Getting Away from the Kids?!

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ExGratia

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In the most recent issue of OSV, the importance of marriage was highlighted and testimony from “successful” married couples was given. The article as well as some of the couples stressed the importance of “date night” once a week, even with babies. One wife talked about how excited she was for a week vacation…away from her 2 year old.

I found this article troubling. as far as I can tell, “dating” is a diversion that developed in the middle of the last century.

Many theories abound about the importance of the first three years of a child’s life. I’ve even heard that pregnancy should be considered 18 months rather than nine; that mother and baby are one biological unit. And what about ecological breastfeeding? It seems to be the “self-donative love” choice…and most natural. No getting away for hours let alone days, but also more chance for spontaneity!

My dh’s first real memory is of the intense emotions he suffered at age 2 when his parents went on a 2 week European vacation, leaving him with his grandma. Babies don’t understand time, and his mother still regrets the choice.

Marriage is important and some of the other ideas in the article were great, like praying together. But the idea that you must get away (from “the daily crazy”, as I remember one person at Engaged Encounter saying) to function or thrive as a couple seems ludicrous.

What do you say?
 
I agree with you. Before one year, I do not leave my baby at all (maybe for twenty minutes with DH). I don’t think DH and I went out to dinner alone until DS2 was maybe 14 months? Before six months you just tie the baby to yourself and go out. They only get pesky at restaurants from like 7-18 months.
We have never left our boys for the weekend and I would not. I stress enough about having a baby in the hospital overnight and being away from them!
 
I’ve done three separate overnights away from my daughter. She’s 15 months.

I’ve done weekend days away from my daughter due to my military drill schedule.

I’ve also done once a month date nights with my husband for a couple of hours.

I don’t regret any of it. 🤷

My daughter is absolutely fine and totally well-adjusted at 15 months.

Some women have to work. Some couples would like a night off once in awhile. I don’t see anything wrong with that at all.

I seriously cannot see the harm of leaving your child for a night…unless they are EBF. Anything more then that? I wouldn’t do it…but sometimes you have no choice.

I joined the US military before I had children. Their policy is a mother cannot be deployed anywhere until the child is 6 months old. Once that point is reached…she is fair-game for a mandatory deployment. She may not have a choice.
 
We left our 4 month old for a week (3rd child). My wife pumped like crazy to stock up on breast milk.
 
I think spending a little time away from the kids is really important. I would not leave a nursing child overnight, but my husband and I resume our twice-a-month date night once our babies are 6-8 weeks old. At first we only go out about 90 minutes and as the kids get older we leave them longer. I’d be fine leaving the kids age 4+ with grandma for a night or two. Just have never gotten to that point without a baby coming along!

Honestly? When you have little kids the days are crazy. Being a stay at home mom can be pretty unpleasant at times. The days are all about the children and their needs. I need my occasional evenings out with my husband (to reconnect) and my girlfriends (to have fun.)

If we didn’t go out in the evenings and have someone else do dinner, bath and bed with the kids, we’d simply drop into bed exhausted every evening and never talk again.

I am not a fan of taking vacations away from babies or toddlers, though. A few fun hours with grandma or their favorite sitter is a win all around!
 
I am so involved in being a SAHM to my 11 month old, that the only times I feel like a human are when my husband and I have a date night. We have not been out for more than a few hours at a time (out of sheer exhaustion) but we plan to spend the night away for our anniversary when our son is 14 months old. I really doubt he’ll miss us; he loves his grandparents.

A week seems like a long time for a 2 year old, but I don’t have a 2 year old so I can’t say that I wouldn’t do it.

It seems unrealistic to expect a mother to never have a break until her children are older.
 
Our five year anniversary is approaching in a couple of months and my husband and I are planning to leave our 2.5 year old with his grandparents for the weekend. I expect he’ll be sad and miss us, but I also don’t think he’ll remember it five years from now. I certainly don’t expect him to be traumatized.

I’m really looking forward to our little vacation. We have a baby due at the end of August and I think it’ll be good for my marriage to have this time to have a little fun and relaxation with each other before we add a new person to the household.
 
I say a loud AMEN, that’s what I say.

A child is the greatest gift anyone can receive, other than a vocation to the priesthood or religious life. One has to be ready, willing, able for the entire life of that child or until one dies to be “there” 24/7 whether or not the child WANTS you there. I hated school, I disliked being without my daughter while she was in school. I loved vacations, especially summer vacations, when she and I were together all the time. I lost my daughter. I would have preferred terminal cancer, being paralyzed from the neck down, etc. to that. Any woman who “needs” to be “unencumbered” or “free” of her child has to think twice about the gift God put into her arms, three and four times, even. There is no guaranty that child will be there forever.
 
It just seems marriages lasted longer before all the “date nights” of recent generations. I guess I’d like to see examples that I wouldn’t find in a secular source when I’m reading a Catholic publication.

It is odd that the breastfeeding relationship gets disregarded so easily (separation would be hard on me, not just our boys), and that the feelings of kids (who often don’t get enough time with the working spouse(s) as it is…I know my dh would love more time with all of us together) are seen as unimportant.
 
ExGratia said:
It just seems marriages lasted longer before all the “date nights” of recent generations. I guess I’d like to see examples that I wouldn’t find in a secular source when I’m reading a Catholic publication.

It is odd that the breastfeeding relationship gets disregarded so easily (separation would be hard on me, not just our boys), and that the feelings of kids (who often don’t get enough time with the working spouse(s) as it is…I know my dh would love more time with all of us together) are seen as unimportant.
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It’s not all or nothing. Kids spending a few hours with grandma or auntie is healthy for ALL involved. Didn’t you love having dinner at your Nana’s house when you were little?

Going out to dinner or a movie does not compromise breastfeeding in the least. I breastfed all my kids without using bottles for a minimum of two years.

And I don’t think your observation about “marriages lasting longer before date night” is accurate. In fact, in the 40s and 50s, it was very common for even middle class families to have live-in help and prioritize the adults needs over those of the children. The “never leave your child for any reason, you must never be apart” idea seems like a very modern manifestation of the extreme AP fad.
 
I’m neither married, nor have children, but I’m in complete agreement with the “date night” camp. I think it’s very important for husbands and wives to have the peace and change of scenery to “reconnect” with each other.

I’m reminded of what the priest who officiated my sister’s wedding said to her during her pre-cana classes, though this may sound shocking to some: when asked about balancing the stresses of child-rearing with the harmony of the marriage, he bluntly told her: “Babies are not a sacrament - *marriage *is”. Or in other words, the integrity of the marriage has to come first.

So if that means a couple needs to “get away” for a little while and experience being friends and lovers instead of fathers and mothers, they shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I don’t see it as neglect of the children - I see it as an opportunity to re-focus on one another and strengthen their sacrament.

(Though I probably wouldn’t suggest a 2-week European vacation, either - that might be a bit much)
 
ExGratia said:
In the most recent issue of OSV, the importance of marriage was highlighted and testimony from “successful” married couples was given. The article as well as some of the couples stressed the importance of “date night” once a week, even with babies. One wife talked about how excited she was for a week vacation…away from her 2 year old.

I found this article troubling. as far as I can tell, “dating” is a diversion that developed in the middle of the last century.

Many theories abound about the importance of the first three years of a child’s life. I’ve even heard that pregnancy should be considered 18 months rather than nine; that mother and baby are one biological unit. And what about ecological breastfeeding? It seems to be the “self-donative love” choice…and most natural. No getting away for hours let alone days, but also more chance for spontaneity!

My dh’s first real memory is of the intense emotions he suffered at age 2 when his parents went on a 2 week European vacation, leaving him with his grandma. Babies don’t understand time, and his mother still regrets the choice.

Marriage is important and some of the other ideas in the article were great, like praying together. But the idea that you must get away (from “the daily crazy”, as I remember one person at Engaged Encounter saying) to function or thrive as a couple seems ludicrous.

What do you say?
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Date nights, absolutely! Vacations away from youngsters, not a fan. I could see a night or two away from the kids as they got older, but a whole week or several?? Not for us.

I can remember my parents going out when I was a youngster, watching my mom get all dressed up. I got to go on an “adventure” and stay with a favorite relative. It was fun for me, and obviously it was fun for my parents. It was a natural thing for me growing up for my parents to have a date night. But vacations were family vacations. Later when I was in high school or college, then my parents started going away on their own.
 
ExGratia said:
It just seems marriages lasted longer before all the “date nights” of recent generations. I guess I’d like to see examples that I wouldn’t find in a secular source when I’m reading a Catholic publication.
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What connection are you seeing between these two things? Once a week or once every other week or even once a month, the parents go out to dinner or a movie alone… therefore, divorce? :confused:

Are we just talking about newborns? If not, then if you’ll forgive me, this approach seems really over the top. Of course parents should be very (completely) involved in the lives of their young children, and of course the family should have a lot of time together… parents and children alike. I don’t think anyone would disagree with you on that at all. That doesn’t necessarily rule out time for the parents by themselves (especially if they want to have more kids!) nor time for the parents separately as individuals… like the wife is in a book club or the husband wants to go to a sports game with his brother or something. Parents will need more or less of this time, depending on their personalities and interests.

Vacations are something different entirely…
 
Maybe it is because they are twins, but our kids do not look at our time away from them as “getting away from the kids”. This is because we occasionally have “dates” where one twin gets Dad all to himself and the other twin gets Mom all to himself. They realize that one-on-one time is a special thing, and not an exclusion of those who don’t happen to be in on it.

I would agree that small children don’t do well with extended absences. They can survive them, if the interim caretaker is someone they are very accustomed to, but I don’t think a couple needs more than a weekend away from the rest of the family in order to get re-connected with each other. I also think that just 15-20 minutes alone on a regular basis makes a big difference. Take that time with your spouse as close to every day as you can, but also take it with each of your children. When they come to treasure that time themselves, they are far less likely to begrudge it to their parents.

I would highly recommend teaching your children the kind of table manners at home that will allow you to take them nice places when they are a little older. We’ve been able to have our kids in restaurants since they were in high chairs. We’ve always fed them adult food instead of kids food, too. So far, we have teens who enjoy going places with us and being seen with us, and we think it is partly because we have always been able to tell them that we enjoy being with them and taking them nice places…that is, places that are as nice as the places we go with each other. If you do that, the “second class citizen” thing is not set up around “date night.”

We once went to a wedding, however, where we had to get a sitter they barely knew because it was an adults-only event and their regular “sitter” (their granny) was also invited. It was total disaster. The sitter was the favorite of our neighbor kids, but they didn’t want to go near strange women visiting our home for* years*.
 
I fail to see a valid comparison between date night between mom and dad and a week-long cruise through Europe without the kiddo.

I’m sorry. I just fail to see how they can be remotely related.

My daughter LOVES her grandparents. They LOVE her and they love the opportunity to come babysit for a night.

Hubby and I went out to dinner last night. Grandma and Grandpa, fresh from their week long Vegas vacation, came by to babysit for 2 hours.
Everyone was happy. My daughter was happy to see her beloved grandparents, grandparents were happy to see their beloved granddaughter and parents were happy to spend a little bit of time together…alone. We were dying to try out a new restaurant that opened in town.

What is so wrong about that?
 
EasterJoy said:
I would highly recommend teaching your children the kind of table manners at home that will allow you to take them nice places when they are a little older. We’ve been able to have our kids in restaurants since they were in high chairs. We’ve always fed them adult food instead of kids food, too. So far, we have teens who enjoy going places with us and being seen with us, and we think it is partly because we have always been able to tell them that we enjoy being with them and taking them nice places…that is, places that are as nice as the places we go with each other. If you do that, the “second class citizen” thing is not set up around “date night.”
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I absolutely agree with this.

My daughter has been taught table manners since she started in her highchair. She gets what we made for dinner and she has always been presented with a spoon and bowl of her own.

We’ve got eating out of a bowl down pat but she prefers her hands. 😃

Anyway…there is no shame or embarrassment taking her out to a restaurant. We brought her on vacation with us a couple of months ago with my parents.

We all went out to dinner one night and she was right there with us. She ate everything we gave her, wasn’t fussy and had fun giggling with our waitress. That was because she was very used to how dinner operates in our household. It’s always a pre-pared meal, at the dinner table, grace is said and portions are served and we chat about our days.

The only thing she never likes about restaurants is the waiting. She expects food to be ready and served immediately after she is put in her chair and grace is said.

That doesn’t mean mommy and daddy can’t have a night to themselves once in awhile.
 
Kelfa28 said:
I absolutely agree with this.

My daughter has been taught table manners since she started in her highchair. She gets what we made for dinner and she has always been presented with a spoon and bowl of her own.

We’ve got eating out of a bowl down pat but she prefers her hands. 😃

Anyway…there is no shame or embarrassment taking her out to a restaurant. We brought her on vacation with us a couple of months ago with my parents.

We all went out to dinner one night and she was right there with us. She ate everything we gave her, wasn’t fussy and had fun giggling with our waitress. That was because she was very used to how dinner operates in our household. It’s always a pre-pared meal, at the dinner table, grace is said and portions are served and we chat about our days.

The only thing she never likes about restaurants is the waiting. She expects food to be ready and served immediately after she is put in her chair and grace is said.

That doesn’t mean mommy and daddy can’t have a night to themselves once in awhile.
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Oh, I don’t mean that they go on date night with us. I meant that if they have table manners, we can occasionally enjoy going to a restaurant with one of them, but at a different time–when you have more than one child and one of them gets you all to himself or herself, this is a big treat!! They “get” that it is nothing personal against anyone else to enjoy that. (We didn’t do date night every week.)

No, I meant that if you don’t require them to have the same manners at home as they are expected to have at a restaurant, including sitting at the table and amusing themselves with crayons or whatever and carrying on a polite conversation for the length of a civilized meal, there is no way you can have a good time on “date night” with anyone, child or adult. If your child learns how much fun “date night” is for them, though, they don’t take it as personally when the parents want to go to a restaurant alone without them.
 
Generally speaking, however, I’ve known more than one spouse remark either, “She’s a great mom, but sometimes I wish she had more time to be a wife” or “He’s a great dad, but sometimes I wish he’d take more time to be a husband, too.”

There is nothing better you can do for your children and grandchildren than to have a strong, mutually affectionate marriage, a relationship that leaves no question who the most important person in your life is. When the most important person in their dad’s life is their mother, and the most important person in their mom’s life is their father, that gives children great security, especially in a world where half of their teammates and classmates are with each of their parents on a “time-share” basis.

Kids want to know that nothing is more important to their parents than staying together. There is nothing they want more, and there is no way they would want an over-concentration on them to be the reason that their parents were not head-over-heels in love with each other for their entire marriage. That, my friends, if it is witnessed first-hand, is the kind of marriage that both young women and young men are going to try to find for themselves. As soon as they meet the right person, they’re going to want to get started on that life. If, OTOH, they see marriage as an arrangement by which two people who love each other give each other permission to put each other last for a few decades, they’re not going to be in a hurry to either get married or to have children right away when they do.

Besides, nobody should grow up thinking they are entitled to be the center of attention all the time, or that their wants have to come first all of the time. They should realize there is always going to be a balance between them and others, or they’ll have to un-learn a certain amount of self-centeredness that could get in the way of being good parents themselves.

Let them know that the hearts and flowers don’t end with the honeymoon! 👍
 
This is another one of those things were I say “figure out what works for you, and do it.” There really is no right answer.

Our son loves his nights and even an occasional weekend with his grandparents. We absolutely encourage him to go have adventures with them without us. Honestly, I don’t think he ever realizes my wife and I are looking forward to an evening out - we make it all about his special time with grandma and grandpa.

He’s not traumatized in the slightest, and most of the time he doesn’t even want to come home! My wife and I both have great memories of spending time with our grandparents - we each only have 1 grandmother left and they won’t be with us much longer. It’s important to us that our son has those same experiences.

If you don’t want to leave your kids, even for a date, then don’t. But for those of you who haven’t tried it you should do it twice. The first time you’ll be a nervous wreck and hurry to get home. Once you realize they’ll do fine without you, go for another date and have a good time.
 
haedron said:
. Honestly, I don’t think he ever realizes my wife and I are looking forward to an evening out - we make it all about his special time with grandma and grandpa.

.
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👍

I remember loving when the babysitter would come over, having attention from a teenager and there was always a special night time snack of chips or chocolates we could not have on a regular day. Looking back, my mom was always stressed out about getting us bathed before the sitter showed up that it never occurred to me she was looking forward to going out.

I am not married but I do think sometimes the term ‘date night’ can be misleading. It tends to imply a lot of money is being spent on a sophisticated activity. What ever happened to the term ‘alone mommy and daddy time’.

I had an uncle who did NOT have a lot o money. By the time they paid the baby sitter, there was no money to do anything so him and my aunt just went for a walk by themselves. I think that sounds romantic.

Also, I have had a couple of men friends say to me ‘the day I became a dad was the day I no longer could no longer take my with out on a date’. I think often women are so busy with their kids, the men actually miss being with their wife. I don’t think any man has the right to cheat, but there is no reason to unnecessarily avoid husband and increase his temptation

Angie
 
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