Getting accused of cheating by someone's husband

[i_usually_lurk]

Greetings,

I have never posted here, but use this site for a lot of reference. I am very conflicted about this problem and need help with it, so I made an account.

A co-worker of mine, about 4 years ago, started talking to me more than usual. At first, I just thought she was being overly friendly, but soon realized she wanted something more when she sent me an inappropriate picture of herself and went on to borderline stalk me. I told her I wasn’t interested, and slowly was able to distance myself from her. I stopped talking to her all together, but still see her from time to time at work. At the time, I told her to seek marriage counseling because I could tell her marriage was not healthy.

Fast forward to present.

I received an e-mail out of the blue from her husband that stated he was going through her e-mail last night (this tells me that something prompted him to), and he found an old e-mail that was between her and me. He goes on to bash me through name calling and that I am a Godless, family wrecking, heathen basically. I have no idea what the e-mail could be about.

I really need some guidance. I want to tell the guy I had never done anything and only wished the best for his family, suggesting her to get help. I just don’t know if it’s even worth the reply and getting back involved with the whole situation. I had enough trouble getting my point across to her at the time that I wasn’t interested.

 

[1ke]

I suggest you not respond in any way.

If you did not tell HR at the time, you need to now. Tell them about the inappropriate picture, your response to leave you alone, and this current situation.

This man could be dangerous, you never know.

 

[i_usually_lurk]

Thanks for the quick reply. I had thought about just ignoring it since I don’t want to get involved, but wouldn’t that seem like I had something to hide? I also forgot to mention they are going through a divorce at this time.

 

[CarolNoel]

I suggest you not respond in any way.

If you did not tell HR at the time, you need to now. Tell them about the inappropriate picture, your response to leave you alone, and this current situation.

This man could be dangerous, you never know.

I agree. Good idea.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

If this occurred in the workplace then she is guilty of sexual harassment
Run, dont walk, to your personnel dept and tell them EVERYTHING!
She doesnt sound “quite right”, and her husband could be the jealous type.
Be safe in your surroundings!.

 

[Honour]

I suggest you not respond in any way.

If you did not tell HR at the time, you need to now. Tell them about the inappropriate picture, your response to leave you alone, and this current situation.

This man could be dangerous, you never know.

Totally agree. Not responding doesn’t mean you have something to hide, just that you know better than to get involved. If he suspects you did something, nothing you say will change that and anything you do say he can take and twist whatever way he wants.

 

[underacloud]

Yes, you need to talk to HR about this.

Are you married/involved yourself? If you are, you probably need to tell your significant other, since they may find out and it will be best to hear this from you.

 

[i_usually_lurk]

Thanks everyone, I am married and told my wife when it occurred, but not about this recent e-mail from no where. I will consider going to HR, but is it possible to just inform them of what’s going on and not pursue any type of termination? I am not familiar with HR that well.

 

[petra22]

And while you are suffering through this, pray to God for his assistance, remembering Joseph (son of Jacob) in exile in Egypt being falsely accused… You are just like Joseph!!!

Dear Father in heaven, You who know all things. You know I did nothing wrong. Please if it be your will, let me be vindicated. I ask this in Jesus’ name. My Jesus, I trust in You!

 

[mek42]

You told her to stop and then she did? If so, no harassment.

Do you have a good relationship with your supervisor? You probably should inform your supervisor to control the release of information to protect your job and also to advise your chain of command of a possible domestic violence situation spilling into the workplace.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks everyone, I am married and told my wife when it occurred, but not about this recent e-mail from no where. I will consider going to HR, but is it possible to just inform them of what’s going on and not pursue any type of termination? I am not familiar with HR that well.

You don’t pursue termination–they decide that. For all you know, this woman has not just stalked you. The company deserves to know what she’s been up to.

 

[underacloud]

Thanks everyone, I am married and told my wife when it occurred, but not about this recent e-mail from no where. I will consider going to HR, but is it possible to just inform them of what’s going on and not pursue any type of termination? I am not familiar with HR that well.

No need to pursue termination, it’s just to make them aware of a situation that may blow up. You could even be discrete about names at this point and see if HR want any further information before volunteering it.

It is also relevant whether the emails where sent to/from work accounts and whether any images exist on work computers. If they were, then HR has a greater need to be kept informed. If they were sent privately, then just informing HR of the circumstances in general would be sufficient I think.

 

[Rete]

I wouldn’t take it to HR if she is not pursuing you any longer. That would just make matters worse for that family.

If this man is a Christian, which is what it seems like, I am not sure I would agree that you should ignore him. You should tell him what happened and what you did to extricate yourself from the situation. Wish him well and for his marriage to be healed.

After that, if he disparages you again, then there is not much you can do. As far as antagonizing him, I would say he is pretty well antagonized if he believes you had an affair with is wife. Setting that matter straight would potentially reduce the antagonism. Remember this guy is hurting.

The potential for danger already exists no matter what you do or don’t do. So I don’t particularly see what would be wrong with telling him the truth and explaining that you did no such thing.

 

[mek42]

If you know their congregation, would it be appropriate for you to ask your priest to speak with their spiritual leader?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I also forgot to mention they are going through a divorce at this time.

That’s an even better reason to ignore. If this person continues to harass you, call the police.

 

[holyrood]

I’ve been on the other side: the spouse finding out about all the women my husband was e-mailing. Giving this man the benefit of the doubt, he’s probably just found this out and is speaking from a place of being hit with an awful lot of unpleasant information about his wife in a very short time, and speaking from a place of incredible, nearly unbearable pain, the kind that makes you stumble to your knees and wonder how you’re going to get through the next minute, let alone the next week or year.

I never contacted any of the women my husband was e-mailing, but had I done so, I guess I would have wanted an e-mail explaining the situation, exactly as you explained it here. With some of the women, I learned over the course of time that it was a one-sided thing, that they felt exactly as you do, uncomfortable with my (ex) husband’s attentions, didn’t invite him, weren’t pursuing him, etc. One of them, when she saw where he was going with this stuff, told him in no uncertain terms that she didn’t want to be in the middle of his marriage problems and not to write her again, and she defriended him. If this guy is at all reasonable, he will not hold this against you when he understands you were not a willing participant in any of this.

 

[Rete]

I would also like to add that I was in that man’s shoes in a similar way. I was a man in an abusive and destructive marriage. I cannot describe the pain and turmoil people like that inflict upon their spouses, whom they promised to love, honor, and protect their whole lives as one flesh. While I didn’t bother even trying to research all the messed up things she had done, I can understand where this guy is coming from.

I think you will provide him a great service by explaining to him what happened exactly as you did here. Just close the message that you really do not want to further involve yourself in his wife’s life or the problems she has caused, having done your best to avoid those things.

As terrible as the news is, I think it will be empowering for him to hear from a man who was revolted by what she had done. That a man with whom she attempted to start an affair spurned her and took his side, among other reasons as well.

If he refuses to believe it, only then would I ignore it. As far as concern for violence, the way I see it is that you already passed the threshold of concern when he found that email and came to the conclusion that you had an affair with his wife. At best, explaining what happened could ameliorate his suffering a little, and diffuse the conflict between you and him. At worst, he won’t believe you and you are still in the same position in which you have now found yourself.

I think if you ask any person victimized by such a spouse, they will tell you something similar. Of course, there is the chance that her husband is just as messed up as she is, but if he identified himself as a Christian, then I think you have an obligation to set the record straight with him. This is straight out of the letters of St. Paul. You might even want to mention that, to affirm your conviction to the truth and right moral action.

And don’t forget that this guy is in a world of pain right now, especially if children are involved. He is likely going to lose his children and his home, and then be indentured for the rest of his working life. Meanwhile, his cheating and lying wife will make out like a bandit, to repeat the abuse with the second Mr. Right. I think we have an obligation to provide comfort to people so persecuted by the state, and so terribly abused by their own spouse. Just don’t get involved beyond that letter.

That said… he might subpoena you to repeat what happened under oath. That’s a whole other dilemma that I don’t know how to answer. Personally, I would do it because I have been in those shoes and I do know how much it would mean to him if he asks. But it’s also a pretty big request to make of you.

After reading so many similar stories of betrayal and abuse as a result of our culture’s disgusting approach to marriage and family, I begin to wonder if we would not be well-served to establish law ministries in each of our parishes to minister to those who suffer such outcomes. It would also provide those of us stuck in this kind of vocational limbo a collective voice within the Church.

 

[on_the_hill]

Go to HR.

Get it on record.

At a former job I was accused if sexual harassment, and the accuser’s supervisor ordered me to keep it a secret. I agreed, and as soon as she walked away I ran to tell my supervisor to get it on record. (that’s a lie I’m not going to confess )

Later on I found out that the accuser had a track record of making false harassment claims.

 

[leamar3]

Are the emails being sent through a work email account? If they are, I would certainly let a supervisor know. I’m not certain of the all of the details of the Freedom of Information Act, but I do know that where I work, any email sent to or from our work email account can be subpoenaed to be used in court proceedings, and they are basically not private. Since they are going through a divorce, you never know what may show up in court, it’s best to inform your employer before they find out something “through the grapevine”.

As for the husband, I would not respond to him. He is likely in a fragile state given his situation, and he’ll likely place the blame for his divorce any where that he can. I’ve been in a similar situation. My husband’s friend has propositioned me several times, I told my husband and when asked, I told his wife. The wife didn’t see that her husband was wrong, rather I was the one who was the problem (as if I could help the fact that her husband had some kind of an attraction to me). Eventually, I just started to ignore his wife. There wasn’t going to be anything I can do to make her see that I didn’t do anything wrong. As hard as it was for me to do, I started to pray for her. As soon as I did, I felt a tremendous weight lifted from me, as if the dark cloud that was that whole situation started to disappear.