Getting a point across w/out arguing...Need some help

[whatevergirl]

I normally shy away from posting about disagreements my dh and I have…for the most part, we have a great marriage. We love the Lord with all of our hearts…my dh is a great husband…I try to be a great wife to him, too, although I know I fall short sometimes. Sometimes, when I’m trying to convey something to him that has been troubling me…maybe something he’s said (he can be sarcastic sometimes) or whatever…I ‘sometimes’ allow my emotions to take over…and then I blurt out the wrong thing, which has nothing to do with what I’m really upset over…and then, an argument ensues. Like tonight…he called from work…we started talking about the other cat and if we should have him sleep in the garage. He said, that “he is tired of talking about cats,” he feels that is ‘all’ I ever talk about now. Yeah, right. One week in dealing with our cat issue, and ‘that’s all I ever talk about now?’

So…we got into other things…and he said…"ok, well how about I just work on my birthday, instead of trying to get the day off?’ (he works this Sunday) I said coldly…“go ahead. I really don’t care what you do.” He said…‘fine.’ I said…‘fine.’ Really, I am not that regretful over my reply …my husband and I have not argued like this…gosh, in years, it seems. Probably around the time we separated 7 years ago. Things have been very good, but maybe in looking at the past two months…we have had non stop company for the holidays…then the holidays…he is very busy at work right now…and then the whole cat disappearance fiasco. Maybe adding it all up, we have been a little tenser than normal around here. (although, we loved our holidays)

Anyways…part of our argument tonight had to do with him smoking. He told me he quit a while ago, then I found a pack of cigarettes, half empty, in my car one day, when we switched cars. I didn’t say anything to him, but brought it up tonight–of course! lol Don’t we always bring up things that have nothing to do with the price of tea in China, when we’re arguing? He knows I loathe smoking…it’s the dumbest and one of the most unhealthy habits to me, on the planet. He said that he bought a pack a while ago, and he has one now and again–and how I’m not his mother. I said…‘you’re right, your mom doesn’t care if you smoke.’ Yes, I guess I was being snarky.

He didn’t like that comment.

So…my question is this…how do you go about conveying your point…without swerving off the point into something else…and how do you get problems resolved in YOUR marriages, without allowing emotions to step in? I am still very angry right now with him. He isn’t home from work yet…but I just want to go to bed without saying a thing. He apologized before we got off the phone, and I just said…‘ok, whatever.’ Not in a mean way, but I said it.

I am quite blessed and grateful with my life…with OUR life. My dh and I talk about how blessed we are all the time, so why did we have such a crazy argument tonight?

Well…that’s about it. I just wanted to share a few details, but not for you to pick apart my marriage. lol Your advice is appreciated, on how to communicate a point across without going emotional.

Grazie.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Your advice is appreciated, on how to communicate a point across without going emotional.

Grazie.

**Put it in writing:thumbsup:

Write a letter or an email (or a Facebook message, lol). When you see your words staring back up at you it become glaringly obvious which ones don’t belong.

And swallow your pride and apologize. Whatever it is you know you did wrong, apologize (do not go to bed without saying anything) and, here is the hard part, ask for forgiveness.

Let me know how it works for you. Then maybe I’ll take my own advice**

 

[vocatio]

I like the writing idea. But from a man’s perspective, don’t be one of those wive’s that insists on being right all the time. If you diverge from an issue, admit it and appologize. Value your husband and try to get over the fact that he smokes once in a while. At least he’s not a chain smoker. It’s possible he takes it for the calming effects. I hate cigarets too, so I understand you point. I worry about my health from second hand smoke because all four of my parents smoked regularly. Oh, I did say all, my parents were divorced. They too let their emotions get hold of them when arguing over silly things. The real thing is that you need to remind yourself about what your arguing over. Unless your spouse kills someone or cheats on your marriage I doubt seriously that any of the arguments are justifiable. Think about that for a while. Get hold of books on cognitive therapy and read through them trying to understand as you read.

My thoughts. Couples will always have spats. Pray about it…

 

[whatevergirl]

I should apologize? lol I guess I could. I am still mad though. He just walked in, came upstairs…and said…‘are you still mad at me, brat?’ Of course he laughed…but I looked at him with a blank stare. He said, sharon, I love you, this is stupid. If you love the other cat that much, I’ll bring it into our bathroom tonight.

I said…really? He said, yes.

I can be stubborn, but I just don’t want that cat to freeze tonight…there are freezing warnings tonight. I will go apologize now myself.

Thanks for listening, Malia.

 

[Mirdath]

Do not shut up and go to bed, that won’t help.

Asking for forgiveness – without necessarily apologizing for anything you’ve done – can be a good start. You don’t have to admit to wrongdoing to recognize that your spouse feels wronged. This can still involve the word ‘sorry’, but the exact phrasing is up to you

I’d have to recommend against doing it in writing (with, of course, all applicable caveats being that I’m still fairly-newly-wed). That approach just smacks of passive-aggression and cowardice. If you’re going to do this, commit to it and get up close and personal!

 

[vocatio]

Do not shut up and go to bed, that won’t help.

Asking for forgiveness – without necessarily apologizing for anything you’ve done – can be a good start. You don’t have to admit to wrongdoing to recognize that your spouse feels wronged. This can still involve the word ‘sorry’, but the exact phrasing is up to you

I’d have to recommend against doing it in writing (with, of course, all applicable caveats being that I’m still fairly-newly-wed). That approach just smacks of passive-aggression and cowardice. If you’re going to do this, commit to it and get up close and personal!

I think the “writing” is for the person who writes it, not the other person. But even so as long as you can express it better in writing, why not? People communicate differently. My wife communicates best to me when she writes it down. I carry one thing she wrote with me. It is deeply personal for her and explained 19 years worth of why’s.

 

[Mirdath]

I think the “writing” is for the person who writes it, not the other person. But even so as long as you can express it better in writing, why not? People communicate differently. My wife communicates best to me when she writes it down. I carry one thing she wrote with me. It is deeply personal for her and explained 19 years worth of why’s.

Sure, I can buy that, but I don’t know if it’s really appropriate for what sounds like a little spat like this. Of course, people and situations differ; I’m only offering what I see, for whatever it’s worth.

 

[ohioszo]

He said, that “he is tired of talking about cats,” he feels that is ‘all’ I ever talk about now. Yeah, right. One week in dealing with our cat issue, and ‘that’s all I ever talk about now?’

So…we got into other things…and he said…"ok, well how about I just work on my birthday, instead of trying to get the day off?’ (he works this Sunday) I said coldly…“go ahead. I really don’t care what you do.” He said…‘fine.’ I said…‘fine.’

Anyways…part of our argument tonight had to do with him smoking. He told me he quit a while ago, then I found a pack of cigarettes, half empty, in my car one day, when we switched cars. … I said…‘you’re right, your mom doesn’t care if you smoke.’ Yes, I guess I was being snarky.

…

So…my question is this…how do you go about conveying your point…without swerving off the point into something else…and how do you get problems resolved in YOUR marriages, without allowing emotions to step in? I am still very angry right now with him. He isn’t home from work yet…but I just want to go to bed without saying a thing.

… Your advice is appreciated, on how to communicate a point across without going emotional.

Grazie.

I think that my mother would say to not go to bed angry with each other. You have a sense of what you shouldn’t say, just act on it before you say it. I.e. if some feeling or your angel tells you to hold back from saying something or talking about something, do! Saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing and regretting it. Put yourself in his shoes, metaphorically. Find God in your daily activities. Look a little deeper, look for parables, metaphors for God and love. Look for the loving things that are sometimes taken for granted that he does. I would also suggest that you stop being his conscience, about the smoking for one thing. Let him smoke or not, it is up to him. My aunt has smoked and she is in her 80s, and hasn’t any illness associated with it. She *has *lost her teeth. Don’t henpeck. Live by example: Calmly do what you think is right, actions speak louder than words. That is being Christ-like. We are always asking each other what is on our minds! What is on your! mind. The “I and Thou” relationship.

 

[whatevergirl]

I like the writing idea. But from a man’s perspective, don’t be one of those wive’s that insists on being right all the time. If you diverge from an issue, admit it and appologize. Value your husband and try to get over the fact that he smokes once in a while. At least he’s not a chain smoker. It’s possible he takes it for the calming effects. I hate cigarets too, so I understand you point. I worry about my health from second hand smoke because all four of my parents smoked regularly. Oh, I did say all, my parents were divorced. They too let their emotions get hold of them when arguing over silly things. The real thing is that you need to remind yourself about what your arguing over. Unless your spouse kills someone or cheats on your marriage I doubt seriously that any of the arguments are justifiable. Think about that for a while. Get hold of books on cognitive therapy and read through them trying to understand as you read.

My thoughts. Couples will always have spats. Pray about it…

You make a good point, vocatio. I just don’t want the spats to turn into melt downs…I’m really not a ‘know it all type,’ or I have to always be right. I do think this was my dh’s fault tonight.

But, we did apologize to one another. I said it rather freely just now…because I really don’t want ‘the sun to go down on our anger,’ so to speak.

Thank you for your insight.

 

[whatevergirl]

Do not shut up and go to bed, that won’t help.

Asking for forgiveness – without necessarily apologizing for anything you’ve done – can be a good start. You don’t have to admit to wrongdoing to recognize that your spouse feels wronged. This can still involve the word ‘sorry’, but the exact phrasing is up to you

I’d have to recommend against doing it in writing (with, of course, all applicable caveats being that I’m still fairly-newly-wed). That approach just smacks of passive-aggression and cowardice. If you’re going to do this, commit to it and get up close and personal!

I have written letters to my husband before…I think when we were separated, they helped us, personally.

I appreciate your thoughts…it’s helpful to read how people deal with situations like this…

My husband explained to me…he was upset because he was so excited that he was taking his birthday off…but that I started talking “non stop” about the cat, where he is going to sleep, bla bla…that it sort of deflated the moment. I apologized. I felt bad…

Why didn’t he just say that then over the phone? Men sometimes wait to tell us women what they are thinking…why???

I think we women are soooo much less complicated than this.

waiting for tomatoes to come flying from the male posters on here hee hee

 

[whatevergirl]

vocatio–I wanted to add …I hadn’t thought of the whole smoking thing in quite that way…perhaps, I’m too hardlined about that. I don’t mean to be…I just saw the ravishing effects of smoking on my dad…he died when I was so young. My dh doesn’t smoke anywhere near that amount…(well, I thought he quit completely)…but, he said tonight that he smokes very sparingly…

I guess I can chill a bit on that. You’re right…he’s not smoking in the house…around me or the kids…in the car…or often.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Mirdath]

Why didn’t he just say that then over the phone? Men sometimes wait to tell us women what they are thinking…why???

I think we women are soooo much less complicated than this.

As far as I can tell, it’s because men are often a little stupid At least in that respect!

(Not that anyone else is necessarily that much better all the time… stuff happens!)

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I think writing can help you put down your thoughts calmly (at least by the 2nd draft), but I also think that people shouldn’t email each other about disagreements. Write your letter, then print it out, and either read it to dh, or use it as an outline, or give it to him to read while you sit next to him. Either way, the discussion should be an in person thing. Otherwise, you have no control over the tone that he reads from it, and it may come off as impersonal or aggressive. Once you’re done saying your piece, give him complete attention to respond without being interrupted. You may not come to an agreement, but at least you will both have your feelings heard.

Also, use more “I” statements (talking about your feelings) than “You” statements (talking about his behaviors).

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Personally, hubby and I have been able to clarify a lot of things by writing. It gives the writer time to think about what he/she wants to say and gives the reader time to think before responding. Sitting beside them as they read takes away their processing time. That is true for US. Obviously it may not work for everyone.

But when hubby and I feel the need to clear something up in writing we make sure to let eachother know how we are perceiving things so that misunderstandings about “tone” can also be discussed.

There is a big difference though between writing an impersonal “this is why I am unhappy” letter and a " I felt hurt because of THIS and I am sorry about THAT". One is just another way to “bash” a spouse and the other is an open dialogue.

And, WHATEVERGIRL, I am glad you and hubby worked things out and I am happy to hear that you apologized. Even if this time your hubby was “wrong”, lol, you were a brat. And, all WE have heard about this week is cats so I can imagine it became a little overwhelming to your hubby**

 

[ohioszo]

As far as I can tell, it’s because men are often a little stupid At least in that respect!QUOTE]

It is a little troublesome to me that a women may settle things to herself by thinking that “men are … a certain way.” My cousin’s girlfriend (he and her are divorced Catholics) uses it repeatedly as does my sister, who is now divorced. Mom, married 63 years, uses it infrequently to me about men. Even your own Father may have an attitude about other men, when it comes to their daughters.

Okay, in the paper there is an article entitled “Don’t Forget Fido and Fluffy.” While one point (it’s minus 14 here) suggests “a warm corner of a garage” but! another point mentions “antifreeze and coolant spills that taste sweet to dogs and cats,” another … "wipe off pets’ paws … (because of said chemicals,) “bang on the hood of vehicles to wake outdoor cats …” These things can certainly be what is on your husband’s mind. It may be not strictly a man’s nature, IMO, but about having this wider knowledge, man or woman. To have a husband think about the cat first, and these other things second, is, well … there is a metaphor there about relationships … I suppose that you want a balance. Trust in God; it is sweet to care for His creatures.

PS My neighbor’s wife cares for the feral cats, and her husband allows the use of the garage. We have had poop in our yard due to this situation, and, they multiply … with regards to the Pope …!

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree, ohio…although, I think Mirdath was teasing a bit.

I think that men definitely have certain differentiating characteristics about how they handle or approach conflict, from a woman…but it’s not a perfect science. I will say though, that my husband…while he is able to articulate what is wrong…when there is something wrong…it can take up to a week, and then the whole discussion has passed. It’s like…why did you wait to tell me this? Often too, when he is not happy about something, he is silent…one word answers. I told him last night, it’s not fair for me to guess what’s wrong. I said…I really am not going to guess anymore…when we’re upset about something, just say it. He doesn’t close off or anything…but, he will just be abrupt, and sarcastic. Anyways…hopefully, that part of our communication will get better.

Hubby and I made up last night, and our sweet stray kitty, spent the night in our bathroom. It actually worked out great…he never scratched at the door…and I just let him out this morning. Not the ideal situation, but as long as the colder nights are upon us here in FL.

It was funny…I said last night…‘Honey, this isn’t about you, it’s about the cat.’ He said…‘do you realize how you sound?’ haha
I think I’ll stop talking about cats for a while, now.

 

[kage_ar]

vocatio–I wanted to add …I hadn’t thought of the whole smoking thing in quite that way…perhaps, I’m too hardlined about that. I don’t mean to be…I just saw the ravishing effects of smoking on my dad…he died when I was so young. My dh doesn’t smoke anywhere near that amount…(well, I thought he quit completely)…but, he said tonight that he smokes very sparingly…

I guess I can chill a bit on that. You’re right…he’s not smoking in the house…around me or the kids…in the car…or often.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

Chill a big bit - like, 100%.

Your husband is a big boy. He is mentally sound. He knows all the risks and has made the decision to smoke. Smoking is legal.

Don’t mention it again. He will quit when HE wants to.

 

[ohioszo]

I agree, ohio…although, I think Mirdath was teasing a bit.QUOTE]

You might notice that some folk, perhaps teasing, have posted that I was male rather than female … on some other thread. Not a counselor, am I, but there are many factors that God uses to create a person: Family, Religion, Talents, … efforts.

I just read Brian Hall’s book called “The Fall of Frost” and it was interesting to read how Brian says that Robert Frost loved his daughters, despite their flaws that the writer points out. It reminded me of something that I had with my sisters. Why do I know about their dislikes all of the time?! Can I possibly remember them all! There must be a better way. I’ve decided to tell them that I cannot remember all of their likes and dislikes. One of them is a JW, and I can imagine that her likes and dislikes have gone to the nth degree. So, I suggest to take it easy on each other so it doesn’t go polar. His children were not perfect, and their lives were thus imperfect. Alot happens before the age of 2, maybe.

 

[chevalier]

Men sometimes wait to tell us women what they are thinking…why???

I think we women are soooo much less complicated than this.

waiting for tomatoes to come flying from the male posters on here hee hee

See. The reason is probably the same as with women not saying what they think. Think when and why you wouldn’t say what you think (and I think just staring at your husband qualifies ) and you have the answer why a man would do that. Both women and men accuse each other of similar things sometimes.

 

[whatevergirl]

See. The reason is probably the same as with women not saying what they think. Think when and why you wouldn’t say what you think (and I think just staring at your husband qualifies ) and you have the answer why a man would do that. Both women and men accuse each other of similar things sometimes.

Hmmm…you could be right. I won’t share what went through my head when I was silent.