their respect, maybe not now, but later c) have more problems than they ever did in their respective marriages…they will see the light. But, unfortunately, it takes a lot of pain, for many to see that light. But my sister and that guy did not work out, because once the romance had to take a backseat to everyday, real life…(his kids namely)…hmmm, she no longer found him all that ‘exciting,’ and he didn’t find her all that exciting. And that is what will happen, sooner or later, with this situation.

God bless you–hang in there, stay close to Jesus. He will never ever fail you–EVER! He is there to hold your hand through this. Trust in Him. Know you will have bad days and good days…but, know that your husband is LOST. And you can’t save him. He needs to come back to God, to be saved.

Praying very very hard for you, during this.
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Ditto… hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
rayne89 said:
This is a very insensitive post. Condoning selfish, immoral behavior is hardly a loving or Christian thing to do. Wish him well? What about his vows to God on the day of his marriage? He’s not only destroying his family but the family of another. What about the lives of his children and his responsibility to them, and the pain he’s causing his family.Holding him back? Are you kidding? :nope:
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***I agree with you rayne89! What a mean and insensitive post by ohio…whatever! Right now all cabolissa needs from all of us is support, kindness, and compassion. Her husband chose to do this! He is the one making the cowardly decision to leave his family and take over another…by moving her to Texas and then making his big announcement, it almost sounds premeditated!!! He sounds like a selfish pig!

Many prayers go out to cabolissa, take care of yourself and know that you’ll get through this…it won’t be easy, but GOD does not abandon you and you’ll see that HE will open doors for you, HE will help you…Take care and GOD bless you.

WHATEVERGIRL…another stellar post! It was very encouraging and caring, I like the way you describe things, it puts it all in perspective.***
 
BMB said:
Yes, because God gives us free will - free will to destroy the blessings he has put into our lives because self-centeredness is an easier route. :mad:

My personal situation and the adulterous betrayals described by so many others on this site make me absolutely sure that evil is alive and well… working against marriages every day. If a marriage is truly disfunctional why not receive counseling OR finalize the divorce PRIOR to engaging in another romantic relationship. To imply that God is supportive of sinful behavior is not helpful or correct.

The devastation left behind in the wake of lies and betrayal is brutal. A divorce necessitated by abuse is one thing… a divorce to allow one to continue an adulterous and fantasy-based relationship can only be described as evil.

Prayers for us all as we heal.
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***BMB:

Great post and well said!!! Ugh!!! I am so angry right now at the post from ohio…:mad:***
 
cabolissa,

I am so sorry to hear this. :grouphug: I had hoped that things were going well with your move. I hope you have been/are able to get in touch with ARC. They can certainly help you through this. And they will probably have resources for your daughter.

These two posts helped me a lot as we were moving in the same direction: (forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=3666375&postcount=39, forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=3666376&postcount=40). I hope they help you to.

You are in my prayers. God will get you through this. PM anytime.
hurtandhealing
 
Wow my brother is learning this the hard way too.

He decided to leave his wife of over 10 years for a skinny woman who he thought was prettier. He has an affair with this woman for several years before getting a divorce from his wife, no kids thank goodness). Well now he and this woman got married and have 2 children with eachother but when he had a cancer scare she told him she wanted a divorce because she couldn’t handle the stress. The joke is on him if he thought this affair would last forever and his life would be perfect. They are “working it out” now but he better hope he never gets sick like that again or I can almost guarantee she is gone and his “perfect” life would be over. I dunno, maybe he deserves that.

Oh and this woman that he had an affair with is “Catholic” too, but she told us she is fine with not ever being able to receive communion again because their prior marriages would probably never be annulled.
 
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