Getting a point across w/out arguing...Need some help

[Lifeisamazing]

So, your question was, “How do you get your point acrossed…”

I make sure that I know what your point is- why I feel the way I do about it, etc. Then I make sure I am not angry. Then I ask, “Is this the right time/place for me and for the other person?” I will often ask the person, “Is this a good time to talk? I have something on my mind.” If I am nervous, afraid, upset, hurt, worried, I try to say so and get past the anger.

Ofcourse, you can’t do anything about how the other person reacts. I just try to stick to healthy communication on my end and stay away from hurtful comments or angry reactions. I am not in a marriage that is receptive to healthy communication right now, but that doesn’t mean I misbehave on my end.

It sounds like you are in a healthy relationship. Just check yourself before starting a discussion that might be emotional and ask yourself if you are hurt? Afraid? Nervous? What are you looking for from the other person? Forgiveness? Support? Advice? Comfort? Action of some kind? Just an ear? Then communicate it “X situation has me really ________. Would you be willing to help me by ______?” or “I am feeling really X about the cat. Sorry I have been so focused on it. Maybe you can help me move on. Do you have a suggestion?”

 

[ohioszo]

whatevergirl;4675140:

I agree, ohio…although, I think Mirdath was teasing a bit.QUOTE]

You might notice that some folk, perhaps teasing, have posted that I was male rather than female … on some other thread. Not a counselor, am I, but there are many factors that God uses to create a person: Family, Religion, Talents, … efforts.

I just read Brian Hall’s book called “The Fall of Frost” and it was interesting to read how Brian says that Robert Frost loved his daughters, despite their flaws that the writer points out. It reminded me of something that I had with my sisters. Why do I know about their dislikes all of the time?! Can I possibly remember them all! There must be a better way. I’ve decided to tell them that I cannot remember all of their likes and dislikes. One of them is a JW, and I can imagine that her likes and dislikes have gone to the nth degree. So, I suggest to take it easy on each other so it doesn’t go polar. His children were not perfect, and their lives were thus imperfect. Alot happens before the age of 2, maybe.

I just mean that, with family, the thought of accepting people the way they are, instead of trying to complete their socialization: Frost’s kids had some antisocial behaviors. The family is the first place for socialization, but, I think that in some families, it “don’t happen.” So, by the time one is in middle age … and still these basic problems of not being able to coexist happily with others, well …

With the nth degree and polarization, dislikes turn into a campaign: my youngest sib was caught before the age of 25. FYI, If you happened to be tricked by the JWs: demonizing birthdays (very antisocial,) Christmas (ditto,) being against blood transfusions - another way of hating one’s fellow man; against smoking but really against smokers; against the government, voting, military participation (ditto); looking for friends in other locales who they do not have to establish a “day to day” with …

It is very stressful to have troubles with other family members. But, it is good not to take their likes and dislikes seriously.

Exercising, eating right, sleep, and still the rightous suffer. My sister looked at the kitchen calendar, decided I was available, asked our mother, who doesn’t drive, whether “someone” may take her, etc. Still, she wouldn’t ask me directly. When I told her to ask me! She finally did and I said “no.”

This request of hers, and her subsequent emotional upset caused heart palpitations for a week, for me. I like to be innocent, but, sometimes the innocent are the ones to suffer: I was simply not available that day.

But, for marriages, the church advocates retrouvaille and Valentine’s Day church sponsored dinners for couples … stuff like that!

That our personalities are in place at a very early age … I don’t really know but, I can understand it when it comes to the development stages of our personalities. This underdevelopment of personality leads to the not getting along with others. Jesus is the cure, it is not a hopeless matter.

 

[LeroyCRHP]

I would say a good “discussion” is healthy to make sure what is important to each other is expressed. Be open and not snippy or with revenge. You can’t live with everything goes until someone blows lifestyle. People try that and then wonder why their significant other blew up over something like they left a sock laying somewhere.

JUST REMEMBER THAT IN THIS DISCUSSION YOU ARE DOING THIS WITH LOVE AND NEITHER IS GOING TO WALK OUT OF THE MARRIAGE OR ANYTHING CRAZY LIKE THAT.

Whether the cats sleeps in or out or he really quit smoking these are minor issues really. Good Luck! I’ve learned more from my DW standing up for her issues than I like to admit.

 

[Just_wondering]

I think that men definitely have certain differentiating characteristics about how they handle or approach conflict, from a woman…but it’s not a perfect science. I will say though, that my husband…while he is able to articulate what is wrong…when there is something wrong…it can take up to a week, and then the whole discussion has passed. It’s like…why did you wait to tell me this? Often too, when he is not happy about something, he is silent…one word answers. I told him last night, it’s not fair for me to guess what’s wrong. I said…I really am not going to guess anymore…when we’re upset about something, just say it. He doesn’t close off or anything…but, he will just be abrupt, and sarcastic. Anyways…hopefully, that part of our communication will get better.

WG - the love of my life is like that, too. Well, it doesn’t take him a week to open up, but he might take a few hours, or up to 24 hours so far. We had quite a few arguments where his tendency to shut down led me to freak out even more, or to get resentful.

Now we’ve worked it out for the most part. He tells me at the beginning of his “closing himself off” period that he’s taking some time to think and that I shouldn’t worry about it. Then I try my very hardest not to freak out or guess what he’s thinking while he’s shut down. No “if you’re worrying about money, we could always ask my aunt” or “if this is about that e-mail I sent, you’ve no right to be angry” - I just have to wait until he’s ready to tell me himself.

When he is ready to talk about it, even if it’s a few days later, he’s had a chance to calm down, and frankly, so have I. I usually don’t take that time to cool off in the heat of the moment, and I’m not used to it, but waiting until we’re both calmer is his preferred way of disagreeing. Now that I know that he’s silent because he’s calming down, and not because he’s sending little hate-vibes my way or considering breaking up with me and refusing to ever see me again (my “what-ifs” get melodramatic at times!) I can relax somewhat and wait for him to lead the way on handling the conflict. I figure it’s good for me.

Of course, it’s easy to say that now, while we’re in a long-distance relationship and communicate entirely by telephone, when we haven’t had an argument in months because we haven’t had the chance, and when we’ve never known what it’s like to live together or spend 24 hours in each other’s company, let alone 18 years or a lifetime! We’ll probably re-visit this argument style when we’re married, and I’ll probably indulge in a few freak-outs despite knowing better!

 

[whatevergirl]

Your last sentence made me laugh, and also hit home. You’d think I’d know better after all these years, to stop freaking out over dumb stuff. I’m much calmer than I used to be…I owe that all to God. But, there are moments, when I guess I just want to be heard…and approach my husband in the wrong way.

I have a special birthday planned for him tomorrow…I really hope he enjoys it!

 

[jmcrae]

Chill a big bit - like, 100%.

Your husband is a big boy. He is mentally sound. He knows all the risks and has made the decision to smoke. Smoking is legal.

Don’t mention it again. He will quit when HE wants to.

That’s true. I never once nagged my husband about it. My husband quit smoking by himself - he said, because he was so worried about what I would say if I caught him at it. He says he had a zillion arguments with me in his head, and I won them all.

The “me” of his imagination was so much worse than the real “me” could ever be, it really was best that way.

It seems as if I communicate best with my husband when I am keeping my mouth shut.

I only made one rule; I said, “When I ride in the car with you, I do not want to be able to smell the cigarette smoke.” Which of course he knew meant, he could not smoke in the car, because the smell of it clings to the upholstry. Well - two rules, because I also didn’t want him smoking in the house. He did, sometimes, but he doesn’t know that I know that.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree–I’m done saying anything now. I have the same rules…no smoking in car or in the house. I had thought he quit, so I’m thinking it’s pretty rare that he smokes. I don’t know if I ever nagged, really…maybe you should ask him that question. lol
He might have a different reply.

I just wish he’d give it up altogether…I’ll pray about it more…and speak about it less.

 

[jmcrae]

I agree–I’m done saying anything now. I have the same rules…no smoking in car or in the house. I had thought he quit, so I’m thinking it’s pretty rare that he smokes. I don’t know if I ever nagged, really…maybe you should ask him that question. lol
He might have a different reply.

I just wish he’d give it up altogether…I’ll pray about it more…and speak about it less.

This is what works. In my case, I only mentioned it once or twice - just, “Oh, it makes your car smell so terrible, when you smoke in it,” and he said, “Oh, is it that noticeable?” and I said, “Yes, it smells like an ashtray,” and that was that. Even when I smelled it later, I just would make a face, but I never said anything to him about it, and as time went on, it became less and less, until finally, the smell was altogether gone.

 

[Loren_1of6]

WhateverGirl, I was reading this thread the other day and got called away to take care of my family. I never finished reading it, but I wanted to come back and mention something that occurred to me while I was mulling over your question.

Scientific law: Friction creates heat.:clapping:
Personal law: Heat, applied correctly, is good for a marriage.
Conclusion: Friction can be good for your relationship.