Getting cold feet about convalidation of marriage

[Crami65]

My husband and I have been married for 26 years, we are both Catholics and are finally taking the sacrament of marriage in our church in a couple of weeks. For the last 3 yrs my husband had an affair and it all hit the fan in Aug when he ended it with her and she began her emotion assault on me. I have been devastated and struggling to get through each day. I’ve been dealing with a major depression disorder over this the whole time because I was aware of it, he would deny and learned how to hide it better. Since it has ended he had been very remorseful and working at repairing the marriage. He has been to confession, we have been in therapy and received help from our priest. Things are better to a degree; I am still having panic attacks and now with the convalidation scheduled I am beginning to question if I’m ready to take this step. I’m afraid after it all settles down he will cheat again and I can’t go through that hell again. He assures me it will never happen again and that the convalidation is proof of his devotion to our marriage. I’m scared and I don’t know if I can or should believe him. This is a huge step and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

 

[nodito]

Crami, do you have children?

 

[Crami65]

Yes we have 4 grown children and unfortunately they know everything that happened. Our family is very traumatized and 1 of our daughters won’t talk to him. It’s caused so much sadness and anger. I do love my husband very much but there’s so much pain and I can’t trust him yet. He is truly remorseful but is it going to last?

 

[maltmom]

I’m so sorry you went through all of that. Only you can make this decision. My gut is telling me I’d wait to make sure the changes are real. He has to earn your trust back. If things are only “better to a degree” and you are still having panic attacks, postponing may be the thing to do.

The convalidation of your marriage should be a happy and blessed time. While you may never 100% trust him, you do have to believe in your heart that he has changed. Please continue to meet with your Priest.

 

[Julia_Mae]

He assures me it will never happen again and that the convalidation is proof of his devotion to our marriage. I’m scared and I don’t know if I can or should believe him. This is a huge step and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

I wouldn’t do anything I am not completely comfortable with in this regard. The problem with him “assuring” you is that he assured you before and proved himself an adept and convincing liar. Why would convalidation be “proof” of anything at all in his case? Why is he so gung-ho for this to happen, anyway after all these years?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be balking at this. I’d just say no and tell him not to bring it up again, you will, when you are ready. If he continues to try and convince you then you can work on manipulation at your next therapy appointment. I could be very wrong but - is he kidding?

Do you still love this man?

 

[aicirt]

I’m reading that you were never married in the Church but will be doing so in two weeks but you are unsure. Don’t do it until you are sure.

He broke up with her. Does this not mean he chose you and his marriage over her? Would you be better off without him? After 26 years and four kids, will he really cease to be a part of your lives? Until you’ve figured this out, don’t do anything.

 

[Chantal25]

Crami, i would cancel the wedding until you feel good about it. If you live as roommate in separate room for a while, i am sure that your priest will approve. It is cool that he has remorse but if you don’t have a good feeling about it, i would trust my gust about that. Once you are married, it is for life.

I understand that you have children and the ideal situation would be for both of you to get married, but since we are not living your life, please pray God, to speak to you in your heart. Your children needs the most a great daddy and a great mommy that are there for them. Do you want to send the message to your daughter that this is ok to marry someone when you have doubts. If you need more time, you need to be granted by that

If your husband truly want to earn you back, and love you, he will have to make this compromise to wait and to give you tangible proof of his honesty.

Someone that lie, has a very severe addiction and it is very challenging for them to change. Satan is the father of lie and this tells you that he needs to be strong. As he continues to practice his faith, he will get stronger and he won’t have problem to resist temptation. Pray for him and say the Rosary.

I pray for you and please be at peace with what ever decision you make.